Brother Is Feeling Rejected

Motley Crue

Ive posted a bit here before about me, but this post isnt about me, its about something far more serious, its about my brother and his apparent rejection of life itself.

You see, my parents have gone away for the past week and i have been left to mind my 16 year old brother (i'm 20) and just to make sure everything goes well, you know, make sure the house doesnt burn down. Anywaiz, ive found that without my parents in the house he's telling me a lot of things i would otherwise never have known. Im at work or college and when I get home, he is there, and because my parents are not there (I should point out I fight a lot with my mother) I tend to speak with him until midnight before we both go to bed.

In any case, the problem is that hes been telling me some things recently that disturb me. Quite simply, hes not happy with his life and is very bitter and feels rejected a great deal. Im not really worried that hes sucidal, but i think that if the problem is not treated now, it could lead to that. He seems unhappy with the quality of life in general and he doesnt seem to be able to tell people this because my parents are always arguing with me and that seems to be something that restricts him from making his feelings known in the house. As depressed as he might be, he still wants to keep the peace to a minimum. Please, anyone who can help, please tell me what I should do to help him with this in some way? Should i tell my parents when they come home?

Thanks

snappieT

First off, he's 16. Most 16 year olds go through a phase like that. I did.

Secondly, my friend also ended up in that situation. He went to a couple of councilling sessions, and decided that a temporary change of school would do the trick. He was moved from my CBS to a fee paying school for one week, hated it, realised that he had things so good as they were, and moved on with his life, not feeling as though he was on an eternal low.

crazy angel

doesnt everyone go through the whole 'you go to skool, you work, you die, whats the point' kinda thing at least once in their life??

Boston

You shouldn't tell your parents. He thrusts, you and by the sounds of it your the only one he can talk to. If he's confronted about this it will only make him feel worse. Your parents might guilt him for feel this way.

crazy angel

Yea boston is right dont tell your parents! is he like this all the time??

Boston

Also the hole "it's a phase all young males go through" thing, while it's may be somewhat true, there is also a shockingly high rate of teen suicides amoung males in ireland. You say he keeps it quiet because he wants to keep the peace, and you arguing with your mother all the time doesn't help. Maybe it's time you but aside your feelings towards your mother for your brothers sake, as he seems to have for both you and her.

If thats not possible, maybe try and get him out of that situation as much as possible. Go away with him ect. Often know theres someone there who understands is enough. By the sounds of it you know what his family life is like. You choose to deal with it by fighting back and releasing your feelings, he choose to repress his, and as a result is depressed.

Gracie_05

Motley Crue wrote:

Ive posted a bit here before about me, but this post isnt about me, its about something far more serious, its about my brother and his apparent rejection of life itself.

You see, my parents have gone away for the past week and i have been left to mind my 16 year old brother (i'm 20) and just to make sure everything goes well, you know, make sure the house doesnt burn down. Anywaiz, ive found that without my parents in the house he's telling me a lot of things i would otherwise never have known. Im at work or college and when I get home, he is there, and because my parents are not there (I should point out I fight a lot with my mother) I tend to speak with him until midnight before we both go to bed.

In any case, the problem is that hes been telling me some things recently that disturb me. Quite simply, hes not happy with his life and is very bitter and feels rejected a great deal. Im not really worried that hes sucidal, but i think that if the problem is not treated now, it could lead to that. He seems unhappy with the quality of life in general and he doesnt seem to be able to tell people this because my parents are always arguing with me and that seems to be something that restricts him from making his feelings known in the house. As depressed as he might be, he still wants to keep the peace to a minimum. Please, anyone who can help, please tell me what I should do to help him with this in some way?
Should i tell my parents when they come home?

Probably best not to say it to your parents, if
a) you don't get on with them
b) he has confided in you
To help the situation, I think you should befriend him more and be there for him to open up to. If I was in his shoes, at 16 and very down(been there), it would be a great help to have an older sibling(I didn't have) to talk things over with, and I would've gone mental if that trust was betrayed by you telling the parents. I should add though that it would also depend on how close he is to your parents and how your parents would react. Would they sort of panic(and he would just know you'd said something), or would they take a more low-key approach and gradually/subtley deal with his depression(which a lot of teens go through). Or maybe he is hoping that you will say something to them..? Maybe ask him this?

Also it's likely to help the situation if you could somehow end the bickering/arguments between you and your parents for everyones sake.
You could say that you have something to tell them, choose a moment, sit them down and begin by saying something along the lines of "I'm tired of all the argueing that's been going on, let's just call a truce. I'm an adult now, and I have to live my life/make my own mistakes(whatever), and I appreciate that you are both there for me if ever I need any advice", or something like that.
I really think that it's up to you to propose this "truce", because when people get older, they can often get set in their ways, become stubborn.
And they may be pleasantly surprised that you didn't have the "sit down" with them to spark yet another argument. But if happens that they attempt to argue back with you at the time, then just walk away and leave them with time for what you said to sink in.
I think that if you change your behaviour, they will probably change theirs. And furthermore, this will be setting a good example to your brother, who is full of teenage angst and depression.
Oh, and the fact that he is talking at all to you about how he's feeling seems to me like a good sign, especially considering that he's a young male. I think you should encourage him to approach/contact you when he wants to talk, but also endeavour the make the talking more "light-hearted" when appropriate. And reciprocate his openness with you by opening up to him about your own life/thoughts, so that he'll know that it's normal and natural to feel like sh*t now and again, and especially around that age. And it might also be an idea to go out and do some activities together that he would enjoy.

Hope this helps.

Bazz

From a personal point of view I would advise you to be there for your brother and to offer advice and most of all show an interest in him and let him know he can talk to you about his problems. Let him know he has someone to confide in and assure him he can trust you and you wouldn't tell your parents or anybody else.

Squirrel

Talk to him about it, when I felt really depressed I talked to my friends because I wasn't sure if I could trust my brothers enough, don't betray that trust whatever you do

athena 2000

Motley Crue wrote:

He seems unhappy with the quality of life in general and he doesnt seem to be able to tell people this because my parents are always arguing with me and that seems to be something that restricts him from making his feelings known in the house. As depressed as he might be, he still wants to keep the peace to a minimum. Please, anyone who can help, please tell me what I should do to help him with this in some way? Should i tell my parents when they come home?

I think it's great you're talking to your brother and he's confiding in you. I don't think it's time to tell your parents anything just yet. I think you can understand he doesn't want to stir up more strife in the house because you've got the corner on expressing yourself openly in the family dynamic you've described (along with your mother). Living in the middle of fighting among family members is upsetting and doesn't create a positive atmosphere for anyone. Put yourself in his place and look at the family situation if you can for a moment. Too much drama is exactly that - too much.

Being a supportive friend to your brother and letting him know you care about him can only be good. Gracie_05 had some excellent suggestions for you. If he doesn't seem to improve then you will need to talk to your parents.

Victor

Its good that your brother can talk, perhaps keep it up when your parents are back. While yes you need to keep your brother's confidence, one of you should be able to eventually be able to discuss things openly and unemotionally with your parents. Small things at first, but gently, gently, catchy monkey?

Does your brother have friends? Girlfriend? Are they "integrated" into the family?

Is there someone in school that your brother can talk to? A trusted teacher or counsellor?

Gracie_05 wrote:

You could say that you have something to tell them, choose a moment, sit them down and begin by saying something along the lines of "I'm tired of all the argueing that's been going on, let's just call a truce. I'm an adult now, and I have to live my life/make my own mistakes(whatever), and I appreciate that you are both there for me if ever I need any advice", or something like that.

It was explained to me as "parents need to accepts their children are (young) adults and the children need to accept their parents are parents".

BobTheBeat

It wouldnt do any harm to spend more time with him tbh.Put aside the hassles with your mam and just concentrate on the positive side of your family.Put aside some time for him, and maybe go out and do something he's interested in.It certainly wont cure the problem,but if your bro warms to the fact that somebody is actually interested in him,he will realise that life isnt as grey and cloudy as he thinks it is.
I would avoid the issue with your parents also.It would probably destroy the trust between you and him. Brave it out for another while, and engage him on his own level. If things start to go further downhill, then and only then, bring somebody else in on the picture

Uthur

I went through a horrible time when I was in school at 17. Luckily I was
able to get hold of a counsellor or I might not be here to talk about it.

Ask him if he would be willing to see one.

If not, at least make sure YOU are there for him when he needs to talk.

If he goes for it, ask him if you can all sit down with one of your parents
and make arrangements. Do not take this problem lightly and make
sure your parents take it seriously too - if they just tell him he'll get
over it or that he should just grow up they will seriously HARM him.

Believe me, it is VERY hard to reach out and ask for help at that
age - make sure you help him to get it if he wants it.