a text

golfgirl

a text
just a few letters of the alphabet
stuck together
ending in a question mark

- and I feel like a teenager
full of energy and hope

- What if that vibration
had not come to shake my day

a merry go round of merlot
we're spinning the bottle again
I'm so drunk I've nowhere to go
Fence it up or feel the pain.

shiv

I think your last two stanzas are far stronger than the first two.
I think you really capture the momentary feeling of elation/trepidation we can feel when we're unsure of our ground in a relationship and we're relying on a little piece of technology to do our communicating for us.
Interesting use of words in the last paragraph especially.
It leaves the reader wondering, what happened next, what did the text SAY??
Good stuff

MojoMaker

Excellent work golfgirl.

golfgirl

Thank you for your comments Shiv and MojoMaker.

Shiv, I guess I didn't know where I wanted to go with the poem, hence the rather confused last stanza. I suppose, despite the excitement a new love brings, in some way, it can drag up painful memories of old relationships ... I really wanted to reflect happy feelings but somehow I end up with the word 'pain' ... what's that all about ... grrrr !

Shad0r

golfgirl wrote:

I really wanted to reflect happy feelings but somehow I end up with the word 'pain' ... what's that all about ... grrrr !

Lol yeah you sort of killed the happy buzz that was going on with the last two lines alright, but overall I really liked the poem, the first two stanzas included. I felt that whole piece meshed together very well...altho to be fair the first time I read it I thought it was more of a 'getting back together with an ex' than a 'new love interest' poem. I'm sure it was those last two lines that led me astray

BEAT

wow, I am surprised to see my best 3 critics and contributors giving praise to this piece.
I found it dull, empty and rather childlike. It seemd to me, and I do apologise for the harsh criticism, it could have been better if more time was put into it. I dont know, it just isnt something I would say was a good piece of writing or poetry.
I dont want to discourage you, but I would say to take your original idea and do something more with it? It felt like you were trying to get your "feelings' across and yet left it feeling rather dull.

Some poems are better when they are short and to the point, but a poem about a text message, dear me...the topic alone, it would need 'more' to keep me reading.

I text people everyday close and far away and each message I send and receive is either for informational purpose, flirty, fun or to pass time...your message had content for a much more indepth poem and left it cut short.

Understand?

magpie

a txt
jst a few ltrs of te alphbt
stck tgthr
endg n a qstn mrk

- nd I fl lk a tngr
fll f nrg n hpe

- Wot if tht vbrtn
hd nt cm t shk my dy

a mrry g rnd of mrlt
wr spnng te bttl agn
Im so drnk I've nwhr 2 go
Fnc it up r fl te pn

Would have been better TBH

humbleCounty

a txt
jst a few ltrs of te alphbt
stck tgthr
endg n a qstn mrk

- nd I fl lk a tngr
fll f nrg n hpe

- Wot if tht vbrtn
hd nt cm t shk my dy

a mrry g rnd of mrlt
wr spnng te bttl agn
Im so drnk I've nwhr 2 go
Fnc it up r fl te pn

think the poem is ok, thats pretty funny though

golfgirl

Hi all! Wow, six replies, thank you ...

Latin Beat, thanks for your criticism. Seriously I was kinda surprised (but not unhappy!) that this got good reviews too. 'Dull, empty, childlike', like I said I wrote it in <5 mins so maybe that's why. It could be alot better I know, I just find it really hard to re-write poems cos I like them to flow as they are, so they feel natural, untouched, original. I know this is a crazy approach ....

However, why would you criticise the subject ... surely we can write poems about whatever we want .. a dust mite, the universe, carpet ... Look at how a text can conjure up such deep feeling .. it's the feeling that's important to me. I take on board your comments tho, and thanks for them.

Magpie, very cool .. I really like your twist, thanks!

MojoMaker

The original poem is not trying to be something it isn't, and that makes a refreshing change around here. It is simple, yes, but it's very simplicity frees it from the usual introverted struggle for enigmatic expression that feeds poetry circles right now.

Good to see a poem that isn't about self loathing, violence, and emotional instability. Bring on some more like this before it becomes a dying art.

Text messaging is certainly contemporary if nothing else BEAT

shiv

LATIN BEAT wrote:

wow, I am surprised to see my best 3 critics and contributors giving praise to this piece.
I found it dull, empty and rather childlike. It seemd to me, and I do apologise for the harsh criticism, it could have been better if more time was put into it. I dont know, it just isnt something I would say was a good piece of writing or poetry.
I dont want to discourage you, but I would say to take your original idea and do something more with it? It felt like you were trying to get your "feelings' across and yet left it feeling rather dull.

Some poems are better when they are short and to the point, but a poem about a text message, dear me...the topic alone, it would need 'more' to keep me reading.

I text people everyday close and far away and each message I send and receive is either for informational purpose, flirty, fun or to pass time...your message had content for a much more indepth poem and left it cut short.

Understand?

Hey beat, why'd you go latin?
Wow, that was a pretty strong reaction! First off let me say I was honest in my critique, the last two stanzas were better than the first. Now I won't say they were mind-blowingly brilliant, but better. I feel it's important to encourage people and give them some positive aspect about their work, especially when they're new and specifically ask you for feedback.

I think we all know how it feels to type our innermost hurts and joys on to the screen and have it blinking back at you for days on end with no response, like it doesn't matter. So whenever I can offer something, I try. I will agree there's much more that could've been explored here, but I agree with MojoMaker, texts are a minefield of emotion, anticipation and weird nuances of communication. Remember my poem, textual relationship? I think that got me my most views ever (and yes, I'm petty enough to keep an eye on these things...from time to time..

Shad0r

LATIN BEAT wrote:

wow, I am surprised to see my best 3 critics and contributors giving praise to this piece.

I only ever give my honest opinion about writing here because I dont really believe that patting someone on the back when they produce drivel is really productive...besides its just more tripe dressed as poetry that I'll eventually end up wasting my time reading

I found it dull, empty and rather childlike. It seemd to me, and I do apologise for the harsh criticism, it could have been better if more time was put into it. I dont know, it just isnt something I would say was a good piece of writing or poetry.

Some poems are better when they are short and to the point, but a poem about a text message, dear me...the topic alone, it would need 'more' to keep me reading.

First I'd like to say, what Mojo said: The poem isnt trying to be something its not, which is very refreshing. Its very simple yes but from what I took from it, its about alot more than just a text message. I read the text message as the catalyst to what was really going on.

Anyway poetry is very subjective and open to interpretation and in that respect I stand by what I originally said. I enjoyed the poem and would like to read more of golfgirl's stuff.

BEAT

hmmm very good, I see where you are all coming from
I wasnt attacking the subject matter itself so much as the content of the poem.
I enjoyed the last stanza but the lines leading up to it leave me feeling like something is missing.

I stick by my opinion, that while you all think is ok in its simplicity, that it seems to want to build up to something but doesnt. The OP even said she was trying to express her feelings but it took her a minute to write it...so right there you see that the poem has potential to be more and was just kinda cut off...and that was the feeling I got from reading it

Salubri

Bit harsh LATIN BEAT but then that's what we're here for isn't it...
I agree the last stanza doesn't really fit with the others. Not better or worse in my opinion but different and more classical in its construction. The first stanza is a mess but that's probably just down to haste - the whole thing says what it is trying to say, briefly and succinctly and is easy to read. Would trip nicely off the tongue.

GolfGirl - It's almost like you had an interesting idea to jot down and then when you followed it up with another thought you realised it could become a poem and then worked at the ending and produced something worthwhile...

*grin* I'm sure this isn't deliberate but one could almost look at the piece and see it as a reverse progression of poetry in general...
Last stanza - old school, rhyming structure and rhythmic (for what there is of it)
Middle stanzas - more modern, more quirky, more off the cuff and a little less structured.
First stanza - Is this where modern poetry is going? Ouch! *grin*