Short Story

Waltons

I recently have been writing some short stories and digging out older ones in order to get into the right frame of mind for the LC (in which I'll most likely be doing a short story as composition).
If it's ok with everyone here, I'd like to get opinions on the stuff I'm writing to see if it's any good and if I can make any improvements to my technique, language use, etc. They are, of course, here for your enjoyment also, if they amuse you

Anyhow, here's the first short story I'll be putting up, under the very quickly chosen name of "The Chosen One". I appear to have some of Leonard of Quirm's traits when it comes to naming things...
The story can be read here

Hope you enjoy it!

Earthhorse

I'm no English teacher, so I can't comment on standards or length, but all in all I'd say that's a well written short story.

You don't try to do too much, the descriptions are largely neat and to the point and you don't delve into unnecessary explanations, letting the narrative unfold as it should. That's all good.

If I could make some recommendations it would be not to stretch your metaphors or imagery too much. For instance, when you say, "Mr Bright was a relatively short, gaunt man whose sense of fashion still lay in short-sleeved white shirts and cornflower blue ties and the crowning glory of his attire was, of course, a neat bowler hat." Leave out the "sense of fashion" bit. Just say it straight, "Mr. Bright was relatively short and wore a short sleeved (pristine) white shirt (finished) by a cornflower blue tie...". You get the idea.

Also, take care with what you're saying, "He had the frequent cough of a forty a day habit, and a nervous tick but, despite all this, one couldn’t help but feel nervous in his presence." See, that reads strange to me. I would be nervous, or at least moreso, in the presence of someone with a nervous tick. So why the "despite all this"?

I should point out that these are really minor points. I think you'll do well if you submit a story of that quality on the day. Best of luck in your exams.

Waltons

Yeah, I understand what you're saying about stretching images. I've gotten into a habit of doing that in other types of short stories and sometimes it doesn't translate well into different genres.
As for the taking care, I've chopped and changed the story a good bit and must've just missed the "despite all this" bit.
Thanks for that, Earthhorse!

garthv

Wow....
Thats really good,is there more?

Waltons

No, that's it for the moment, Garth. I'll be bashing out a few more after June, or maybe in the few days just before the exam and I'll see if I can get that one finished if people want me to.
Thanks for the feedback!

garthv

Yeh if you get that finished drop me a pm and Ill review it for you

up for anything

More please. I didn't look for grammar, syntax or spelling errors because I got drawn into the story.

golfgirl

I enjoyed this a lot Waltons, thanks for posting. It's a great read. I like the doomsday scenario, you described the atmosphere really well, and the idea of a superior secretly surveying his workers is interesting. Dare I say it kind of, Truman Show'ish/ Great Gatsbyesque :eek: ... I look forward to more.

Waltons

Cheers! Thanks for all the positive feedback