Mother->relationship problems

LegacyUser

I'm in a weird postion thats tying me up emotionally.

My mother has arrived form Irleand from abroad. She's not a mother figure in any way accept bilogically and if anything i see her as a sort of distant relative. She didn't raise me, i haven't seen her for about 2 years and we've spoken on the phone on average once very 2 months for he past 10 years. She knows i have issues with her but because i'm "doing ok for myself" she believes "if it's not broken don't fix it". She's seriously got her head in the feckin clouds.

Anyway, she's been taken into hospital for some minor investigative surgey and my sister and relatives are concerened it'll be bad news.

The thing is i'm feeling absoultely nothing for this woman. I'm been hassled to go and see her by family members but really don't bloody feel like it. I was near death 10 years ago and she had to be made by my grandmother to return form abroad to see me. This coldness has affected all my relationships and i'm starting to get really pissed off with the whole deal. I'm crappy at relationships in general and can't help blame some it it partly on this emtiness with my mother. Even writing "mother" is weird for me as i usually call her by her name. I seem to reject women before they reject me kinda-thing.

Is there anywhere i can go for some sort of counseling on this sort of thing. Its really starting to nag at me - i'm 30 and am getting serously envious at all my mates who have solid partners and are planning kids. I'd so love to be where thay are but honestly feel i years behind because of the zero parenting i got (from my fater too... a whole different issue there!). Everyone says they thinks i;ve done well given my upbringing and circumstances but the things i most want... a partner and family .. seem totally unattainable.

Any advise? Its getting a little un-friggin-funny...

Beruthiel

I also had issues with my mother, in a totally different way to yourself but there was a lot of ill feeling with regards to her for the first 28 years of my life, reading a book called My Mother, Myself by Nancy Friday left a lasting impression on me and made me see her in a whole new light.
If you think that she is at deaths door, then I would advice seeing her, do it for yourself if not her, as you can only regret the things you haven’t done, not the things you have.

why do you feel that you cannot have a relationship because of your mother/your up bringing, how is that stopping you exactly?

I have learned that it is better to just let your anger go than to keep it locked up inside you, it will eventually destroy anything you try to do and will always be in the back of your mind, holding you back in all sorts of ways. Live for now and enjoy what you have.

Find yourself a councillor by getting a referral from your GP
best of luck

LegacyUser

Yep.. i think councelings the only way to go. I've fooled myself up until now that my happy-go-lucky attitude has kept me on top of things but i actualy don't think it has really. The recent arrival of my mother and various correspondences with my equally estranged father have highlighted all this.


My non-nurturing upbringing prevents me from developing proper raltionships in various ways.

- fear of rejection means crappy dating/chatting up skills.
- no witnessing of whats-a-good-relationship leaves me with no reference frame, no template for how to get it right.
- The way i see couples cope with problems always points to the fact that they had at least one strong parent that they could emulate/reference/draw strength from etc... i have no such backup.
- so i grew up with a well developed sense of looking after my own needs and this causes partners to see me as being isolationist, flakey and unable to share/discuss issues. I;m generally seeing as unrliable emotionally and i know this is because i've learned to not rely on anyone emotionally myself.

Look i've had g/f's and have an ok social life. I'm involved with things and not socially inelpt or an apathetic psycho or anything... i just find it hard to release my full potential, which i know i have, because of the blatant uncaring attitude of both parents in my 20-odd years of growing up.

Of course the ultimate success of anything i do relys with me but it's taken a while to realise that i need to open the doors. I need to release this anger i feel for my parents....... i'll try councelling for sure.

Beruthiel

ShouldBePsycho wrote:

this causes partners to see me as being isolationist, flakey and unable to share/discuss issues. I;m generally seeing as unrliable emotionally and i know this is because i've learned to not rely on anyone emotionally myself.

the fact that you actually know this means you are half way to sorting it out

i just find it hard to release my full potential, which i know i have, because of the blatant uncaring attitude of both parents in my 20-odd years of growing up

though I agree with what you are saying, at some point you have to also now hold yourself responsible, which you are doing, I suggest you don't waste another minute, get to your GP asap, and remember, it will take time and will probably be worse before it gets better, but in the end you will be so happy you did it.

CathyMoran

I had issues with my mother in the past also - it took us a long time to work through our issues but in the end we were great friends as long as we lived apart, we even went on holidays together once we had space. I found that I always tended to consider my father to be my mum and dad so it has meant that I would tend to have more male friends that female, though that has changed in the past few years. I also go for guys who remind me of my dad (which is good). I am really glad that my mum and I were getting on well when she got very ill, but even still I think that it is never to late to reach out to someone, luckily my mum is still alive but she is still critically ill and I am still spending as much time with her as possible. Think of what you would want in the future to remember of your past and bite your toungue if you have to...it is good to let out the anger but from my experience it is a wasted emotion, it sounds hard but forgiveness lasts a lifetime.

b3t4

I too have had problems with my mother in the past. I am currently seeing a counsellor which is helping me through some of my problems. It is helping me a lot. For the first time in my life I am starting to see that all that stuff that went on when I was a kid had nothing to do with me. I am however responsible for how I continue on with my life and how I choose to learn from my upbringing.

I can relate to it having an affect on relationships. I have a lot more male friends than female and find it extremely hard to trust women. I am currently working through this and have a number of good female friends.

OP, take yourself to a GP as Beruthiel has said and get a reference for a counsellor. It will do you the world of good. :-)

A.

LegacyUser

Thanks a lot folks. Its good to hear people with similar problems are working through them.

It's true i have mostly male friends too by the way.

I'm friends with my ex who's got a whole bunch of family-related problems herself and between the two of us, out relationship went totally pear-shaped. Our friendship now is colorfull to say the least too - swaying from needyness on both our parts, having trust issues, being pretty obnoxious and disrespectfull one day, all pals the next. It seems we're drawn to each other is lots of ways but then our emotional faults repel us apart - it's a bit of a head wrecker.

I actually don't have amy own GP so where else could i get a list of counsellors - Eastern Health Board?

b3t4

ShouldBePsycho wrote:

I actually don't have amy own GP so where else could i get a list of counsellors - Eastern Health Board?

There is no need to have your own GP. I've had many different doctors over the last couple of years as I have moved between Cork, Limerick and Dublin. I've had a new doctor(s) in each place. Drop into the local GP and they will have no problem giving you information regarding local counsellors. They may even have a list of available counsellors at the reception.

A.

Oryx

I have nothing to offer by way of advice, but on a lighter note, I decided to post this poem by Philip Larkin:

They **** you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were ****ed up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

LegacyUser

Wow KatieK... i just read that poem last night in a book i bought yesterday:
"They f**k you up" by Oliver James. (No, not the chef)

Its a great read so far and this chap is a trained pyshcologist who just lays out how nurturing or lack of it dictates much of your adult life... and he gets into how you can rewrite the script - which is what i need. It's very non-cynical and positive so far and doesn't get too freudian or bogged down in psycho-babble. He uses celebrities as examples as well as his own personal experiences. It's a very down to earth hands-on approach by an author who admits he still doesn't have the answers but is on the right track himself.

I already feel pretty damn postive about my dear aul mumsie - in fact i think i'll shove the book in her hand if i go vist her in hospital!

Cheers!

Beruthiel

Good for you, a step in the right direction!

sal*

My mother (both parents possibly) are the ultimate pyscho's. My parents split up when i was about 11, as he was an alcoholic, went into John of Gods hospital to 'dry out' and ended up meeting someone else. My mother begged him for months and months to come back even though her three kids were terrified of him and he was abusive to her and abusive to us too (not physically abusive to us).

Since then, my mother has had a string of abusive relationships, physically and mentally/emotionally. She just keeps going back for more. Out of three kids, I'm in the middle and probably the most likely to speak out. When it got to the stage that I could not take any more of the abusive relationships, I begged her to choose between her children and her fella. She choose him. She used to blame us when her fellas would walk out on her.

I have no contact with my father since he left us, I believe now that i may have half-brothers/sisters. I left home when i was 17, it was the best move i ever made. Since then i have had intermittant contact with my mother, I could go months and months without talking to her. So many times she has packed up my stuff and threatned to kick me out, as early as 13. She has since kicked my brother out.

Looking back, she has said some very very nasty and hurtful things towards me. I made an effort to go out to visit her at christmas and she knew that me and my boyfriend had broken up, I didn't go into the circumstances of it with her so she didnt even know who did it but all day Christmas day she was insinuiating that i was having an affair (even though she knew we had broken up) and then when I finally confronted her about it she said that she hoped that my boyfriend kicked me out.

I just dont see either parents at all now but I am affected emotionally by the whole thing. I'm even embarrassed to tell my friends the situation.

The Corinthian

ShouldBePsycho wrote:

Is there anywhere i can go for some sort of counseling on this sort of thing. Its really starting to nag at me - i'm 30 and am getting serously envious at all my mates who have solid partners and are planning kids. I'd so love to be where thay are but honestly feel i years behind because of the zero parenting i got (from my fater too... a whole different issue there!). Everyone says they thinks i;ve done well given my upbringing and circumstances but the things i most want... a partner and family .. seem totally unattainable.

Any advise? Its getting a little un-friggin-funny...

Two observations; the first is that you’re not alone in the baggage that our parents, often unthinkingly, lumber us with. Certainly we’ve seen in this thread numerous other people admit parallel scenarios to your own, including myself (growing up with a classically patriarchal Italian father does nothing for your ability to relate to women in a healthy manner, TBH).

Secondly you’re aware of your situation. This is more than a lot of people are. And as a result, this places you in a far better position to deal with these issues than most.

As a final observation, I would have to comment that given your conscious recognition of your own experiences you would probably make a good father - terrible husband, but a good father. So at least you’re half way there.

LegacyUser

Sal*.... jesus thats bad. Hope you're making it alright these days and that your relationships aren't too effected in a similar way. I hope you CAN talk to your friends about it.... if they're friends they should listen......mine get more angry at my folks than i do, when they hear the state of the parenting i got.

All of my ex girlfriends have all said to me "I don't ever want to meet your parents... i don't know how i'd react". None have ever met my mother.....2 have met my dad and thought i was just like him which is weird as i see him once every 2 years maybe. I think i'll write a book too.

sal*

Shouldbepyscho, this is probably not the most important advice/information that you can get now, but I think definitely count yourself lucky that your mother lives abroad. My mother is still impacting on my siblings lives in a negative way every day.

Anyways best of luck with the book!