The most painful time of my life is now

Soap

Hey

I'm posting this I think in some ways to force myself to write it down and try to get a grasp of my situation. I'm a 22 year old male and moved out of my parents house 4 years ago. Last week my mother told me that she was going to leave my father (btw it took 15mins of crying before i could finish that last sentence).

A bit of background I guess to put things into perspective. My parents met when my mother was 18 and my father 20 (as of next feb they would have been 32 years married). They married quickly and came from working class family's. 5 years into the marriage I was born. After my birth my parents tried very hard to have another child. 7 miscarriages and 1 still-born baby later they threw in the towel.

My father suffers from depression and is a gentle loving kind caring man. However due to his depression has problems communicating sometimes and being realisitic. Both of my parents worked very hard (my father to crazy proportions) and became what I guess middle class people deem "comfortable".

After becoming frustrated in his job he started two companies whiched failed terribly and which lead to them selling a woundefull house that had 15 years invested (not just money but also heart soul blood sweat and tears). During the sale of the house my mother wanted guarnteed on paper that they would not be investing lots of money and that it would be left for them when they retire so they defo have something (neither have pensions). My father went bought another business and made similar mistakes.

That brings you pretty much up to date. my mother says she is emotionally drained and wants stability and basically cant take anymore (she has been of this view for at least a year but this was the straw to break the camels back). My father is in shock and is so upset its unreal.

There is something sobering to see your father as fragile and shaking as a leaf on the verge of tears trying to explain how he doesnt understand it and is so sad. My mother wrote in her diary "the day i got my life back" I think that sums up her feelings.

Oh and to top it off my best friend of many years was admited to a pysiactric hospital for treatment of achololism and depression during the same week.

Thanks for reading I dont think there is anything anyone can say to me at the moment to help me put things into perspective I guess I was just writing all that to get it out of my system.

Soap

nesf

It's good to get it out of your system sometimes.

I can't really say much to you mate except to extend my sympathies and offer an ear for any rants you have.

One aside I will say though is when one of your parents have depression it can be very hard growing up. My mother had pretty severe depression since her 20's so I've never known here another way. I moved out of home 6 years ago, and to be honest one of the driving forces was because it was so hard to live with someone with depression. Now I have depression and have been in and out of treatment for years, so I know what it is like for my mother, but sometimes it can be very difficult to keep it together when someone just isn't in touch with reality.

It's not going to be easy, but take care of yourself mate. Be wary though. Depression runs in families and an incident like this could trigger one in you. Keep a close eye on yourself and if you are feeling very low you know there's always people on here you can talk to.

LegacyUser

From what you say - your parents sound to me like 2 wonderful hardworking people. Your father had some bad luck with his businesses. I guess he was only trying to do his best in life. I am just wondering - if your father's businesses had been successful (the other side of the coin, if you like), would it have made a difference to your parents relationship ? That is, would your mother still be considering leaving ? 32 years is a long time to be together. I hope they can maybe work things out.

peckerhead

Ditto, Soap. It's especially tough on you if you're the only child. This may sound harsh/easier to say than to do, but - keep some bit of distance. Most of all, don't move back into the family home if they split up and (presumably) your ma keeps the house...

They say 'you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family' and - if indeed they end up going their separate ways - you can't afford to take sides in this thing (doesn't sound like you particularly want to, anyway..?)

You've got to live with/love them both equally (but perhaps in different ways) and it sounds like both of them have had a hard time (?) and can't but be damaged by the experience. Best way for you to help both of them (and yourself) is to stay strong yourself - and that means exercising your right to be happy and not to have your head done in, and that means leading your own life...

Post again and - more importantly - talk face-to-face with other people about this. Don't bottle it up/make it 'your' problem...

G'luck, hope it gets better/easier... Remind yourself (every day) that it's not your fault.

Oryx

I cant offer advice, really, I just wanted to say take care of yourself first, and keep yourself well, so that you will be able to cope with the situation and help those around you. Your love for your parents shines through your post, and they are really lucky they have you. *hug*

Dinxminx

Can't say anything only my thoughts are with you. I really hope something goes right for you soon...

xXx

goin'_to_the_PS

something good has to happen soon

Souperfreak

peckerhead wrote:

- keep some bit of distance.

ABSOLUTELY!!!! First of all my most sincere apologies for your situation. Secondly good for you for getting it out. Thirdly the above comment is vital. There is no way you will be any good to yourself or your parents if you get too close to one or the other parent so keep your distance.

Before you see one of them remind yourself that it isn't about you. They aren't trying to hurt you. Then remind yourself that they need to be heard by anyone and understood/loved and accepted by you their only child. (I know it is a lot to take on). Try to adopt an whatever you two need to do I understand attitude (that will help your sanity as well).


Lastly, find a friend you can talk to about your parents and vent vent vent. We will listen as well. GET IT ALL OFF YOUR CHEST each time you talk to one of them. Remember they love you (it is kind of like all the years you sought their approval now they will be seeking yours because they don't have each other anymore).

NOW about the friend in the psych clinic, I have been there...my best friend from childhood throughout our teenage years went in and out of depression and a couple of times was admitted into the psych ward. So my sympathies are with you.

Visit your friend as often as possible (if they want you to) again listen to them as much as possible. And whatever you do try not to be judgemental toward them (not saying you are, just trading advice). Actively listen to them, if you don't have advice or anything to say then ask them questions about what the facility is like, what a day is like in there? Remind your friend that you are there for them and if they need anything to call, you want to help.

And if you need to talk I have been there so fire away.