man in the box.

Dbones

Man in the Box

Looking in the mirror, I know that I can do anything I put my mind’s eye to. I am a very stubborn person, when I set goals I have the patience to achieve them no matter what the cost. I have proven myself that when I attaempt a goal I get it done. It may take me a little while longer than most people because of my learning disabilities but I have learned to adapt. I have dealt with a lot harder things in my life than dealing with attending university I know this. I spent most of my childhood in the children’s aid system, and not in foster care. because of behavioral difficulties I was placed in group homes. I had an abusive biological father who I will never ever call dad. I spent most of my formative years in substandard segregated school situations. I feel that the reason I dropped out in the one year of normal high school was because I was not able to handle the pressures of being normal. In both care and when I left care there was so much stuff happening in my life that school was just another pressure that I could not handle.

I have never used my learning disabilities as a crutch like I have seen some people do. I succeed in spite of them, but sometimes it’s hard. I still have trouble reading and my writing skills have improved and I fancy myself a poet or a writer as I know from friends and family that I have the talent to do something with my writing skills. Appartley I have a way with words. I have severe problems with math and structuring concepts. I think a lot of it has to do with my upbringing and that I did not get much formal education within the system, I was passed thru grades so that I would be the same age as everyone else when I left the system. I think that did more damage than good. I do not belive my actual learning disabilities were diagnosed until 1997 when I returned to fanshawe college for two years of upgrading. School is a struggle for me I will not deny that. I struggle with deadlines and knowing everything in my classes.

Sometimes I feel I am not as smart as the other classmates because I have trouble grasping certain concepts and ideas. I get very angry with myself over simple things I should understand. I have completed college with a child and youth worker degree, I have survived the streets of Toronto with my sanity, why am I having so much trouble with university. Have I reached my academic peak? This question weighs heavily on my mind.

When working on even simple things like this scholarship application or studying I tend to get huge headaches because of using big words or reading them. I usually use coping strategies like doing something different for a while like studying or drawing to distract my mind till the headache goes away.
My reading disabilities annoy me the most because I like reading but sometimes it is very hard for me to read for extended periods. I feel no one else understands the things I see because it’s so hard for to explain my problems academicly. I have gotten help at the college level and the university level with some of my disabilities but I am a very independent person I do not want assistance in doing something I can do by myself.

I often feel like a man in a box and there is no way out. My learning disabilities feel like a prison and there is no way out. i have things I want to say and it’s very hard to express them because sometimes they come out wrong or I talk too much. Sometimes I think it would be much easier to quit school and get a job and quit persueing my goals, but that would be admitting I’m a failure but unlike my biological father I am not a failure. I am still an angry young man with goals to persue and dreams to achieve. I am a person that goes back to people I knew as a child and shows them that they were wrong. I have so much left to do in this world and so much left to learn. It’s funny because of all the things I have done in my life, learning seems to be the biggest struggle. Some classes and exams seem like brick walls that I cannot run away from. I know in my heart if I failed at least I have done my best.

MojoMaker

Liking this, a lot...

shiv

Very brave, straightforward writing. It takes guts to be this personal. Well done (from a fellow canuck!)

Dbones

thanks folks.