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My first poem...

  • 22-03-2005 12:37am
    #1
    ShallowVision12
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1 ✭


    The end has come,
    The horses have rode
    On the dark night sky-
    Ablaze from the fire.

    Pitiful lives, praying.
    A false God, can save you now.
    Fear not for the world-
    Has come to an end.

    Earth in ruins,
    It is all over-
    I have not seen,
    For I do not believe.








    Well.. is it any good ?


Comments

  • #2
    reality
    Closed Accounts Posts: 90 ✭✭reality


    Its pretty cool, I like how short it is.


  • #3
    el_tiddlero
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 400 ✭✭el_tiddlero


    Yeah bring on the apocalypse baby!! anything that has the death of this planet at its heart has to be worth reading i reckon...


  • #4
    funky penguin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,352 ✭✭✭funky penguin


    I like the last couplet alot.
    It's really good considering it's your first poem.


  • #5
    MojoMaker
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,919 ✭✭✭MojoMaker


    "The horses have rode" had me fidgeting.

    "A false God can save you now" - struck me as a jack-in-the-box. Popped it's head up and served no real purpose. However turn it on its head and it makes more sense to me. Divine retribution smites the unbelievers.

    What do you think?


  • #6
    Zillah
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,371 ✭✭✭✭Zillah


    I like it but I feel it could do with a bit of a rewrite, specifically to make it a bit more cohesive. I also was uncomfortable at the line "The horses have rode".


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