Cancelling a date

I think this needs a bit of explaining first.

I've been friends with a 19 year old girl (A) for 2 years now, we're just friends, nothing really more than that. A few weeks ago I had my eyes on a different girl (B) and I told A that I had my eyes on someone. B was older than me, so A replied "ooh, you like the older ladies huh?" and didn't seem to have any problem with it.
As things went, I chatted to B and told her how I felt, but she didn't feel the same way, fair enough, that's life. But I then noticed that A was acting really weird, she wasn't as chatty as usual, and I knew she was hiding something.
Earlier in the month I met up with her and asked her what was wrong. She was saying nothing at first, but then eventually confessed to fancying me. She admitted to being jealous that I liked someone else, and said she was afraid of ruining the friendship by telling me her true feelings. I always had feelings for her too but didn't make a move for the same reason as herself.


Ok, now here's the issue:

We arranged a night out, it was supposed to be tonight. She seemed to be planning a lot more than I expected, she texted me saying she'd let me "do anything" to her, and made it very obvious that she wanted to sleep with me afterwards. But two days ago she called me and told me she couldn't do it. She told me "don't be sad, we'll do it some other time. I don't know when." I asked her why, and she said "what if we go out and it doesn't work?" She also said she felt she wasn't ready for it.

I'm just wondering now, does "some other time" mean "never", or is she seriously concerned about ruining what we have together? I'm thinking that maybe the nerves just got hold of her in the days running up to it, but I can't read her mind so don't know for sure. My only problem is that now I know she feels the same I want to go out with her, but I don't want to rush her into it. What should I do in the meantime? I can't get her out of my head right now.

Kevin_rc_ie

in my highly unhelpful opinion, A sounds like a nutcase. she sounds like a virgin. does she usually act in such a weird way?
also, just because you're thinking about her a lot, and you like her, and you want to have sex with her, and your 19, it doesn't anyway mean that you guys should go out with each other.

caution.

Well she tells me she's had sex before. She also said she's sick of men that use her for sex. She says she sees me differently to others, I make her feel better about herself, and I could make a really good boyfriend for her.

As I said, she doesn't usually act weird, it was only after I told her about the other girl that she started acting differently. We were friends for two years before this.

WhiteWashMan

Karsini wrote:

I think this needs a bit of explaining first.

I've been friends with a 19 year old girl (A) for 2 years now, we're just friends, nothing really more than that. A few weeks ago I had my eyes on a different girl (B) and I told A that I had my eyes on someone. B was older than me, so A replied "ooh, you like the older ladies huh?" and didn't seem to have any problem with it.
As things went, I chatted to B and told her how I felt, but she didn't feel the same way, fair enough, that's life. But I then noticed that A was acting really weird, she wasn't as chatty as usual, and I knew she was hiding something.
Earlier in the month I met up with her and asked her what was wrong. She was saying nothing at first, but then eventually confessed to fancying me. She admitted to being jealous that I liked someone else, and said she was afraid of ruining the friendship by telling me her true feelings. I always had feelings for her too but didn't make a move for the same reason as herself.

all well and good here.

Karsini wrote:

We arranged a night out, it was supposed to be tonight. She seemed to be planning a lot more than I expected, she texted me saying she'd let me "do anything" to her, and made it very obvious that she wanted to sleep with me afterwards. But two days ago she called me and told me she couldn't do it. She told me "don't be sad, we'll do it some other time. I don't know when." I asked her why, and she said "what if we go out and it doesn't work?" She also said she felt she wasn't ready for it.

thats fair enough, shes sounds as if shes being honest with you.

Karsini wrote:

I'm just wondering now, does "some other time" mean "never", or is she seriously concerned about ruining what we have together? I'm thinking that maybe the nerves just got hold of her in the days running up to it, but I can't read her mind so don't know for sure. My only problem is that now I know she feels the same I want to go out with her, but I don't want to rush her into it. What should I do in the meantime? I can't get her out of my head right now.

i think you should stay in touch, ask her out, talk to her, and continue as if she is your mate, until she has cleared her little head.
and i think you shoudl tell her exactly what you have said here.

just coz shes a gurl, doesnt mean she doent have a clue what her brain is doing

Crash

my advice? tell her you want to go out with her but want to take it slow.

Kevin_rc_ie

hmm.

i don't think you should lie. how do u think you feel about her? try and understand that how you think you feel about her may not be the same as how you actually feel about her? tell us the truth, how important is having sex with her for you? is she really so insecure that your relationship could get even more fukked up? i think you should ignore what's been said on this thread, and paradoxially, both ignore and take my advice and stop reading this thread and totally rely on your own instincts to deal with this issue.

elivsvonchiaing

If you really still feel for you should do the following...tell her you are finished with A) and still really want to be friends. Pour your heart out to her - if you can work it out. I'm just sayin' this is what I did years ago.

And if yer truthfull - this could work - no hints on what to say - ye have to be honest man! :cool:

vibrant

Karsini wrote:

I'm just wondering now, does "some other time" mean "never", or is she seriously concerned about ruining what we have together? QUOTE]

Yes. To me, it sounds like she fancied you, then got over her crush and is trying to let you down easy.

@vibrant

@vibrant:
Well she said she liked me for a long time, not sure how she'd get over it now.

@elivsvonchiaing:
I'd never have a chance with B I think, lol. Don't think I'd ever try asking her again, couldn't get myself to do it.

@Kevin_rc_ie:
This isn't about sex (at least for me anyway). I'm not planning to go out with her for the sole reason of getting her into bed. She's been a good friend to me and I'd enjoy her company in any way.

marshmallow

i dont know much about relationships but it sounds like to me that you care about A and would do what she wants. (in terms of taking it slowly). just talk to her about it and if you both want a relationship go for it, otherwise don't ruin a friendship and just stay as friends.

vibrant

Karsini wrote:

@vibrant:
Well she said she liked me for a long time, not sure how she'd get over it now.

Well, perhaps she met somebody else?

You're not going to know for sure what has happened unless you both sit down and talk about it...

Kevin_rc_ie

Well she said she liked me for a long time, not sure how she'd get over it now.

well that's the nature of XX

TattyTeddy

I reckon she regrets saying the "you can do anything" thing as she prob had second thoughts and is nervous that you'll just use her for sex.

Umm, something weird is going on here. She hasn't replied to any of my messages today or yesterday so I assumed she might be out of credit. But I tried calling her this evening and she hung up on me, didn't even let it ring out.

Something is certainly wrong here...

StupidLikeAFox

dont suffocate her, give her time to think, dont get too pushy like

Duckjob

TattyTeddy wrote:

I reckon she regrets saying the "you can do anything" thing as she prob had second thoughts and is nervous that you'll just use her for sex.

Second that.

OP, if she really likes you a lot, she's probably panicing about giving you the wrong impression of her, and fearing that it will lead to her being your f*ck buddy.

Drop her a text saying that you think a lot of her, and you'd just like to go out and spend some time with her.

Zillah

As difficult as it might be, leave her alone completely for two or three days. If she's doesn't contact you during that time then try her again. The worst thing you can do is A) Pressure her Seem needy.

We got in touch earlier today to chat about things. It didn't go well at all. She told me first that she wants us to remain friends, but apparently she spent Friday night with someone else. That really hurt me to hear her say that and I ended up calling her a slapper, which got me a slap in the face.

So now I'm thinking we're probably finished, as friends also. Maybe she was right to keep her feelings quiet.

Fanny Cradock

What a mess. sorry to hear that mate.

Don’t understand her reasoning with the whole " i fancy ya, but actually, let’s just be friends".

You should both take some time out, cool down a bit. if you still think its worth while after your respite, you should explain your actions to her, i.e. why you got so pissed off .... coz you feel the same etc, etc... You never know, she may be touched!!

As a matter of interest, if the initial girl (A uhhhh, or was that B?) had of said YES to you, yet your friend still revealed her feelings, what would you have done? if the answer is that you would have done nothing (with your mate), then is it then really worth pursuing a relationship now?

D

Since the whole slapper incident, you were wrong to call her that even if it did hurt you, I'd apologise for calling her that. Then you need to tell her something along the lines of, im being vague here:

" Listen things have been said that can't be unsaid. I still like you, especially as a friend, we really need to sit down and talk about where we stand."

YrdnasiM

This is what more than likely has occured, and it's not what you expect, so because of this I will show you little clues as to why my theory has foundation.

This whole situation surfaced when you showed more than normal interest in a paticular girl, you said "you had your eye on her".

The girl who was your friend, automatically assumed you were atleast slightly attracted to her and she was right. When it came up that you had this larger than normal infatuation with another girl, it made her think what is wrong with me?

And a minor possibly the fact that she jokingly asked you "So you have a thing for older women?" and I assume you answered with a joke "Yes". This could have possibly made her feel disqualified in your attraction books and given her even more incentive to question your attraction to her.

So she decided to put her mind at ease and see if you were one of her supplicants or not. She dressed up the invite with the "you can do anything to me" (I'm not positive about this now however) to sweeten the deal and reduce the chances of refusal, possibly not though. And well you took the bait and she immediately lost the interest, because you were back to being one of her ego cushions.

Many will deny this, but the simple fact that all this happened when you showed interest in another woman is a huge giveaway.

This girl has allways known or atleast assumed that you were attracted to her, and she liked that.

melekalikimaka

jeez this thing is messy, i couldn't deal with that crap at all, fair play to you

valentino

YRD is on the money mate .. unfortunately

This is what happened.


1. She knew you liked her somewhat

2. You let it slip that you liked someone else more

3. Her ego was damaged that you might like someone else more
so she decided to test you

4. You failed the test

5. Reason she's not answering is she knows you failed the test.


Women act like this all the time, its an ego thing, i wouldnt take it
too personally ..

Here's what you should've done

1. When she cancelled on you, you should've said "Cool, sure we can do
it another time"

2. She'll wonder why you were so offhand

3. You keep your distance.. means No calls, no emails, limited contact

3. She asks you out again in a few weeks

4. She doesnt cancel this time

5. You play it totally cool..

6. If you feel like it you can score her on YOUR OWN terms

There's a whole lot more detail i havnt gone into but this is the
classic case of a girl trying to see how much they can get away with
while simultaneously playing games with your feelings..

Believe me this happened me and i can spot it a mile away..

charba

Not all girls play games, and this idea of a test is probably very wrong. She may not have realised that she had feelings for this him until he told her he liked someone else. This kinda thing always happens.
b) told him that she liked him, and then decided that if she did go out with him it would ruin their friendship baring in mind that she probably decided that their friendship was important to her.

therefore yes he should limit contact a bit but not excessively, he still wants to let her know that he likes her but that he understands that she needs time to adjust to thhis new idea of a deeper more meaningful relationship.

YrdnasiM

charba wrote:

Not all girls play games, and this idea of a test is probably very wrong. She may not have realised that she had feelings for this him until he told her he liked someone else.

Nobody is saying all girls play games. Do you? You seem defensive.
And she didnt realise? No, waffle, she was just content with the idea of having him fancy her.

Anyway....

charba wrote:

This kinda thing always happens.
b) told him that she liked him, and then decided that if she did go out with him it would ruin their friendship baring in mind that she probably decided that their friendship was important to her.

therefore yes he should limit contact a bit but not excessively, he still wants to let her know that he likes her but that he understands that she needs time to adjust to thhis new idea of a deeper more meaningful relationship.

Im sorry but this is Soap opera garbage. People who are interested in each other, generally are very willing to sacrifice a friendship for more.

If you say its to protect the friendship should the romance go sour, that is also waffle. Because the friendship is more than likely damaged from the refusal of romance in the first place.

Here I made a simple diagram to illistrate my point.

http://members.boards.ie/yrdnasim/relationship-tree.JPG

charba

me play games? No, I'm very honest when it comes to my feelings for someone.

I understand what you are pointing out in the diagram but it isn't always true. I have in the past refused to go out with friends because I don't want to ruin a good thing and the friendship has stood the test of time.
and on the other hand when I have dated friends it also has turned out ok because we realised the friendship was better than a relationship.