Met my dream girl.. she has a kid!

LegacyUser

Recently I met a wonderful girl who I find wonderfully attractive and sexually we have really clicked. She's told me she has a kid, and I have never dealt with this kind of thing before so I don't really know how I feel about having an extra little person in the loop... I love kids, but am not sure if it will add some complications at some point, especially with the Dad around also. I would be grateful if any other guys on the forum have any experience in this area and may be able to offer advice on how it all works out, or if it can be tricky.

I think I really like her, but am totally unprepared to deal with this new dimension in the relationship.

I haven't been in this situation but I know someone who has. You'll need to be a bit more tolerant to sudden schedule changes, for example "can't go out tonight since I have nobody to mind the child."

Most single mothers wouldn't want to their boyfriends to be "father figures" in an early phase of their relationship, it would be very daunting for the child to meet what seem like strangers when her mother brings different partners home. So I don't think you'll need to worry about that just yet.

nesf

Loka wrote:

Recently I met a wonderful girl who I find wonderfully attractive and sexually we have really clicked. She's told me she has a kid, and I have never dealt with this kind of thing before so I don't really know how I feel about having an extra little person in the loop... I love kids, but am not sure if it will add some complications at some point, especially with the Dad around also. I would be grateful if any other guys on the forum have any experience in this area and may be able to offer advice on how it all works out, or if it can be tricky.

I think I really like her, but am totally unprepared to deal with this new dimension in the relationship.

At this stage in time your relationship is with her and not her + child. Your relationship with the child should be a seperate thing.

If you like her then you will not be put off by the fact that she has a child. Also you will need to be mature enough to accept that the child's father has a right to be involved with the child's upbringing.

If you can't do that, then you shouldn't even consider it. If you can, excellent, good for you, now go do it.

galwaydude18

have to agree wit nesf on what he has said! I know a guy who was going out with a woman who had a baby from a past relationship and now they are married have a house and everything! cool guy! Lot of respect for the man!

Gator

Good news & bad news here,Good news is that she's putting out,bad news is that she's obviously from pram springs!!!!!!

galwaydude18

Zooie wrote:

bad news is that she's obviously from pram springs!!!!!!

bloody hell that was harsh! Totaly uncalled for! at the end of the day shes laid her cards on the table to this man now the ball is in court as wether or not he can accept this....!

KdjaCL

galwaydude18 wrote:

bloody hell that was harsh! Totaly uncalled for! at the end of the day shes laid her cards on the table to this man now the ball is in court as wether or not he can accept this....!

Exactly Zooie is a retard with a short Boards.ie membership and she has told you up front , some women would keep it hidden. Dont worry about it she wont let your have much interaction with the kid till shes ready so just enjoy being with her.

kdjac

Victor

KdjaC, you know better. :mad:

Zooie wrote:

Good news & bad news here,Good news is that she's putting out,bad news is that she's obviously from pram springs!!!!!!

Or she's separated, divorced, widowed or a plain simple single mother.

LegacyUser

Thanks loads for the positive responses guys, much appreciated. All seems a bit clearer now on my head..

Although I don't understand the pram springs comment, anyone wish to clarify?

"Also you will need to be mature enough to accept that the child's father has a right to be involved with the child's upbringing."

Now this is the kind of stuff that I don't know if I can think about right now, it's just woahhh... can't go there yet! Perhaps I should be able to give a definite yes to the above but I honestly don't know, I don't know if this is a bad sign or not.

Best to play it by ear anyway, eh?

LegacyUser

Nah, she is a single mother. We are both early 20's.

Dub_Ster

dude whats the kid got to do with you ?

if you like her and have fun go for it why be that fussy altho i do understand , what you meen .

If shes not expecting you to help her support the child there shouldnt be a probelm really

Look at the facts and make your own mind ...

You find her atractive ?

you hav good sex ?

you like her ?

you have fun ?

pros above

cons

she has a kid ?

Kids dads around a bit ?

ive been with a girl who had a kid and i didnt have a problem with it , shore if shes with you , and her x is there to see the child there aint much problem , really , ok
trust issues but well there your demons id lt it plot it course and see were it goes ..

good luck .

funk-you

its their kid man not yours, let them do the parenting as i'm sure the father wouldn't want someone else looking after his kid..........i wouldn't. you will have to deal with inconveniences that naturally come with her being a mother but no more than if she had a demanding career for example. saying this though i do have a friend in a similar situation and he has become the father figure to his gf's kid(although he mostly brought it on himself) you can play with the kid, talk to the kid but never take on the diciplinarian role with the kid-be the equivilent of the cool uncle, not the stand in dad. you're not becoming a parent just because you're going out with one.

if it did enter into a long term thing then you would have to think a bit more about what kind of role you want and/or expected to play in the kids life. anyway kids can be a lot of fun and remember you can always hand the child back which is a luxury a lot of people dont have.

would you have a problem if she had a parent(for example) that god forbid had a debilitating disease and they required as much attention as a child. things like this are something you deal with if you really think your partner is worth it for you. i understand exactly where you're coming from man, things like this generally freak a fella out but whats the worst that can happen-you're not married to the girl.

just see where the situation leads, if you dont like it you always have the walk away option but dont mess the girl about.

Sound
-P

silly

hey loka,
i am a single mother, i split with the father over 2 years ago now. i've had a few boyfriends since. i've been honest with them all about my child. none of them met my daughter, it would have to be a serious relationship before i introduce some1 to her. even though her father is not in her life much and we have little contact with him, i would never expect any man in my life to stand in for him, she has a father, not a very good one, but when i do find mr right he will have no responsibilities for her whatsoever.
please dont let her being a single mother put you off, we are all human, u may never be no.1 in her life but u could def come a close 2nd. and try to understand why she wont be able to meet u all the time.
good luck with it man.

Victor

funk-you wrote:

never take on the diciplinarian role with the kid-be the equivilent of the cool uncle

At the same time don't let the kid away with stuff that, say, the local shopkeeper (the safe "stanger") wouldn't let them away with.

funk-you

Victor wrote:

At the same time don't let the kid away with stuff that, say, the local shopkeeper (the safe "stanger") wouldn't let them away with.

agreed

LegacyUser

Funk-you and silly, thanks a million for the advice. This has helped me a lot in just thinking it through. And it's nice to hear it from the point of view of a single mum, I have a feeling the girl I'm seeing will probably be thinking along the same lines as you. After what you've said, my inner voice tell me that you're right, it isn't really a big deal, or a problem for me. I don't mind the small inconveniences that may crop up at all.

I mean, I'm involved in a lot of stuff outside of work (martial arts, acting, etc) and sometimes I even think that all of this stuff - added up - is probably consuming as much time as would looking after a kid! Well ok, not quite as much but close! And yes, a life consuming carreer, or working as a carer to an old or ill relation or parent would take up just as much time as looking after your kid.

We'll see how it goes

funk-you

no problem man. hope things work out.

ritlin_lad_05

hey hope things work out..give it a try...women with kids can be a little harder work than one's without..also if your in that relationship u mite sumtimes feel an outsider..ul notice this after a while into it though..i have a child which i never see but i have nothing to do with her anymore and as far as i know she's with someone else..i kinda feel sorry for him though lol.. ur girl sounds nice though make sure she is decent u shud be fine! good luck boy!

PullMyFinger!

Un-married mothers arent as big a problem reletionship wise as people think. It takes a bit more patience and maturity on the guys behalf and just make sure she is still on good terms with the father of her child. It might be the case that your new girlfriend has an absolute b*astard of an ex who holds the fact that she has responsibilities over her head.

Talliesin

Loka wrote:

I love kids, but am not sure if it will add some complications at some point, especially with the Dad around also.

Well yes, if the relationship goes beyond a certain point then it will be complicated. That's the thing with human beings, they're complicated and they have other people in their lives apart from you and dealing with them is complicated.

Take it slow, keep your eyes open, but don't burn your bridges until you come to them.