Insecurity madness!

Seoige

I'm sure this topic has been discussed alot but wondering if anyone, epecially guys, has any fresh perspectives!!

Have been going out with boyfriend for a year and a half. Even though I know in my heart of hearts he'd never ever be unfaithful and he is the most amazing person ever to have graced this planet ...why do I still feel insecure when I hear about other girls? Even ones I know he'd never be interested in?

I get this sinking feeling in my stomach when I hear he's planning to head out with work people or without me because the idea of him being out and being hit on by, or flirting with (I know its harmless but still!!) other girls makes me feel sick .

He always makes sure to text me at some stage during the night and when he gets home, which I know lots of guys don't do on nights out!! And he always gets me to help him pick out what to wear and stuff!

(By the way in case anyone's wondering, I don't whinge and whine and ask him to take me with him aswell or ask him to stay in instead, believe me I KNOW how important it is to have seperate interests and friends outside of a relationship...so I kinda suffer in silence with the craaazy thoughts in my own head !!)

But anyway, I still can't rest easy til I know he's home!

Anyone feel the same ever? Any ideas on how to get over it? Cos I feel so guilty for feeling like this, I really do.

And guys do you actually have the same worries about your gorgeous girls out on the town without you? Cos my lovely man would NEVER admit to feeling the same and it kind of makes me sad that he doesn't seem to care!!

Thanks

ARGINITE

I found it was just a passing phaze and after a while I trusted the person and it didnt matter who they went for a night out with.

LadyJ

Seoige,I'm exactly the same as you on this one but I fear it is really our own problem. Could it be that you are projecting because you feel that when you go out without your bf that it is something he should be worried about? Perhaps it is yourself you don't trust,not him?

Rhyme

It seems that you're just worrying, let him have his nights out with his friends. Try not to think about what isnt happening, occupy yourself with the thought of the next time you'll se him or any other miscellaneous thoughts if you find yourself worrying.

tinkerbell

To be honest, this really is your problem rather than his.

If you can't trust your boyfriend to go out and have a laugh with his mates without you, then that doesn't say much.

My bf heads out with his mates, and I have never once gotten that niggly jealousy feeling. I trust him completely. It wouldn't bother me if girls tried to chat him up because I know he'd be having none of it

I think you just need to try and move those jealous thoughts and get it into your head that it's YOU he wants. He has been going out with you for 1.5 years after all. I mean, at the end of the day, if you're totally secure in your relationship, the thought of him heading out alone shouldn't bother you at all.

Maybe that's just me. I dunno

Seoige

I know all that though! Hence the title of the thread. I AM insecure, I'm just looking for help on actually moving those thoughts away. Btw I'm an ANGEL when I go out without him!! So don't think I'm projecting that onto the situation.

Of course I let him go out and have a laugh, he doesn't really know I feel like this. I don't think it'd be helpful if he did.

What I was wondering was has anyone else been in a similar situation and dealt with in successfully...I feel guilty enough already guys!!!!

tinkerbell

Hrmmm ... has he mentioned anything about those girls before, that he goes out with / work people?

Maybe bring it up casually in a conversation or something, if he says "oh god, those girls are so not appealing to the eye", then you'll definitely know you'll have nothing to worry about

Other than that, I don't know what to suggest - have you always felt this way? Maybe it's a phase and it will soon pass, and you'll be okay with the idea of him going out without ya.

Seoige

Sorry...that came across as a bit snappy, didn't mean it to . I just feel really bad about it, I hate feeling the way I do and if there was something I could do about it I would. I've been totally caught up in exams the past few months and haven't been able to hav a life basically...maybe I'm just envious of my boyfriend being out and about more than me? I don't really know. Anyway, thanks for all the advice

Larianne

Seems you have issuess about trust. If someone cheated on you before or friends let you down, its obviously gonna effect other relationships. I know how you feel. But you can't let it effect these new relationships. I think your best bet is to tell your boyfriend how you feel. Obviously not in a psycho/desparate way. Tell him about past problems and that its not nessacarily him. I'm sure he'll reassure you that he's faithful etc. And that might help it ease how you're feeling.

Seoige

Yeh I've met a few of them, they seem sound enough. I'm pretty sure they're not running after him!! My feelings are totally illogical and irrational, they aren't based on any incident in the past or anything. You'd think that by recognising my feelings etc that I'd be able to deal with them but doesn't seem to work that way!!

Dreamcatcher

Seoige wrote:

.... I've been totally caught up in exams the past few months and haven't been able to have a life basically...maybe I'm just envious of my boyfriend being out and about more than me? I don't really know. Anyway, thanks for all the advice

I think that what you said here is key.

I can understand at least bit where you're coming from, from what you've posted.

In my case, it's either that I've been preoccupied with working/studying, or been spending time alone(I actually need/must have at least an hour or two just being by myself every day, or else I gradually begin to crack up a bit!)......
or else during the week while he's out with his wide circle of (male) friends, and I wish that he'd suggest that I join him sometimes.

With me, it's sometimes just that he too frequently/too long spends time away from me.

I don't worry about him being friendly / harmlessly flirting with girls - he does that with check-out girls etc. even when I'm there and I'm very comfortable with it - reignites that wonderful feeling that this charming man is my bf.

tinkerbell

Seoige wrote:

I've been totally caught up in exams the past few months and haven't been able to hav a life basically...maybe I'm just envious of my boyfriend being out and about more than me?

Sorry girly, I was way off in my response! If ya had mentioned this originally in your first post, it would've all made sense

This is so the problem. I reckon you're just feeling a bit insecure because you've had to focus on exams n stuff, rather than being able to go out enjoy yourself. So while you're studying, he's out partying, or while you are resting from study, he's partying and you are too tired to party.

So I'd say it's not really the idea of other girls that's making ya insecure, tiz just that you haven't had much of a life (quote you) lately. If you're stuck in the books all the time, and ain't able to enjoy yourself, then you're gonna be feeling down.

So chin up, the exams will be over soon, and you'll be able to party all the time then with your boyfriend. Or even, you mightn't feel jealous anymore if your boyfriend goes out on his own - because at that stage, you won't feel under pressure / down because of study & exams, which can make any person secure

Duckjob

Seoige wrote:

Of course I let him go out

is this a pet dog you're discussing ?

TerrorFirmer

Well, I'm a guy, and I seem to be severely affected by the same problem!

ExOffender

tinkerbell wrote:

I reckon you're just feeling a bit insecure because you've had to focus on exams n stuff, rather than being able to go out enjoy yourself.

Non sequitir.

pickarooney

/me waits for TC to point out Daddy issues

What do you do while he's out on the lash? You need to work on anything that will improve your self-confidence, even if that's just concentrating more on your exams, knowing how great it'll feel once you get them over and done with and have more time to go out with your boyfriend.

WhiteWashMan

tinkerbell wrote:

To be honest, this really is your problem rather than his.

if its a problem for her, then its a problem for them both...

tinkerbell

I meant that it's her that's feeling insecure, not him - that's what I meant by that statement.

But yah, it is a problem for both of 'em if the feelings won't go away. But her boyfriend hasn't a clue that she's feeling this way, so he thinks that there is no problem.

Seoige

Maybe that is it, the exams, final year :eek: The more I think about it the more I think they're connected (exams and feelings) I feel bad that I can't go out with my friends, can't have a laugh or even take up a new interest or something because I have no time...but study is boring hence I'm frustrated.

You're so right Tinkerbell, I'm either studying, thinking about studying or too tired to do anything apart from flop in front of the tel in the evenings, which I know isn't the most exciting way to spend a few hours, especially for my boyfriend. I suppose when he does go out I'm left feeling tired, stressed and annoyed I can't be out having fun. This leads to me thinking too much...which is a bad thing!!...and the mild paranoia sets in.

Well I'll be finished up in a month or so...bring it on!! Maybe all this silliness will clear up then. I hope so because it drives me bonkers, I really don't think I'm like one of those really clingy girlfriends, its pretty recent...anyway, thanks for the advice xxx

0utshined

Seoige, when was the last time you went out? MAybe you just need to unwind a bit.

Muineach

on a more light hearted note i know this doesnt apply in this case but ..

I remember seeing an American company that you could hire to try and seduce your husband/boyfriend. You'd give them a picture and time/place where he'd be and they'd try their best on teh night, then the next day send you a whole report.
Then some women were telling their partners that they had hired them when they hadnt so any time they started chatting to a woman they were always wondering if they were hired to do thia and would report back, bit of a head f**k :rolleyes:

LadyJ

Muineach wrote:

on a more light hearted note i know this doesnt apply in this case but ..

I remember seeing an American company that you could hire to try and seduce your husband/boyfriend. You'd give them a picture and time/place where he'd be and they'd try their best on teh night, then the next day send you a whole report.
Then some women were telling their partners that they had hired them when they hadnt so any time they started chatting to a woman they were always wondering if they were hired to do thia and would report back, bit of a head f**k :rolleyes:

Ya do it to yourself,ya do,that's what really hurts... :rolleyes: