Why is the right thing always the hardest?

LegacyUser

It's 9:30am and i'm drinking. Well not quite. That was me at 9:30 this morning. Now it's late and i'm very drunk.

It's not a cure for anything. It just helps numb the pain a little. A little enough to stop the damn streaming water from my eyes.

A few months back I stopped talking to my ex. Well she's my ex because I broke up with her. I broke up because i'm stuck here. Stranded, in the arse end of nowhere a couple of miles outside of the city. She's right in the middle of it.

I have no cash. It's all stuck in this ****ing house I live in. It's my investment I suppose. I've been here over 2 years now and it's starting to feel like a prison cell. I've got everyone telling me to give it up, but if I do then it's all for nothing. All that i've sacraficed.

The main one being love. I couldn't be with her because I had no money to go to her. She couldn't afford to keep coming out to me by taxi, and neither of us can drive. Too far to walk. Would take a couple of hours to get to each other.

So I told her to move on and stopped calling her. She did. And it hurts like hell. She's now with a friend of mine. Friend being a word I use loosely. I don't really have friends. None that I would really call friend anyway. But i'm picky about friends. If they're not close enough to be there for me they're not friend imo. And I really just don't have any.

Problem is that I was with her for years. We split because I was confused. I had never been in a long term relationship before. Basically most women i've been with have used me. Used me and just broken my heart. I've spent my teenage years in a lot of pain. It hasn't really stopped.

When I met her, I fell in love like never before. I was much younger then, it was years ago and I was still a teenager. So was she. Within a year we moved in together and I guess that was a mistake. At the time I wanted out of my parents house (had been away to uni then came back with nowhere else to stay) because of the arguments, and she wanted out of her sisters house because she was trying to run her life. We moved in together, and for a time it was great.

Before that we saw each other every night for about 9 months. Never apart. It felt slightly smothering so I kinda figured as well that if we moved in together she wouldn't NEED to see me as much. She wanted more. Within a couple of months she proposed. I was shocked. I was young and I had never even thought about it. I panicked and said no. It plagued me for years after. Every day after that I questioned the relationship "Is this time for marriage?".

Well a couple of years in, I was still happy, but then I started to look at other women. Something I had never done. Hadn't even crossed my mind. It didn't start as looking at other women, but as dreams. I would be unfaithful in my dreams and wake up feeling like ****. I started thinking I didn't deserve my g/f. And then I started getting depressed. Something I had been for years because of all the lonliness and failed 'relationships'.

I met some friends who introduced me to the PC. At this stage I had lost most of my friends because she wanted more time with me, which translated into I couldn't leave the house most of the time. But when I got the PC, I started playing games. She started going out to the bar with her friends. It was a win win situation or so we thought.

We moved shortly after. After 2 years living together. Moved into her sister's old place. Less rent, more space. Seemed great. I didn't realise though that I had pulled myself so far from the world I couldn't face anyone. I didn't leave the house, though she did. I started getting paranoid, but I kept reminding myself that she loved me, and it was OK.

Then in work I met someone. Not that I did anything, or that she would want anything to do with me though. I started having thoughts of someone outside of my dreams. A real person I could see a relationship with. Never had this before. So I did a stupid thing. I was honest with my g/f and said I wanted time to myself to think about this. Not that I wanted to do anything, but the fact that I was thinking of other women made me question what was happening in our relationship. Things were never the same again.

A few months later we split. It was hard for me. I went into councelling. She went with someone else. I thought I was feeling better. Finally over the depression, but I wasn't. She split with him and for some reason I got back with her. I never stopped loving her was the truth of it. Was rocky. We argued a lot. Never believed either of us loved the other. We had a few on/off situations. Mostly ex sex and bad attemps at a relationship.

Brings me to lately. At christmas I said an end to it all. It wasn't enough for her, and I felt like **** dragging her through my own trouble and the depression i'd regressed to.

So I thought to myself - let her find someone she can be truely happy with. I'll be happy for her. I guess I am, cause I still love her, but it's hard as hell .

I think I did the right thing, but it's god damn painful. I'm stuck here now. My jail cell. I can't get out, and nobody will come near me. I only have the internet to take away the boredom. Suicide has crossed my mind enough times. Has really since I was a teenager. Never had a good time. Family bother and a really bad personal life. Add to that no self confidence and healthy dose of self loathing. It's a nice package - you can imagine why i'm not beating the women off.

I wish there was a question here. I wish I could do something to answer this or even ask this. At this point I don't even think anything can make me happy. I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. If she came back to me, i'd still be useless to her imo. If she stays with him (my so called friend) then I just hurt. And keep hurting, because I can't get any more free councelling. And I can't afford to pay for it. Drugs are out - I won't even take asprin. I don't believe in them, and don't think I would feel any better about myself if I did anyway.

This is a rant of sorts I suppose. A drunken pointless lonely rant. But I have to get it out - cause i've nobody to talk to

Thanks for your time.

WhiteWashMan

so what exactly is your problem?

Dreamcatcher

First thing, as WWM pointed out “What exactly is the problem?”
In case that crosses your(self-admitted paranoid) mind as being a “being smart” response, it isn’t…..
You can’t begin to address your problem(s) till you can identify what is really bringing you down.

I assume that you’ve logged off and gone to bed now after a whole day drinking.
When you’re checking out this thread the next day or whenever, don’t worry about the rant, or be embarassed. We all need to rant now and again. Personally I find that writing down how you feel is very therapeutic. What I do sometimes, when I’ve no-one to talk to, I open up a word document and write it down. At first, it just all comes out on the page. But then, if I reread what I’ve written, then or the next day, or whenever, I’ll arrive at some sort of insight into my feelings, my attitude etc.
It would help, I think if you really re-read what you posted, read it a few times. Listen to what you’ve “said” and do the mental exercise of imagining yourself in the situation of posting advice to someone else who has written those exact same words.
If you do this, post again(sober, or as close as possible) with a greater insight as to what advice you're looking for here.

In an ideal world if you could afford councelling, that’s what you oughta go for. (I myself would benefit from having a professional to talk to at this phase of my life , but I also can’t afford it).
Meanwhile it’s a case of having to do some mental working-it-out by it by yourself. It would really help your situation if you could think hard about your life and try hard to ISOLATE the problem(s).
This begins by not being so hard on yourself, and by respecting yourself, looking after yourself, realising that you have to “own” the decisions that you’ve made and taking responsibility for your own life. Identify seriously(write it down), what you can change and have the grace to know what cannot possibly ever be changed and seek to grow as a person by learning from your mistakes. What does not kill you makes you stronger.

I can identify with certain aspects of what you’ve posted. The having no-one to talk to when you’re depressed is not a nice place to be – you are more than welcome to PM me(you’ll have to register), if you have succeeded in identifying what is at the heart of the situation that you find yourself in and you really want to take steps to move move forward, instead of wallowing in despair...

I hope that what I’ve posted helps somehow and I hope that you’ll get back and let us know how you’re getting on (after tomorrow, : tomorrow you’ll likely be hungover – take a couple of aspirin, and drink as much water as you can stomach, and do not eat until you hear your stomach growling!)

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

OfflerCrocGod

WhiteWashMan wrote:

so what exactly is your problem?

He wants to talk - it helps some people.

nesf

I had a similar experince after coming out of a two year relationship.

I wish I could tell you how I got myself out of it, but I broke up the relationship because I was very depressed and didn't want to put her through it. I spent the next two years climbing out of that depression, and that was my only focus.

I did however go off the drink for a year a three months after the break up. I had started drinking very heavily and there are a lot of alcoholics in my family and I was looking like joining them for those three months. After about two months off the drink I started to get my **** together and started sorting myself out. I returned to therapy properly and got myself a psychiatrist.

Best advice I can give is quit the drink mate. It just makes life so much harder when you see it through the end of the pint glass.

I went back on the drink after being off it for 13 months and have been drinking for the past 15 months or so. I've almost slipped once or twice, but I am a moderate drinker now. No drinks alone at home. No drinking myself into oblivion. I am very glad I got off the drink back then, but it doesn't have to be a permenant thing. Once you get a handle on the problems that were causing you to drink excessively you can drink socially without fear of it turning into a five day binge.

Best of luck mate, I hope life comes together more for you.

Paligulus

In fairness, he appologised in advance for a lack of a clear question...

As for advice. Well, I'd advise you read your own post. Then to re-read DreamCatcher's reply. That was as good a reply as anybody could give...

WhiteWashMan

OfflerCrocGod wrote:

He wants to talk - it helps some people.

yes, and if you were bright enough, you might also point out to other people who may not see the 'point' of my post, which is to make the OP think about exactly what it is his problems re.

melodramatic meanderings may be a useful way of geting your thoughts out, but actually revisiting what you have written and gaining a better idea of what your problems are, are a better way.

so, before you make any more smarty-pants comments, i suggest you check out my clogs, they are definately clever, and you may see that my post is not as irrelevant as your post may suggest....

by the way, wanting to talk is not a PI. too much self absobed masturbation is.


now, for the OP to continue his path to self help, do you or do you not think he should figure out exactly what his problems are?

to be honest, i see a lot of symptoms, but i dont know about the causes.
after all, it is an excerise in seeking more information, is it not?


yes, helpful i am today. putting up with rubbish posts from people on this forum that add nothing to the discussion, does not advise, and mearly adds to annoy, i will not...

Le Rack

I really dont know if this will help but when I'm really depressed I write.
I have a book of suicidal freescripts. Just like you did in your post just write what your feling even if it feels like theres nothing there to write just start and it will flow. Dont follow or watch what your writing and when you feel its done let it go, come back a while later and re-read it. It releases all your feelings and helps you see where to start in sorting yourself out. Sorry if thats not much help but of all the crap Iv gone through Iv never experienced anything that bad but please do get of the drink, it is a depressent and it will help you save money.
Good luck and I hope you'll be okay.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I don't usually drink. It's usually ever few months. I guess I just thought it might help me get through this.

Maybe my question is did I do the right thing?

Do I deserve to be happy? Not the usual bull**** answer of "everyone deserves it", but me. Do I deserve it. None of you can answer that, I know. It's down to me I suppose.

I've wandered around the personal issues and I checked the stickies. Apparently in a (not exact) test, i'm well well well past severe depression. I just thought I had bad concentration and was tired a lot. When I check the questions it actually makes me realise what i've been doing.

I need to see a doc I suppose now. Maybe drugs are the only option. Councelling didn't seem to work. I guess it was just a way of letting out the problems, but they've come back.

I just wish I could be happy. I wish I could find something that I could look forward to be happy about. I don't feel that any more. I'd love to be able to say "sort out your ideas and you can get back with her. That would make you happy", but she's gone now. She's with Mr Perfect.

I don't even know what she saw in me in the first place. Maybe something I can't see myself.

Did I do the right thing? Is this some bull**** we're taught through TV and fairy stories that you have to do the right thing even when it's this hard? I'm beginning to wonder if I should have ever thought to stop seeing her.

I'm so domesticated now I still sleep on one side of the bed even though it's a really big bed. I still wake expecting to see her lying there beside me. Asleep - beautiful. But I wake to see a pillow. An empty pillow that I don't think anyone will ever lay on again.

As for the beer - it's gonna be a dent out of my next wages when the bills come around. It was cheap nasty stuff so thankfully it's not going to hit it that hard.

I've read over what I typed earlier. Apart from thinking I need to see a doc though, I don't see anything else I can do. At this point I just don't feel like I even want to. Right now, the pain is all I have to hold on to. If I lose that, I have nothing.

Have you ever felt that you didn't deserve to be happy? You were in the greatest relationship of your life and one day you just woke up and thought "I don't deserve this"?

I don't get a choice right now on taking responsibility for my actions. I'm living with them, and there's no way to change them that I can see.

I wish I could turn back time. I wish I had just called. Just told her that I loved her when it would have made a difference. I sent her a text message today. Stupid, I know. I told her that I loved her. I don't expect a reply really.

I'm such a pushover. When I was with girls before and they had their boyfriends still wanting them, I felt so guilty for being with them. I felt I shouldn't get in the way of everyone else on this planet who deserves to be together.

When people say there's someone out there for everyone then I realise this. That's either bull****, or i've found her and lost her. And if that's the case then I honestly don't know what i'm going to do.

Thanks again for your replies. It's nice to be able to tell people this stuff. It helps a bit.

Mr.Nice Guy

Hard Decisions wrote:

When people say there's someone out there for everyone then I realise this. That's either bull****, or i've found her and lost her. And if that's the case then I honestly don't know what i'm going to do.

I don't beleive that there is one person for everybody. If you want something from this life you have to get it yourself. This is not easy. I know myself what it is like to be in a rut and to go through a cycle of laziness and depression and to have it feel like it won't stop. Ultimately, what I did was write out things that I felt I needed to do to make myself happy and to get me out of the rut and I went out and did them. I recommend it to anybody. If you feel overweight and out of shape, join a gym. If you feel lonely, take up something you enjoy and meet like-minded people. If you feel bored, go on a ramble somewhere and occupy yourself. Life is what you make of it. If you sit around and feel sorry for yourself and bemoan the people who have been and gone in your life you will get nowhere. Women come and go but YOU are forever. Go out there and make yourself happy and acknowledge that having a woman in your life is merely a bonus. I don't know if this has helped you because perhaps you do need medication from a doctor, but if you think you can do what I have outlined, go out and do it and you will feel all the better for it. Good luck.

the_syco

Do you have a job?

This house your in; why is it special? Ever think of moving from it, and making a fresh start?

elivsvonchiaing

Hard Decisions wrote:

Thanks for the replies.

I don't usually drink. It's usually ever few months. I guess I just thought it might help me get through this.

In my experience no it doesn't help in the long term - gives illusion of help short term - v short term!

Hard Decisions wrote:

Maybe my question is did I do the right thing?

Do I deserve to be happy? Not the usual bull**** answer of "everyone deserves it", but me. Do I deserve it. None of you can answer that, I know. It's down to me I suppose.

You need to expunge your demons methinks - talk to people - talk to school mates you haven't spoken to in years... might give some pointers

Hard Decisions wrote:

I've wandered around the personal issues and I checked the stickies. Apparently in a (not exact) test, i'm well well well past severe depression. I just thought I had bad concentration and was tired a lot. When I check the questions it actually makes me realise what i've been doing.

I need to see a doc I suppose now. Maybe drugs are the only option. Councelling didn't seem to work. I guess it was just a way of letting out the problems, but they've come back.

Not fan of prozac SSRIs but - you might benefit from these short term...

Hard Decisions wrote:

I just wish I could be happy. I wish I could find something that I could look forward to be happy about. I don't feel that any more. I'd love to be able to say "sort out your ideas and you can get back with her. That would make you happy", but she's gone now. She's with Mr Perfect.

...and far away hills are greener! she's probably making mr perfects life hell for all you know! just cut yourself out of thinking about her. Your biggest mistake was trying to ressurrect a dead relationship - accept its over wish her luck and don't try to find out anything about her - when friends inadvertently tell you - just don't read anything into it!

Hard Decisions wrote:

I don't even know what she saw in me in the first place. Maybe something I can't see myself.

... just get her outta yer head and someone else will see it okay!

Hard Decisions wrote:

Did I do the right thing? Is this some bull**** we're taught through TV and fairy stories that you have to do the right thing even when it's this hard? I'm beginning to wonder if I should have ever thought to stop seeing her.

...if a relationship is dead - there's no point in flogging a dead horse - you still in love with the "idea" of her - not her! get your head around that!

Hard Decisions wrote:

I'm so domesticated now I still sleep on one side of the bed even though it's a really big bed. I still wake expecting to see her lying there beside me. Asleep - beautiful. But I wake to see a pillow. An empty pillow that I don't think anyone will ever lay on again.

See above - move on...

Hard Decisions wrote:

As for the beer - it's gonna be a dent out of my next wages when the bills come around. It was cheap nasty stuff so thankfully it's not going to hit it that hard.

See above...

Hard Decisions wrote:

I've read over what I typed earlier. Apart from thinking I need to see a doc though, I don't see anything else I can do. At this point I just don't feel like I even want to. Right now, the pain is all I have to hold on to. If I lose that, I have nothing.

Most quacks would happily prescribe you happy drugs till you eligible for bus-pass... do it for no more than 3-6 months imho - use elevated state to elevate yourself by yourself - get out of pit! You can do it... even I managed this!

Hard Decisions wrote:

Have you ever felt that you didn't deserve to be happy? You were in the greatest relationship of your life and one day you just woke up and thought "I don't deserve this"?

No. Maybe briefly - but been in relationships where got to stage - " don't deserve this sh!t!"

Hard Decisions wrote:

I don't get a choice right now on taking responsibility for my actions. I'm living with them, and there's no way to change them that I can see.

I could have topped myself 7 years ago! Was thinking like you... now I'm so glad to be alive - it was rough - but I eventually got there... Just realise you can get through this. (Hint have had no contact with ex - no idea she in country still - dead or alive - don't want to know - wish her well - just don't want to know!)

Before her I left the country - just to escape circle of exs earn great money! not! But not with real hurt in mind - you might consider this...

Went where I didn't know a soul - just made new friends! It can be done...

Hard Decisions wrote:

I wish I could turn back time. I wish I had just called. Just told her that I loved her when it would have made a difference. I sent her a text message today. Stupid, I know. I told her that I loved her. I don't expect a reply really.

I'm such a pushover. When I was with girls before and they had their boyfriends still wanting them, I felt so guilty for being with them. I felt I shouldn't get in the way of everyone else on this planet who deserves to be together.

JUST GET HER OUT OF YOUR HEAD - ITS OVER... that's what people do - they move on... that is why they were with you - to detach - its just easier for girls to do this imho - so feel no guilt!

Hard Decisions wrote:

When people say there's someone out there for everyone then I realise this. That's either bull****, or i've found her and lost her. And if that's the case then I honestly don't know what i'm going to do.

Now that's believing in fairy stories... forget her and move on...

Words are cheap... but I've been there (in some form)...

DO: Consider going to GP for SSRIs short term

DONT: Think about what could have been - how you failed her in someway...

DONT: Think about how she failed you... (prob years away - methinks she did too).

DO: Post your further thoughts on this!

LegacyUser

I hope this can be closure for me.

Thanks for all of the advice. It has helped. I think the statement that I don't deserve this **** any more is probably the one that's snapped me out of this.

A huge part of our relationship was that she drank. About 90% of her family are alcoholics. She has a father and a step father and they both are. Both have heart problems because of it. Her mother is a lockin alcoholic. When she goes on a binge nobody goes near her. Her sisters have turned to it for help, and she has used it as a crutch, even though she grew up in an alcohol filled enviroment where she knew how destructive it is. I guess using it to numb the pain the last couple of days has been ironic. I wanted to see what it was doing to them to see how it helped them cope. It doesn't.

I loved her but it was tearing us apart and I feared for her. How it would be if we had kids and she kept it going. She was already turning into her mother in so many other ways. They were the arguments. The inability to see her when I wanted to was the other. I'm still stuck in that boat.

The house isn't just about me. It's about my family. My father helped me get the money to buy it. It's not entirely mine because of a scheme that lets you buy half, rent half with the option to buy out the other half at any time. Right now i'm waiting for it to go up in price and then sell up to make enough money to buy a full place of my own. It should hopefully only be another year or two.

Today i'm going to my GP. I'm going to tell him what's going on, and remind him that I contacted him years ago to see about counceling. I hope he can give me something short term to get me out of this hole i'm in, enough to get out and meet other people.

I've written a final text message. I hope this is enough closure for me, and that the drugs will help me get past this. Last time I did a lot of self harm. The upshot is that I understand others now who've gone through this, and i've recently helped a close friend of mine get through some relationship problems. I seem great at giving the advice but terrible at taking it.

OK. This is hard for me but i'm going to get over you. I'm going to the doc today and i'm going to get some drugs to help cheer me up a bit. You don't know what this feeling is like cause you've always had me to call and we could get back. You've never called and had me say sorry i'm in love with someone else now. I've had that twice from you now. It feels like i'm stuck in limbo and even if I scream nobody can hear me. Let me know how your father's getting on but apart from that don't contact me. At least until you hear i've found someone else. That might take years but it took me years to find you so that's no different. Take care. Be happy, but please cut out the drink. It will ruin your life. Maybe Gavin will be enough to make you happy and confident enough to get off it instead of being like me and driving you to drink more. I'll always love you. I never lied in the cards I wrote so any time you want to remember just read them. Good luck and have a happy life. XOXOXOXO

I hope this will be enough for me. I'm going back to bed now. I've been tossing and turning all night with nightmares again. The sheets are drenched.

It's over. I've got to move on. Be happy that she's found someone special. She deserves him. Maybe he deserves her too. I don't know.

I hope I can get sorted. I hope maybe over time I can revisit this thread and give updates. It would be nice to keep an anonymous journal of my troubles. I tried keeping a journal in hardcopy before but I had to get rid of it because people kept finding it (not a lot of place in this house to hide things and I can't afford a decent lock/safe to keep things in). Suicidal thoughts aren't pretty. People who read them tend to think you're completely out of your mind. Maybe that's what it is.

Who knows, with some help, the nightmares might even stop now. I can start having a decent nights sleep again.

Thanks again everybody.

WhiteWashMan

OK. This is hard for me but i'm going to get over you. I'm going to the doc today and i'm going to get some drugs to help cheer me up a bit. You don't know what this feeling is like cause you've always had me to call and we could get back. You've never called and had me say sorry i'm in love with someone else now. I've had that twice from you now. It feels like i'm stuck in limbo and even if I scream nobody can hear me. Let me know how your father's getting on but apart from that don't contact me. At least until you hear i've found someone else. That might take years but it took me years to find you so that's no different. Take care. Be happy, but please cut out the drink. It will ruin your life. Maybe Gavin will be enough to make you happy and confident enough to get off it instead of being like me and driving you to drink more. I'll always love you. I never lied in the cards I wrote so any time you want to remember just read them. Good luck and have a happy life. XOXOXOXO

no offense, but that is the crappiest piece of begrudging, angsty rubbish ive seen in a while.
its obvious you want her to feel guilty about what has happened.

do you feel that she ought to feel bad about what has happened?
will this make you feel better?

will sending her this message and making her feel like crap, just because she moved on with her life and you stayed stuck in rut, make you feel better?

do you actually want to move on with your life, or do you just want to stay miserable, but ensure she is miserable too?

there are periods of mourning and unhappiness when things go wrong. you are apparently still in that stage. i would strongly suggest you dont send her anything like that at all. ever. all it is, is about getting some cheap shot back at her.

if you want to send her a message, think about what you want to say in it.

if its i never want to see you again, then you make sure that you never want to see her again. ever. otherwise, all you are doing is sending mixed messages.
what is she says 'ok, i wont ever see him again', and she doesnt? what if you then spend years of your life living in depression because she never calls, because you told her to bugger off?

think straight, and stop talking rubbish about sending stupid messages.

honestly. if youre big enough to own a house, youre big enough to act responsibly.

tinkerbell

I agree with WWM. Do not send her that message. It's an awful message, and it will come off as you are trying to make her miserable as well. It's not her problem, she has moved on with her life, so you shouldn't be trying to drag her down with you.

Sending that message would be a big mistake, it will do no good for her or for you. If you think that by making her feel guilty will make you feel better, well it won't.

Go get the help that you need, but don't try n drag your ex into it. At the end of the day, she has moved on with her life, and you need to move on with yours.

Good luck.

pickarooney

It's too many characters anyway.

Beruthiel

Hard Decisions wrote:

OK. This is hard for me but i'm going to get over you. I'm going to the doc today and i'm going to get some drugs to help cheer me up a bit. You don't know what this feeling is like cause you've always had me to call and we could get back. You've never called and had me say sorry i'm in love with someone else now. I've had that twice from you now. It feels like i'm stuck in limbo and even if I scream nobody can hear me. Let me know how your father's getting on but apart from that don't contact me. At least until you hear i've found someone else. That might take years but it took me years to find you so that's no different. Take care. Be happy, but please cut out the drink. It will ruin your life. Maybe Gavin will be enough to make you happy and confident enough to get off it instead of being like me and driving you to drink more. I'll always love you. I never lied in the cards I wrote so any time you want to remember just read them. Good luck and have a happy life. XOXOXOXO

why oh why would you send that to her?!
as wwm said, what do you think it will achieve exactly?
do you realise how you are coming across here?
At some point you have to make yourself understand that it’s over.
Move on with your life and stop wallowing in self pity, all that does is drive you mad and will keep you in the miserable rut you are in right now.
Leave the girl along and let her get on with things.
I suggest you quit having any contact with her from right this minute.
Do not send her that message, all you are doing is upsetting her, or is that your aim?
It's good you are going to see your doctor, you need to, stick at it.

nesf

I'm going to be blunt, so try not to take insult with what I am about to say to you.


As people have already said you are wallowing in self pity. You are feeling miserable and making no effort to feel anything else. You seem to feel like you are entitled to inflict that on your ex, it doesn't seem fair that she feels happy.

This is not a good thing.


In my sig there is a link to Aware (assuming you are in Ireland) and on the site you can find the closest Aware meeting to you along with the day and time it happens. Go along and see what depression is like for people that live their lives for years with it present in their lives.

As for the online tests....

Take the results with a pinch of salt mate. Don't just convince yourself that you have severe depression and that you need medication. Go to your GP and get reffered to a psychiatrist. Then start therapy. Get a psychiatrist to diagnose you, do not try to diagnose yourself using some online test.

The only thing those tests are there for is to get people to the doctor so that they can be diagnosed properly!! They do not indicate that someone has depression, especially severe depression which is actually very rare.


If you want me to be honest about it, you are just in a bad patch after a break up that you regret like a million other people in the world. You are railing on about medication and depression like you've been dealing with it all your life. Get over yourself. When I mentioned depression in my post what I didn't say was that I was diagnosed with it by a psychiatrist over 6 years before the break up. At the moment you are just looking for excuses to blame anything but yourself for the postion you are in.

"I'm not responsible for the way I feel, it must be depression's fault!!"

That line of thinking is why there is a ****ing stigma in this country with regard to depression. It's used as a scapegoat by so many people whenever something bad happens to them. They break up with a gf, they get "severely depressed for a month" and use that as an excuse for doing nothing for a month and staying at home feeling sorry for themselves. Even though severe depression (medically known as major depression if you want to read up on it) is a CHRONIC disorder which lasts for a lifetime and not something that appears whenever something bad happens. (Yes bad emotional experinces can be a trigger for an already present condition, but the problem isn't depression if the incidences are ONLY related to negative emotional experiences. Incidences of apparent depression whose only cause is a bad emotional experience is what everyone else calls being sad. It's just some people don't cope with being sad very well and need councilling.) That kind of bull**** gets those of us who actually have severe depression a hard time.

I don't doubt that you are upset, and that you need councilling. Just don't start bandying around terms like severe depression and medication when you haven't even seen the doctor yet. Yes you may have mild depression or be suffering a short depressive spell because of emotional trauma (read: after a breakup or bereavement). Mild depression does not need medication and can be treated using psychotherapy (this is VERY different to councilling).

I'm ranting so I'll stop.

The final thing I will say to you is that text is the work of a heartbroken 15 year old and not the work of an adult. I think your problem is that you haven't grown up emotionally and that you are still a child with regard to your emotions. Councilling can help this.


Oh and finally, severe depression IS NOT merely having poor concentration and being tired alot. Severe depression is not being able to concentrate enough to summon the will to get yourself food for 2 days. Severe depression is an emotional void where you cannot even cope with the smallest things. It took me 2 years to get to a ****ing doctor because I couldn't care enough about myself to even do such a small thing as walk over to my local GP. Other people had to bring me there.

Do not **** around talking about this test you did online that means you are severely depressed because of some minor issue like a broken heart.


I apologise for the rant, I tried to keep it as non-abusive as possible. But I have to read stuff like the above 24/7 on the depression forums, groups and collective blogs I am part of and do the equivilant of moderating for. 95% of people who post stuff like the above and who go to a doctor have nothing more wrong with them than a broken heart. His use of depression and medication as an attack on his ex is indication of his looking for something to be wrong with him that is her fault so that he can use it to make her feel miserable because he feels miserable. I am sorry for over reacting but as I said I have had to mod stuff like the above for years elsewhere online and it is not easy to deal with constantly. It has given me very little patience for heartsick angsty people with teenage mentalities who run around claiming to have what is a serious medical problem. A lot of the issues faced by people with depression in this country and abroad are because of people like the OP making mountain's out of molehills. The people with serious mental health issues cannot get help fast because of the waiting lists in this country. The waiting lists are filled with people who have little to nothing wrong with them and who only need a slap on the cheek to wake them up from their self obsessive need to feel sorry for themselves.

I apologise, but I've found that a sharp response explaining reality to these people is the best means of actually getting them to be realistic and help themselves. If you guys consider me out of line for what I've said above then feel free to reprimand me via PM or on here.

Kell

Actually scratch that last post. OP is definitely as :rolleyes: has pointed out lolling in self pity and he sounds remarkably like someone I know. At least they had the excuse of actually being clinically depressed.

K-

Oryx

Im afraid Im going to come off like some of the others. OP, being happy isnt deserved, it is earned. If you sit at home alone with your beer, happiness is not going to knock on the door. Let your ex and her bf go, that part of your life is over, its up to you to make a new life without them. Being sad and getting drunk is an excuse to not do anything about your life. You are good at putting your thoughts down on paper, make a list of small things you can change now, and do them.

In your original post it struck me how you said you cannot sell your house because you would lose your investment, and then you talk of suicide. I realise this was just a train of thought at the time, but if you have the mental capacity to care about your finances, I hope it means suicide is not something you would really consider. If you are getting suicidal thoughts please, please, phone/email talk to someone.
If the house is making you feel that bad put it on the market next week and get yourself out of the trap. You can always start again in a few years when your head is better able for it. Im sure if your dad is good enough to help you in the first place he is good enough to understand why you need to do this now.

nesf

Kell wrote:

Actually scratch that last post. OP is definitely as :rolleyes: has pointed out lolling in self pity and he sounds remarkably like someone I know. At least they had the excuse of actually being clinically depressed.

K-

I'd love to have seen your original post, I assume it was directed at me?

As for people with clinical depression, lolling in self pity isn't good for them either.

What the poster above describes is heart ache and an inablity to come to terms with his situation. Clinical Depression is noted as being in layman's terms melancholia which does not have a reason. For instance,

A person who is distraught after a bereavement and who is having a lot of trouble with dealing with it may exhibit signs and symptoms of depression but would not actually have depression. Depression symptoms are very similar to the symptoms of people who have suffered a major loss or emotional trauma. Depression can be a result of a major loss or emotional trauma, but that is not the point here.

For instance, in clinical diagnosis sheets, not the ones you see on general websites on the web, but the ones in medical books and hidden away on medical sites, clearly state that the first thing a practicioner needs to do after confirming a number of depressive symptoms is check to see if there has been any life event which may explain the person's symptoms. If there has been a major break up, bereavement, large financial loss or similar life event then the practicioner is NOT to diagnose depression, but to treat the patient as someone who needs councilling to help themselves get over this. This is of course not the case if said patient has been diagnosed in the past with depression by a medical professional, since depressive episodes may be triggered in a person by said life events if they already suffer from depression.

The key points to note are these. Through the OP's original post and his follow ups, he has repeatably reffered to major life changes in the recent past (ie last year). Now because of these changes and his obvious problems with dealing with them I recommended he see his GP and get councilling. However there is no reason to believe that he had depression, and there is no reason to believe he should be on medication. What he is going through might just be a reaction to a decision he now regrets making, and councilling or psychotherapy will aid him in recovering and getting back to health.

However his talk about having depression is moot, since because of his recent experiences he is more likely than not, not to suffer actual clinical depression.

Everybody gets sad. Everybody goes through what depression is like for some short while in their life. It is a natural reaction of the human mind to certain events, such as death.

However someone who suffers from clinical depression is trapped within these feelings and other symptoms start to kick in because the mind isn't meant to be like this for very long. You can argue that the effects are bio-chemical or psychological, it matters little, it is very hard to know these things. But what I can tell you is that normal human emotions to suffering a bereavement can be overwhelming for normal healthy people. It is not uncommon to see a normally strong and together person fall to pieces because someone close to them has died. This is nothing to be ashamed of nor is it something to be ignored. Councilling can and does help these people.

It is only after 2 or 3 months of councilling not working that such a person should consider the possibility of having depression. Depression as I said already is a chronic illness not an acute one. Most people I know with depression had no incident at the start of it. It just slowly came over them, until one day they found that they didn't have the energy to get out of bed even though it was 6 o clock in the evening and they had been in bed since 11pm the night before. I know of no one who suffers from major depression whose depression started because of a specific life event.

Your snide comparissons between the OP lolling in self pity due to a life event and somone lolling in self pity due to a mental illness shows just how little you actually know about the disorder. There are so many myths about depression that people take as sworn fact that it is not funny. Please research it and educate yourself.

nesf

For the OP. Here is a worthwhile and useful internet test for you to take with regard to depression.

http://www.depressioncenter.net/depressiontest/

It does not diagnose, what it does is list your symptoms in a clear and readable order, you can then print this out and give it to your GP to aid him in his diagnosis. As I've already said, your break up is the most likely cause of your mood problem, but it doesn't hurt to cover all the bases and supply all the possible information you can to your doctor.

I recommend complete honesty about your answers, your doctor will seek to confirm each symptom listed and a psychiatrist will be able to tell if you are lying. It is best off to just have the absolute truth on this result for your GP/psych. If your results worry you, don't be dismayed. I did this test first 2 years ago, and I was shocked by the symptoms it listed. They were a bit frightening. But it turned out that having a load of symptoms is not unusual, most people if they did the test would display a broad range of them. It's the critical mass of symptoms that is what the docs will look for.

Hope this helps

LegacyUser

You're right. They're the rants of a 15 year old after heart break.

I've decided to have no more contact with her. I guess i've been doing more harm than I ever thought then.

It was the wrong thing to think. The wrong thing to say.

I'll stop this now as obviously my lolling in self pity is my own problem and something I need to deal with.

I have by the way gone to see a doctor. I'm now on medication. Thankfully he was able to get to see me today.

I don't make light of depression. This isn't just a case of a bad breakup and I feel sorry for myself. This has been something i've struggled with for years. I have just never had the strength to go see someone about it. That is until the last couple of years. Councelling didn't help though as the feelings just kept coming back. I have been booked now for an appointment with someone in a months time and i'm going back into councelling again. I just hope that combined with what he's prescribed should help.

It's true from what I was going to send i'm not really emotionally mature enough for an adult relationship. I hope I can sort that out. It was mostly to do with my mixed feelings of being hurt, still wanting her, and wanting her to be happy. I can come over as being an asshole at times. It's not intentional. It mostly has to do with fragmented and incomplete thoughts.

The swing between thoughts of suicide and my financial situation, i've gone through the stage of self harm already. That was the last councelling session. The thoughts of suicide aren't always consistant. It can come at any stage, and it just happens. Same way I could just be sitting here and I could burst into tears for no apparent reason. This is one of my problems. I can't seem to keep a decent thought pattern for long enough.

When it comes to the level of concentration where you say you can't bring yourself to make food, until today I had not eaten in a couple of days. It has only been this time and a couple of other times. It is also not a consistant thing. It just happens. When I said concentration, I meant in most cases I can pick up a book and not be able to make out the words on it. I have difficulty getting to the bottom of the page and understanding what I have just read.

This is also going to be childish, which I hope the councelling can help, but i'm going to stop replying now. I've said what I need to. It's out there, and I do feel better for it. Some of the comments are hard for me to take though. Not your fault, it's mine. I just think for now I have to start thinking happy thoughts. Get her out of my mind, and get focused on getting myself sorted out. I didn't claim to be right. I didn't claim to know what I was doing. I don't. There is the problem with me. I am emotionally immature. I know this. I just didn't know the extent of it. I don't realise what I say sometimes.

I hope one day i'll grow up. Maybe life will be happier for me then.

Victor

Have you been able to get an appointment with a psycologist (talk doctor) and/or psychiatrist (pill doctor)?

Drop me a PM, in confidence, if you want.

nesf

I can concur with Victor's advice.

Now that you seem to be thinking rationally you should ask your GP to refer you to a psychiatrist. Make 100% you have no mental health condition. It is impossible for anyone but a psychiatrist to tell you this. Better off to find out and put your mind at ease. GP's prescribe drugs very quickly and sometimes when they are not needed. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be taking meds, just that I'd get a psychiatrists opinion on it. They are trained to deal with this, a GP has a general knowledge of mental illness but generally is not a specialist. If you had a bad back problem wouldn't you be reffered to a back specialist? It should be the same with your mind.

I apologise for my tone and my attitude earlier today. I have had a very bad day and your post touched a nerve with the references to depression. I was out of line, I should have just told you that it was more than likely not depression and to go get therapy.

My advice, for it's worth, is freely available to you if you need a listner.

Dreamcatcher

nesf wrote:

For the OP. Here is a worthwhile and useful internet test for you to take with regard to depression.

http://www.depressioncenter.net/depressiontest/

With all due respect, I think that this test is quite useless. It is more orientated towards people suffering from social anxiety than with depression - ok there may be some overlap between these two conditions, but on the whole, I feel that this "test" would not be overly helpful to the op, or anyone else for that matter..
Did you not earlier berate the op for not taking such online tests "with a pinch of salt"?
As you said earlier, the op would be better off asking his gp for a referral to a professional/councellor, rather than self-diagnosing via online tests such as the above.

nesf

Dreamcatcher wrote:

With all due respect, I think that this test is quite useless. It is more orientated towards people suffering from social anxiety than with depression - ok there may be some overlap between these two conditions, but on the whole, I feel that this "test" would not be overly helpful to the op, or anyone else for that matter..
Did you not earlier berate the op for not taking such online tests "with a pinch of salt"?
As you said earlier, the op would be better off asking his gp for a referral to a professional/councellor, rather than self-diagnosing via online tests such as the above.

The test is useful in that it will provide a list of symptoms for the doctor. It does not diagnose anything.

There is no self diagnosis involved. It lists out a set of symptoms that would be of relevance to the doctor. It can help the doctor make their diagnosis.

The test was looking for symptoms from multiple conditions.

As an aside there is a huge overlap between anxiety and depression.

To just start with, antidepressants are used to treat anxiety. I could list a long list of the links between the two but you obviously didn't read my post very closely since you seem to think that the test was a some form of diagnosis test. Which it isn't. It lists your apparent symptoms, nothing more.


May I ask your what your knowledge of this is?

Kell

nesf wrote:

I'd love to have seen your original post, I assume it was directed at me?

No. I edited my last post after I had read the full text of the OP's posts. Having met more than my fair share of actually depressed people vs those lolling in self pity I know the differences only too well.

K-

nesf

Kell wrote:

No. I edited my last post after I had read the full text of the OP's posts. Having met more than my fair share of actually depressed people vs those lolling in self pity I know the differences only too well.

K-

Sorry, was paranoid.

You know how it goes

Victor

nesf wrote:

For the OP. Here is a worthwhile and useful internet test for you to take with regard to depression.

http://www.depressioncenter.net/depressiontest/

Internet test have limited use in making a medical diagnosis.

Typical psychogical tests have 500+ questions and are administered in a controlled manner by a professional.

nesf

Victor wrote:

Internet test have limited use in making a medical diagnosis.

Typical psychogical tests have 500+ questions and are administered in a controlled manner by a professional.

I agree 100%.

Diagnosing a disorder requires some very complex techniques to be applied by a qualified and fully trained professional.

However presenting a list of symptoms to your doctor can aid them in deciding on what disorders may be present, and from this decide which to try and diagnose.

The first meeting with a psychiatrist generally consists of you listing out a long list of symptoms to them, and they questioning you in a very controlled and precise manner about the symptoms.

What I was saying was, that if he wants to do tests online, this one at least can serve some constructive purpose since it provides a list of apparent symptoms that you could give to a medical professional. At the very worst, the person lies on the test and the professional will spot this by their careful questioning and analysis.

My point was that while the majority of tests online are really worthless in that they attempt to diagnose somebody based on that person's answering of a multiple choice questionaire rather than from clinical interview.

However there do exist tests whose only purpose is to give the person something to occupy their mind with and give them the impression that they are contributing to their treatment. No medical professional would even consider diagnosing based on the results of said test. They would check for symptoms themself and confirm their presence or absense via interview.

In my opinion. The test is a harmless distraction for someone. But since the original poster was already doing tests, I felt that he might as well be doing ones that were not trying to diagnose anything. The main purpose of the above test was to get a person to a doctor, not diagnose anything. The whole idea in my mind, is that this:

Random Person X thinks they have some mental illness, but are ashamed or afraid to go to the doctor about it. Person does anonimous online test and is presented with a page to print out and bring to their doctor. This could be enough of a reason for them to get themselves to a doctor. Even if it isn't, the page really doesn't mean anything or diagnose anything. Only possible danger would be a person comparing their symptom list to a list for diagnosis. But to be honest, if a person does this, they probably read diagnosis information anyways, and try to self-diagnose everything from mental illness to lock-jaw.

The hard part of a lot of mental illness is getting the person to admit they need help and admit that should talk to their doctor about it. I would view that any test that ends with giving you a document for you to give your doctor is a good thing. If you are doing the test in the first place you probably think there is something wrong, seeing your GP will only confirm or deny this.

At least, as a test it advises people to go talk to their doctor! Most of the psycho-babble online doesn't. That's were the danger is.