Pillow Talk

shiv

Is it your life's aim
To have the entire alphabet
Follow your name

To be contained
Caught within
Countless Cary Grant films
Murmuring "Hello Darling"

To the legions of smart girls
You tend to go for
These days

Well I'll look after the poetry
Sleep alongside the blame
Occasionally letting you star

Take centre screen
In front of strangers
Mouthing the emotions

And maybe I will morph
Into your muse in the future
Pop into your prose uninvited
During a midnight tete-a-tete
And return the favour

digitalninja

brutal

Skip

yeah, apparently, the poems posted have significantly improved since I last checked in here.

Poz3D

I think it's pretty good. Fair play to you Shiv!

the raven

self-involved muck

shiv

the raven wrote:

self-involved muck

Wow! Very cutting critic indeed. Thanks for being constructive :rolleyes:

the raven

there's nothing interesting or poetically imaginative about the piece; it's just a generic rant that anyone could have written. there's no emotion of any sort produced. it doesn't effectively evoke the personality of either subject for the reader to make a personal judgement whether the narrator is in the right or wrong. it's just a bad assortment of images (good images or not is not the case) in what seems to be an effort in "witty" poetry. i think it's one of the ones that's personal to you and that you should keep to yourself - that's not meant to be an insult. what i mean to say is that anyone who writes poetry will always write stuff that's personal to them as well as the stuff they want criticised and i believe that the purpose of this creative writing forum is to present works that are intended for criticism and to criticise them so (because if not what the hell is the point? and i sincerely hope it isn't for puerile ego petting).
not to condescend but someone may misinterpret this as if i'm saying that a writer shouldn't present a piece if it is personal to them. this is not what i'm saying either. i find myself that sometimes i write pieces that are personal to me and that mean a lot to me but are in actuality sh1te pieces of poetry; i may view them as a personal triumph or whatever but i wouldn't consider them good enough to present for criticism as i'm perfectly happy with the way they are.
now, on the other hand i'll write something that is again personal to me but turns out to be the basis of a good poetic piece or blaa and i'll work on it and edit it (or not) and present it for criticism in the hope that i'll recieve beneficial critique that'll help me out and that i'll eventually improve my style and eventually get published...

wow, that's a rant... anyway...

Earthhorse

I know what you're saying raven but your original comment was hardly helpful. Besides which, I think you're begin a bit harsh on this piece. I think it holds together well for the first three verses. After that it loses the poetry for me and I'm left a little indifferent to the protaganist's situation. But I don't believe the piece entirely fails.

isolde

i like it a lot.

oddlyaromatic

I thought "pop into your prose uninvited" was pretty cool in its way.

I think, short though it was, "self-involved muck" was actually more useful than the positive comments you recieved. When you're confident enough to state the opposite, you can be happy with your writing regardless of it not landing on every target.

The Raven did make a good point about private poetry. Some things aren't made for sharing. Onto a few bits of the poem. Is there a reason for it being unpunctuated?

"Is it your life's aim
To have the entire alphabet
Follow your name"

What? How would that work exactly? I actually don't understand the premise. I get that the "you" is an arrogant bugger - but the alphabet idea doesn't really wash with me. I can't elaborate it into anything.

"Murmuring "Hello Darling"

To the legions of smart girls
You tend to go for
These days"

Probably my favourite part of the poem, a real voice is hinted at. We almost hear more of it in the next two lines, but then it gets a bit wishy-washy again.

"Well I'll look after the poetry
Sleep alongside the blame
Occasionally letting you star

Take centre screen
In front of strangers
Mouthing the emotions"

I'm just not feeling it. A comma here or there mightn't hurt to help me hear the words more instead of trying to figure out where to pause or place a stress. I get lost reading this. "Occasionally letting you star / Take center screen" seems a repetition without purpose. Part of why these verses don't endear themselves to me.

"And maybe I will morph
Into your muse in the future
Pop into your prose uninvited
During a midnight tete-a-tete
And return the favour"

I can detect a little of the self-serving attidude that the raven took note of. Perhaps because I'm not sure what favour really is being discussed, or what tete-a-tete, or what the hell, actually, is going on here.

Maybe some key element of this snuck by me. I find it a little annoying that I kind find a core to the piece. Maybe that's the point? But I'm not sure it is.

Or maybe I'm just mad at you for using the rolling eyes emoticon. How I hate that thing.

Earthhorse

I still think the three word comment is misleading. "Self involved" the poem may be but "muck" it ain't. You'll find a lot worse on the internet without having to look too hard.

I agree that the opening image, even though I like it, was under developed and led nowhere, though it evokes rather than describes so perhaps it doesn't need development? I was going to suggest changing the opening to read:

"Is it your life's aim
To have the entire alphabet
Follow your name

And be contained..."

A little linguistic trick that perhaps flattens the opening image rather than complimenting it but it would be one way to hook it up to the rest of the poem.

Anyway I don't want to analyse the poem to death. I think shiv has shown enough good work on this forum that we can trust in her critical faculties and believe her work will develop and strengthen without anyone holding her hand.

IANOC

may have personal feeling that may be gibberish to the dis-interested
but might be a masterpiece to the writer

oddlyaromatic

I agree you'll find worse without breaking a sweat.

And I am new to this part of boards, so I'm just pitching in without knowing anybody's history. It may lead to some toe-stepping but will hopefully be more to the good than the bad.

Earthhorse

Absolutely. I wouldn't want you to think I was discouraging you from expressing your opinion, which actually I pretty much agree with.

I just felt this poem had come in for some rather harsh criticism and I wanted to temper that and prevent moving into over analysis of the piece.