I'm sorry.

reality

I'm sorry.

Screaming at you
With my eyes,
But you don’t seem
To realise,
I am the thing
That you despise.

Feeding you
Upon my lies.

I’d take them back
If I could.
I can’t stop
But know I should.

I try to change
But it’s no good

- Leave me.
If you knew, you would.

I’m hurting you.
Though you don’t see,
It’s killing you,
To be with me.
I wish that I
Could set you free.

I think I need you
Here with me.

shiv

Impressive.
Only thing I'd change is the last part, to set you free instead of let.
Very effective.

reality

Thanks for the feedback!
I thought about set, but used let as I thought it highlighted my control of the situation more. Don't you think that using let makes me seem more posessive?

|Referee|

reality wrote:

Thanks for the feedback!
I thought about set, but used let as I thought it highlighted my control of the situation more. Don't you think that using let makes me seem more posessive?

No set would indicate more control and sound better!

reality

i have bowed to greatness!

|Referee|

reality wrote:

I'm sorry.

Screaming at you
through my eyes,
Why oh why don't you realise,
It is I
I am the thing
_ you despise.

As I feed you all these lies,
I allow you to build up in hope of me
Yet as we swap to and frow
you soon start to loose all your ties
but to your demise"


- Leave me.
If you knew, you would.

I’m hurting you.
Although you can't see,
It’s killing you,
To be with me.
I'd die to let you be
Just wishing I
Could set you free.

I'm sorry you had to know,
i'm sorry I had to say
but now that you know
I need to too
will you let me come back and grow?

Any better?

|Referee|

Did you like any of that
even these lines

It is I
I am the thing
_ you despise.

????

ven0m

Very good - quite impressed!!!!!


::: ven0mous :::

|Referee|

ven0m wrote:

Very good - quite impressed!!!!!


::: ven0mous :::

with what?

Carbon Peroxide

I like that a lot, reality. You obviously put a lot of emotion into that. Keep up the good work!

funky penguin

|Referee| wrote:

Any better?

Eh, there's constructive critisism and then there's border-line plagarism.....

reality

|Referee|
Erm, thats not exactly/at all what I was trying to say!! You mullered my point.

Ven0m
Long time no post! Glad you liked it. How ya keepin?

Carbon Peroxide
Thank you

funky penquin
Wahey, you tell 'em!