Sex Life Has Vanished

LegacyUser

Hi,
Sex with my wife is virtualy non existent.We make love maybe once a month if im lucky.I have talked to her about it and she says that sex does nt bother her now. We are married 2 years ,both work, no kids . We used to have sex everyday but now it has nearly vanished.
She has never refused me when i initiate it but it is hard to initiate when she is clearly not pushed.Im not a sex maniac or anything but it is an opportunity to get intimate with my wife and a bit more sex is all i ask.
Im thinking about asking her to come with me to a sex therapist but i dont think she would agree.(she thinks everything is ok)

Any advice??

The Corinthian

ssssssssssssss wrote:

Im thinking about asking her to come with me to a sex therapist but i dont think she would agree.(she thinks everything is ok)

It’s not OK of you and if at least one of you does not think it’s OK then it isn’t. You need to tell her this. Simple as that.



(Seriously, once a month? I’m single and I do it more often than that).

Sleepy

Therapy is definitely the way to go. It simply isn't normal human behaviour to just "go off" sex.

GuanYin

Its common enough problem. Some people find it difficult to keep a sex life alight amongst the stress of adult responsibility. Kids, work stress, family stress, financial stress etc are usually the culprits.

That said, there is definitely a reason for it. Talk it through with your wife and see if she can honestly see a reason for it, there may be something she isn't saying or maybe its on your side, there's something you're not doing for her that you used to or something you're taking for granted.

If you get no joy from that, I'd suggest sex therapy, which can be quite fun (I dated a sex therapist once) and many people find the prospect of going a turn on in itself (the joys of a repressed Irish society).

dudara

As The Corinthian said, one of you is not happy with this situation, therefore you cannot leave it. I'm not saying that you'll be unfaithful, but sex helps hold a relationship together, as much as frindship and support does.

Definitely go see a counsellor or therapist. But only after you've talked to her. If you've only been married two years, and you already feel this way, imagine how bad it will be in a few years time if you leave this unattended to.

Peace

The Corinthian wrote:

(Seriously, once a month? I’m single and I do it more often than that).

I don't think with your hand qualifies.

Kell

ssssssssssssss wrote:

I have talked to her about it and she says that sex does nt bother her now.

I think you need to convince her that she has let her life overtake her sex life and that it is hurting you. Unless she is happy hurting you (which she shouldnt be) then it might turn her round.

ssssssssssssss wrote:

She has never refused me when i initiate it but it is hard to initiate when she is clearly not pushed.Im not a sex maniac or anything but it is an opportunity to get intimate with my wife and a bit more sex is all i ask.

Hard to initiate it is your problem. Why not initiate it all the time every day for the next two weeks and everywhere you go? In the jax in a pub, on a bench in the park, over the sink at home- use your imagination and also try and think of something that is going really really turn her on so she will want to come back for more.

Once a month is bad though. Jeebus, even when I am in the midst of aggro with a partner its still usually about four times a week. Start with the life having taken its toll on sex life angle. Hopefully it will work out.

K-

The Corinthian

Peace wrote:

I don't think with your hand qualifies.

And indeed it doesn't.

BEAT

well there could be other things going on here that you may not have considered.
Perhaps sex is not pleasurable for her anymore, is there something you could do to please her that you are not? have you asked her this?
do it.
Is it possible she is having an affair? Dont get paranoid or anything, I just wonder how she is getting her rocks off because women dont just go off sex. We have the same urges you do.

Is she on any medications? a side affect to a lot of meds is low sex drive
is she depressed? this will affect your sex drive.
She is your wife, sit down and talk to her about all of this.
Um, dont bring up the affair thing unless you have reason to believe its true, that will get you no sex at all

Discuss it with her, more than likley sex has become boring for her, find a way to make it exciting again.

Communication is the key to all your relationship problems people.

ravenhead

This might not be as bad as you think, sometimes we go off of sex for a while. It might be that she's feeling run down or has she changed her pill ( if she's on it) That can happen sometimes. You should try talking to her again.. is it going on long? She might just be a little over whelmed by married life, especially if ye didn't live together before you got married & maybe it's just coming to a head now & she might not even be aware of it.
I know it's hard when you feel that you're partner doesn't seem to be as in to you as before but I really think it's something that you should try not to get too upset over yet, just try talking to her again & like you were saying maybe talking to someone outside of your relationship might give you a few idea's about how to put the spark back ... chin up & best of luck.

peckerhead

Peace wrote:

I don't think with your hand qualifies.

No, but (to paraphrase the old Tom Waits line), at least you're always available!

Seriously, 'though - I'd agree with ravenhead's comments. Sexual desire in women is as much a mind as a body thing (and even in men, honest!). Is anything pissing her off/worrying her lately? Could she be feeling a bit taken for granted (rightly or wrongly)? Try a bit of 'romance' - and I don't mean necessarily whisking her off to the Casbah. Just come home early some day and have a nice dinner ready when she comes in from work. Bunch of flowers, doesn't have to cost much. Soft music, low lights (ideally candlelight), pay her a load of compliments, take things nice and slow...

Oh, and plenty of cuddling and 'pillow talk' afterwards. They f***ing hate it when we just roll over and start snoring... :rolleyes:

Saruman

Lol Its the opposite way around here! My wife wants sex more than i do. Im not anti sex, i love it! It just seems we both want it when the other does not.. as in i want it in the morning when she is trying to sleep and she wants it pretty much any time but mroe so at night when i want to read before i go to bed or something.
In our case we have no "problem" as we both want it.. it just gets hard to find the right time as one of us is usually tired.. that said... we both wanted it last night and had it

In your case you DO have a problem as she does not want it at all!! Maybe she does not find you as attractive as she used to? Or maybe you go about it all wrong? Forget about "trying" to have sex!! Just try something else.. bring her up to bed where you have candles and essence oils going. simply kiss her and tell her how much you love her and then slowly touch her. Dont TRY to have sex.. just remind her how much she loves you and wants you!

By the way remember something.. if she is on the pill it kills sex drive in some people.

iguana

Saruman wrote:

Forget about "trying" to have sex!! Just try something else.. bring her up to bed where you have candles and essence oils going. simply kiss her and tell her how much you love her and then slowly touch her. Dont TRY to have sex.. just remind her how much she loves you and wants you!

How much do you kiss now? Not quick hello/goodbye kisses, but long, lingering, barely coming up for air kisses. I'm sure it is far less than you used to. In most relationships kissing is the 1st thing to go. In a new relationship couples normally tend to kiss all the time. When they meet, during ad breaks, first thing in the morning (despite the morning breath), when they say goodbye. And kissing turns you on. As you get more used to each other you kiss less so it is hardly surprising that the sex drive dies down.

Concentrate on kissing, kiss her whenever you get the chance and take time over it. Try not to initiate sex, if she does then take her lead, but don't pressure her. Try that for a few weeks, it may take a little while but hopefully it will re-awaken her sex drive.

Saruman wrote:

By the way remember something.. if she is on the pill it kills sex drive in some people.

Do investigate that. I was on Femodene a few years ago and it completely killed my sex drive. I had been on it a couple of years before that and I was fine, but the last time I was on it it effected me really badly. So even if your wife is on a pill that was fine with her in the past it may be having a negative impact on her now.

LegacyUser

My advice would be:

1. Ask her if she is stressed about anything. Stress and being worried can put her (and even men) off sex.

2. Ask her if she is finding sex painful.

3. It is known that if a person does not have sex often (i mean in a relationship) then the "want" to have sex goes away. Basically the more you have it, the more you want it. The less you have it the less you want it. So she will not initiate anything - not in a "cant be bothered way" but in a "ah shur I dont feel like it now, love" way.

4. Does she feel attractive about herself?

5. Most women like to be kissed and cuddled (a lot). Head rub/foot massage etc can be as exciting for a woman as sex. Remember, most woman find sex more like "work" and something to statisfy their partner. Most women do not "cum" everytime they have sex, men most usually do. Therefore maybe she is seeing sex as a chore. why should she do it when she doesnt "cum". Now, no insult to you there Sir, this probably even isnt your fault. No disrespect to your skills in the bedroom but ask her if this might be a problem also.

Personally I would sit her down (sit in the sitting room, relax, TV off, computer off, no distractions etc), have a bottle of wine, vodka, what ever you/she drinks, and have a good talk to her. Not a "what is wrong with our sex life" conversation but a "you know what I find sexy ........." then ask her what she thinks.

She might open up to you.

Dinxminx

Yeah, the Pill thing could be a major factor, but also sometimes a girl's gotta feel wanted and loved and sexy before she really wants it... Why dont you take her shopping for something sexy (not cheap lingerie, be a little more subtle) and do the whole wine-and-dine thing before taking her to bed. And remember, LOADS of compliments!!!

Peace

Loss of sex drive when on the pill was a problem for a mate of mine, his missus went right off the sex deal for ages.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies,
Thing is she used to drink , but not a drop of alcohol passes her lips now.This would make her horny and as a result lots of loving !!!!! Not anymore. last time we had sex this is what happened:
(In the middle of some pillow talk)
Her "Why are you talking so much tonight,maybe its because you want sex?"
Me"Yes,do you?"
Her "o.k" (very unconvincingly)
I reasure her that i dont want to have sex with her unless she wants it also.
I ask her ways i can please her but she says whether she has an orgasm or not it does nt bother her.
By the way she is nt on the pill i use condoms. We used to give each other oral sex but that does nt even happen now because she says that it is nt healthy.To sum it all up ,I dont think she enjoys sex at the moment and i have tried talking to her about it but im getting nowhere.
She s not having an affair (thought of that one myself)
To be honest i can see why some men have affairs im getting very frustrated.

Beruthiel

ssssssssssssss wrote:

To be honest i can see why some men have affairs im getting very frustrated.

it's time to be totally honest with her and tell her how you feel

WizZard

ssssssssssssss wrote:

Thing is she used to drink , but not a drop of alcohol passes her lips now.

Why is this? Could this be something that worries her, and therefore lessens her sex-drive?

We used to give each other oral sex but that does nt even happen now because she says that it is nt healthy.

Where did she get this idea from?

To be honest i can see why some men have affairs im getting very frustrated.

Beruthiel is right, time to sit down and talk, now, before it's too late.

StandnDeliver

Maybe she needs passion!when ppl go out at the start its all new and fun and passionate so maybe u need to treat her be exciting get her blood moving so to speek,nothing worse than routine bring her out suprise her with a holiday sweep her off her feet it will work and she will be falling into the bed with you.

Sleepy

Judging from your last post, there's something very wrong with your relationship at the moment.

Do you not normally talk to your wife much? The phrasing of "Why are you talking so much tonight,maybe its because you want sex?" would indicate that either you don't normally talk to her much or she really doesn't give a fcuk about you any more...

Sit down and talk to her about this. If your marriage is worth anything to either of you, you definitely need to see a therapist.

Victor

ssssssssssssss wrote:

Her "Why are you talking so much tonight,maybe its because you want sex?"
Me"Yes,do you?"
Her "o.k" (very unconvincingly)

Whoa! Wrong answer.

The trick is to gradually up the amount of talking at bed time, not only will it disarm the above reaction, but you might learn about each other.

Kell

ssssssssssssss wrote:

To sum it all up ,I dont think she enjoys sex at the moment and i have tried talking to her about it but im getting nowhere.

Dump her so. You have only been together two years, no kids etc. Have a rational think about it and really decide whether or not you feel that she is going to keep you happy, yet I think you know the answer to that one. The parameters of you relationship have changed and you have no control over them and your wife doesnt seem to want to do anything about the situation even though your obviously upset about it.

Think about it- this is causing you stress, lots of it. I gather from one of your earlier posts that maybe previous sexual encounters might have been led by alchohal, in which case it just aint healthy. Stress in your life = bad news. Find the source and remove it. You have already stated that you have tried to talk to her about it and its got you no-where.

Good luck.

K-

Seraphina

ssssssssssssss wrote:

Her "Why are you talking so much tonight,maybe its because you want sex?"
Me"Yes,do you?"
Her "o.k" (very unconvincingly)

well you clearly dont pay her any attention unless you want sex. you might wanna change this attitude, she can probably spot your ulterior motives way off. dont just be all cuddly and romantic when you want sex, its a great way for her to just feel like she's being used.

WhiteWashMan

Victor wrote:

Whoa! Wrong answer.

The trick is to gradually up the amount of talking at bed time, not only will it disarm the above reaction, but you might learn about each other.

its like the blind leading the blind....