How to get back on track after a bereavement.

LegacyUser

I recently lost someone very close to me, and I don't seem to be dealing with it very well. There's a void in my family; the person who once held it all together is gone, and we've been fighting nonstop. It's a "me against them" type scenario. I'm so busy being angry at my family that I haven't even begun to deal with the loss. So every so often, I find myself "realising" that they aren't coming back, and being quite shocked, funny as it sounds. It's really quite worrying. I have amazing skills in the field of denial, and I don't want this to go into the portfolio...

This is the side of death that you don't see in the pamphlets. Everyone expects a family to rally together and be each others' support, but in our case it's like a warzone. They're so different to me, and they're so sloppy and selfish and dirty that I find it difficult to live here.
I want to leave home to get away from my family, because the house just reminds me of how everything is wrong, and the constant state of stress/anger they put me in can't be good for my health, but the thought of it breaks my heart, because it'll be like the final nail in the coffin. I need to find a way to accept all of this, to come to terms with it and cement it in my mind so that I can stop denying it to myself. Also, the entire thing has thrown a wrench in my plans. I once had a plan of what I wanted in my life, and I knew what I needed to do with regards to college and such, but now I'm having a bit of a quarter-life crisis..

I am going for counselling soon enough, but I find it difficult to talk about my feelings to a complete stranger, so I've been putting it off for ages now.
I realise I don't have any specific questions here, but does anyone from a similar situation have any advice to offer? I'm new to this, and flying blind..

Hobart

Get the counselling sooner rather than later. It will amaze you. I went thru a very similar experience in the quite recent pats. I would consider myself quite a strong minded individual and quite private in my feelings znd life in general. Like you, I had the same misgivings about counselling. It was only when I was becoming physically ill, because of the stress and head wrecking situation, that my doctor told me that I had to do something about it. I am not a pill popper, so I decided to get the couiselling thing done. I went to it with the expectation of walking out within the hour with a kinda "I knew I was wasting my time" type attitude. But it helped greatly. I did 6/7 sessions in total, and while I will never over the loss, I can honestly say that it helped me to "get on2 with the rest of my life.

Do it now, and you will feel a lot better, I promise you.

Eclipse

I lost my brother over 3 years ago in an accident, and it was the worst time of my life. Like you didn't know how to deal with it. Thought about going to councelling but decided against, my sister and brother went but I dunno how much help it was too them. Personally, I reckon it's pretty normal to think your not dealing with it. Getting out of bed was bloody hard enough some days. I remember though at the time, I found coping/dealing with the other members of my family's grief was very difficult. I avoided going home a lot for the first 3/4 months. Like by not being around these grieving family members in the town where I am from somehow helped me feel like things were ok/ Dunno how much sense that might make to you. You do get through it though. Takes time unfortunatly. I noticed stages, like after 3 months, i thought I wasn't as upset(for want of better word) as I had been. Then after about a year, felt better than I thought I had at the 3 month stage. Funnily I felt worse during the 2nd Xmas than I had during the first one. But over 3 years on I can safely say I got through it, and it's not the first thing I think about when I wake up, it doesn't stop me from sleeping, I don't wake up crying anymore. I don't feel the awful guilt anymore that I had for ages after my brother died. The nights I'd be out, thinking I was doing OK but then it would hit me that here I was laughing and joking and drinking and my poor brother was dead. I did think for a time it would go on forever but it doesn't. My advise to you is be a little selfish, give yourself some space, do whatever gets you through it whilst not burning bridges with your family. I don't think anyone has that lovely harmonious, considerate family sceanario. I recall mine being at each others throats at times.

smileygal

Funerals and time around them can bring out some odd stuff, especially in families. Everybody has had different relationships witht the person who has died, & all have different reactions.
The most important thing is to look after yourself, even though you may feel exhausted, physically and mentally. It's tough going on the body and mind.
If there is a lot of conflict, try lessening confrontation possibilities by going for a walk/leave the house to go to cinema/friends/wherever, so you get a break physically and mentally.Fresh air bonus too.

Bamboozled

Deaths can bring about a re-assessment of what you want in your life so maybe those plans are not for you right now but maybe in the future. Sort your head and your heart out right now and plan for life in a little while. Once they're sorted out, everthing else will be a lot easier because if you dont, it would be like an uphill struggle trying to do everything and sort out your emotions. Dont put everything off, just the real "big" decisions. You still need to have something to aim for and need to have a routine (like going to school/college, meeting a friend on a certain night of the week every week, sports training, etc). Talk to someone - if you dont feel comfortable talking to a councellor, then talk to a close friend. Your family may have unresolved issues/never said what they wanted to say to the person that died and this can turn into irritability and anger towards those that are in the vicinity. The smallest thing can turn into an arguement, yet it may not be the arguement they want to have at all. Let them deal with theirs, for now though you need to deal with yours.

Take time outside the house with others. Dont have your family as your most regular company. Give each other a little space, and take some space for you.

I have a sheet with a poem/story/quite a few words that helped me deal with upheavel in my world. My father, best friend, sister, godfather all died within 18 months of each other and it helped a lot to keep this thing on me and read it a lot. It helped me come to terms with them "not returning". I'll root it out if you'd like it and send it to you.

Take each day as it comes. Deal with one thing at a time. Little steps rather than large ones.

If you feel you cant talk, you could always email the samaritans - its often easier to type and say what you really mean, rather than speak it to someone.