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cherries

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  • 09-05-2005 12:25am
    #1
    dan_y
    Closed Accounts Posts: 224 ✭✭


    there's something here inside me
    writhing right beneath my skin
    making movements tighter,
    dull as everything broken

    it cracks now with my knuckles
    softly breaking through the skin
    aching like age
    and weight and dull rage

    i won't understand it
    it doesn't need or want me to
    automatic like intestines
    it grates my mind for food
    i scream to no-one near me
    drowning words for lack of truth
    as crushing silence
    pinches eyelids
    and i damn myself for you

    and i damn your callous sizing
    grinding leaves beneath your hooves
    dangling your happiness
    and begging me to brood
    to make you feel the complete seal of
    want i have for you
    damning me to wrap my knuckles
    when i bleed them raw for you


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    #2
    Le Rack
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,846 ✭✭✭Le Rack


    thats brill, really deep
    the last line of the penultimate verse with the last verse are incredible!
    I love your work dude!


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    #3
    golfgirl
    Closed Accounts Posts: 96 ✭✭golfgirl


    I read this yesterday, had to come back to it today.
    It's intriguing, and wonderful.
    I don't know what it's about, could it be
    Unrequited love... an illness ..... depression ... bereavement.


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    #4
    MojoMaker
    Registered Users Posts: 4,593 ✭✭✭MojoMaker


    I have to say it seems disconnected to me. Like words were being pulled from the air and forced to fit on occasions. Some parts of it made no sense to me, from "and I damn your callous sizing...." to "...want I have for you" - a real Bermuda triangle moment when I read it first. Left me wondering where the poetry had gone.

    Overall it reads more like a stream of consciousness than a poem per se, although of course that has it's place. The poem's single word encapsulation for me...raw :)


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    #5
    shiv
    Closed Accounts Posts: 408 ✭✭shiv


    Hi dan_y. I think your last verse is strongest, some of the others struggle a bit as others have stated. I also think your similes are very effective and powerful, blunt and simple. As always, I enjoy your work, keep it up! So how many different foods have you covered now? :)
    Maybe I should take a page out of your book for some inspiration for my own titles!! ;)


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