two timer???

snowflake

Hi everyone,
this is my first time ever posting on boards but i am a regular reader. now that i have actually signed up hopefully i will be able to contribute a bit more. the reason i am posting today is that i have a problem that i would love to hear your views on. well its not a problem as such - more of a hunch really.

you see i have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and i love him very much. we get on really well and he is also a very good friend to me. okay here goes... the prob is well i dont really trust him. he has never given me a reason to doubt him. it just a feeling i have about him.

by the way im no spring chicken.... im 29 years old so i have had other long term relationships before where i trusted the guy completely. that is why i dont think this is just me being paranoid. it just with my current guy i really feel he has a roving guy. hes is always texting girls. now these girls are his friends and nothing more but i just feel that if i wasnt around these girls would be next in line. i know that he does love me but i feel that he has a few back ups in mind if you know what i mean.
he is a friendly person but i just feel that there is a deeper level to him. i have seen him flirting with other girls but i dont think he is even concious of this. however this has toned down a bit cos i said it to him that it was not appropriate.

what would you do if you didnt trust your boyf??
he has given me no reason not to trust him but i just KNOW that some day he will two time me. incidently his friends have two timed their girlfriends (well not all of them but a few) and my boyf thinks that if she doesnt find out then no harm done. by the way i would think im crazy or something only that i have had other boyfs and never felt like this which leads me to believe that i feel like this because of him.

sorry if this is a bit all over the place. i would love to hear any views at all on this. thanks for reading this anyway!

moridin

snowflake wrote:

Hi everyone,
what would you do if you didnt trust your boyf??

Without trust, you'll never have a proper relationship. I'd suggest speaking to him and explaining how you feel, though it might annoy him since you don't actually know anything has happened with anyone else.

If you can't talk to him about it, then should you really be dating him?

Stark

To be honest I think you should trust your gut instincts. I always find my gut instincts are rarely wrong even when I don't have any "rational" evidence to support them. You should get this issue solved immediately. You also need to go in there with a firm resolution to getting it solved or dissolving the relationship. If you go in there afraid to lose him, you'll probably end up having him walk all over you and making you out to be in the wrong. Remember if you don't have your feelings reassured now, they'll explode on you at a later point.

Gaz

Is he also in his late 20's ? Maybe he is having trouble letting go of the idea of being young and available, never chatting up a girl again , never expieriencing the chase , so to speak.

Talk to him and let him know your fears , if after awhile there is still no trust i think you should cut your losses and move on.

Beruthiel

snowflake wrote:

what would you do if you didnt trust your boyf??

no point being with someone you don't trust, life is too short and there's plenty more fish in the sea

incidently his friends have two timed their girlfriends (well not all of them but a few) and my boyf thinks that if she doesnt find out then no harm done

well, if he thinks that with regards to his friends, he most likely thinks the same thing with regards to himself
personally, I would call him up on that comment in order to find out what exactly he means by it, though it seems pretty clear cut to me

Altheus

Hire a Private Investigator and set up an elaborate trap..........





I'm game.

Zulu

Altheus wrote:

Hire a Private Investigator and set up an elaborate trap..........





I'm game.

Absolutly brilliant. Best post I've read in ages. Take a bow Altheus.

kittenkiller

What do your friends think of him?
Personally, if i've whenever i've hooked up with an unsavoury character & haven't been able to see past him, my friends've been there to tell me if they're getting a funny vibe off him or not & they've just about always been right (whether i've chosen to listen or not is another issue!).
Usually your mates can get a good or bad feeling about someone that someone they care about is getting involved with.

That said, the fact that he's toned down his behaviour since you let him know it was bugging you is a very good sign.

Perhaps it was an off the cuff comment he made when you 1st hooked up that's lodged in your head putting the mistrust there.

If you can find a way of discussing the situation with him without having him take offense, do so.


Ps. My paranoid distrusting side says, ever considered a 'honey trap'?

Beruthiel

Altheus
another comment like that one and I'm banning you
zulu
you know better

back on topic please
B

Blub2k4

kittenkiller wrote:

Ps. My paranoid distrusting side says, ever considered a 'honey trap'?

Most men like "honey" this is unfair and tbh if you are considering sh*t like that all is already lost, imagine he caught you at it, should he ever trust you again or tell you "f0ck off you conniving b*tch" ?

BaZmO*

You say you don't trust him but he's given you no reason not to trust him. Kinda confusing that.

Also these female friends that he texts, has he known them long or are these just recent aquaintances?

incidently his friends have two timed their girlfriends (well not all of them but a few) and my boyf thinks that if she doesnt find out then no harm done

This is the only thing I'd be concerned about. Although a certain percentage of my friends have cheated on their girlfriends and while I think it is wrong I'm of the same opinion as your boyfriend. And just for the record I've never cheated on any of my girlfriends as it's something I don't particulary agree with.

At the end of the day, you know your boyfriend the best and quite often gut feelings are correct.

B.

Zulu

Beruthiel wrote:

Altheus
another comment like that one and I'm banning you
zulu
you know better

back on topic please
B

Ahhh B, come on - credit where it's due.

Anyhow - back OT:
If you don't have trust, all you've got is anguish, and who needs that?

About his comment - it's true. No one gets hurt, if no one finds out. I've said that for years, but I don't do the dirt. Having an opinion is one thing, you shouldn't get bogged down on it.

It's a hard call, but if you can't get over it and trust him, you need to break up.

kittenkiller

Blub2k4 wrote:

Most men like "honey" this is unfair and tbh if you are considering sh*t like that all is already lost, imagine he caught you at it, should he ever trust you again or tell you "f0ck off you conniving b*tch" ?

Hence the Ps. part & mention of the words paranoid & distrusting!

I advised talking to him before even mentioning it.

tinkerbell

If you don't trust your other half, then it's never gonna work.

Altheus

Actually Beruthial it's a semi-sarcastic comment, based on a previous topic of a similiar nature where the idea of a Private Investigator was entertained.

Even the OP would get the joke, if not, I apologise.

Back to the OP, instincts often pick up on other peoples thoughts I find. While he may not have cheated, he may have though about it, so the only way to find out is communicate. He might need his boundary, they are healthy in committed relationships, especially where one party is insecure. Talk to him and tell him where you feel uncomfortable, and why. Then negotiate, dont accuse, dont argue, just talk it through. He'll either completely understand or ....

LegacyUser

A person that I was dating seems very similar to the OPs partner - he did not once cheat on me through some fairly tough times. However, in the end when he went through a very tough time personally he did cheat. I do not think that he would have cheated otherwise so we are trying to rebuild the relationship. In the end you have to go with your gut instinct but just because he has female friends does not mean that he will ever go astray.

snowflake

wow thanks very much for all the comments to this. i was afraid people would not take me seriously seeing as i dont have any hard evidence. anway to answer a few of your questions. (by the way im not too sure how to answer the question by quoting what another poster has asked, im only getting the hang of this computer business :eek: !!

his age is 29 like me. i was also asked if these friends are long term acquantinces (spelling??) well yes they are but he seems to have say a romantic history with two of them though nothing serious.
i dont know what to do. i would hate to lose him for no reason but my gut insticnt tells me im right. hopefully im wrong though

What do your friends think of him?

my freinds think that he is great but i seem to see the negative whereas they dont

snowflake

kittenkiller wrote:

Ps. My paranoid distrusting side says, ever considered a 'honey trap'?

wha is the honey trap??

BaZmO*

It sounds like you need to have a chat with him and tell him how you feel. It's not as if you're two teenagers going out with someone for the first time. If handled correctly I'm sure you'll be able to discuss your feelings together in a mature manner without getting into the blame game.

I'm sure you don't need anybody to tell you this but a relationship is pointless without trust and it's something you really eed to get a handle on.

Good luck with it anyway.

B.

P.S. At the bottom of each person's post there's a quote button. Click it when you want to reply to someone with a quote!!

Trojan

Entrapment.

Getting a female friend to come on strong to him to see if he takes the bait or not.

Probably a bad idea.

Lemming

kittenkiller wrote:

Ps. My paranoid distrusting side says, ever considered a 'honey trap'?

And if he's innocent? What about feelings of guilt over not only mistrusting him, but trying to carry out a "sting" on him?

More signifcantly, what if he's innocent AND finds out. Bye bye relationship in, I would imagine, a very ugly way.

Lemming

snowflake wrote:

okay here goes... the prob is well i dont really trust him. he has never given me a reason to doubt him. it just a feeling i have about him.

<snip>

what would you do if you didnt trust your boyf??
he has given me no reason not to trust him but i just KNOW that some day he will two time me.

Well, there's the problem. You would appear to be so busy trying to watch for the sign, ANY sign of anything even remotely suggesting infidelity. In the meantime the rest of your relationship is running away under your nose.

Self-fulfilling prophesy.

You will find someway to convince yourself someday that he is, whether he is or not anyway. As quoted above, you've already convinced yourself that he is going to based on no tangible grounds other than paranoia.

It would appear that he's "Guilty until proven innocent"

WhiteWashMan

snowflake wrote:

Hi everyone,
this is my first time ever posting on boards but i am a regular reader. now that i have actually signed up hopefully i will be able to contribute a bit more. the reason i am posting today is that i have a problem that i would love to hear your views on. well its not a problem as such - more of a hunch really.

you see i have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and i love him very much. we get on really well and he is also a very good friend to me. okay here goes... the prob is well i dont really trust him. he has never given me a reason to doubt him. it just a feeling i have about him.

by the way im no spring chicken.... im 29 years old so i have had other long term relationships before where i trusted the guy completely. that is why i dont think this is just me being paranoid. it just with my current guy i really feel he has a roving guy. hes is always texting girls. now these girls are his friends and nothing more but i just feel that if i wasnt around these girls would be next in line. i know that he does love me but i feel that he has a few back ups in mind if you know what i mean.
he is a friendly person but i just feel that there is a deeper level to him. i have seen him flirting with other girls but i dont think he is even concious of this. however this has toned down a bit cos i said it to him that it was not appropriate.

what would you do if you didnt trust your boyf??
he has given me no reason not to trust him but i just KNOW that some day he will two time me. incidently his friends have two timed their girlfriends (well not all of them but a few) and my boyf thinks that if she doesnt find out then no harm done. by the way i would think im crazy or something only that i have had other boyfs and never felt like this which leads me to believe that i feel like this because of him.

sorry if this is a bit all over the place. i would love to hear any views at all on this. thanks for reading this anyway!

sorry, but there has to be some reason why you dont trust him.
either he has done something, or you are paranoid.
if he has done something, then what is it.

if he hasnt, then what is your problem?

Kell

I suggest that Snowflake has a large paranoia problem and a lack of self esteem if she wanders around doubting her boyfriend the whole time. Strikes me that he has never given her cause to be concerned and up until such a time that he does I would recommend that she not worry about it.

And if there comes a time he lashes the box off one of his female friends against some skip in a laneway, then she will just have to get over it and think "what a b*stard" and come back and tell me I was wrong about him. Then she may potentially post here again wondering how she is going to rebuild her lost trust in men and seek counsellors telephone numbers.

As for entrapment / honeypotting- farcical. Why set someone you "love" up for a potential fall. If they found out it was a trap you'd have some time trying to dig yourself out of that hole.

K-

4Xcut

its posible for her not to be paranoid and he not have done anything either. sometimes people just get gut feelings about someone or something. they may be inexplicable and seem illogical but they can be quite accurate.
i would not advise talking to him about it if he has done nothing wrong because there is nothing worse than being accused of something you didn't do. besides he's hardly likely to admit anything if you only have a hunch.

nesf

I disagree that she suffers from a large paranoia problem. Believe me paranoid people don't look for advice or someone to condone their thinking. They believe it so totally that they don't feel the need for any proof. Clinical paranoia is even worse than that, but anyways back on topic....

I've known my gut feeling to lie to me very rarely, but it still has. I still generally follow it, but it has been wrong, and is not the infalliable source of "the truth" that some people seem to think their's is. Tread carefully, you obviously care about the guy, or otherwise you'd just end the realationship.

The question about whether what happens out of sight of your partner deserves to be judged on a different scale as opposed to what happens in plain sight, or what you get caught for is one at the heart of many realationship discussions. In general, there generally going to be some stuff that is fine to do out of sight, that would just upset your partner if you did it in front of them. The reason why you choose not to do it in front of the partner is generally because you want to spare their feelings the hassle, or selfish wishes to not be brought to task over it. The problem arises when we try to draw the line seperating whats ok to do out of sight and what isn't.

Is (and this is hypothetical) a secret once off liason that your partner can never stumble across except by your confession wrong? Does it effect the relationship if it never comes to light? Some people would believe that it doesn't. Personally I think that it does, and could never condone it. If I see a mate of mine cheating on a girl I'll give him a verbal clip on the ear. Possibly a physical one too if the girl's also a mate...

But is stuff like some harmless flirting wrong? No, I don't think alot of people even realise it when they are flirting, and can't control it.

I've been in similar situations to what your current bf is in. In that I've alot of very close female friends, the majority of whom I've been involved with at some point over the past few years. But on the other hand, if I'm with someone for the long term, I'm loyal to a fault, even though I have as you put it "options to step in if this relationship fails". But I honestly don't think like that. My having close female friends does not preclude me from loving a girl and being faithful to her. No matter my history with my friends, I'm not with them now for good reasons.

I can understand where such feels of mistrust would come from, I'm also a jealous person, and percieve foul play where it doesn't exist. But I've kept a very tight rein on myself about it. Until I see solid evidence I keep such feelings to myself, and try not to dwell on them. Sometimes our gut feelings can lead us astray. Be wary, it might **** up a good thing for you.

That said, I could never be with someone I didn't trust. If I genuinely felt I couldn't trust the other person, I'd generally break it off in the early stages if that was an option.

That or suggest a threesome and dissolve it into a more open relationship but thats not exactly for everyone!

Best fun in life, to be found in groups some people say...

paulcr

Why drive yourself crazy?

If you don't trust him now, you never will.

What can he say to you that would ease your mind?

I'd go with my feelings about him and cut it short before you invest to much time in something you're never going to fully embrace.

Maybe, you're idea of a relationship is completely different than his.

Dinxminx

My boyfriend flirts with amazing-looking girls without even noticing. He's just one of these people who are naturally charming. That can be a pain when I'm out with him because I'm always afraid he'll run off with one of them; I mean, he hangs out with really beautiful people. But I know that this stems from me being insecure so I ignore it. Maybe you're feeling insecure?

What would worry me are his friends-- friends can really influence a guy and these sound like nasty dudes. What do they think of you? Watch out for them, anyway.

Good luck!