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I'm sorry.

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  • 26-04-2005 7:20pm
    #1
    reality
    Closed Accounts Posts: 90 ✭✭


    I'm sorry.

    Screaming at you
    With my eyes,
    But you don’t seem
    To realise,
    I am the thing
    That you despise.

    Feeding you
    Upon my lies.

    I’d take them back
    If I could.
    I can’t stop
    But know I should.

    I try to change
    But it’s no good

    - Leave me.
    If you knew, you would.

    I’m hurting you.
    Though you don’t see,
    It’s killing you,
    To be with me.
    I wish that I
    Could set you free.

    I think I need you
    Here with me.


Comments

  • Options
    #2
    shiv
    Closed Accounts Posts: 408 ✭✭shiv


    Impressive.
    Only thing I'd change is the last part, to set you free instead of let.
    Very effective.


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    #3
    reality
    Closed Accounts Posts: 90 ✭✭reality


    Thanks for the feedback!
    I thought about set, but used let as I thought it highlighted my control of the situation more. Don't you think that using let makes me seem more posessive?


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    #4
    |Referee|
    Closed Accounts Posts: 92 ✭✭|Referee|


    reality wrote:
    Thanks for the feedback!
    I thought about set, but used let as I thought it highlighted my control of the situation more. Don't you think that using let makes me seem more posessive?

    No set would indicate more control and sound better!


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    #5
    reality
    Closed Accounts Posts: 90 ✭✭reality


    :) i have bowed to greatness!


  • Options
    #6
    |Referee|
    Closed Accounts Posts: 92 ✭✭|Referee|


    reality wrote:
    I'm sorry.

    Screaming at you
    through my eyes,
    Why oh why don't you realise,
    It is I
    I am the thing
    _ you despise.

    As I feed you all these lies,
    I allow you to build up in hope of me
    Yet as we swap to and frow
    you soon start to loose all your ties
    but to your demise"


    - Leave me.
    If you knew, you would.

    I’m hurting you.
    Although you can't see,
    It’s killing you,
    To be with me.
    I'd die to let you be
    Just wishing I
    Could set you free.

    I'm sorry you had to know,
    i'm sorry I had to say
    but now that you know
    I need to too
    will you let me come back and grow?

    Any better?


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  • Options
    #7
    |Referee|
    Closed Accounts Posts: 92 ✭✭|Referee|


    Did you like any of that
    even these lines

    It is I
    I am the thing
    _ you despise.

    ????


  • Options
    #8
    ven0m
    Registered Users Posts: 1,828 ✭✭✭ven0m


    Very good - quite impressed!!!!!


    ::: ven0mous :::


  • Options
    #9
    |Referee|
    Closed Accounts Posts: 92 ✭✭|Referee|


    ven0m wrote:
    Very good - quite impressed!!!!!


    ::: ven0mous :::

    with what?


  • Options
    #10
    Carbon Peroxide
    Closed Accounts Posts: 14 ✭Carbon Peroxide


    I like that a lot, reality. You obviously put a lot of emotion into that. Keep up the good work! :)


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    #11
    funky penguin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,352 ✭✭✭funky penguin


    |Referee| wrote:
    Any better?
    Eh, there's constructive critisism and then there's border-line plagarism.....


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    #12
    reality
    Closed Accounts Posts: 90 ✭✭reality


    |Referee|
    Erm, thats not exactly/at all what I was trying to say!! You mullered my point.

    Ven0m
    Long time no post! Glad you liked it. How ya keepin?

    Carbon Peroxide
    Thank you :)

    funky penquin
    Wahey, you tell 'em!


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