To Ditch a 'Friend' - odd one I know.

Banjo013

Has anyone any advice on how best to deal with the above ?

I met this "friend" about 2 years ago. We had a minor fling for a few months, then reverted to just friendship.

Since then we've both been out with other people of course, there's no indication from either of us that we want anything more from each other and that's fine with me - just thought I'd put that out there for the record !

Thing is, she's such a weird friend. Never lets you know where you stand with her and always seems to want to come across as being the victim of something or other. She's generally a negative person and I'm always the one who seems to be the shoulder. Quiet an angry person inside too she is.

Just this evening I found myself councelling her - yet again - over the phone, because she was having trouble with her boyfriend of 6 months and wanted to know what I thought. Have told her a million times what I think, and she always just goes and does what she wants anyway regardless of what I say. To put an added dimension to this, I've never met the guy and I've not a shred of evidence that he really exists. I wouldn't be surprised to learn he is ficticious to be honest ... I really can't figure her out and never could.

I've often tried to gently coax her away many many times in the past. She always sticks around like a wart that just won't go away though.

Anyway, I'm real tired of her now, and wish she'd stop calling me about her numerous troubles - all of which are of her own making in reality. We're not kids either by the way - we're both late 20s ... beyond this kind of petty carry on in my view. To be honest I get nothing from this "friendship" ... she's always the one on the receiveing end of the advice. I've had enough !

So - what's the best way to give her the brush off, without pi**ing her off if possible ? Take the direct route and tell her all I've written here, or tell her I'm emmigrating to the Amazon or somewhere ?

Thanks !

seamus

Stop answering her calls. When she asks for advice, feign apathy, don't offer your advice. Pretty soon she'll stop trying to get it.

Gordon

Banjo013 wrote:

Have told her a million times what I think, and she always just goes and does what she wants anyway regardless of what I say.

That really annoys me, reminds me of an acquaintance of mine.

Just don't give her the attention she wants and try not to give in to the 'poor me' speeches and she'll naturally drift away to the desired distance.

StupidLikeAFox

or sorta poke fun at her, and make out they aint big deals.....

or just say ya dont really care and see what her reaction is......

Sleepy

Just don't go in for the whole "poor me" crap. Tell her things are her fault when they are and you'll soon be rid of her. Who knows, you might actually do her some good in the end!

Loco

yeah just dont answer the phone, they get the message eventually!

Wibbs

Yes I've had a few "virtual" girlfriends in the past. I've worn the T-shirt on this one. Waste of your time and hers.

In the end you're getting all of the bad with none of the good of the real thing. The real thing usually has little of the crap that comes with women "friends" like this. All you're doing is making up for the shortcomings in the men she goes out with.

And no, she's not a friend. I have women who are friends and they're no different to my male friends in how they behave towards me.

In the end you're facilitating her dependence on you. Next time she rings just say you've no solutions on offer. You've told her what you think. If she doesn't listen the first time why does she think repeating yourself will have any value?

Zillah

Oh God what a horrible situation. If you were a friend of mine I'd have been telling you all along to stop being so weak and get rid of her. If the ignoring her bit doesn't work, then simply tell her you have to move on, that she's only wasting your time. Be damned to helping her, people can't go through their lives taking responsibility for everyone else.

This reminds me of a girl I knew. She was constantly using me. She'd upset me, give me a few weeks to recover and then start contacting me again. I had feelings for her and she exploited that.

I ditched her by calling her "twisted" and telling her to clear off. I had to do it the messy way. Her last words to me were "I pity you." She was just a control freak.

Sleepy

Karsini wrote:

This reminds me of a girl I knew. She was constantly using me. She'd upset me, give me a few weeks to recover and then start contacting me again. I had feelings for her and she exploited that.

I ditched her by calling her "twisted" and telling her to clear off. I had to do it the messy way. Her last words to me were "I pity you." She was just a control freak.

Ah, that old "There's nothing I can justifiably say to let me keep my victim role here so I'll pretend to take the moral high-ground" nugget...

Truly only ever used by complete and utter gobshítes.

I don't know why I bother posting on here. I only get flamed half the time.

dearg_doom

Some of these responses are harsh to say the least...

She clearly isn't in a good place, maybe she has depression/anger management issues.

She trusts you, and all you've described in your post are cries for help.

Sounds inconvenient, I know, but some people just are.

You need to tell her you've recognised these signs and help her get some help. Maybe go with her to a GP even.

Honestly, it may sound odd, but when she gets her life back in order then she will be less likely to 'bother' you any more.

dearg_doom

Karsini wrote:

I don't know why I bother posting on here. I only get flamed half the time.

I think Sleepy was supporting you there.

Zillah

dearg_doom wrote:

I think Sleepy was supporting you there.

As do I, silly man.

Kell

Banjo013 wrote:

So - what's the best way to give her the brush off, without pi**ing her off if possible ?

Tell her to put up or shut up. I have two mates like that (not as bad) and I am tired telling them my opinion when they have asked for it. Now they get "dont moan at me. Do somthing about your situation, or do not. Either way I am tired of your bleating". Doesnt help them in the slightest but it will help you get rid of the warbling and retain your mate (if thats what you want)

K-

neuro-praxis

I think the ignore/brush off option is cowardly.

Tell her:

1) Friendship does not mean one person being used as a constant sounding board.
2) You are not comfortable being the person she constantly turns to, as it is too draining.
3) You don't feel that either of you are benefiting from the friendship.
4) You think the two of you should part the ways, and that you would prefer not to end it on bad terms. And ask her explicitly to stop calling you.

Be firm. Ignore her having a tantrum or turning on the tears. Don't be unkind, but do not give in. Suggest that she see a counseller about her emotional problems.

At this point, having explained what is going on and why, you are free to ignore her calls. She will probably be flabbergasted and hurt, so don't try to get your pound of flesh. Be honest, be kind, and leave. Don't let it turn into an all-night conversation.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

To the original poster, I can sadly say that I used to do this to a male friend of mine - similar situation as yours.

Thinking about it now, i am embarassed about it but I'll tell you how I copped on.

I would ring this friend (and I am still good friends with him now to this day-but I nearly wrecked it) all worked up, expecting him to, well you know I dont know what I expected from him actually.

I was a bit of a drama queen.

I used to relie on this guy alot if something would go wrong in certain parts of my life, especially relationships. He would also give me advice etc but I never once listened to him.

In the end, he told me that he couldnt cope knowing certain things anymore. He told me, "im your friend, i always will, but I cant take listening to you and your antics anymore. please no more texts and phone calls. I would prefer us not to talk if you keep doing this".

To be perfectly honest, I knew, absolutely knew, that what I was doing was wrong, but he never stood up to me and told me. People do know when they are taking advantage, no matter how vunerable you think a person may be.

so when he did, I wasnt too taken aback - bit miffed really that he had blew the whistle (yeah- girls! go figure!). I realised that this was a guy that I did genuinely care about and he was not worth loosing as a friend. so I got my act together and we are still the best of friends. I do know that if anything did go drastically wrong that I can always turn to him but not for little dramas and drama queen moments (that I have stopped doing also).

Since doing this also, I have to say that I have realised that I can cope with certain situations on my own, without going over the top (ok-there still can be moments when I loose the head.

If she genuinely wants to be friends with you and you still want to be friends with her, take the chance and tell her.

If you are at the stage where you dont really care anyway, you have nothing to loose.

WhiteWashMan

Banjo013 wrote:

self righteous contrite drivel

i think what you actually mean to say is that you are not this persons friend. i mean, if you were, you wouldnt have a problem with helping her out.

but since she wont sleep with you, you now find her boring and cant be arsed to listen to her problems.

why not just admit to her that you dont give a monkeys, and to stop talking to you, becuase really, you are only looking for a way to get out of the relationhip without you getting a guilty feeling of letting someone down.
but since you dont care, i dont know why you would be bothered, except that you have some sort of insecurity problem, and need to feel loved by people.

ditch her. she obviously trusts you. but she doesnt need 'friends' like you.

neuro-praxis wrote:

1) Friendship does not mean one person being used as a constant sounding board.

i didnt realise there were rules and boundries for friendship....
must look further into this.


theres a whole lot more id love to say on the orginal post, and to the majority of the replies, but right now, id get a perm ban for what i want to say.

Banjo013

To ForSure -

Thank you very much for your post - an insight like this is exactly what I'm looking for.

Anyway, haven't spoken to her all week which is odd. Only a matter of time before I hear from her again though I'm sure, so I'll be taking the ForSure approach when I do !

Thanks again !

neuro-praxis

WhiteWashMan, interesting response. You're fully entitled to your opinion, but having been on the receiving end of somebody who continuously overstepped the correct boundaries of reliance, I do understand what I'm talking about.

Maybe you're the type of person that rings somebody ten times a day for help and support and counselling, and to hell with what the person you're calling might be doing/feeling?

Sometimes it is necessary to just say no. You can give of yourself until you burn out, or you can draw a line. I prefer to draw a line if somebody is too blinkered to see the line for themselves. And you can do it kindly. But when your own life is suffering because of somebody else's repeated selfishness, it does them no good to pander to everything they want, and it certainly will do you no good.

WhiteWashMan

neuro-praxis wrote:

WhiteWashMan, interesting response. You're fully entitled to your opinion, .

WOOHOO!
you have no idea how long ive waited.....

neuro-praxis wrote:

Maybe you're the type of person that rings somebody ten times a day for help and support and counselling, and to hell with what the person you're calling might be doing/feeling?

um ok, putting me in the position of someone like that isnt really useful. i mean, now all i feel is frustration, anger and an overwhelming sense of futility that i need to rely on someone for so much, and that i cant get my act together. i also feel guilt at being so needy towards one person, but really, i dont know what to do about it?????!!!

maybe if i just ring and see....

neuro-praxis wrote:

Sometimes it is necessary to just say no. You can give of yourself until you burn out, or you can draw a line. I prefer to draw a line if somebody is too blinkered to see the line for themselves. And you can do it kindly. But when your own life is suffering because of somebody else's repeated selfishness, it does them no good to pander to everything they want, and it certainly will do you no good.

if that person is a friend, then you should have no problem telling them to stand on their own tweo feet. hell, what do think most of my posts are about?
not about solving someones problems, but trying to get people to solve their own problems. what good is to anyone if i solve their problems? they only come back next time! no,
after all, being a child of god yourself, youd understand...

give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fuish, and he will eat for a lifetime..'
see i did learn!

ah, anyway, i was angry this morning. now i dont give a monkeys. its been that kind of day.

by the way, i dont disagree with anything you say, but i also dont believe in creating limits to that friendship. each and every one is different, and each should be judged on their limits.

neuro-praxis

Well...agreed.

Emmo

sign her up with a log on for here, then she can get the attention she craves from lots of people who wont run out of patience (or when they do others will take their place!)

Emmo

Gordon

neuro-praxis & WWM I feel uneasy at you two agreeing with each other, please try harder to take opposing stances next time.
/universe implodes

WhiteWashMan

what do you mean.
im always wrong, and neuro agees with that

and she has nicer breasts than me. official.

Moriarty

Typedef her sister.

WhiteWashMan

Moriarty wrote:

Typedef her sister.

you want me to typedef neuro's sister?
hey nureo, you have a sister?

Moriarty

That could work too, yes. Does majd know about your extra-curricular typedeffing activities though?

Gordon

Wheesht you!

Back on topic.

WhiteWashMan

taking this back on topic, no she doesnt, so pipe down!