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Trapped

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  • 11-05-2005 1:47pm
    #1
    museless
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12 ✭


    Eyes darting, heart pumping, head pounding, brain jumping
    leg twitching, mind racing, heavy breathing, neck twisting

    I'm trapped, cloying darkness falls and holds me under
    as my lungs expand and my throat struggles to get air to them
    choking me, suffocating me beneath lifes heavy consequence

    I'm trapped, from the corner of my eye I see...what is it I see?
    nothing there when I turn my head is my mind failing me?
    the chains that hold me here are insubstantial
    easily broken where I not frozen to this spot

    Eyes darting, heart pumping, head pounding, brain jumping
    leg twitching, mind racing, heavy breathing, neck twisting

    I'm trapped


Comments

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    #2
    Atmosphere
    Closed Accounts Posts: 282 ✭✭Atmosphere


    Very emotional. Nice choice of words. Well done! :)


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    #3
    the raven
    Registered Users Posts: 329 ✭✭the raven


    mind the punctuation and spelling.

    too many "I"s, "me"s and "my"s, makes it terribly egocentric instead of being personal.
    'tis very melodramatic. pretentious as well.

    pare it down, omit unnecessary words and it'll be much better.


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