serial monogamists...how do they do it?

ergo

this is a slight variation of the usual, "how to get over the ex" thread

I just can't understand the way some people seem to move seamlessly from one long term relationship to the next,

you know the way some people are always going out with someone, anyone?

are these relationships as good as those involving people who wait years and years for that special person?

Or are these people just too insecure to be alone?

Or are these people just really lucky to always meet the right person just at the end of a relationship/ start of a new one?

I suppose part of the reason I write this is that after my one significant long term relationship of 5 years ended 3 years ago, my ex who at the time said "the last thing I need is a bf" and "want to discover who I am etc etc" , around 3 weeks later starts going out with this guy who I knew she didn't/ thought she couldn't love,
and btw, I initiated that whole break-up process back then

anyway, a while ago a friend says to me "did you hear about your ex?" well anyway, apparently herself and the "rebound" guy broke up after 3 years there recently.

I have no intentions of going back there though, i think I lost a lot of respect for her for being in that relationship

I couldn't do it myself

Victor

I'm not sure if this is relevant to PI, maybe Humanities?

LadyJ

I went out with someone for 2 years and then 3 months later got with someone else and that also lasted 2 years. Both of them were and are still very special to me so it wasn't like I was going out with just anyone.
However,I find that always having someone throughout my teenage years has left me feeling very overwhelmed by being on my own in the real adult world.
Although I don't see the two relationships I mentioned as being a way of dealing with insecurity,I still think that with serial monogomists in general insecurity is the main factor.
Of course there are also many other reasons why a person may choose to live this way but,let's face it,the world can be a scary place when you're alone,especially if you aren't happy with yourself

seamus

Depends on the person. I would have big doubts that sameone who jumps from relationship to relationship has a great relationship, but equally, I'm sure some of them are great. On the other hand, people may not go out with anybody for years, and land themselves into a great or ****e relationship.

Every relationship is different. Every different "style" of dating has its flaws and perks. I would consider a "serial monogamist" to be one of those people who always seems to be going out with somone, but has never had a relationship longer than 6 months.

IMO, you're better off with periods of being by yourself, otherwise you risk becoming needy or paranoid, but there's nothing to say that you have to be out of a relationship to experience it. I don't think it's fair to say that relationship to relationship dating is better or worse. Is just "is".

TerrorFirmer

I just don't go out with people where I feel that nothing will come out of it.

So far, I have only a Year long relationship that started off great but just went sour on both parts. I waited a few months, got to know some people, and got into a new one which is now going 7 months and as strong as could be! I fail to see the point in going out with people you have no genuine desire to be with or people who just accept on the basis that they offered.

Most of these Serial monogamists, as Seamus said, are involved in relationships that either fizzle out quickly or were never genuinely wanted for reasons other then the sake of it in the first place.

Choose extremely wisely, I do. Others don't, they take what they can get, even if it means frequent change over short periods of time.

All depends on what really appeals to you I suppose!

Beruthiel

more of a discussion for Humanities I feel
B

Quantum

Abel Tasman wrote:

I just can't understand the way some people seem to move seamlessly from one long term relationship to the next,

Relationships are like swimming pools. Some people can't cope with jumping in and swimming in the deep realms of emotions and committtment, and they just dip their toes in even if they stay for months or years. They have great fun ! They never experience the rewards of such depth, but they also avoid the pain of loss.
Some people enjoy the depth and committment and the sharing and the rewards that come with such depth. However the price is the risk of the pain when this kind of emotional depth is lost.

Readjusting afterward depends directly, in my opinion, on which kind of person you are.

dundealgan

Quantum wrote:

Relationships are like swimming pools. Some people can't cope with jumping in and swimming in the deep realms of emotions and committtment, and they just dip their toes in even if they stay for months or years. They have great fun ! They never experience the rewards of such depth, but they also avoid the pain of loss.
Some people enjoy the depth and committment and the sharing and the rewards that come with such depth. However the price is the risk of the pain when this kind of emotional depth is lost.

Readjusting afterward depends directly, in my opinion, on which kind of person you are.

Very deep man, very deep. But i totally agree with you!

ergo

OK, took me a while to get back to this one

firstly, sorry for posting in "Personal Issues", am only a newbie here and didn't even know there was a humanities section

i suppose it would have been "Personal" if it had been along the lines of "so my ex has just broken up with her rebound guy....3 years later"

but tbh, 3 years on I'm not too bothered personally by whatever she is doing, but I have to say the fact that she chose to go directly out with someone else made the break-up even more difficult for me, I thought, and I suppose I was wondering how do people do it,

I love what Quantum had to say:

Quantum wrote:

Relationships are like swimming pools. Some people can't cope with jumping in and swimming in the deep realms of emotions and committtment, and they just dip their toes in even if they stay for months or years. They have great fun ! They never experience the rewards of such depth, but they also avoid the pain of loss.
Some people enjoy the depth and committment and the sharing and the rewards that come with such depth. However the price is the risk of the pain when this kind of emotional depth is lost.

Readjusting afterward depends directly, in my opinion, on which kind of person you are.

unfortunately, I think in my case I got in too deep (no regrets mind you, it's what life is all about) but maybe she wasn't in as deep or maybe she can flit between shallow and deep ends,

I don't think I can do that

Quantum

Abel Tasman wrote:

unfortunately, I think in my case I got in too deep (no regrets mind you, it's what life is all about) but maybe she wasn't in as deep or maybe she can flit between shallow and deep ends,

I don't think I can do that

Lots of us guys can't. Actually lots of guys think they can, and desparately try to do it - but get very angry at women along the way before they learn the realities of emotions.

The best thing, without meaning to sound patronising, is that you are learning about yourself and will know a little better next time.

Best of luck.