Wedding invites RSVP...

LegacyUser

Hi

Is it bad etiquette if you don't reply to the parents of the bride for the wedding invitation. If i just reply to my friend, is this ok or seen as an insult?

Beruthiel

I don't see how it makes any difference

blah

Reply to the parents of the bride, a short letter thanking them for the invite and telling them that you (+1?) will be coming.
Short and sweet and simple, if you don't I think it would be seen as rude.

Furp

It depends but I would not think it would be a problem if your friend is talking a big part in organising the wedding, however some people may think it is rude as they have sent you a personal invitation and they are the ones hosting and paying for the wedding.

When I got married in 2002 we sent stamped self addressed envelopes with all of our invitations and I have to say we did get most of them back, also if the parents are paying for it, it might be more courteous to reply to them as remember for each guest they could be paying €100-300+ per head in overall costs.

Organizing a wedding can be very stressful and the least little thing can be taken up wrongly (although in hindsight too much worry and stress was unnecessarily spent) depending on the scale with so many things that people want exactly right so if anything makes that process easier it can help.

In my opinion i woudl tell your friend but i'd also RSVP.

gandalf

You should respond to the parents as well.

*Page*

you should rsvp to the sender. the reason they sent it was cause they are doing the arranging!

secret_squirrel

If you are worried about writing an rsvp to strangers - get one of the preprinted rsvp replies from places like easons.

Gordon

what *Page* said would be what I'd do, who sent you the invite? Just one RSVP is necessary surely? Or do you feel better replying to both?

BolBill

Dont bother, RSVPs are only required when youre NOT going really.....

seamus

It'll only cause a headache when your RSVP arrives at the parent's house and gets lost in the post on the way to the other person's house.

If it's your mate, just post the RSVP and give him an informal ring to tell him you're coming.

The Sweeper

BolBill wrote:

Dont bother, RSVPs are only required when youre NOT going really.....

Eh, no. And if you're ever trying to plan a meal for a large number of people, you'll find out why soon enough. Especially at the per-head price going these days.

WhiteWashMan

BolBill wrote:

Dont bother, RSVPs are only required when youre NOT going really.....

so, you dont get invited to things much, do you?

LFCFan

BolBill wrote:

Dont bother, RSVPs are only required when youre NOT going really.....

Oh boy! I'd love to see you organise anything with more than 10 people. We are sending out our wedding invitations soon and would expect everyone to RSVP us regardless of whether or not they are going, otherwise, how in the name of jaysus are we supposed to know who's coming or not??? Assumptions are the worst thing you can make when planning a wedding!!!

BolBill

LFCFan wrote:

Oh boy! I'd love to see you organise anything with more than 10 people. We are sending out our wedding invitations soon and would expect everyone to RSVP us regardless of whether or not they are going, otherwise, how in the name of jaysus are we supposed to know who's coming or not??? Assumptions are the worst thing you can make when planning a wedding!!!

Yawn.

Beruthiel

BolBill wrote:

Yawn.

it is obvious that you have not read this forums charter with regards to comments such as this
I suggest you do so immediately
B

Furp

When I was married as I said we recieved most of the RSVPs back either being able to attend or not, there where a few people that did not reply in writing and only replied verbally, that was fine as I had done up a spreadsheet to keep track of all the responses.

But there was three people that did not turn up and anyone who has had a wedding will know that the hotels require definite numbers and if less than that turn up they still charge, we had to pay €200 even though these poeple did not arrive on the day.

so I would say write an RSVP and also call your friend to confirm.

iguana

Furp wrote:

if the parents are paying for it, it might be more courteous to reply to them as remember for each guest they could be paying €100-300+ per head in overall costs.

It doesn't cost €100-300 per head, the only per-head cost to a wedding is the meal, which can be €30-70 in most places. Unless of course you are paying the entire bar bill, which would be financial suicide in this country. Or buying all the guests an expensive gift.

The band, dj and photographer don't charge less if less people come. The bridal shop doesn't offer to take money off the dresses if there is less guests to see them.

And what about the money that guests need to pay to go to the wedding? On average the guests spend more in total than the hosts. Hen and stag nights have become hen and stag weekends. Thats €200-300 right there, probably more. At least €100 on a gift, another €100 on an outfit. Guests usually have to stay at the hotel for a night or two, that's another €100.

And do you know what? Most people HATE weddings. The bride and groom are too stressed and they rarely have the wedding they want. The guests have to spend the day eating sub-standard food, that they would send back in a restauruant, and then spend the night dancing to music that was in the charts before their parents were born. "Rock around the clock" is not music for everyone. The only people who have any real fun is the spinstered great aunt mabel for whom every whim is catered to in the planning stages. :mad:

I'm sure that you don't want to insult your hosts, so you should rsvp with the parents. But it's stupid isn't it? Telling your friend should be enough.

Modern day weddings are farce. An endless round of keeping up with the Joneses, if not out-doing them, which cost both hosts and guests a fortune, creating a billion euro industry in this country alone.

secret_squirrel

iguana wrote:

It doesn't cost €100-300 per head, the only per-head cost to a wedding is the meal, which can be €30-70 in most places.

Thats a very narrow view of per head costs - are you trying to say that say a function room for 200 people shouldnt be included in a per head cost? Then there's each invite - they dont come cheap. Then there's the band, possibly booze possibly other entertainment - I could go on and on.... Surely per head cost = cost of wedding / number of guests .
Lets face it the happy couple invite guests to share their day (or to show off) Anyone who wants to could get married with the minimum bother for a few hundred if they wanted to. Therefore the costs of anything more is usually directly proportional to the number of guests.

iguana

secret_squirrel wrote:

Anyone who wants to could get married with the minimum bother for a few hundred if they wanted to. Therefore the costs of anything more is usually directly proportional to the number of guests.

Then the guests should hardly be expected to be held accountable for the costs of the wedding. They never asked for the money to be spent on them, they should not have to suffer the consequences.

LFCFan

Jaysus Iguana, you must have been to some pretty lousy weddings I've only been to 5 in total but every one of them were a good laugh. It all depends on who's invited. Some people end up having the place full of old relatives and friends of the parents, mainly because the parents paid for it. In our case, the vast majority of our guests will be friends and cousins as we're paying for it, which will make it a great night *touch wood*

Narcom

iguana wrote:

Then the guests should hardly be expected to be held accountable for the costs of the wedding. They never asked for the money to be spent on them, they should not have to suffer the consequences.

Iguana, while that position is all good and well, in the real world, a wedding invite is not an opportunity to impose your opinions/beliefs/arguments on others. Your argument is ridiculous and is akin to 'I didn't ask to be born did I?'

Speaking from experience, it costs a LOT of money, simply to prepare and send out invitations - (even if you do it yourself it can easily go into the 1-300mark for invites, rsvp cards, postage, materials etc.) So as consideration of the 'effort/cost' (never mind the thought) of the invitation alone, it wouldn't kill you to shell out 48cent on a stamp and respond.

Also, with regard to the costs on a per head basis, Weddings are planned, costed and serviced with regard to numbers. This means everything from the number of mass booklets that need to be printed, the amount of sherry/champ/etc at the reception, the number of rooms to be block booked, the number of bottles of wine at the tables, corkage (if applicable) meal costs per head etc etc can all be influenced by the number of guests. If over a certain number of guests, you can negotiate reductions on a whole range of items from the hotel/suppliers. Again, even tea and sandwiches at 11pm cost a large fortune and are based on confirmed numbers in advance.

As one of the others here mentioned, the cost of a few people not bothering to turn up can be easily into the hundreds and the 'real' per head cost is typically EUR100+. If you don't have the manners or the consideration to appreciate this then you are clearly going to the wrong weddings, or don't deserve to be invited in the first place.

There are definitely examples of weddings becoming exhibitionist exercises in spending money and one-upmanship which I think most of us would disagree with, but please don't tar everyone with the same brush just because you have a chip on your shoulder.

<rant>
If you are bothered about the cost of participating in the wedding then don't go, believe me, it is not the couple's intention to try and put you through needless trouble and expense, they certainly are going to be in a hell of a worse financial position at the end of the day than you.

I know this sounds outrageous but perhaps they actually wanted you to come and participate in the most important day of their lives, but hey maybe they just wanted to piss you off in a complicated way.

As I said if you can't afford it, don't go, but do have the decency and good manners to RSVP.
</rant>

iguana

Narcom wrote:

Iguana, while that position is all good and well, in the real world, a wedding invite is not an opportunity to impose your opinions/beliefs/arguments on others. Your argument is ridiculous and is akin to 'I didn't ask to be born did I?

When did I ever say that if someone invites you to a wedding you should impose your beliefs/opinions/arguments on others? What I said was people having weddings expect guests to bend over backwards for them, because of the financial hardship they cause the host, but they don't take into account that there may be hardship for the guests.

When it comes to my wedding I won't be grateful to those who show up, and I won't expect them to turn up according to my rules, sure I'd expect them to tell me if they are coming, but if they tell me that is enough, I don't need a formal notification. I surely don't expect them to be grateful to me for inviting them.

And when I go to the weddings of the people I love, I don't expect them to be grateful for my presence nor am I grateful to them for inviting me.

When my friend got married 3 years ago she asked me to stand with her. I knew her costs were spiralling out of control and she was only asking me because we always said we would stand with each other. She already had her sister, her neice her 2 sisters in-law(who she didn't want) and our other friend as bridesmaids. When she asked me I told her I was honoured but if she didn't want so many bridesmaids I would understand. i've rarely seen anyone look as grateful.

When anyone asked what she wanted as a gift she told them money as the costs were killing them. She and her husband had a miserable time leading up to the wedding and when asked if they were looking forward to it they both said no, the wedding was not what they wanted. 3 years on and they are still paying for it, they desperately want to buy a house but must pay off the wedding before they can start saving for a deposit, and they have spent their entire married life living with flatemates to help pay the rent.

I know I spent more on their wedding than they did on me as I gave them a card with about 4 times the cost of accommodating me as a gift. Plus I paid for a room at the hotel and my dress as I wasn't a bridesmaid. But I don't expect either of us to be grateful to the other. We were friends, at one of our weddings, that isn't something that requires gratitude.

I'm getting married abroad, so if she or any of the rest of my family can come they they can come, if they can't they can't. I think it's a special day sure, but really just for me and my partner. I don't really care who else is there. I do however care that I get to buy a house, that's the priority. It comes first once that is out of the way I'll start thinking about weddings. I certainly won't let a wedding ruin the best hope I have of owning a home like many people I know have. Quite a few of my friends are like that now. Get the house, have the wedding and don't make a big fuss about it.

Getting married isn't about the wedding, it isn't about a meal or a band or a dress. It isn't about invites and rsvp's and guests. And as much as we love them it isn't about pleasing our parents our spinster aunts. It is about 2 people commiting to each other, forever. It's about how much those two people love each other and want to be together. That's all.

LFCFan

Holy ****! How the hell did a 'should I respond to an RSVP' thread, turn into an argument? Boards.ie does it again

LFCFan

iguana wrote:

3 years on and they are still paying for it

Nobody's fault but their own don't you think? People don't have to spend €30,000+ on a wedding. Our's is costing a good bit but we've saved most of it and the shortfall will hopefully be paid for through money as wedding gifts. At the end of the day, we are having the wedding we can afford, nothing more, nothing less. To get yourself into debt for 3 years for 1 day is rediculous and if you end up in that situation, you only have yourself to blame!

Narcom

Fair 'nuff, I can't disagree with anything you've said there and the story of your friend is a pretty extreme example of what can happen when things get out of control.

I mistook your post as one of 'bah humbug' and that you were being needlessly boorish and negative. This wasn't what you were trying to say but that's how I interpreted the comments.

Yes, I've first hand knowledge of how bridezilla's/groomzilla's make very selfish/costly demands on guests and impose daft requirements, wedding lists etc.

Yes, the entire invite and response, thank you card process is a huge waste of everyone's time and if its possible to short-circuit any of it by whatever means, then great.

As for formal notification, agree with you there, a call, text, message in person are all fine.

I agree that getting married is not or should not be about the dress, the band, food or anything material but rather about the commitment of two people to each other, everything else is just incidental. But the event itself does take on a significance for everyone involved and the more one can do to reduce needless complications/stress/grief/costs etc is critical, and that is where I was coming from with regard to my rant about replying to RSVPs.

I think wedding invitations, and attendance shouldn't be viewed as something one should be thankful for and then be forced to reciprocate in the same fashion, more treated like a gift.

If you give a gift and expect something in return then the point of giving it is entirely missed. So too with an invite or with an attendance, its a celebration, if you can make it then great and I'm grateful that you took time out of your life/job to attend and share in the day as everyone's time is scarce. Do I demand that you give me a present, no but there are many who do expect one.

So I probably don't disagree with you on much except maybe about being grateful that people could turn up and share in the day.

Finally, for anyone to go into 3year debt over a wedding is barmy and I can't condone that kind of madness for one day of being the centre of attention.
Sounds like family or someone got waaayy out of control

Beruthiel

can we get back to the actual topic of this thread please?
B

Mighty_Mouse

actually having to give people the stamp is crazy!!! be really lound amongst family and friends how important it is for people to respond.If they dont, feck em. Automatically send them afters invites!!

The Sweeper

To the OP; is there anything beside the RSVP on the invite? Okay okay, so it's an obvious question I know, but just checking...

WhiteWashMan

iguana wrote:

When it comes to my wedding I won't be grateful to those who show up,

if you manage to convince someone to marry you, i bet you will be grateful.
perhaps when you grow up and join the real world, you might start to see things differently.

iguana wrote:

and I won't expect them to turn up according to my rules,

excellent. so if you decide to have a nice white wedding, people should turn up wearing a swin suit if they want?

really, start to think about what you are saying, becuase you are just putting things out there without even thinking now.

iguana wrote:

I don't need a formal notification. .

what if your (unfortunate) wife to be wants all that. what if some fools lack of response they wany she wants it upsets her?
what if she wants some idiot to shell out a whole 3 minutes of their time and a stamp, and they, like you, cant be arsed?

iguana wrote:

I surely don't expect them to be grateful to me for inviting them.

really?
they certainly wont be good friends at your wedding then. god, i wish people could rad the crap they come out with now, and then wind on ten years. youd see yourself talking an awful amount of old bollox to be sure to be sure...
still, i guess its the perogative of a 16 year old to know everything.

iguana

WhiteWashMan wrote:

god, i wish people could read the crap they come out with now, and then wind on ten years. youd see yourself talking an awful amount of old bollox to be sure to be sure...
still, i guess its the perogative of a 16 year old to know everything.

First off, you assume I'm 16 because?????? Granted I had the same opinions about my wedding when I was 16, and if we wind on 10 years as you suggest to the 26 that I am, gee; I feel the same way.

As for your wish that people would read their posts, maybe you should have actually read mine and you might have copped that not too many 16 year olds have close friends who got married 3 years ago, or rent hotel rooms. But you made lots of mistakes like that. Next;

WhiteWashMan wrote:

what if your (unfortunate) wife to be wants all that. what if some fools lack of response they wany she wants it upsets her?
what if she wants some idiot to shell out a whole 3 minutes of their time and a stamp, and they, like you, cant be arsed?

My unfortunate wife? Well the fact that I wear dresses to other peoples weddings, and that they ask me to be their bridesmaid may be a bigger problem for her. The fact that I'm a heterosexual woman and am not in the slightest bit attracted to her may be more of a problem for her. And the fact that the state will not recognise our union may also be more of an issue than the rsvp's.

Why do people assume that only teenage boys are allowed hate weddings? As it happens there are a lot of women who hate them, and I think the fact that I mentioned all the bridesmaid, me in a dress stuff should have been enough to overide your assumption.

WhiteWashMan wrote:

if you manage to convince someone to marry you, i bet you will be grateful.

I'm about to buy a house with my partner, once that is done we will think more about weddings but we have both decided that when we get married it will be a smallish wedding abroad.

When it comes to weddings most guys don't need much convincing that it should be with minimal fuss.

WhiteWashMan wrote:

perhaps when you grow up and join the real world, you might start to see things differently.

Actually I live in the real world, I work in international development and my eyes are open everyday to the fact that over 50% of the world's population don't have adequate means to support themselves. The thought of spending so much time, effort and most importantly money on a party, turns my stomach. If it's what other people want to do, then fine, but don't tell me I don't live in the real world.

WhiteWashMan wrote:

really, start to think about what you are saying, becuase you are just putting things out there without even thinking now.

EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And as for the original post, I told the OP to RSVP, I just said it sucks that telling your friend isn't enough.