What to do after "no"?

LegacyUser

Right, first up, I am not that confident with asking girls out. Secondly, I am not the sort who can comfortably get involved with strangers - I prefer to get to know someone really well first, and then see if a relationship can evolve from there.

So there is a girl ("Suzanne") I have become very close to over a period of nearly 2 years. In all ways I can confidently say I like her - a rare combination, you might say. While by no means my only girl friend, she has become to me a very close friend, and I believe I am one of her best friends too. Since I met her we have been in and out of other relationships, but for almost a year now we have both been single / unattached.

Having given this a lot of thought, I decided that there was a huge amount of evidence to suggest that we could be more than just friends - eye contact, body language, things we discussed, time we spend together, how much we are in contact, what others have said about "us" etc. And so last Tuesday, after much deliberation, I asked Suzanne if there was a chance we could get together. Her answer was an awkward "no".

Over the weekend I was discussing this with a good friend. He reckons that there is definitely something between Suzanne and I but his advice (conversely) was to meet with another girl (who is giving me all the right signals, but for whom I feel nothing), and try to get her into the sack. Effectively using this second girl, he reckons that once news of this spreads, I will become irresistible to Suzanne. The old 'treat em mean' story.

What I want to know is ... is that really the best way? I am going to continue being friends with Suzanne in the future, and I still think we could get it together. The question is - how do I woo her now that she has said no?

Beruthiel

Goldfish23 wrote:

The question is - how do I woo her now that she has said no?

erm
if she said no, then why push it? all you will do there is loose a friend

Gordon

Indeed. It's quite awkward having a friend that is into you and tries hard to get a thing going with you. You will only end up distancing your friend from you and hurting yourself every time you get rejected by her.

Genghis

Okay, speaking from recent personal experience. Look at it this way - you asked, she said no, now that you know this do yourself a favour and stop agonising over whether she is a 'friend' or a potential 'girlfriend'.

It doesn't sound like you are comfortable with using the other girl, for whatever reason, so don't. Do try to do something else that helps you move on - it isn't healthy for you worrying about whether you should ask her again.

LegacyUser

Don't give up. She might of been caught offguard. She might have feelings for you but felt wrong time , wrong place. I would continue to be friends and if she does have feelings you will see the signs, and should just go for it.

Be persistent
Hope it works out

jcoote

women look at the closeness intimate conversations and all that stuff as a trusting caring friendship..when a bloke gets that close he can feel kinda exposed and wants some security in return for the intamicy of the friendship...
has happened to us all and its a disaster..i

ts really hard fo a bloke to seperate the emotion of feeling loving feelings for someone and being open and exposing themselves to a "friend"...

usually when a guy opens up to a female its his girlfriend or his mother... and the basic relationship any man has with a woman is that of his mother which is a constantly secure one!!!

nesf

Beruthiel wrote:

erm
if she said no, then why push it? all you will do there is loose a friend

I think the OP hasn't really grapsed what no means.

It does happen a lot when someone "is interested" in someone for a long time and when they ask them then they have trouble coming to terms with it because they used to have a real good fantasy going and now reality obviously doesn't agree.

I'd recommend getting over it and moving on. You did the right thing and asked. She does not have to be interested in you mate. If all our feelings for other people were reciprocated then life would be a lot easier.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.

Talliesin

Goldfish23 wrote:

He reckons that there is definitely something between Suzanne and I

Well, maybe there is "something", but a degree of attraction does not necessarily go far enough to make it worth changing the nature of the relationship.

Goldfish23 wrote:

his advice (conversely) was to meet with another girl (who is giving me all the right signals, but for whom I feel nothing), and try to get her into the sack. Effectively using this second girl, he reckons that once news of this spreads, I will become irresistible to Suzanne. The old 'treat em mean' story.

Yeah, I've heard that one works in soap operas.

Really, is someone's emotionally fickle enough for that to work on them, do you really want to get into a romantic relationship with them?

jcoote

Talliesin wrote:

Really, is someone's emotionally fickle enough for that to work on them, do you really want to get into a romantic relationship with them?

well said

MaddyDv

Don't go with the other girl. Yeah it might start her thinking but it could also have the opposite effect, as in "Didn't take him long to forget about me!" The fact that it would be completely cruel of you to use the other girl, she has feelings aswell!
Just give her time to get used to the fact that you have feelings for her, she was probably just shocked coz you were both such good friends. Wait a couple of weeks and then maybe try approach her again at a party or something and kinda joke about it.

LegacyUser

Thanks all, I am beginning to regain a bit of perspective!

Kell

Goldfish23 wrote:

And so last Tuesday, after much deliberation, I asked Suzanne if there was a chance we could get together.

If your actual statement was as quoted, then methinks you came across too heavy. There are subtle ways of saying "I'd love to take you home and ride the box off you on a semi-regular basis, maybe upgrading you to girlfriend status in a while" but whats quoted smacks of "lets go and look at curtains for the nursery room". It implied "lets have a full on relationship from the word go".

Most, if not all, would be put off with that notion. The idea of random sexually explicit acts doesnt put very many off, or even the idea of seeing someone, but when you give the crown jewels away from the word go, things were destined to go south.

Continue to see her as a friend, but turn up the heat in the flirtations department and see how she reacts. Then take your queue.

K-

jcoote

yeah stay friends if possible but drop hints and if she responds positivly u know where u stand..she may have said no just in case it went sour and she lost u as a friend..at least keepin u at a distance (emotionally) will allow her to keep u around...just a thought

nesf

Goldfish23 wrote:

Thanks all, I am beginning to regain a bit of perspective!

We're getting better, normally this takes 2-3 pages!

Edit: To the OP, I empathise mate, I had a similar experience when I was 16. When I look back on it now nearly 8 years on, I can see that my perspective at the time was warped. Just to leave you know, it can happen to anyone. This kind of thing can **** with your head if your not careful!

Victor

Do not, under any circumstance, but especially after 15 drinks, proclaim "I love you, but not in a bad way" and proceed to dry hump her friend's knee. It doesn't work!

tinkerbell

Kell wrote:

There are subtle ways of saying "I'd love to take you home and ride the box off you on a semi-regular basis, maybe upgrading you to girlfriend status in a while" but whats quoted smacks of "lets go and look at curtains for the nursery room".

Hehehe, that's so funny Kell It would be pretty hilarious if the OP said "I'd love to take you home, blah blah" to the girl It might have worked!

To the OP - more often than not, a girl is friends with a guy because they are friends, nothing more, nothing less. You may like to think that she will be with you in a romantic sense, but it ain't gonna happen. You already asked her and she turned you down. If there was any inkling that she liked you, she would not have said no.

Don't force the issue, as everyone else said, you've already asked her, she said no, now you have to come to terms with it. Continue to be her friend, but if you keep pressuring her and constantly asking her to be with you, you will drive her away.

As for your friend's advice - that's just totally stupid. He may think she likes you, but you asked the girl yourself and SHE told you otherwise. As for going off with some girl in the hope of making the girl you want jealous, it ain't gonna work because she doesn't like you in that sense.

Sorry to be harsh, but it's best that you get this into your head sooner rather than later, where you will be hurt more!

Mr.Nice Guy

Goldfish23 wrote:

And so last Tuesday, after much deliberation, I asked Suzanne if there was a chance we could get together. Her answer was an awkward "no".

There's your mistake right there. You asked her if you could get toegther? Big mistake my friend! You killed the tension between you two by acting needy and desperate.

I agree with your friend's logic. You should get with another girl and act like you are totally unaffected by her rejection of you. Continue hanging out with her and when the time is right, make a move on her. Good luck man.

cordelia

Kell wrote:

If your actual statement was as quoted, then methinks you came across too heavy. There are subtle ways of saying "I'd love to take you home and ride the box off you on a semi-regular basis, maybe upgrading you to girlfriend status in a while" but whats quoted smacks of "lets go and look at curtains for the nursery room". It implied "lets have a full on relationship from the word go"
K-

Brilliance. Sheer Brilliance.
I've never received this chat up line. Depending on the presentation, though, I might have been impressed enough to actually fall for it.

Continue to see her as a friend, but turn up the heat in the flirtations department and see how she reacts. Then take your queue.

That's good advice. Keep it light, but ooze the charming flirtations. Safe, but oftimes with deadly effect.

nesf

tinkerbell wrote:

To the OP - more often than not, a girl is friends with a guy because they are friends, nothing more, nothing less.

Really? I always thought they were just playing very hard to get all these years.

Nothing like a restraining order to get a man aroused!

Dub_Ster

give her time dude let her come round to it , be warned if shes so spechil shes worth waiting for , but thinks happen precisely when they meen to dont dicuss it with your mate keep it all to your self ... and if your suited it will happen ...

logic1

Beruthiel wrote:

all you will do there is loose a friend

I think he'd like to loosen her!

.logic.

lacuna

Over the weekend I was discussing this with a good friend. He reckons that there is definitely something between Suzanne and I

Why do you think that your friend would know more about how Suzanne feels about you than she herself would?

You had made it the first move, all she had to do was say yes or no, and she said no. I'd presume she meant it.

You could push her further away and make her feel awkward around you by being persistant. She probably knows how you feel now, so if she changes her mind she'll more than likely let you know. Otherwise I'd leave it at being friends.