Going through a break-up. Advice?

Dreamcatcher

So, it's decided. After the straw that broke camels back, we've been living apart for 2 weeks and are meeting up at the weekend to apparantly discuss practical stuff about the house, bills, the landlord etc.

I would like to keep this meeting as reasonably focused as possible and relevant to the issue of us each moving on(after sharing a house for 3 years).
This break-up is going to be difficult for us both. And I don't want this "meeting" to deviate into him trying to guilt-trip me/dump his feelings on me, either because he expects us to continue together(because of his pride or whatever), or to make me feel like utter crap/attempt to bring out the worst in me in order to help him to deal better with the break-up.
I can see this happening for one reason or the other, and I don't want that.
I want us to both take responsibility for our own actions etc and move on and grow as individuals.(What is keeping me going is that maybe we could meet up after a few months and very gradually be friends again....maybe, maybe not).

My basic question is this: What can I do to refocus the discussion, if/when he starts going off on a tangent, trying to draw me out and saying you did this/you are like this or whatever. It's way too late to argue the details of who did what to who ad infinitum. We've been there, done that and it's unproductive.

What can I say if he starts trying to guilt me etc that will turn the discussion around so that we can focus on the future?
Btw, it's not as though I haven't a clue how to react myself, but would just like to hear some other people's suggestions as to what they would do in a similar situation.

Thanks for any advice.

Esel

Not from personal experience, but the following options springs to mind.

Go to a professional mediator. A mediator is like a referee, to keep things fair and on track - not to be confused with a counsellor who might be focussed on facilitating reconciliation. It sounds like you have enough issues to sort out that it would be worth your while getting a professional for this.

If you don't want/can't get a professional mediator, agree on a disinterested third party who you both trust and respect enough to act in this role. Think long and hard about who you ask, then hope they agree to help you.

If you don't want a mediator, and just want a two-person meeting, consider drafting a set of basic rules and an agenda, and get agreement on these before you start.

If meeting face-to-face is not working out or escalating into shouting/stressful situations etc., consider corresponding on paper about the issues instead, either posted or hand delivered. I don't think e-mail would be as suitable, as it would be too easy to flame etc. Bear in mind the dangers of writing anything actionable (i.e. slander / admissions etc). Keep a copy of what you send.

You should consult a solicitor for advice as to how to proceed - not saying use solicitors for the process, but they should be able to put you on the right track or refer you to mediation service/whatever. However, it may be the case that using solicitors might be something you have to consider seriously.

Good luck.

Souperfreak

A professional mediator is a great idea! That is the best way.

But firstly, I would meet him or her out somewhere so there can't be a big scene (rest. or coffee shop). Then if they start deviating say 'Listen, I don't want to get into XXXX, getting into XXXX is not going to change our decision so let's leave it where it belongs, in the past.'

If they protest and get crappy (stay calm) and say 'Obviously this is too fresh still, let's leave it for now and we can talk tomorrow about a day to meet try this meeting again.'

I would do a max of 2 meetings like the above and then go to a mediator. But beware you have to choose all your words carefully and stay relaxed. Don't get offended by any row starters that they say ( i know that is tough believe me I know).

GOOD LUCK!

Kell

Souperfreak wrote:

A professional mediator is a great idea! That is the best way.

Really? For a relationship break up? For fúcks sake, what are you people on?

How to guide conversations back onto topic is to state clearly and confidently "erm, we have gone a bit OT there. We were initially talking about the cats litter, not how I never cleaned the jaxx"

Communication, thats how you steer things. Also, if he tries to guilt trip you Dreamie, use the psychological SOS method. Step back, Observe, Strategise. You sound a tad uncomfortable about this meeting so do the above and you'll be fine. When he goes OT, listen to him ramble, spend a minute deciding how you feel about it, but dont say anything until you have decided how to put it across. Works a treat for sticky situations. Means you retain complete control over the discussion to.

Professional mediator? Why in the world cant people just fúcking talk to eachother? Sheez.

K-