TRUST Issues- im turning into a mad person help!

babykiten

Hi Guys

I was wondering if youd be so kind to offer me some well needed advice?

My boyfriend and I are together 6 years, we live in London together now and its our first time living together. Since i moved over ive turned into a paranoid schitzo, but i think ive had good reason too. First it was a bucketload of porn on his machine- really cheap ****, which he said he'd remove. Then he lies bareface when i find it on his PC again a week later.
I find myself checking his fone all the time and even a female friend that he has made in the last year called him up at 4am pissed at a party and begged him to come round- it just doesnt sound right- i think he lets these people in on our special turf! I have always had jealousy from his female mates who bitch behind my back, so theres no trust there.

Then i find he comes home from a stag w/knd in prague, hes been strip clubs bla bla bla- but the worst was looking in his wallet and finding an email from a polish girl. He wouldnt have shown me if i hadnt found it. He claims it was only a friendly thing, but i felt so sick. Also the story he told me was total crap-embarrassing. I wouldnt go round taking guys emails that i met in a bar, so why does he deserve special treatment. I dont know wat to do - cant sleep at night and im going to find it hard to re-build my trust. I was going to move out last night and weve rowed solid for a month ive been tired and depressed. does anyone think im over-reacting? I just feel sick of all the 'harmless' things he does- im not sure he deserves my trust anymore and im beginning to look like a lunatic and act like one- which i want to stop.

I just feel he has disrespected me and that if he loved me and found me attractive (whcih he says im gorgeous) then why need all this attention

Help!

Ps he is a good guy and is in general right for me in so many ways

Keyzer

Quote from Casino -

"When you love someone, you've gotta trust them. There's no other way. You've got to give them the key to everything that's yours. Otherwise, what's the point? And, for a while, I believed that's the kind of love I had."

You need to decide whether this guy is "the guy" and then follow the above....

babykiten

K, thanks for that excellent choice of movie by the way- but dont you think it sounds like someone who has one foot out the door? He says he loves me and wants to get married to me but i mean it was a stag wknd and he didnt have to take somebodys email- why didnt he just say , nice meeting you after they spoke. Then to lie about it isnt a good sign (sorry for whinging) but thanks for your reply- i dont want to throw away six long years wihtout thinking it through

tinkerbell

Well if you've gotten to the stage where you are paranoid about his every move / checking his emails / checking his phone for suspicious texts, then it can't be good. You have to be able to trust the person. If you don't trust them, you're just gonna live your life sneaking around, waiting for something bad to happen.

So you gotta get outta the rut that you or in, or else you're just gonna have to move on. You've been together six years, surely ye can sort this out? Emailing some random Polish girl though is a bit off ... and also that girl calling him up at 4 in the morning, that also is a bit off ...

LundiMardi

if someone is cheating on you they don't say 'lets get married' imo.

Mr.Nice Guy

I don't think the email thing is an issue. He got the email address in Prague so it's unlikely he was ever going to see this girl again. Perhaps it was just a thing for the lads. A girl gave him her email and he enjoyed the attention. It's one thing accepting an email but it's another thing to use it and email this girl regularly. If you have some trust issues then you need to work on these but my take on this is that your boyfriend didn't do anything wrong.

Good luck to you anyway.

seamus

I think you need to work on your own trust problems before you accuse him of anything or make any rash decisions.

Why are you looking through his computer, phone and wallet? Right there is an instant alarm ringer. Do you feel a need to look through them? Do you make a point of waiting till he's not looking, or do you ask him for his wallet and them look through it?

I find myself checking his fone all the time and even a female friend that he has made in the last year called him up at 4am pissed at a party and begged him to come round- it just doesnt sound right-

I don't see why this is a big deal. People get pissed and beg other people to come to parties all the time. Happens at least once a week to me. Why does it make a difference that a girl rang him?

he didnt have to take somebodys email- why didnt he just say , nice meeting you after they spoke

Taking her email I don't think is such a big deal. Her phone number would be different - the intention is obvious. But it's quite possible that she wrote it down and gave it to him, or asked him to take it down. He's not going to say "Eh, listen, I have a girlfriend, I don't need this", he's going to take it, stick it in his wallet (to be polite) and promptly forget about it. That's probably what I would do. I do understand your reason for finding this a big deal, but I think if he says it was nothing you have to take it at face value. An email address in a wallet is nothing.

I just feel he has disrespected me and that if he loved me and found me attractive (whcih he says im gorgeous) then why need all this attention

Because it's flattering. Everyone, young and old, attached and unattached are grateful for flattery. You can't really "fill up" on your ego. Just because your happy, doesn't mean you're going to run away from casual attention from the opposite sex.

Look at it this way - if a good-looking guy came up to you in bar, and just casually started chatting to you (not the sleazy, "hey baby" stuff), would you instantly don you bag, take your drink, and say "Sorry, goodbye". If you would, I feel sorry for you

As I say, you need to look at your own trust isues first.

babykiten

seamus if a good looking guy came up to me and chatted me up (which has happened a good few times, course i wouldnt be rude, but at the end of the conversation i would leave for home wihtout his email or phone number unless i was thinking something wouls happen.i dont really see your point.

Yes i agree the trust issues are with me but his behaviour is certainly not helping, i just think ur atitude is double standards as I bet he wouldnt like if my male mates called me up at 4am acting desperate. sorry not to agree. i know im not perfect, but i think if i did the stuff he did he wouldn not be happy

seamus

babykiten wrote:

seamus if a good looking guy came up to me and chatted me up (which has happened a good few times, course i wouldnt be rude, but at the end of the conversation i would leave for home wihtout his email or phone number unless i was thinking something wouls happen.i dont really see your point.

What if you had a good chat, and he said "Hang on, I'll give you my email address if you want to mail me sometime". Now, you may say "Whoah, listen, that's OK", but many people are more likely to be polite, nod, and stick it in their bag/wallet, with no intention of using it - particularly if they're not being "Let's meet up sometime" about it. I think (certainly if it was me) that you need to have him clarify how and why he came into possession of this email address. I'd be more inclined to err on the side of innocence if it's an email address in his wallet. If he had used it, or intended to use it to cheat on you, the address would already be in his address book, and the piece of paper torn into tiny pieces and burnt.

Yes i agree the trust issues are with me but his behaviour is certainly not helping, i just think ur atitude is double standards as I bet he wouldnt like if my male mates called me up at 4am acting desperate.

He probably wouldn't, but his first instinct wouldn't be to think that you're automatically cheating on him.

Now, maybe there's more, but from what you say it doesn't sound like he's actually doing anything. It sounds like he's just living his life, while you're reading into every little thing, and scrutinising every microscopic piece of it, worrying over what may or may not be. And you do sound like you're driving yourself crazy.
Are you jealous that maybe you make a conscious effort to avoid making him jealous, or perhaps you think he's having more fun than you?

I don't know your history. I can only go on what you've told us here. I'm not trying to be harsh, I can see why you may have jealousy concerns (we all do) but it sounds to me like you're allowing your jealousy to overcome the rational part of your thinking. You sound to me like someone who's already convinced that their partner has betrayed them, you're just looking for some scrap of hard evidence.

babykiten

Well our history hasnt been perfect- he is living his life more and having more fun, but that doesnt mean it has to be at the expense of my feelings. He actually admitted he was wrong last night but it was innocent and he didnt mean to anything with it. But im sorry, im just from the old school (not so popular nowadays i guess)- of if you are truly happy with somebody and uve spent a long time together and are planning to be together and marry someday, tehn i dont believe that you need to do indulge that kind of thing.

Yes i have made a conscious effort not to make him jealous or lie or betray him because that isnt a good basis for a relationship. You should always be concious of the other partner.

He says the reason he had the mail was he got it from her just chatting, but there was obviously a move on his part to instigate that.

As far as other areas in my rel, he hasnt always been the most honest person and over the 6 years we havent always been truthful but i thought moving here would be a new departure for us, to really let go of that and build on trust, so i guess whereby it was wrong to look at his things, it seems that my instinct is right- it was just like the carry on we had when we first starting going out- whcih was fine for then, but its not anymore. As regards to personal thoughts on porn and strip clubs i also think they dont do any good - and youll see that from so many posts on the web (mostly from women). I do think all of these niggling things eat away at trust and closeness, and i like to think i know something about taht since ive been with him since 1999!

Rossonero

IMO, if i were a girl, i wouldn't trust him.

babykiten

why do u say that Rossonero? Just curious

seamus

Well there we go. Trust has been sparse since the start. But I don't see why you would expect "the carry on we had when we first starting going out" to change.

TBH general honesty seems to be lacking from both sides. He (presumably) doesn't tell you things so as to avoid you going off the handle, and you sneak around trying to find out what he's hiding from you.

if you are truly happy with somebody and uve spent a long time together and are planning to be together and marry someday, tehn i dont believe that you need to do indulge that kind of thing.

I think you need to be less chasing of what you believe is the ideal, and try and work with what you have. If you want a man who will never look twice at another woman, ever, then you'd be searching a long, long time to find you blind ideal lover.

I have no real advice for you. I can't imagine being in a 6-year relationship where trust and honesty has been so consistently missing, as you describe it.

babykiten

No seamus dont think im not grateful for the advice that youve given, because it is good to be challenged and see the big picture. Yeah i agree i may have an ideal or ideals but thats what helps to set the standards in relationships.

Yeah he does appear to go off the handle, but surely if he wasnt trying to conceal stuff he wouldnt feel the need to be dishonest. I know for a fact the guys that are settled that went on that trip didnt even know he took that email- he told me? and plus, they wouldnt dare do that on their girlf's - so i dont think, overall its a good sign or not. Intention or no intention. Believe me , it is hard for me to seriously consider if that is the way i want to live my life, i just want to hear peoples thoughts and experience and particularly guys opinions too.

jesus_thats_gre

So the girl who gave him her email address is in Poland, is that right?

Einstein

I have to say, for what it's worth, If i thought that my gf was going through my phone or emails or computer or anything like that, i wouldn't be too impressed.
You either trust someone or you don't. Theres no in between.
My gf came home from a hen night last week and showed me a business card that some bloke threw in her handbag...I thought it was funny, I didn't get all jealous and suspicious. But at the end of the day tis up to you.
Hope it all works out the way you want!
Dave

babykiten

Yeah Jesus, i have a feeling what u are going to say- but its the principal of taking the card sorry- yes she is in Poland but is moving to the UK in a few months

babykiten

Thanks Divers i know what im am doing is not right by invading his privacy- i know that is wrong but secretly i wish deep down that i wouldnt find anything. I suppose im sad about it- i know about privacy and stuff but my brain automatically thinks WHY did he hide that in the first place....

Einstein

well she says that yer man threw the card into her bag cos she wouldnt put his number into her phone. I wouldn't worry hugely about it. I meant to say last time too, the fact that he wants to get married too, someone whos playin around doesn't say that kinda stuff...You have fun and flirt when you're out with the girls dont ye?

Rossonero

babykiten wrote:

why do u say that Rossonero? Just curious

i wouldn't take a polish girls e-mail unless i wanted something to happen. Porn thing too arises suspicion, and lying about it on top of that.

jesus_thats_gre

babykiten wrote:

Yeah Jesus, i have a feeling what u are going to say- but its the principal of taking the card sorry- yes she is in Poland but is moving to the UK in a few months

So effectively he now took "the card" of a lapdancer in Poland. You originally gave the impression that she wrote it down for him or something. This would be considerably more significant that just taking her card.


How do you know she is moving to England in a few months?

babykiten

yeah maybe youre right maybe other factors have been stressing me out too- like i moved over here to start over and i am more dependant on him - have only been in lon 2 months so am trying to make my own friends..it is very tough living with someone too- you want to Know exactly WHO the person is, and i guess i was a little naive in some respects. He said its me and him for the rest of our lives- i just need to gain some trust back, its going to be hard but i didnt want to walk out on us. I do have fun with the girls but to be honest- he's usually in the back of my mind - and i cant wait when im drunk and going home cos hes the only one i want, sometimes it appears like it isnt that way with him and thats whats makin me feel a lil insecure..!

jesus_thats_gre

Rossonero wrote:

i wouldn't take a polish girls e-mail unless i wanted something to happen. Porn thing too arises suspicion, and lying about it on top of that.

Some fellas like porn, thats just the way it is. If you don't like it, you can ask him to get rid of it but you cannot make him get rid of it. It causes resentment or makes him try and hide it.. It may even make him tell you he will delete it just to shut you up or keep you happy..

Taking a business card and liking porn does not mean he is cheating on you.

babykiten

jESUS, SHE WROTE down the email for him. As a girl- i wouldnt bother my ass doing that unless i was after something- it was handwritten on a beer note. so tell me what that looks like...? i do think its more signifigant. I dont think it was a lap dancer, i think it was a girl he met in a bar over there..He is a naturally freindly person but in a situation like that he must have asked for it, theres no other way he got it. She told him she was moving here to go to col in sept - and he thought hed mail her. he put it down to being drunk, but...?

jesus_thats_gre

babykiten wrote:

yeah maybe youre right maybe other factors have been stressing me out too- like i moved over here to start over and i am more dependant on him - have only been in lon 2 months so am trying to make my own friends..it is very tough living with someone too- you want to Know exactly WHO the person is, and i guess i was a little naive in some respects. He said its me and him for the rest of our lives- i just need to gain some trust back, its going to be hard but i didnt want to walk out on us. I do have fun with the girls but to be honest- he's usually in the back of my mind - and i cant wait when im drunk and going home cos hes the only one i want, sometimes it appears like it isnt that way with him and thats whats makin me feel a lil insecure..!

People show their feelings in different ways. There is a massive difference between how men show it and women show it!!!!!

You seem to have been with him along time. Has he been like this for the majority of the time you are together or is this a recent thing.

babykiten

maybe he has always been like this but was able to hide it as we didnt live together- but now we do - its unavoidable that i see things now that maybe i didnt see before- so i really couldnt answer that honestly. I think when we argue he loggs on and watches porn or when he feels like a confidence boost he probably 'makes a new friend'.

jesus_thats_gre

babykiten wrote:

jESUS, SHE WROTE down the email for him. As a girl- i wouldnt bother my ass doing that unless i was after something- it was handwritten on a beer note. so tell me what that looks like...? i do think its more signifigant. I dont think it was a lap dancer, i think it was a girl he met in a bar over there..He is a naturally freindly person but in a situation like that he must have asked for it, theres no other way he got it. She told him she was moving here to go to col in sept - and he thought hed mail her. he put it down to being drunk, but...?

Ok so that makes it apparent that she liked him. So she may want something more out of it..

If he was hiding something, why would he tell you that she was coming over to study in England. If he has any dishonest intentions he would have kept this from you completely..

He is a friendly chap as you say.. The girl is probably drawn to the same qualities that you saw when you first met him. Do you expect him to change how he seen by other people just because you are overly jealous?

You should forget about the email address and the Polish girl as it is a dead end for your relationship. And do forget about it. Don't say you will and then bring it up in the next argument ye have.

jesus_thats_gre

babykiten wrote:

maybe he has always been like this but was able to hide it as we didnt live together- but now we do - its unavoidable that i see things now that maybe i didnt see before- so i really couldnt answer that honestly. I think when we argue he loggs on and watches porn or when he feels like a confidence boost he probably 'makes a new friend'.

So you getting jealous and the resulting arguments push him away from you? So if it keeps up it is going to get worse and likely result in a break up..

Has he always liked porn or is this something he has only got to like recently..

babykiten

Yeah i am jealous it is true, i just wanted someone to tell me that no im not nuts that there has to be some sort of attraction there for something like that to happen, but i dont belive in encouraging guys to do the same with me.

babykiten

The porn thing was always there in intermittent bursts -butr generally he didnt indulge much which was OK, and then the lads he lived with before me were just obsessed with it and shared CDs and DVDs and mails with him, i dont really mind watchin it together but lying, deleting and deceiving me isnt doing me any favours, as a result i am not going to fancy HIM anymore! He says i argue with him and bitch at him so he does that to escape i think

jesus_thats_gre

babykiten wrote:

The porn thing was always there in intermittent bursts -butr generally he didnt indulge much which was OK, and then the lads he lived with before me were just obsessed with it and shared CDs and DVDs and mails with him, i dont really mind watchin it together but lying, deleting and deceiving me isnt doing me any favours, as a result i am not going to fancy HIM anymore! He says i argue with him and bitch at him so he does that to escape i think

Time to decide whether you are going to accept that he likes it and move on or keep taking it personally that he kept it and lied about deleting it to keep you happy.




I think you need to have a bit of a think about what is important and what isn't.

babykiten

i thought honesty was important.. maybe not anymore

pickarooney

Suppose he had a bloke's e-mail address - what would you think then?
Actually, how did you even know it was a girl's address (maybe it was Maria.Polishname or hotpolishchick@whatever.com, just wondering).

babykiten wrote:

t is very tough living with someone too- you want to Know exactly WHO the person is

Honestly, you can never know who a person really is, be it your boyfriend, your best friend or your twin sister. You can only ever know what they choose to show you.

If you keep making mountains out of molehills, it's not going to help things. I honestly don't see how getting an email address, a drunken phonecall or watching a porn film add up to a hill of beans in the grand scheme of things.

babykiten wrote:

I thought honesty was important...

How honest is rooting around in his stuff when he's not there?

babykiten

good point - i suppose i wasnt honest as a result. I know it was a girl as it had Kathriona on it and he admitted that also.

Yeah i agree that you never truly know anyone but isnt that a bit negative- thats why i chose him - but i ask myself did he just put on that front and know im getting to know him 'better'.

Drunken fonecalls/ strange notes and porn certainly do not help a 'close' relationship to flourish, i just get the impression that all guys can behave like that and its acceptable but if a girl did it they would be upset too, so i dont think im unreasonable, maybe not grounds for breaking up but i have a right to say whats making me unhappy

jesus_thats_gre

babykiten wrote:

good point - i suppose i wasnt honest as a result. I know it was a girl as it had Kathriona on it and he admitted that also.

Yeah i agree that you never truly know anyone but isnt that a bit negative- thats why i chose him - but i ask myself did he just put on that front and know im getting to know him 'better'.

Drunken fonecalls/ strange notes and porn certainly do not help a 'close' relationship to flourish, i just get the impression that all guys can behave like that and its acceptable but if a girl did it they would be upset too, so i dont think im unreasonable, maybe not grounds for breaking up but i have a right to say whats making me unhappy

Are you trying to now justify something.. Because it seems that what you were worried about has been addressed that you are now trying to change it into an argument about what we see as acceptable behavior for men and women..

To be honest, men tend to be stronger willed than women and this is probably why you think men get away with more than women. Regardless, there is still plenty of women out there who **** men over every other day. I think there is another thread somewhere about a fella asking how women have become more like men in the way they approach relationships.

babykiten

will have a look so...with interest! damn whats happened the world??!!! its depressing!

Going Demented

Regarding him looking at porn. Personally, I don't see what the big deal is. If he wants to watch it let him watch it, if he lied about watching it then he must know if he said he was still watching it you would have taken an issue with it.

We all make drunken phonecalls. Someone asked him to while drunk to go to a party or whatever, so what. Drunk or sober, male or female, frank so what?

I'm not being harsh but you really seem to be making life difficult for yourself. I know you can say he is the one making you suspiciouse etc etc but frankly if i was going to such lenghts to check up on my b/f i would certainly call it a day. I'd be making myself miserable and him. What's the point? If you snoop and find something which you can deem to be "suss" (and we can make everything look suspicious if we want to), then you will have to deal with it. If you snoop and find NOTHING you may still be suspicious thinking he is still hiding something.

I think you have to deal with your trust issues. Sounds like you are just making yourself miserable to me and there's no point to it. Either trust him or don't but frankly you should stop checking his stuff. If someone was going that to me i'd be kicking them to the kerb, sorry!

jesus_thats_gre

Yeah would personally prefer it to be like it was back in the day..

The working man and house bound woman who does everything she is told and if she doesn't... sure those were the days

babykiten

demented fair enough everyones entitled to their opinion, but i do care alot about what happens in my relationship- i dont feel i have to 'let him do what he wants' all the time cos i dont do what i want all the time, thats called selfishness and im not a doormat.

pickarooney

When you say you don't do what you want all the time, what do you want to do that you don't do, and do you decide not to do it, or does he request you not to?
Do you even know what you want to do (really) or are you trying to match up to some preconceived ideal of a relationship you've been given and expect him to do the same?

Going Demented

I'm in no way saying you are a doormat or should be a doormat. I'm not saying let him do what he wants, far from it. We all have our boundaries that shouldn't be crossed and yes there should be respect to one's feelings. However in the cases you listed yes my opinion is..porn/drunken phone calls...let them lie. Not for all his sake either, for your own peace of mind. You'll drive yours scatty worrying and thinking. Sorry if i appeared harsh.

babykiten

no its cool i respect that everyone has there own lives i just dont want anymore lies, thats the reasons why these things are growing into mountains.

skittishkitten

From everything I read, I think your over reacting. I don't know what has happened in the past to make you so suspicious of him. But if your trust of him was so low then perhaps you shouldn't have moved in with him in the first place . It's like married couples having a child to make everything all better, it just ends up with a child in a bad marriage .

Fact of life - Guys watch porn , their bound to have it on their computer . They watch it on TV , they buy books and magazines, it happens , there's nothing wrong with it. I would be more worried about a guy that wasn't interested in porn.

It's unfortunate that his drunken female friend called at 4 am and woke you up and I doubt if he liked being woken at that hour in the morning either, I know I wouldn't. However he didn't run off to meet her did he ? I'm assuming he stayed with you . The situation was not in his control. I'm sure he wasn't happy to have any of his friends call at 4 am and wake the both of you, male or female.

The email addy ........ I doubt if I'd of liked for my man to show up from a stag party carrying a strippers email addy. BUT ........ it could be that he took it out of politeness and forgot to throw it away later. I'd be willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. You said she is moving to the UK later in the year to go to college. I'd hazard to guess that the move is going to be a big change for her. Forget for a moment that she's a stripper and concentrate that she is a human being. This might be a scary thing for her. She might not know anyone else and finds comfort in the fact that there is someone over here that she at least met before that could help her if she should happen to have questions. It could be perfect innocent. Again ......benefit of the doubt.

I do have real issues with the fact that you search his computer and wallet . Your invading his privacy and could end up taking completely innocent things way out of context ! I think what your doing is very self destructive, not only to yourself but to your relationship . I think you need to learn to trust your man. From what I've read he's not done anything to show you that he doesn't deserve that trust. Until he does , don't go borrowing trouble. Your snooping needs to stop . Either learn to trust him or get out now while you still can.

~

Rossonero

Going Demented wrote:

Regarding him looking at porn. Personally, I don't see what the big deal is. If he wants to watch it let him watch it, if he lied about watching it then he must know if he said he was still watching it you would have taken an issue with it.

We all make drunken phonecalls. Someone asked him to while drunk to go to a party or whatever, so what. Drunk or sober, male or female, frank so what?

I'm not being harsh but you really seem to be making life difficult for yourself. I know you can say he is the one making you suspiciouse etc etc but frankly if i was going to such lenghts to check up on my b/f i would certainly call it a day. I'd be making myself miserable and him. What's the point? If you snoop and find something which you can deem to be "suss" (and we can make everything look suspicious if we want to), then you will have to deal with it. If you snoop and find NOTHING you may still be suspicious thinking he is still hiding something.

I think you have to deal with your trust issues. Sounds like you are just making yourself miserable to me and there's no point to it. Either trust him or don't but frankly you should stop checking his stuff. If someone was going that to me i'd be kicking them to the kerb, sorry!

Turning a blind eye to small issues isn't going to help. Best to deal with the problems now, rather than in a few years realise they have grown out of proportion.


You can't force yourself to trust someone. It's either there or it isn't.

babykiten

thats exactly how i feel- the small issues are leading to large issues for me and i think you are correct- its best to deal with stuff now instead of resenting him later down the line

skittishkitten

Rossonero wrote:

Turning a blind eye to small issues isn't going to help. Best to deal with the problems now, rather than in a few years realise they have grown out of proportion.


You can't force yourself to trust someone. It's either there or it isn't.

Apparently the trust isn't there or she would not be doing what she is doing. I know alot of women have issues with men looking at porn. But tbh it's a "guy thing" they do it, it happens, it's not a huge crisis. Telling a guy not to is more than likely to have the opposite effect ....forbidden fruit and all that. It's best just to let it lay or if she found him looking at porn while she's there ...... well there are ways of distracting a man ... even from porn.

As for friends calling at 4 am ........let her answer the phone ......once she's told a couple of them "no" , I bet there calls would stop. Nothing catty or it would become a game ...... more ..... "Nope, sorry we're not interested , Thanks for calling." Notice I said "we're" not "he". This gives the impression , you want one of us, you get us both , we're a couple now. As it is she said it was only ONE call anyhow . Not something to get worked up over in my opinion.

She shouldn't have went into his wallet, she did ( trust issue) . She found the offending email addy and confronted him. He said it was a non issue , she's chosen not to believe him , why ? She could have said OK and tore it up. If he regularly brings home emails addy's and phone numbers I could see the point. But I wouldn't get worked up over one. It's where I would give him the benefit of the doubt until he has proven he doesn't deserve it.

As for letting small issues get out of hand ...... I think that is where her problem with trusting him is at at this point.


~

babykiten

hey skittish cheers for the logical and sound advice- the reason why i was pissed at the fonecall at 4am was that this girl is over-friendly with my boyf, she dropped around constantly into our house and i overheard her making snide remarks about me in the pub a few weeks ago- course the boyf said he doenst know why shes being like that.

She adores him and calls him all the time, in fact i think he deletes her messages from his fone. we were apart last year for 8 months and i was living in ireland- and she formned this instant freindship with him and of course i was a little put out- i mean i had to stay behind for a job i got and only follwed him 2months ago, he said he was lonely but i fear there maybe more on her side. She ended the calll with a big lovvve youuu and i could hear her...in fairness he said it to her that it was outta line and he funny thing is she hasnt been knocking that much lately at all, so thats my reasons for being pissed off.

I suppose i was sexually assulted a few years ago by a man in my family and he treated women like objects and since then i have become more prudish in my approach and porn just majority of it symbolises object culture etc for me., sorry thats my opinion. and i have got help since then...much stronger


I liked your approach on the 'we' i think thats great- cos when youre a 'we' then people like that cant get awaya wtih that type of behaviour so much and think they can just waltz in or call at 4am

The Clown Man

Christ almighty where does this attitude towards porn come from? It's nothing more than male entertainment. People don't "retreat" to porn. People aren't "driven" to porn. It's like women watching eastenders. And about as bad.

Seriously, get the porn thing out of your head. Watch it yourself even. Stop acting like it's some sort of sin. It's not! And there's nothing about it that is a betrayal of any sort.

As for emails, I dont know it depends on the situation.

As for girls begging him to come round at 4am. THATS suspicious. And if you were living in another country that makes it all the more so.

Anyway, you should be able to tell from him. You know him for 6 years don't tell me you can't read guilt from him. If he is guilty he has something to be guilty about.

And on the other side of things, if you constantly harrass him about trust issues he will purposefully not tell you things so you don't blow the lid. And the more you bug him the more likely it will be that he will grow further from you and then do the dirt.

Anyway, if you want trust back in your relationship you have to first start trusting him 100% even when you think you should do otherwise. Until you find you cannot trust him any more in which case you better book a flight and pack.

babykiten

cheers clown- man but ive given a response to why i dont like porn, being sexually assualted can affect your judgement on how you veiw that kinda of thing- without getting too into it.

im going to try my best to start trusting now cos its all i got now!
Ps- i wont be packing up london with him or without him!

iguana

I think you have a right to feel unhappy from what you are describing. He may not actually be doing what you are worried about, but he is doing enough to make you unhappy and suspicious. I am sure that everytime you search through his phone etc you hate yourself and it makes you so miserable. This really is no way to continue in a relationship. And unfortunately moving in together generally tends to generate more problems than it solves.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but would you consider relationship counselling? You have both just moved country and in together, both of which are incredibly stressful on their own. On top of that you have issues with trusting him and he is doing thing he knows make you unhappy. Counselling could help you two get through this.

It would give you both a chance to talk uninterrupted about how you feel and to really understand each others point of view. It could really help. If he agrees to go even that alone might help you trust him as you will see that he is willing to make an effort for the sake of the relationship.

As for how isolated this move seems to have left you, you need to do something about that. When my bf and I moved in together I moved from Limerick to Dublin and I found it very difficult to carve out my own social life and this created problems for me personally and in our relationship. Then whenever we had an argument I had nowhere to go and no-one to turn to. (I got incredibly close to my mother through many long phonecalls!)

We are both moving to London next month (where a number of his friends live and none of mine do). I have a list of things I will do to make my own social life, such as evening classes I will do and I found this site that you might want to look at;

http://movethat.co.uk/London/Forum/New_Friends/

People, most of whom are new to London, look for friends and they also organise girls nights out. Just make sure someone knows where you are going if you arrange to meet anyone. I don't know how old you are, most people on this page are in their 20's. But there are also pages for people in their 30's, 40's and 50's+ if you want to meet friends in a specific age group.

Also there is some talk of boards members living in London having a beers night at some point in June.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=161408&highlight=london+beers

And failing that you can always pm me and when I move over we can be buds!

babykiten

iguana that was really nice advice- i do think it has been overall a very stressful time for both of us, i do feel i have issues of my own and thanks so much for the link, it is very hard to start over especially when your boyfriend has a load of ready made friends! i may PM you - you seem like a nice girl, p.s. im 25