The Choice

funky penguin

Eoin broke out into a cold sweat. He could feel his armpits beginning to moisten as his eyes darted left, right, left, right, attempting to find help with his decision, a clue to his dilemma. His mouth was as dry as cotton and swallowing only made it worse, producing a near audiable "gulp".
'Err..', he mumbled.
'Come on son, it's not too difficult is it?', chirrped his father. Eoin spotted a slight grin behind his dad's bushy beard and mustache, which, coupled with the man's round and pleasant face, gave Eoin a moment of comfort. This, unfortunately, was broken almost immediately by a loud rasp of a voice.
'Let's go! While we're young, ya git!', spluttered a spotty boy. It was Eoin's brother, Seán. He was sneering and making faces, hoping to provoke a reaction and get Eoin into trouble.
But Eoin was too emersed in a personnal, private hell to notice his older brother's taunts. This problem was aching his head to bursting point, and he felt only a miracle would save him.
A miracle, he thought, and his mind began to wander. He imagined a majestic Angel swooping to his rescue, staring down upon him with sparkling blue eyes and beautiful white wings. The angel tells Eoin the answer to his burden and leaves with a swift kick to Seán's head.
This thought made Eoin smile, which got an immediate reaction from his brother: 'What you laughin' at?', growled Seán with anger.
Eoin left his day dream and stared into Seáns watery grey eyes, worry now sweaping across him at the thought of a punch or two from the brute.
But, a voice of reason emerged as swiftly as Eoins Angel, ready for trouble.
'Sean', said thier mother in a calm voice,'let your brother choose in peace'. She turned her attention to Eoin, who smiled under her magical stare, emitting from powerful, and familiar blue eyes. 'Take your time dear.' Her voice was almost a whisper,' And don't mind your brother.'
With renewed vigour, but still cautious under his brothers scrutiny, Eoin set back to work. Suddenly, all was calm. All was clear.
He looked at the waitress.
'I'll have the chicken please'.


Eh, just a dramatised version of something I saw in a restaurant the other night. It's 2.00am in the morning and I felt like writing.

Any opinion is welcomed and I hope someone likes it.
At least one person

MojoMaker

I really liked this, and honestly didn't see the hook coming. Well done.

funky penguin

That really means alot to me. Thanks very much MojoMaker

MojoMaker

yw.

Definite potential there penguin. The Village magazine, among other publications, uses a lot of shorts just like this. Think about sending some stuff in to them sometime. Not saying you'll get in but worth a try, catchy little numbers like this fill space at random points in their paper regularly.

[Edit: does need some editing though]

funky penguin

You think so? Cheers

Hmmmm, well ive only really started writing, but i would like to start it full time (childrens writer). I'm going to go study english in ucd this september.

I might try it out (after editing of course ). Thanks for the positive input.

MojoMaker

Light editing - mainly spelling, but be conscious of every occasion where your tense wanders. I noticed a few slips from past to imperfect and one or two spots where it slipped from active (good) to passive (not as good). In other words watch where you use the word "was". It's a delicate and by no means hard 'n fast rule but it can register silently with a reader and, on occasions, detract from the consistency of the piece.

Where poetry pinches, prose should massage.

Piste

I liked it, short 'n sweet paragraphs like that are very entertaining.