Rules of Attraction

Sleepy

Been thinking about this for a while. What is it that attracts us to other people?

Do we end up with someone because we're fated to? Because they're the best we feel we can get? Because of some magic we've named love? Or do we just find someone we get on extremely well with that we also happen to find sexually attractive?

For my own part, I think it's sometimes a combination of all of the above. Any opinions?

simu

Sleepy wrote:

Do we end up with someone because we're fated to? Because they're the best we feel we can get? Because of some magic we've named love? Or do we just find someone we get on extremely well with that we also happen to find sexually attractive?

For my own part, I think it's sometimes a combination of all of the above. Any opinions?

Combo of one or more of the above apart from fate imo.

Fysh

I tend toward the social/biochemical interpretation (ie magic we've called love is more like a positive response to pheromones), and would say that apart from fate, all the factors you mention come into it. As in, ideally it'd be someone you get on with both socially and sexually who feels the same way about you. Depending on circumstances you may have to settle for a compromise or just go without (depending on your personal inclinations).

LadyJ

I think a big part of attraction is about pschologically meeting our needs. I think we're attracted to different kinds of people throughout our lives due to how past experiences have affected us. For example,some people can become addicted to being treated a certain way by parents etc and subconsciously spend their lives looking for a mate who treats them this way also.

CathyMoran

I am not a great believer in fate - I think that you only get one chance in life and even seemingly minor decisions can have a big impact but then again looking back on past relationships it is strange that I would have met them sooner had I made certain decisions, but I certainly would have met them, one even lived a few streets away from me when I was a little kid...having said that, I think that this is more due to the fact that it is easy to find links to people if you look...

I do think that some people just settle at a certain time in their life - or being more cynical, they are the best that we feel that we can get at the time that we want to be in a relationship.

On the other hand - I have been in love a few times and for me it was a combination of caring deeply for one another (aka thoughtfulness etc), decent conversation, lots of laughs, respect and trust - physical attraction was not always there at first, I grew to find the guys physically attractive over time.

In summary - I think that some people get together due to settling at certain times in their lives but most of us just look for a friend that we are reasonably physically attracted to.

Sleepy

Aye, I'm not a big believer in Fate myself. Just mentioned it because a lot of people seem to believe in it when discussing love and loved ones.

Very little mentioned here I'd disagree with so far. Interesting, have we found a topic we're all in agreement on.

pretty-in-pink

I think that physical attraction is an important hook, after all why would you want to even kiss someone you don't fancy? Over time its how you get on with someone that takes more importance.

/*
In the cases where you love someone....first of all I think romantic love is very rarely love.....its usually lust and liking someone. Something like obcession. Maybe platonic love.

Love is a word bandied about by people who want to feel more secure etc, but I think its something you feel nearly immediatley or not at all. You have to click on basicaly every level, and be able to overcome hard times, to be in love. the feeling that someone is right for you either hits you as soon as you see them romanticaly or not at all. Love has so many faces, and variations that to truly define romantic love, you would have to look at true love. Its a complicated issue.

I believe it exists, but I also think its abused. As for settling, well thats just not love. If you love someone you wouldn't consider it to be settling.

*/

Back to attraction, the more you like someone the more you find their features to be ideal for mating with. Some sort of trick nature plays on us. That said there are certain men/women everyone finds attractive....so sexual attraction is the most powerful attraction, it strikes first and hardest. The rest becomes important when you move from mere attraction to wanting to date someone. Attraction can exist without love, but love(in the terms being used here) cannot exist without attraction.

simu

naughty_girl wrote:

I think that physical attraction is an important hook, after all why would you want to even kiss someone you don't fancy?

Drink, desperation, dares!

pretty-in-pink

True, True.......

God thats gotten me into interest circumstances.

Drink + Spin the bottle = trouble :eek:

--Kaiser--

naughty_girl wrote:

Love is a word bandied about by people who want to feel more secure etc, but I think its something you feel nearly immediatley or not at all. You have to click on basicaly every level, and be able to overcome hard times, to be in love. the feeling that someone is right for you either hits you as soon as you see them romanticaly or not at all.

I would have to disagree on this, from my experience love is something that develops, I don't believe in love at first sight and never have, I have loads of friends in 'love' who hated each other when they first met!

Iago

I do believe in love at first sight, or certainly lust at first sight and love at first conversation...

I think there are a number of factors that attract us to other people, obviously compatability comes into it, having the same sense of humour and some of the same interests and fundamental beliefs is always a key point of attraction.

Physically there has to be a spark, that can be something as small as a glint in the eye or a hint of a smile, or something as big as the fact that either person is perfectly symmetrical and possessing a body that has all the right proporations.

For me I've always thought that if you don't share a laugh or a genuine smile within the first 5 minutes of normal conversation then you're going to have problems down the line, that's been true for me, may not be true for everyone else.

If I was to list things that I find attractive, I'd start with the same sense of humour, an adventurous pesonality, easygoing and outgoing & intelligence. Looks etc would fall in after all of that..I think attraction is subjective but the underlining reasons remain the same whoever you are

Kell

Scientifically, we choose a partner or are attracted to people because or instincts tell us that a sexual communion will produce good off-spring with said person we are attracted to. How that works for Gay/Lesbian encounters I dont know, but anyway.

Someone mentioned need fulfillment earlier. The overall objective for any human being is to find that they are capable of fulfilling their own needs independant of anyone else (psychological ones anyway) so effectively choosing a partner with the intention of having your needs met is merely using them and shouldnt really be the basis of a relationship.

Personally speaking, I choose a partner based on deciding whether the person would complement my life or not. I dont think that two people need to be wrapped up in eachother to achieve a good relationship. Rather I believe that their lives should run in parallel with eachothers with both partners mutually benefitting. As per my post in the "unconditional love" thread, I do think that this type of relationship is possible where there is no self sacrifice or self compromise. Key is to just be good enough to yourself to wait until you finally find the one you can have that sort of relationship with and then have the balls to overcome your fear of rejection and go with it.

K-