Hopes End.

atlantis

Note to one particular person who'll know who he is:
Please don't read this. Don't worry it has nothing to do with you but, I can't say this on the other one and I need to say it.



Ok first lets get the rant out of the way.

First He comes on to me , granted he was drunk but still, i responded and have fun. Next week he invites me to the cinema, and to his place after. I go and have more fun. Next he invites me for drinks. Again I go and not as much fun as the last one but still had fun <--(only literal meaning of the word "fun" in rant). Next he says he only ever wanted to be friends and it wasn't his intention to lead me on. He's sorry. Can we still be friends?

Have to admit I'm a little confused. Somehow I didn't think that was the way things went. I can understand losing interest and people changing they're minds and all, hell I've done it a few times but what sort of crap excuse was that? Maybe I'm a bollocks for being honest but if any time I ever changed my mind about someone I told them the reason why. It might have been harsh but it was the truth. I always thought they deserved that much at least and was always willing to except the same no matter how bad it was.

Now I'm torn between wanting to know the real reason and not wanting to know it. I'm torn between telling him to **** off and actually considering to be friends with him coz he is a nice guy, which makes it even worse. What do I do?

Also... he was the second person ever who I actually really liked and now both of them have turned me down. Anyone else I was ever with was a person who I knew liked me but I never really liked any of them. Is that the way its always gonna be? Is all I can get a person whos desperate enough to like me? ... ...Should I start automatically assuming that if I like a guy then thats all the proof I need that he certainly won't like me?

I think I need a shrink.

azezil

Does it really matter why he lost interest?

You have an opertunity to remain friends, if you push for an explaination you'll only push him away, I know it sucks, been there many times on both sides, it will be awkward for a while but as you say he's a nice guy, it'll be worth it in the long run.

damien

atlantis wrote:

Is that the way its always gonna be?

Nope. Your prince will come along someday. Some have to wait longer than others but in the end the wait is always worth it.

Is all I can get a person whos desperate enough to like me?

Nope.

... ...Should I start automatically assuming that if I like a guy then thats all the proof I need that he certainly won't like me?

Get over yourself.

I think I need a shrink.

That's always an option and can help people quite a bit.

Stark

Did he really lead you on? How can you be sure that he friendship wasn't all he was ever after? It is perfectly acceptable for a gay man to want another gay man as a friend. He's not exactly doing anything wrong by being friendly with someone just because the other person might think there was something more to it.

Boston

Maybe he was just abit lonely and wanted a friend, then copped, or was told, that you where viewing it differently and decided to put you straight on the issue. If you take a step back, he doesn't seem to have done anything a friend wouldn't do. Inviting you back to his? Why not, out to the cinema? out for a ocuple pints? All things I've done.

bopper

Well to be honest from what you've said, i don't think he lead you on that much. So he came onto you once, but he was drunk, you admit that. As for the stuff after that, well i go for drinks and go out to the cinema with my friends, and i've never thought of that as them coming onto me

atlantis

Do I really have to give ye an account of what we actually did while at his place? Anyway forget about it... I can see all of ye're points of view and yeah I suppose ye're right. Thanks for putting things in perspective.

damien

Well, you could have been clearer but from what I read of it, you had "FUN" 3 times. Being told he only wanted to be friends after all that was a bit disingenuous. He made all the moves, he brought it as far as he wanted.

Some people do need time though to figure out what kind of relationship they want with people. Many of us still lack the emotional maturity to have it all figured out before we make a move. Do you doubt he is genuine ? If you have strong feelings for him and still crave his affections then I'd stay clear for a while as it'll only frustrate you more.

Boston

damien.m wrote:

Some people do need time though to figure out what kind of relationship they want with people. Many of us still lack the emotional maturity to have it all figured out before we make a move.

Does that ever work, seems like every plan of action goes to hell once the first move is made.

damien

Boston wrote:

seems like every plan of action goes to hell once the first move is made.

it can go to heaven too Boston.

moridin

Oh it works, but what I've found is that it takes a while... and when you see someone that you might like to date, if you don't move fast then most likely they'll end up with someone by the following week.

Ships sailing and all that.

The problem with acting is that, well, then you end up half-forming relationships before you realise what it is that you really want, and possibly one or both of the people involved get hurt.

azezil

But isn't that, what makes dating fun? Take risks, see where it goes... often an emotional rollercoaster but when it pays off, its all worth it.

Boston

moridin wrote:

Oh it works, but what I've found is that it takes a while... and when you see someone that you might like to date, if you don't move fast then most likely they'll end up with someone by the following week.

Ships sailing and all that.

The problem with acting is that, well, then you end up half-forming relationships before you realise what it is that you really want, and possibly one or both of the people involved get hurt.

moridin wrote:

Oh it works, but what I've found is that it takes a while... and when you see someone that you might like to date, if you don't move fast then most likely they'll end up with someone by the following week.

Ships sailing and all that.

The problem with acting is that, well, then you end up half-forming relationships before you realise what it is that you really want, and possibly one or both of the people involved get hurt.

I've seen one situation where the act fast approach has worked very well, and one where it's about to cause allot of pain. It's just I seem to stuble into these things with little to no idea whats going on. Spend a little while second guessing everything, and then settle. A plan would be an excellent idea. Now that I think of it, my boyfriend had a very definite plan to get me, of which I was totally oblivious.

Hmm_Messiah

Hi !
Maybe some other posters underestimated the " fun" you spoke of having, or underestimated the significance you place in it. Maybe this guy has also done
that.

You're confusion is understandable but he beginning of any new relationship can feel like that. And then there are times something comes to nothing and its just wrecks your head.

Its impossiblt cruel that some times people we like don't like us, or peolpe we love/could love don't feel the same.

But this guy comes across as likeable, and sincere, and important to you in more than one way. Why not ask him what you've asked here. Maybe there is more to be explained, maybe you'll learn that there isn't that this is just how it is, but he'll note how it hurts you and be careful with your friendship. Maybe this guy is the one to explain your frustration at liking somee one and finding it not reciprocated. I know its all a move away from what you would like, but might be pretty cool in itself.

Needing a shrink bit ? Well maybe you need to talk through things with some one. There's a whole choice of people there: some mate, some one you find u relate to on boards even, then there are help lines, counsellors, therapists etc.

shrinks deal with "something wrong", and there is nothing wrong with your feelings or reactions.

"Is that the way its always gonna be? Is all I can get a person whos desperate enough to like me? ... ...Should I start automatically assuming that if I like a guy then thats all the proof I need that he certainly won't like me?"

:-) There were people I liked but never put much energy into, I saw them as SO SO WAY WAY OUT of my "league". I constantly was amazed how these people then grew closer to me, and we ended up in amzing intimate relationships (some short some ongoing)
Switch your thinking around so those people who disappoint you by not liking you just "don't deserve you". You may not believe it but there may easily be any number of people feelign the same about you.
You deserve love/affection , all that, and its there, maybe around the next corner, maybe some time away. Live to the fullest every other aspect of your life and this one will then be a welcome surprise rather that something you "hoped" for constantly.

moridin

But isn't that, what makes dating fun? Take risks, see where it goes... often an emotional rollercoaster but when it pays off, its all worth it.

It's possible to have fun with someone, around someone, in the company of someone, without hopping into bed with them inside 3 mins

azezil

I didn't say anything about hoping bed with them, personally I wouldn't till I got to know them better, but I do meet a lot of guys... out of curiousity.

moridin

Hmm_Messiah wrote:

Hi !
*snip* lots of stuff from hmmmm/míse

Yup, lots of what you say is spot on.

I'd agree... talk to him... you'll probably be bloody nervous asking questions like that but if you ARE to have a relationship then you really do need to communicate, even if it's scary at times!

[/QUOTE]switch your thinking around so those people who disappoint you by not liking you just "don't deserve you". You may not believe it but there may easily be any number of people feelign the same about you.

This is a good idea also, however I'd be slightly more wary here... with thinking like this it could be easy to fall into arrogance from time to time perhaps :rolleyes:

damien

azezil wrote:

but I do meet a lot of guys... out of curiousity.

Is that what they're calling it now ?

atlantis

Ok because as theres a little confusion I'm goona make it clearer. The literal meaning of the word fun was only on the third mention of the word. The two before that included shifting, groping and a good bit more. But it doesn't matter now I found out the reason. He's now becoming "friends" with someone else. Would it have been so hard for him to tell me that?

Hmm_Messiah

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hmm_Messiah
Hi !
*snip* lots of stuff from hmmmm/míse



Mise ! That name almost seems from a different life, beforethe theft of my heart, life full of nice people though, if virtul and "evil"

Note to Self: you write tooooooooo much


Atlantis, men are b****u know the rest)

Boston

I honestly feel for you atlantis, I know what way my orginal post came off, but I'd like to make that point, I can't really say much more, It seems you where really into him and for a brief moment him you, and now it's gone. I doubt he knew when he started this that it would end like this,

solice

Move on, people who mess with your head like that aint worth a second look. He used you for whatever it is he wanted, got his thrill and for him thats that. I know its hard and if you were really into him it will take some time to get over it but are you left with any other choice.

Forget about him, people like that aint worth the hassle. Your knight in shining armour will come along soon

CaraNiTuathaill

Just been reading all the replies. Unfortunately Im older and wiser than most and have 'been there done that' in nearly every situation.

Just a word of advice (which I started following after I was f***d around by a few men) that I got from a wise woman and I will pass it on to you...

It may seem old fashioned now, but if someone really likes you and is not just after sex then they will wait and you should make them wait to see if that is the story. I always made them wait a month. And it worked you would know who just wanted a screw and who was really interested. And they really needed to be calling and asking you out in these 4 weeks.

It sounds to be like he dropped you like a hot snot once he got his *********
Anyway sorry to be so harsh but its a lesson learnt.
And I also know a lot of really nice guys who I have never been invovled with and been invovled with conversations and they just want to play the field for a while. Its nothing against you sometimes it s the chase and sometimes its numbers on the belt or people they've shagged they can brag about to their mates - and I've heard these conversations (even though I'm a girl I'm one of the lads)

Anyway be wise. You could be his intended. You never know. Dont ask!!!!!! For gods sake it only makes you look needy!!!! If you are able be friends, then do so, but only if you can say honestly that if you went out as friends the next time he came on to you, you would be strong enough to say NOOOOO!!!!!

I can guarantee you it would be a wake up call for him. and a chance foryou to throw back the 'were just friends' bit. So then hell have to make a decision. And what they cant have they want... but if he says ok then youll know it was only for a shag....

(by the way not being sexist there are women out there like that too - just seem to be more men.)

Any way hope this helps.

Any other advice - my referral fees can be applied

LOL

Your agony aunt
K

Hmm_Messiah

CaraNiTuathaill wrote:

Just been reading all the replies. Unfortunately Im older and wiser than most and have 'been there done that' in nearly every situation.
Anyway be wise. You could be his intended. You never know. Dont ask!!!!!! For gods sake it only makes you look needy!!!!


"Don't ask" is the older, wiser advice? Sorry would have to disagree with you there.

So many connections, between lovers, families, friends have been lessened, or let go off because people felt they were unable to ask sensitive questions, or express what was in their heart.

And as for making some one look needy; thats a possibility, but only with truly empty people who then would not matter to you anyways. Expressing concerns, looking for clarity simply meets a real need, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Folks are "needy" otherwise theyed never bother witht he compplicated relationship business. There is nothing wrong with letting some one know they are important to you.

There are times its vital and healthy to let people know you miss them, or you hurt.

moridin

Hmm_Messiah wrote:

Quote:

Mise ! That name almost seems from a different life, beforethe theft of my heart, life full of nice people though, if virtul and "evil"

I try not to be quite so evil nowadays, unless someone pisses me off...

@ the sig

to the OP: Yea, I think we all realised that you'd had 'fun', I hope you can work it out and don't get too hurt over the whole thing

azezil

CaraNiTuathaill wrote:

It may seem old fashioned now, but if someone really likes you and is not just after sex then they will wait and you should make them wait to see if that is the story. I always made them wait a month. And it worked you would know who just wanted a screw and who was really interested.K

I was seeing a guy, regularly for 3 weeks, he txt me daily... I didn't sleep with him, then some time around the 4th week he turned round and said "oh sorry I was just leading you on cause I wanted a shag".

So your little theory is flawed, some guys are just cúnts, waiting makes no difference.

segadreamcast

damien.m wrote:

it can go to heaven too Boston.

Oh honestly - if you keep up that kind of form, you could be the next Maeve Binchy.

damien

NoelRock wrote:

Oh honestly - if you keep up that kind of form, you could be the next Maeve Binchy.

Rich and always appearing like I'm on uppers ?

MisterKipling

hey, just read about your predicament with the guy who just kinda used you then suddenly became like a different person. I'm not saying that i'm right or anything but just wanted to give you a different perspective on what he may be thinking, i'm a psychology student and something that none of the rest of them seemed to hit on was, maybe this guy really likes u aswell, and he was scared as too how well you were getting on i.e. commitment. if he actually didnt like you at all i think he may have just cut communication with you because at the end of the day being friends is still a big deal; So look at it from a different angle and embrace that he just wants to be friends because there's nothing wrong with starting off as friends and letting it progress into much more........this is how we build healthy and constructed relationships. I'm sure its easy to say he was using you for sex and other things, but maybe he felt like it was going too quick and this is his way of slowing it down......Give it time, and make sure you let him do all the work.....you've certainly done your part by giving him what he wanted in the first place!! it takes two to tango (i know thats cheesy but its relavent) just sit back and take all views into consideration.

Hmm_Messiah

"i'm a psychology student and something that none of the rest of them seemed to hit on was, maybe this guy really likes u aswell, and he was scared as too how well you were getting on i.e. commitment"

nah definitely didn't cross any of our minds

"and make sure you let him do all the work.....you've certainly done your part by giving him what he wanted in the first place!!"

erm, thought you suggested what he may of wanted ,but feared ,was commitment, what the guy gave him was sex (Apparently irish word for ex is "fun") . A bit contradictory (lol sounds like a word to define lesbianism)


On another vein,
There was an anxious pyshe student who wrote a note on the end of her exam asking the lecturer to go easy on he cos "she was very Jung and a little Fruedened