In a trough again.

uum

I can feel it coming again. I havnt been this depressed in a while but now lonliness paranioa self doubt, self hatred, hatred of just about anyone who's happy is getting to me again.
I was always depressed when i was young. I was fat, ugly, terrible acne. No one liked me, definitely not girls. I was mean to everyone cas i was so paranoid. I didnt believe anyone could like me. Things changed as i got older. I lost the weight, got v fit and a nice body under my clothes, became a bit more outgoing in college but still got bouts of depression and anger and would lash out at any1 nearby.
I Finiched college last year and everything changed. Moved away, got a good job, greast new friends and i was happy at alast. Became the person im supposed to be. Charming, witty, happy, fun to be around. Girls started to like me and even come up to me. I was so surprised or maybe i just didnt know what they wanted that i shoo'ed them away. It was only the next day my freinds would say why didnt i score with her? she was a cracker! It was only then that i realised what was going on.
Anyway i got some confidence from that, went onto a new job abt 20 miles away and id be out to visit them every second day and have a laugh. Everything was great then.
Now my friends are 20 miles away and i never see them. I saw some photos of me recently (I havnt stood for a camera in 10yrs by the way) and i was the same old mess i always was. Paranioa came back. I tried to be nice to girls in work. They ignored me, laughed at me. Anger came back. I havnt been out in ages. Lonliness is back now too.
Im a shell of my past self now. No more laughs. and anger boiling an inch under the surface. I just know theres gonna be a fight soon. If i get half a chance. i dont want to but its always been this way before. A dickhead frenchguy nearly got it at the gym tues nite only some guy stopped me. He would've deserved it.
I totLLY HATE myself now and how ugly i am. Why me? what did i do to deserve this? I work hard at everything i do. I earned everything i have. Life was tough when i was young, there were no handouts. Ive a great job doing really challenging stuff andi get a great wage.
I see other guys. Dumbass's. Never worked for anything in their life, Lazy b*stards, not especially witty or nicer to talk to me and they all have girlfriends cas they're good looking.
That gets me mad, real mad. Im not saying i deserve anything but to be treated like normal not ostracised like a leper. Sometimes i pray for the day when i cross paths with the guys who "bullied" (i hate thatword) me when i was young. C*nts f*cked me up. Acne and roaccutane f*cked me up.
Im a slave of paranioa now. I dissect every comment to see if it was a dig at me. Ive relearned how to hate. My hoodie is back on. Nomore eyecontact again. this hole is deeped than before

tinkerbell

The best thing for you is to go get some professional help about your depression.

Rossonero

I, unfortunately can't give any helpful tips, but I have similar feelings to some of yours. But, I don't have as much anger as you seem to have.
I used to ask the same questions as you as to why some people seem to be luckier than you regarding women. I too "shoo'd" away, regretting it often.
But, after my experiences, being good-looking hasn't as much to do with it than you might think. Girls opinions on good looking differ broadly.
Just because you start feeling down, doesn't suddenly change your appearance from good to bad. it helps to have a smile on your face than a frown.

uum

Rossonero wrote:

Just because you start feeling down, doesn't suddenly change your appearance from good to bad. it helps to have a smile on your face than a frown.

No but your idea of how you look in your head does. I always knew i was an ugly bollox but i didnt think about it for a while. Now its all ithink about.
I dont have words for what im feeling . i cant exactly pin down why im so unhappy but right now i dont want my life

Beruthiel

uum
have you ever thought of doing an Assertiveness Course?
it might do you the world of good

it would also do you no harm to talk to a councillor

uum

I dont know what an assertiveness course is and id never talk to a councillor. I bottle everything inside. Along time ago i decided i didnt need anyone and i've lived my life true to that ever since.
If you dont attach yourself to anyone you'll never get hurt when they stab you in the back

Rossonero

uum wrote:

No but your idea of how you look in your head does. I always knew i was an ugly bollox but i didnt think about it for a while.

But that's it, you said there was a time when girls approached you, so you mustn't be the ugly bollox you think you are, you just think it. I know it's easier said than done that you should take confidence from that.

I don't want to start babbling about my problems, but for example;

I was feeling really down and ugly until I met the perfect girl. I love her tbh, and she was really keen on me. But because i was years being unconfident it was hard for me to suddenly be confident. She made passes at me, but I amazingly and stupidly didn't act. I built myself up to act the next time, but she thinks I don't like her and she doesn't get in contact as much and certainly doesn't seem to want to meet up.
I do really love her but I never got the chance to tell her, and i'm not going to say it on the phone.

But, it would be realistic to think that given that I thought I was ugly, I've never had a gf, that i should be given all the confidence i would ever need from that?
But, unfortunately I'm more depressed now than I was ever. It has made things worse. I thought it would help, but I realise the only help that will benefit me is that of a professional. I refused to accept that for ages, but it's true.

c - 13

uum wrote:

I dont know what an assertiveness course is and id never talk to a councillor. I bottle everything inside. Along time ago i decided i didnt need anyone and i've lived my life true to that ever since.
If you dont attach yourself to anyone you'll never get hurt when they stab you in the back

I used to be in the exact same situation as you. All through my school life i was picked on and bullied, i was a fat little f**k, i hated how i looked and i distanced myself from everyone. I spend all my time in secondary school hating myself and everyone there. When i got to college though i realised that this wasnt the way to go - i went about losing the weight, coming out of my shell and talking to people - changing everything that i disliked about myself. That was about three years ago and now im quite happy with the way i look and who i am. For the record, i dont think im a good looking guy in the least, but hey, thats just the way i am and i people can just accept me the way i am.

I dont know if i just wandered off the point/missed the point completely there - if i did then just disregard this post completely.

Beruthiel

uum wrote:

I dont know what an assertiveness course is and id never talk to a councillor. I bottle everything inside. Along time ago i decided i didnt need anyone and i've lived my life true to that ever since.
If you dont attach yourself to anyone you'll never get hurt when they stab you in the back

well until you change that thinking you will be miserable for the rest of your life.
life is all about risk, trusting and letting people into your life is as far as I'm concerned the only thing worth living for. Otherwise, why are we here?
Why are you here? do you know?
the fact that you say you will never speak to a councillor means that you probably very much need to
what exactly do you have to loose by doing this?

uum

You telling me or me thinkning im not ugly helps for a seconf then reality hits again like just now when one of the girls ignored me.
It prolly cas she's busy but in my head its because she doesnt want to be seen talking to me or have to luck at me. Thats what paranioa does. I'll never grow out of that.
Sorry to hear about your case mate. Happened to me a few times, something similiar. I lived all my life getting used to being ugly and undesirable. Then a girl likes me and i dont know what to do so i get rid of em, putit off or just act plain rude to frighten them away.
F*ck it i dont want to do this anymore.

uum

Beruthiel wrote:

well until you change that thinking you will be miserable for the rest of your life.
life is all about risk, trusting and letting people into your life is as far as I'm concerned the only thing worth living for. Otherwise, why are we here?
Why are you here? do you know?
the fact that you say you will never speak to a councillor means that you probably very much need to
what exactly do you have to loose by doing this?

I dont think i want help. I want to be some fu$ked up guy. I want to be a martyr. I dont want to be happy. i want to a reason to be mad all the time. It got to be me against the world

I cant explein why and id never go to a councillor. I couldnt

Beruthiel

if you don't want help
why are you posting in this forum?

Bottle_of_Smoke

uum wrote:

I dont know what an assertiveness course is and id never talk to a councillor. I bottle everything inside. Along time ago i decided i didnt need anyone and i've lived my life true to that ever since.

No offence but your mantra doesn't seem to be working too well. True or not.

uum wrote:

Sometimes i pray for the day when i cross paths with the guys who "bullied" (i hate thatword) me when i was young. C*nts f*cked me up. Acne and roaccutane f*cked me up.

This is serial killer talk, from these threads all I've seen you do is blame your circumstances. You've done well to get around them but you're still blaming them.

For now I reckon you give your 20mile firnds a call and see what they're up to.

uum

Beruthiel wrote:

if you don't want help
why are you posting in this forum?

I dont know. I'll go

Beruthiel

uum wrote:

I dont know. I'll go

as you wish
but remember
until you snap out of this 'feeling sorry for yourself' and do something about it, you are going to be miserable for some time to come

vixen2005

cant offer help but remember people say beauty is only skin deep, i never thought i was good lookin and i met a truely amazin guy througha text thing on the paper and we both fell for each other before we met.. been honest he wasn wha i had though but as i remembered all our chats etc i realised he was much more and lookin back he was every thing i wanted and more. that was two years ago, we had a baby and new house and engaged to marry.... may be you just need some one to get to know you first, but you have to help your self before any one can help you!!!

LegacyUser

uum wrote:

then reality hits again like just now when one of the girls ignored me.

You need to find a way to not care what people think of you, I used to be quite like this, but recently its very hard to insult me. I tend to go out with the opinion that I can make any girl like me and not care what people think of me, and the fear of rejection does not bother me anymore.

Trust me when I say that most women are very nice, just got to break the ice with them first and most of them are completely un-shallow unlike us men.

I heard a quote recently I think its from that new Will Smith Film Hitch that I thought might be a bit relevant here: Any man can charm any woman

This is what has worked for me, although your depression seems quite rooted with anger and seems quite serious, I would consider counselling, try at least one session perhaps it might help give you a more content outlook to life, that you need.

Best Of luck!

MojoMaker

uum, for the record I don't think you have depression. What you are describing in the posts above does not tally with common symptoms of depression. There are definitely a few things from your posts on this thread that could easily, if not quickly, worked through with a trained psychotherapist. Most people go to see one knowing they have stuff to achieve from the visits but not knowing how to really start. Almost everyone clams up for the first few sessions so don't worry. The whole "bottling stuff up" is something that can fall away surprisingly quickly, even without you realising it. It's quite clear to me that the one thing that would benefit you most would be open impartial, non-judgemental conversations with someone possessing intimate knowledge of the role, use, and management of emotions. This person does not necessarily need to be a counsellor but they are the most common avenue to this kind of communication. A GP can only see you for so long remember.

I'm puzzled by the following extract from your post. Everything appears to be hunky dory and then, within a short period of time, something changed. What you don't say it what changed? You were continuing to visit your friends as normal, given that you had already moved away once before and it hadn't affected your relationships exept in a postive fashion. So what happened? You're not disclosing the trigger event, cos is clearly isn't just the fact that your friends are 20 miles away - you've been through that already, as you say yourself.

Anyway i got some confidence from that, went onto a new job abt 20 miles away and id be out to visit them every second day and have a laugh. Everything was great then. Now my friends are 20 miles away and i never see them. I saw some photos of me recently (I havnt stood for a camera in 10yrs by the way) and i was the same old mess i always was. Paranioa came back.

Altheus

You've got anger, abandonment and narcassism problem, also you're bipolar.

Seek medical help as you do truely need it. Irrationality and fluctuating emotions between anger/sombre.

Next up, some people are living to such a superficial edge that they will never consider being with someone 'ugly', however most people without the superficial edge will consider going out with someone who consider themselves 'ugly.

People in general are not slave to themodern of idea of beauty, but in fact you seem to be. People like the beautiful, the charmers, the confidents, the tricksters, the hopeless, the hopeful, the miserable, the kind, the deceitful, the ugly and the insane.

To paraphrase Dr. Phil, "Beauty is skin deep, but ugly runs straight to the bone."

"Beauty" for men, I believe is 90% projection 10% reality. I have seen people with acne that ran the length of their bodies with beautiful women, because whether or not the acne affects them, they never outwardly expressed any concern for it. This is a dangerous method because the possibility that they are just bottling up unprocessed pain inside is of course going to be a problem. The fact is that they learned that is was the project of that pain that was the root of the problem.

Case in point: http://us.ent4.yimg.com/entertainment.yahoo.com/images/ent/ap/20050105/nyet111_people_klum_seal.sff.jpg

Anyway, again I would say to get help.

Do not turn into a human being who hates themselves so much that the only catharsis they attain is inflicting pain and suffering unto others.

That is a bully.

Jim10000

Hey Beruthiel,
I think everyone could see the irony of a guy posting here and claiming at the same time that he didin't want help. Do you really think it was a good idea to highlight it and drive him away?

Beruthiel

perhaps he needed it to be highlighted?

and I'm quite sure he's still reading this thread
when he's ready for help, he will come back

Santa Claus

I agree with Beruthiel.

He won't make any real SUSTAINABLE progress unless he consults a professional.

Also, to the OP maybe why you were such a hit with the ladies before was not to do with your looks but more to do with your self confidence.

Uthur

Beruthiel, I know I have no right to criticise you here but I think that
was cruel and unnecessary.

You know as well as I do that people can be in enormous amounts of
pain and still find it impossible to ask for help. I hope he comes back
so we can convince him to go to therapy.