Ex refuses to come to 21st

keevita

yes, i know the title sounds like a fairly normal thing, but this ex and i mutually broke up 6 months ago, and we are still friends with each other, meet for coffee or a smoke every now and again, things are cool. im having my 21st later this month, and im not exactly looking forward to it yet, too much panicking over what if nobody shows up.etc. so i texted my ex along with everybody else, (except for an ex friend of his, because i didnt want there to be tension at the bash), and now the ex tells me he doesnt really want to come cos the party would 'just be full of students' and thats not his thing. am i unreasonable to be a bit miffed that he wouldnt even have the decency to show his face for a few minutes? he just dismissed it, and i feel pretty let down.

Boston

You're his ex girlfriend, He owes you nothing. If he doesn't want to attend a 21st then so be it. Maybe he's trying to send you a message that he's move on.

Con9903

Well he gave you a proper reason as to why he won't be there. He probably figured that there would be lots of people there anyway and didn't think you'd mind.

keevita

LiouVille wrote:

You're his ex girlfriend, He owes you nothing. If he doesn't want to attend a 21st then so be it. Maybe he's trying to send you a message that he's move on.

i know im the ex, but i just figured us being friends counted for something?
or am i completely deluded?

hullaballoo

Could he maybe, possibly be still hurting?

REDZ

LiouVille wrote:

You're his ex girlfriend, He owes you nothing. If he doesn't want to attend a 21st then so be it. Maybe he's trying to send you a message that he's move on.

harsh!

mr_angry

To be honest, if you are still friends, then it is pretty harsh of him (as a friend) not to come along. Then again, maybe you've mis-read the 'friend' situation?

Boston

keevita wrote:

i know im the ex, but i just figured us being friends counted for something?
or am i completely deluded?

Are all your friends coming? doubtful. Hey call his bluff and go for a birthday drink with him instead, if he refuses you know the answer to the friend question. If he says ok, then he has no problem celebrating your birthday, he just doesn't want to be stood there like a spanner in a room full of people he doesn't know.

keevita

was a bit harsh. maybe i am reading the situation wrong. im just pretty upset about it. he said his friends are not mine and vice versa, which is weird cos we generally have mutual friends. anyway, im being *mellowdramatic* [sic, his word not mine] about it so maybe i should just leave it. i just really bummed, i deliberately didnt invite people he didnt like cos i didnt want a fight.

keevita

LiouVille wrote:

Are all your friends coming? doubtful. Hey call his bluff and go for a birthday drink with him instead, if he refuses you know the answer to the friend question. If he says ok, then he has no problem celebrating your birthday, he just doesn't want to be stood there like a spanner in a room full of people he doesn't know.

he would know almost everyone there, thats what i dont get. even his best friend would be there for a while. he offered to go for a drink, but it felt like an afterthought.

Boston

Maybe there's more going on then you think, possible he's feels your getting to close again, maybe he's weary of putting out the wrong impression to your mutual friends. As for the drink, of course it was an after thought, he's a guy.

Third_Echelon

Sounds like he's not really over you to be honest...

Boston

Third_Echelon wrote:

Sounds like he's not really over you to be honest...

That or he is completely over you, and only pretending to be friends with you on the off chance you would get back with him and now he has finally realised it's not going to happen.

keevita

Third_Echelon wrote:

Sounds like he's not really over you to be honest...

well he has no problem hanging out with me normally, thats why im so confused about the whole thing.

Con9903

keevita wrote:

well he has no problem hanging out with me normally, thats why im so confused about the whole thing.

Well then he is telling the truth, he doesn't want to go because of the other people there, its not you.

leeroybrown

I wouldn't worry too much about it to be honest. A friend and I once skipped another friends 21st and instead went and watched a DVD with some beer, despite knowing over half the people there well. Sometimes you just don't feel like going out. Also, we guys have a habit of putting our own laziness before the feelings of others...

Victor

Maybe there is someone else and he'd feel awkward given the history ?

Or maybe there isn't soemone else and he'd feel awkward given the history ?

Trojan

Mind if he brings his sexy new girlfriend?

Esel

keevita wrote:

... i deliberately didnt invite people he didnt like cos i didnt want a fight.

Now you can invite them.

LundiMardi

No it's not a big deal. Some people just don't like students. I could have gone to the Trinity ball with my gf but hell no!! i'd rather not thank you very much.

At the end of the day, you're not together, he doesn't have to do anything for you. Yes you are being ''melowdramatic'', just forget about it.

misswex

Maybe he just thinks it would be awkward as an ex of yours to go to your 21st!!

And he did invite you out for a birthday drink.

Jumpy

I wouldnt go to a party with my ex. As much as I think I am over her, I wouldnt like the offchance of seeing her snog another guy. Maybe that is it?

Branoic

I've found that in nearly all "we've broken up but lets be friends" scenarios (that I've had and that anyone I know has had), one of the involved parties has totally missread the situation. Usually the other person is pretending that everything's hunky dorey and the friends thing is great, but really inside they're hoping to revive the relationship at some stage.

I'm not saying that's your situation, cos i don't know.

BobTheBeat

I Bet it hurts to feel like he threw your invite back in your face? I reckon,the truth is closer to the fact that he would probably feel like **** being at your party. Chances are,your gonna be looking well(as girls only know how!),you'll be the centre of everyones attention... generally be the belle of the ball. He probably wont be able to handle this deep down. If you read into it a bit more,there might be a bit of resentment on his part. He could also be afraid of having to bear witness to your being chatted up by some nice lookin buachaill.

You should by right be pissed off, but at the same time, let him have his primadonna moment... he'll get over it eventually.Enjoy your birthday regardless

Beruthiel

keevita wrote:

yes, i know the title sounds like a fairly normal thing, but this ex and i mutually broke up 6 months ago, and we are still friends with each other

I'm just wondering, who's idea was that?
I fail to see how anyone breaks up and can be friends straight off, I seriously don't understand how you can do that and still get over each other, unless it was never that serious in the first place?
if you had both space, time to heal and then met up, that I understand

as for him not wanting to go to your party, I can totally understand that!
I wouldn't go either, it's one thing meeting up when it's just the two of ye, but a party? with loads of people you both know, awkward in the extreem I would have thought, how do you not understand that?

skywalker

Beruthiel wrote:

I'm just wondering, who's idea was that?
I fail to see how anyone breaks up and can be friends straight off, I seriously don't understand how you can do that and still get over each other, unless it was never that serious in the first place?
if you had both space, time to heal and then met up, that I understand

Ive seen it happen before alright, and in serious long term relationships. But only in a situation where 2 people kind of drift into begin more friends than physically attracted to one another while the relationship is still going on. One day they realise this, split, and remain friends.

Beruthiel

skywalker wrote:

Ive seen it happen before alright, and in serious long term relationships. But only in a situation where 2 people kind of drift into begin more friends than physically attracted to one another while the relationship is still going on. One day they realise this, split, and remain friends.

even so
how is it possible to do that without that whole healing period?
I have remained friends with one of my ex's, but only after not seeing him for 6 months, during which time I was out and about trying to get over him.
different strokes I suppose

joejoem

Hey K, this is understandable on his part, I know you would like to see him since he was a big part of your life, but I dont think the break up was 100% mutual. The circumstances around it made the break up inevatable but you were prepared for it, was he? As far as going to the party it could be a litle bit childish on his part, but after going out with a girl for so long and everyone knowing it, sometimes its hard to adjust to being in "the friend zone" especially at something like your 21st.

I think you are better off just not pushing the subject, let it lie, on the night he will feel a huge urge to go and will be more tempted if you let him make up his own mind.

Riamfada

It seems to me that everyone is looking to deep into this. Twenty First birthday parties are over-rated and if he dosnt attend its not exactly a measure of your friendship. Perhaps he wants to move on with his life and understands that when two people break up it more healthy to get on with your life than go to a party with your ex and ALL her friends and family. Get over it.

keevita

Beruthiel wrote:

I'm just wondering, who's idea was that?
I fail to see how anyone breaks up and can be friends straight off, I seriously don't understand how you can do that and still get over each other, unless it was never that serious in the first place?
if you had both space, time to heal and then met up, that I understand

as for him not wanting to go to your party, I can totally understand that!
I wouldn't go either, it's one thing meeting up when it's just the two of ye, but a party? with loads of people you both know, awkward in the extreem I would have thought, how do you not understand that?

cos we've done it before and its been no big deal. and after we broke up we had no contact for 2 months, to get our heads together.

keevita

joejoem wrote:

Hey K, this is understandable on his part, I know you would like to see him since he was a big part of your life, but I dont think the break up was 100% mutual. The circumstances around it made the break up inevatable but you were prepared for it, was he? As far as going to the party it could be a litle bit childish on his part, but after going out with a girl for so long and everyone knowing it, sometimes its hard to adjust to being in "the friend zone" especially at something like your 21st.

I think you are better off just not pushing the subject, let it lie, on the night he will feel a huge urge to go and will be more tempted if you let him make up his own mind.

nah, i dont really want him there, and before everyone decends with a chorus of "thats so childish!" i would like to clarify that if he came, i feel it would be because he felt he had to, and thats not a healthy basis for a friendship is it? :rolleyes: thanks to everyone for advice.