Effect of Losing Loved Ones to Cancer.

LegacyUser

First off, i'm goin to ask for people in the similar situations to comment. after that, i'd like to hear what everyone else has to say.

I am a male in my twenties who comes from a very large extended family, my father comes from a family of 16 children, 9 boys & 7 girls. i also have over 50 first cousins on this side, and remarkably, we are all extremely close.

first off, when i was about 11 years of age, i lost an uncle of mine to cancer, obviously, this was a big shock to the whole family, but the nature of our family was to rally around each other for support, which kept us going until we were able to pick up the pieces after the loss.

Then, when i was in my 1st year at college, my aunt succumbed to a 3 year battle with cancer, again the nature of our family was the rock which kept us going.

it gets progressively worse, a 2nd uncle of mine contracted the disease, and while he was fighting a losing battle to the disease, a 3rd uncle then contracted pancreatic cancer, and within 1 1/2 months of each other they had died. again, not long after, a 1st cousin of my father passed away, also from cancer.

as you could guess, this was one of the worst years of our lives. but death it seems was not ready to leave us alone just yet. last year the oldest of my uncles died of a heart attack.

the only solace we had, was that we were so close, that when we were feeling down we would always be there for each other. unfortunately, this was not to be, last sunday at 6pm my father recieved a phone call to say that his nephew, my first cousin, and son to my aunt who died in 2001 was missing, the search was fruitless that night, so at first light the next morning, almost 70 people went out searching the local area, within two hours he had been found, alone in his car, engine still running.

the shock of his suicide is all the greater, as he has left a wife and three young kids behind him.

now i just don't know where to go from here, how do we pick up the pieces after this, it just seems so impossible. i am not even contemplating going down the same road as my cousin, but now i worry each night before i go to sleep that there is more of my cousins feeling the same desperation. how do we get back the link that we had, and will we ever be able to get over this loss?

Please help.

Bettyboop

First of all I symphatise with you.I lost my only friend,my sister over a year ago.I was devestated,6 mths previously my father whom I was the closest to passed away unexpectedly.My mother passed on 16yrs. ago lung cancer.Life will never be the same again,I dont find time makes it easier at all,there are times when I wonder what life is all about,I have thought of suicide,only once mind you,I had the car keys in my hand and got this mad rush to do it,I came to my senses after about 10 mins.But it was so real that feeling of just GO FOR IT. I never told my partner or my kids no one.I know people say bereavement councilling,and all these groups etc. but I PERSONALLY dont want to go down that road.Having so many deaths over a certain of years is Ifound quite common you arent alone.You never forget but the real hurt lessons and gradually you have to move on otherwise you will be in a permenant state of bereavement,it takes time to get over a death,and it differs from one person to another how long it takes could be years.But you do gradually move on.My sister was a very healthy person non smoker etc. she died of a brain tumour trying to keep a brave face on things for all them horrible months was hard.I drive the 2 hour journey home from her house where she eventually died in such a state that I could barely see the road.Then I would compose myself before I reached my dooorstep,Yes I kept my feelings to myself and cried alone.I had to keep myself together as I was supposed to be the strong one.Little did they know,when I went to work in the mornings again the tears would flow and again compose myself before I entered the business premises.But I feel better now I reached a harmony with myself.I just have to get on with things and take as long to greive as I feel it nesscessary,dont rush yourself the greiving processs is a long and hard one,you may need councelling and there are some great groups out there for you if you decide you need it,you have a family and thats great (I dont)you should express how you feel to them.Its not easy but you are not alone.
take care.

marshmallow

very sorry to hear these stories. it makes me sad
i can relate to some extent but not nearly as much tragedy. im really sorry to hear this. hope you learn to cope, as it will be hard. just keep in there and make something of your life. you will regret it if you dont. dont be afraid to let your feelings out, it sounds as if you have many people to talk to, which is good for you. hope things look up soon. best wishes and best of luck.

elainec

I’ve just arrived home after my father’s months mind mass. He died in February after a very strong battle with a brain tumour. While he and Mum, lived down the country my husband and I live in Dublin. We cared for him at home and he died in his own bedroom.

I want to know what the psychological effects of caring for someone at home is? We aren’t healthcare workers, had little support from the hospice in our hometown. Everything was a struggle and a battle. I would never say to my customers that we can’t help them due to resoursing issues but yet that’s the answer we got from the hospice home care team, day in day out.

We had massive support from our GP who explained that the most generous gift for my Dad was to care for him at home and that he wouldn’t have had that in the hospital or in a Hospice – (local hospice closed down of 4th January 2005 – so terminally ill patients were either cared for by family or admitted to the medical wards at the General Hospital)

I know that its part of the grieving process to be angry and I’m probably displacing it towards the Health Board as I’m so saddened by my Dad’s passing. However, I can take comfort in knowing that it was nature takings its course. How, awful, it must be to lose the first posters tragic loss of his cousin by suicide? To leave behind a young family – my prayers are with you all. You did say that you have a large and close knit family and please take comfort from them. Friends and family are what is important in this life. Nothing else matters.

All of us must face up to the very real reality of cancer. The stats are absolutely horrific – one in three of us will die from it. This makes it one of the biggest medical killers in modern times. This is our bubonic plague and the mismanagement of funds in the Health Service needs to be headline news again.

I take some comfort in the nine months we had caring for my Dad – he was a warrior to the end. If I’ve learnt anything from that great man, its to live each day as if it were your last – be kind and as he said four days before he died, “It will all become good in the end”.