What To Do During a Snake Attack

LoLth

The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its
volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you
are attacked by an anaconda. Now an anaconda is the largest snake in the
world. It is a relative of the boa constrictor, it grows to thirty-five
feet in length and weighs between three and four hundred pounds at the
maximum. This is what the manual said:

1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster
than you are.

2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your
legs tight against one another.

3. Tuck your chin in.

4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.

5. Do not panic.

6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the
feet and - always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet
and ankles. Do not panic!

7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie
perfectly still. This will take a long time.

8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement
as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into
the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg,
then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.

9. Be sure you have your knife.

10. Be sure your knife is sharp.

LoLth

Why Men Can't Win

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your
butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

damo

uhhhhhhhh.......the anaconda thing......scary

Shiminay

I thought you were supposed to duck and cover...

---

All the best,

Dav
@B^)
homepage.tinet.ie/~davitt

WhiteWashMan

thats sex dav!

Shiminay

So I discovered.

That whole Duck and Cover thing works wonders in the most unlikely of situations...

Here come's a big meteor...

/me ducks and covers

---

All the best,

Dav
@B^)
homepage.tinet.ie/~davitt

SpAcEd OuT

bump

intresting read

Hobbes

Stop bumping old threads.

spiderlegs

The thing about the snake is icky..that's one of my fears. That someone would slit the sides of my mouth, can you imagine the agony? *shudders*

WizZard

7 years old. Seven years.
Stop it.

Shabadu

My child is only a third of the age of this thread.

Binomate

I am faster than a bloody snake. It's only a big worm ffs! I think I'd rather not climb in side a snake.

Dooom

Reticulated Python's actually the largest snake. In terms of length anyway.

Ah christ, this brings back memory of that god-awful Anaconda film with J.Lo and Ice Cube.
Many deaths followed the watching of that film.

senordingdong

I almost wish I had an Anaconda to test this with.

TerrorFirmer

I was in 6th class when this thread was created.

Just thought I'd throw that out there....

Ozzy

Expecting to see a bloated anaconda on the front page of the Herald tomorrow, and partially excreted senordingdong.

Tar.Aldarion

ha, that gave me a good chuckle!
btw has anybody ever done that, tell me your tall tales.

Rhyme

I didnt even have the internet when this thread was created...

Anyway, everyone knows the best thing to do with a snake attack is to kick it in the head... :rolleyes:

Now, a snack attack is something completely different.

weemcd

jump on the cúnts head. he isnt gonna eat anyone then.

Bard

Ozzy wrote:

partially excreted senordingdong.

Saying those words out loud has made me laugh. Out loud.

ST*

Binomate wrote:

I am faster than a bloody snake. It's only a big worm ffs! I think I'd rather not climb in side a snake.

Aren't you the right little hard man. you don't cry, and you'd successfully get a girl to give a bit of oral entertainment to a bar man when you haven't got the funds for a few beers... I'd say you eat Kelloggs Razor Blades every morning.

weemcd wrote:

jump on the cúnts head. he isnt gonna eat anyone then.

Funny thought, but he'd probably have digested you up to your roundy lads by the time you thought of that

Dooom

Shock_treatment wrote:

Aren't you the right little hard man. you don't cry, and you'd successfully get a girl to give a bit of oral entertainment to a bar man when you haven't got the funds for a few beers... I'd say you eat Kelloggs Razor Blades every morning.


Funny thought, but he'd probably have digested you up to your roundy lads by the time you thought of that

You do realise you're not funny, right?

Binomate

Shock_treatment wrote:

Aren't you the right little hard man. you don't cry, and you'd successfully get a girl to give a bit of oral entertainment to a bar man when you haven't got the funds for a few beers... I'd say you eat Kelloggs Razor Blades every morning.


Funny thought, but he'd probably have digested you up to your roundy lads by the time you thought of that

I eat a whole box of weetabix every single morning. It enables me to take on anything and anyone. I do cry. I cry laughing at those less fortunate than me.

turbot

There is a new film due out this summer called

"Snake On a Plane"

It's destined to be a classic.

smashey

I suppose 'sticking the head in it' would be a bad idea.:D

ST*

senordingdong wrote:

I almost wish I had an Anaconda to test this with.

I'd pay big moneyto see you try

Spike wrote:

..

Watch me cry.

boardy

There is only one problem with the US Government's advice on what to do when attacked by an anaconda:

What happens if the snake hasn't read the manual and starts to swallow you from the head first?

me and the biz

Interesting, a valid point. Although thats assuming the snake speaks English. I mean it is South American after all.

Binomate

boardy wrote:

There is only one problem with the US Government's advice on what to do when attacked by an anaconda:

What happens if the snake hasn't read the manual and starts to swallow you from the head first?

Then you headbut its' tonsils.

Shabadu

boardy wrote:

There is only one problem with the US Government's advice on what to do when attacked by an anaconda:

What happens if the snake hasn't read the manual and starts to swallow you from the head first?

You simply wait till it has swallowed past your shoulders, then leap to your feet, and run headlong into the nearest tree. Repeat until snake is dead.

Bard

Yeah, because you'll be able to see "the nearest tree"

boardy

Shabadu wrote:

You simply wait till it has swallowed past your shoulders, then leap to your feet, and run headlong into the nearest tree. Repeat until snake is dead.

Now that's just plain silly. If there was a tree around then the victim would have climbed it on seeing the snake, as everyone knows that anacondas don't like trees (because of their irrational fear of heights).

connundrum

This is why they encourage people to travel through the Sounth American jungle in pairs, you and you significant other maybe. Snake attacks, you push him/her in the way.. and you're safe!

*I would never do this to my significant other. Please don't hit me

joe_chicken

Kill it... Kill it with a big stick

The thread that is... *badum*

Shabadu

Bard wrote:

Yeah, because you'll be able to see "the nearest tree"

Look- you're in the jungle- how hard could it be to find a tree?

Ozzy

Shabadu wrote:

Look- you're in the jungle- how hard could it be to find a tree?

With a huge Anaconda eating your head, very hard I reckon! (ohhh kinky!)

IceHawk

Shabadu wrote:

Look- you're in the jungle- how hard could it be to find a tree?

That's all very well and good, until you step into a crocodile. Then what do you do? Crocodile has your feet, Anaconda has your head.

Binomate

IceHawk wrote:

That's all very well and good, until you step into a crocodile. Then what do you do? Crocodile has your feet, Anaconda has your head.

You let the Croc swallow you whole. The snake will digested first because it's on the outside. Then you climb out when ever the Crocodile burps. Simple.

Rhyme

IceHawk wrote:

That's all very well and good, until you step into a crocodile. Then what do you do? Crocodile has your feet, Anaconda has your head.

You call a time-out and let them settle their differences.

boardy

IceHawk wrote:

That's all very well and good, until you step into a crocodile. Then what do you do? Crocodile has your feet, Anaconda has your head.

That's when the gorilla comes on the scene. He's just after kicking the sh!te out of the polar bar, and since he is feeling all tough and macho ……… decides to tackle your gobbley friends. The rest of the story is obvious.

faceman

i have a big snake

Cuddlesworth

I just cant see this happening, any hot-blooded male would have started crying like a baby by the time the snake got to his crotch.

LoLth

holy sh**! I completely forgot I posted this. Ive been around too long

wonder if my badger one is around anywhere......