Relationship Problems

LegacyUser

I am a regular enough poster, but unreg for this one.... I know this is not a physcological analaysis forum and no one here is a qualifed expert in the field (Or well maybe, you never know) but I have seen some great advice here on boards, and would appreicate any feedback.

I used to be going out with this girl for a very long time, and it would be fair enough to say that I was very much in love with her. However, it was always a very patchy relationship, and although I did love her company and we got on very well when together in person, she said some very nasty things about previous relationships and other men when in her moods.

Before this, a relationship for me was all about the current. But after this one, things just changed. I have a new girlfriend now, we have been going out a long time, and I have very strong feelings for her. She is great, everything I could possibly ask for in a girl and more. I spend most of my free time thinking about her, and she has never done anything to upset me, rather, she does everything she can to ensure that I'm happy in our relationship.

Except, my last relationship has somehow changed me. After the things my last GF said to me, I am very different. I no longer am of the thinking that the current relationship is all that matters. I find myself spending more and more time thinking about here other old boyfriends, wondering if she liked them more then me or how they compare. I convince myself that I'm not good enough. Whenver I even think about other guys she used to like I get this horrible, depressed feeling that lingers for hours.

I get jealous whenver I see her even standing beside other guys, or even looking at them. Sometimes it gets to the point were I actually get angry and in turn get angry at her and treat her likes she's done something wrong, whereas she has actually done nothing whatsoever. N aturally these mood swings confuse her, but as great as she is, she doesn't say much and chooses to ignore them.

I would like to point out that I consider myself a good boyfriend, I treat her great normally, and I do everything I can to show her how much she means to me. I have never insulted her, or even dreamt of doing anything bad to her in any way.

Recently, I even got jealous when she said a child she babysits for is so cute. She says some moviestar is so handsome and I practically get enraged in a mixture of jealously and anger.

I dont want to feel like this and I'm afraid it will lead to something even worse in the future. I don't know what to do about it and its driving me mad, and as well as that its totally unfair on my GF, which is my primary concern. Another thing is that I didn't use to be like this at all.

Thanks for listening, anyone who read it. I would love to hear some advice.

Kimbot

As far as I am aware this(to a slight extent) is normal in a relationship. At the end of the day she is now with you and you are all that she cares about, forget about anything that has gone on in the past and try and build a future for you and her together if that is actually what you want to do. Just relax and take things easy, If you feel like getting angry just walk calmly out of the room and take deep breaths. It will blow over then.

tinkerbell

Getting extremely angry at her over her saying the kid she babysits for is "so cute" and getting vexed when she says e.g. Brad Pitt is hot is not okay. You need to sort out your jealousy issues. She has done nothing wrong, and is being very understanding of your mood swings.

bonzai bob

You have to tell her about your problem, i'm also a very jealous bf so i do know how you feel and i can only imagine what your ex said to you, but if you tell your current gf then she will put your mind at ease..

Tinkerbell, you are right it isn't ok, but it's really hard to not be jealous, and for the record, we all know brad pitt is hot, but you DON'T need to tell us:)

LegacyUser

Getting extremely angry at her over her saying the kid she babysits for is "so cute" and getting vexed when she says e.g. Brad Pitt is hot is not okay. You need to sort out your jealousy issues. She has done nothing wrong, and is being very understanding of your mood swings.

If you had read my post you would understand that I am looking for help with what can only be called a problem - and that my primary concern is my girlfriends feelings.

I did not request someone to just tell me its "not okay", something I already flippin know well for myself.

As for the other posts, thanks....any constructive advice is greatly apprecaited.

seamus

bonzai bob wrote:

Tinkerbell, you are right it isn't ok, but it's really hard to not be jealous, and for the record, we all know brad pitt is hot, but you DON'T need to tell us:)

That's exactly it.

Tell her to save the "OMG he's so gorgeous" talk for her friends. Whenever my gf starts off with that talk, I either interrupt her with "I don't care, why are you telling me this", or making a similar remark about the next hot girl that comes on the TV. She gets the message.

In reality you need to get it into your head that people can find other people attractive, without exception. You think certain girls are hot, equally she'll think that certain guys are hot. That doesn't mean that she's just using you as a crutch till they come along though.

You sound like you're stuck in your previous relationship. Somehow you need closure on that, you need to forget about the what if's and did she's and buts and try and write her off and move on.

WhiteWashMan

jonny24ie wrote:

As far as I am aware this(to a slight extent) is normal in a relationship. .

not in any relationship ive ever been in its not.

i am aware that jealousy in a relationship is hard to deal with, and there are no rational reasons for it, but i just cant understand why p[eople get so bothered.
i man, if my partner tells me that theres a hot bloke over the road, do i think she is going to go and screw him?
maybe she is recieving secret signals and will call him later when im asleep.

but lets face it, the biggest reason for being jealous is because you are insecure. you just have to find out why you are insecure, and fix them.

BaZmO*

WhiteWashMan wrote:

but lets face it, the biggest reason for being jealous is because you are insecure. you just have to find out why you are insecure, and fix them.

Exactly.
I never really got the jealousy thing either. And in all fairness, if you find yourself getting jealous of an out of reach Hollywood star or the cuteness of a small kid you really need to have a long look inside yourself as this is certainly not normal. Unless of course, the little kid has a better job and a better car than you, and in that case you're right to feel jealous!

When you said..

she said some very nasty things about previous relationships and other men when in her moods.

...are you saying that she said nasty things about these guys, making you think that your current girlfriend could say the same about you? Or did she say things about previous bf's comparing them to you, with you coming off the worst?

Either way you need to stop dwelling on the past. What's done is done and you need to move on.

B.

Floopy

I'm coming from the point of view of a girl who is going out with someone who thinks and acts just like you in fact your post was alarmingly similar, he also gets quite jealous and thinks way too much about my exes and how he compares. Anyway be assured if you both get on as well as you do and all is rosy then stop worrying, believe me my exes rarely pop into my head and anyway remember shes not going out with them any more for a reason ie. something went wrong or they let her down, theyre no longer her prime concern : YOU are. You need to knock this on the head as theres 100 times more chance of your jealousy causing problems than her doing the dirt or causing you pain. Also whenever she remarks that some movie star etc is gorgeous dont let it get to you, we say that without even thinking, its not as if these people are accessible. Bottom line is when something triggers the jealousy, take a moment, deep breath,acknowledge that its not rational, then let it go, believe me from someone who knows its the jealousy that'll split you up not another man.

WhiteWashMan

yeah, theres probably a reason why she is going out with the OP, and not still going out with her ex's.

i mean, if they were that fúcking brilliant, why are they not together?

arbeitsscheuer

WhiteWashMan wrote:

i mean, if they were that fúcking brilliant, why are they not together?

I may not like a lot of what WWM says, but that is the bottom line.

She isn't with her ex's, she's with you, OP. Any time your jealous or paranoid, just say that to yourself. "She's with me. Not them. ME."

Pretty soon you'll wonder what the f*ck you were so bothered about...

Seoige

I'm another girl in a similar enough situation, its nice to see some guys admitting to being jealous cos mine won't admit to it at all! He has a funny dislike for a lad he knows who fancies me tho...funny that! Do you reckon most guys get a little jealous even if they won't admit it?

I do get a little jealous, when girls are flirting with him if we're out and stuff, but it is mostly my insecurities.

When you're on your own, try to picture a situation like the ones you descibed. Picture how you feel, you'll probably start to feel really jealous even though its just in your head!! but keep thinking about it, see how your reacting, try and take deep breaths and stuff! I find that if I do that a few times I begin to become desensitised to it all when I'm in the situation for real. Sounds wierd but works!! Also, try and head out with your own friends without her to kinda build up your own self esteen, organise soccer with them and stuff...maybe you do that anyway? Bring along friends when you're out in a group so you've always someone to chat to and to distract you from thinking crazy thoughts while she's chatting to people!!

If at all possible limit your outbursts to boards like this, or friends if you can, so that you're not putting unfair pressure on her.

Hope this helps, good luck

LegacyUser

Hi,
From reading your thread it looks as though you were hurt very badly in your past relationship and are afraid of getting hurt again.Its like your looking for excuses to get angry with yourself. You are a lucky man to have found yourself a new girl you should try and focus more on your current relatonship and stop living in the past.