i feel unwanted,

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and myself have been seeing each other since January of last year. We have had an amassing time together and I love him dearly.

He thinks love is bullsh!t. (he doesn’t relate to emotions very well) he acts as though he loves, gets jealous and protective. Doesnt want me to leave. Wants the best for me.ect. Anyway as the months have gone on he has asked me and my child to move in with him and his family (my home life isn't the best). I didn’t want to burden his family with me and my child and all our bits. They (my child and him) get on very well together.

We got pregnant and because neither of us could deal with another child emotionally or financially, we opted to have an abortion.

With in days of the procedure we regretted it and both had fallen in love with the idea of a baby. (Not practicalities)

Since the abortion I have been very teary and emotional. He seems to get angry and wants to escape (Xbox! I hate thee). This happens allot.

We don’t seem to communicate as well as before, and I feel unwanted and disgusting. Our sex life seems still quite strong apart from now he gets "tried" allot of the time.

This may sound silly but since I met this guy I have been able to feel when something is going on good or bad.
I pick up on emotions and vibes very easily and often.

My question is what can I do?
I’m all over the place,
I think I may be depressed.
I love him so much but there are days that he treats me like dirt. (The way he speaks to me)

what to do??

Sleepy

Talk to him about it.

Bottle_of_Smoke

^ exactly, maybe summarise what you just wrote in a letter to him

Beruthiel

you have to talk to him, there is no way around that.
go out together for a night if ye can, find somewhere nice and quiet, have a drink and an honest heart to heart talk

LegacyUser

i have tried talking he ends up getting angry and going away. on sunday we met up for the day and went for a meal. and all he talked about where his plans to leave this country...

Beruthiel

unwanted wrote:

i have tried talking he ends up getting angry and going away....

how do you approach him?
if you come across as accusing him then he will get defensive, if you use the term “I feel” then it doesn’t have the same effect and perhaps he will be more likely to listen.

pickarooney

It's very hard to "get" anyone to talk, pressing the issue may just have the oposite effect.

LegacyUser

my usual aproach is..

me=can we talk?
him=sure whatever?
me=is there anything up? are you ok?
him=ye fine

this goes on for a bit.

then he just keeps on brushing everything off

when i tell him i love him he says its bullsh!t, when i say that i feel really down and would like to talk it through he gets angry and tells me to forget about it, that theres nothing to talk about.

anything i say gets a whatever or fine or whatever you like.

his texts have gone from long i'm mad about us type texts to "K" "FINE" "IF YOU WANT"

i ask him if he wants to see me now and i try not to push myself on him too much, i'm tring to back off and give him space.

its so crazy.. i'm just a bag of nerves and i'm waiting for a bomb to go off inside him...

Zillah

The fact that he thinks love is bullsht could be two things.

1- He's had a lot of very bad sh1t in his life which has destroyed the idea of such happiness
2- He's been hurt before and now is defensive against it. (If you never love someone then they can't hurt you right?)

Oviously any real world situation is gonna be more complicated than that, but I think it's a decent basis.

Why do you love him?

It might sound like a hostile question but I think you should run through your head the reasons why you love him. If those reasons no longer out weigh the bad things then its time to move on.

Personally, I could never ever have a relationship with soemone that ever said something so terrible as "love is bullsh1t". They wouldn't have to be head over heels for me, but I'd have to know they at least have the capacity for it.

EDIT: typo

Wibbs

If you don't mind the question, is it only since the abortion that he's changed towards you?

You said that both of you regretted it soon after and you've felt teary since. It's possible that his way of dealing with it is to withdraw. Maybe he doesn't want to discuss your relationship because it might bring up regrets that he would rather try to ignore.

He did want you and your child to move in with him so he seems committed to you, so regardless of what he may say about love he appears to care about you and your child.

If it's difficult for him to open up to you, is there a mutual friend or family member that could help?

Santa Claus

I'd imagine it's perfectly natural to be teary and emotional since the abortion.
My sister went through the same procedure several years back and she felt just as you described.
Did you get any kind of counselling after the procedure ? I know my sister did and she said it helped her a lot.
Off the top of my head I know from looking at CURA website that they offer post abortion counselling (1850 62 26 26), If nothing else it may help you to come to terms with your fellings from having had the procedure.


As Wibbs said, perhaps you boyfriend is going through some kind of grieving process himself as a result of the procedure and withdrawing from you or venting anger at you is his way of dealing with it.
It seems he loves you and your son from what you've said and he probably got caught up in the idea of having a child with you.

Perhaps his being "tired" is just because he's afraid that you'll both end up having to make a similar decision again sometime. Is there someone he could talk to about all this ?

Talliesin

Santa Claus wrote:

Off the top of my head I know from looking at CURA website that they offer post abortion counselling

Then you'd need post-CURA counselling. The last thing anyone needs is CURA ****ing with their head.

Nevyn

Cura are you mad , first thing they try get a girl/woman to do is say how wrong and evil what they did was.

The ifpa have postabortion counselling
http://www.ifpa.ie/services/postabort.html
and so to the well woman centres
http://www.wellwomancentre.ie/councilling.html

Both are very happy to deal with couples, and if you are not in dublin can refer you to some one near you .


You were pregant even for a short while your body had started the chemical
process of creating a baby/fetus inside of you, and now you are not pregant any moe, so you body has to adjust back.
These adjustments are all chemical/horrormoanal in nature so getting down
is part of the phycallity of having a termination.
Plus now matter how right the choice may have been for where you both
were in your lives you will grief for what you have chossen not to have.

It may be that the whole thing was a lot harder for the both of you to bear
esp with all the secrecy that goes with your choice your partner may find it
hard to deal with what he is feeling and does not want to burden you with it.

You may have to move on with your life with out him; that will seem really
really hard esp after what you have gone throug. But you have to take the new life that you created for yourself with your choice and make the most of it.

Good luck to you.

Evil Phil

Maybe you shouldn't ask him how he is or if anything is wrong with him and put the focus on you for a bit.

Can we talk for a bit? Sure, whatever. Well I'm miserable and here's why.

LegacyUser

Hi again, thank you for your suggestions.. Sorry it’s a long one

I haven’t gone to counselling just yet, I was 17-8 weeks gone and had a bump, I was even looking at clothes. (Still do) I just could see myself being able to give two children the lifestyle I want to give them. My child is in school and after school day care. I work Monday to Friday. And live with my parents. (I cannot afford to get a place on my own)

He was always an anti love person. His parents marriage failed when he was two, his mum then went through a line of nasty boyfriends eventually become (or coming out as) a lesbian.

His father (whom he lives with now) has gone from troubled relationship to troubled relationship. He cheats and finds this normal and ok.

His past relations haven’t been great the longest he was with someone was 6 months his last long term (6 month) relationship ended badly 2 years ago which left him drinking for a year sleeping around and hating women. I was the first woman that he stopped drinking excessively for (something I never asked him to do)

We have been seeing each other for over a year, now it’s the longest relationship I’ve ever had. I also come from a line of bad relationships. One was physically abusive, I vowed never to get into anything like that again which I haven’t but what I did fine out is there are other forms of abuse. I had a very low regard for myself, I was suicidal when I was a young teenager12-5 I was also very depressed and when I was in a certain relationship he seen my vulnerable and played on it. I was left with hardly any confidence. After a year by myself I went to self-defence classes and bettered myself. He accepted who I was trying to be and he found the old me and brought her t life again

My feelings for him or why I love him are this---

No one has ever made me smile so much. I am happy when I am with him, when my days are dull and sh!tty I think of him and they seem so much better.
He treats me well and thinks I’m beautiful.
When my emotions of angry and fear are so overwhelming all he needs to do is hold me tight and kiss my head and things feel right again.
He accepted who I was trying to be and he found the old me and brought her to life again.

The bad doesn’t come close to the good, its just lately there is more “bad” from him then ever before. We would rarely row. We nearly always would be happy (something he said to me recently)
But now it’s happening more often. Weekly since the abortion. Maybe he is grieving. In his own special way

Beruthiel

unwanted
you both have been through a lot and I think that it would do you both good to see a professional

No one has ever made me smile so much. I am happy when I am with him, when my days are dull and sh!tty I think of him and they seem so much better.
He treats me well and thinks I’m beautiful.
When my emotions of angry and fear are so overwhelming all he needs to do is hold me tight and kiss my head and things feel right again.
He accepted who I was trying to be and he found the old me and brought her to life again

have you told him this?
if not, you should.

Maybe he is grieving. In his own special way

that would be my guess, which is why he needs to talk to someone about it.

Santa Claus

Thaed wrote:

Cura are you mad , first thing they try get a girl/woman to do is say how wrong and evil what they did was.

I didn't mean to appear to be advocating cura. I just felt she needed counselling and they were the first hit I got when i did a google for post abortion counselling.

WhiteWashMan

i think you should suggest that you want to go to a councillor, and you want him to come along with you, and then hopefully get him to go to councelling on his own.

he sounds angry and frustrated, and is unsure of how to deal and cope with what has happened both in his previous life, and more recently, the things you have both gone through. the fact that i think he has had issues before your recent experience show in the way he is unable to express his feelings, and it all just comes out as frustration and anger.

ive been in a very similar situation, and i was your boyfriend. i was angry and i was frustrated and i was unable to talk about my emotions, i thought love was stupid because i saw nothing in it for me, and all i saw was how people who loved got hurt.

but you know, i went to councelling for a while. and after a while i enjoyed it. i ended up in tears nearly ever single session, but it was worth it.
if you really feel this way about this guy, then thats great, but you need to help him get the help he needs, and while youarre at it, have a chat yourself.

but dont lit this stigmatism that councelling is for 'losers' who cant cope. it isnt. its for people who want to help themselves. it will make both of you smile again

Loco

sounds like hes bored with you

call it a day and find someone more enthusiastic about a relationship!

Wibbs

Sounds like he's bored with her and she should call it a day??? Re read her posts and come back when you can formulate more helpful advice.

To the OP(ur not unwanted BTW), I'd say Beruthiel and Whitewashman's last posts say it best IMO.

WWM's advice regarding councelling and his personal experience with it should hopefully allay your fears and help you and your boyfriend try it out.

May I add my own best of luck to you.

Crucifix

He sounds alot like me.
I think the most important thing is for you to deal with yourself first. IMO, you shouldn't try and help him if you're on shaky ground emotionally.

GuanYin

Mercury_Tilt wrote:

This post has been deleted.

Well I'm gonna say you're on the losing side here.

Poking fun at PI posters is not something I can easily claim to be blameless of, but you don't take the chance of heaping guiltrips on someone who indicates they have a history of depression. There's always a chance that PI posts are trolls, but when you have scenarios like this, its a big chance to take and I know I wouldn't want to risk it.

galwaydude

mercury tilt i dont know you but cop onto yourself, something like that is not needed here on boards.I didnt exactly see the message myself but can just imagine whats was aid.She may be a troll but then again she may be a real person and if so shes in a lot of pain.
To the original poster wish all the best for u and your partner, counselling sounds like the best thing for your situation.

GuanYin

Unwanted wrote:

Maybe he is grieving. In his own special way

More thank likely you have hit the nail on the head.

Listen, you've done something alot of people in more stable situations don't do and you have acknowledged (wether intentionally or not) that both of you are together in the situations ("we got pregnant").

As such, he is going to feel the fallout everybit as much as you. Now, you've already said he doesn't relate well and thats probably why he's the way he is.

When most people are down, they need consoling from a loved one. Often, when deeply introverted people need consoling, they find themselves unable to relate to loved ones and then resent them for not being able to provide the consolation needed. They don't mean to be this way and it doesn't mean they feel less for their partner.


To be honest, the only ways out of this are the long shot or the sensible route.

The longshot is to try open a dialogue of total honesty with your partner. Letters are often the best way, you've already shown that writing things down (like in your post) helps you get your feelings out (this is VERY common and one of the main reasons for the success of the net and chat systems, its easy to write your thoughts in a diary, its great when your diary offers an anonymous dialogue). It will all be down to how he can cope with it and it could be long, arduous and frustrating.


The sensible road is to book three councelling sessions. One for you, one for him and one for both of you (no, I'm not a councellor trying to drum up work ). All the contact numbers you need should be on a sticky in the forum. Its embarassing and as was pointed out before, there is a HUGE stigma attached, but if you want to make it work, its the best thing you can do.

LegacyUser

its far from troll.

its an issue thats killing me inside, i tried talking to him and we ended up "going on a break"

these always leead to disaster, he called me a c.u.n!t and a moan because i keep on bring sh!t up. stuff thats in the past. he doesnt want to deal with someone with bagage!!


'm at a loss for words.. i feel so empty...i think i mighht end it... save him the greif!

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

We are over. He feel's that he's hurt me, which is true he has hurt me allot.
We went on a break and ended up seeing each other. As I was leaving to go home he told me that we are best at just being friends. He will always be there for me, but it’s all too much for him. He wants space and wants to slut about.

He said after a time if our feelings are still there that maybe we can try it again,

"If we only waited a few years, it would have been all so different"

He kissed me held me and said goodbye to me.

WhiteWashMan

ah, hes shouldering the blame. you always know when a person shoulders the blame, they are trying to get the other person to see them in the worse possible light, to make the break up much easier.

it looks like its time to move on...

Evil Phil

That's terrible, sorry for your trouble. Try to look on the bright side though, in time you'll find the best possible relationship and you'll be as happy as can be.

LegacyUser

shouldering the blame?

It was easy, I'm not angry with him nor do i dislike him, silly me I still love him. I get down allot and i also tend to talk about my feelings at any point when I feel i need to.. Stuff just comes out, even if I'm in great form, if it pops into my head i say it(after a moment of thought).

"For he was my first true love I wish for the day that he is my last, with many happy day's inbetween."

he was my friend at first and then he was my lover, just because he was both it doesn't mean he cannot go back to being the first...can it?

WhiteWashMan

unwanted wrote:

shouldering the blame?

ok, an assumption on my part, but admitting that hes hurt you look s like that. he is trying to take the pain of a break up away from you, but making you blame him, but at the same time, hes saying there could be a chance you will get back together, and thus hes really just alleviating the guilt that he feels for wanting to break up.
whether there is guilt to be handed out, is something completely different and as such is not part of this disucssion

unwanted wrote:

It was easy, I'm not angry with him nor do i dislike him, silly me I still love him.

and you know, thats not a problem. as for the silly you, well if thats sarcasm, i dont know. of course you still love him. he breaks up with you, do you think you will just stop having feelings? i dont think anyone would expect you to not care and not love.

unwanted wrote:

. I get down allot and i also tend to talk about my feelings at any point when I feel i need to.. Stuff just comes out, even if I'm in great form, if it pops into my head i say it(after a moment of thought).

youre a woman. this is how woman deal with things. they talk about them. this si where men and women differ. men only talk about something when they want an opinion or they want a suggestion on how to fiux things.
women talk, becuase thats just their way of dealing. they dont want opinions or fixes, just to talk. men will offer advice. women dont want advice. men get frustrated becuase they see themselves as failures for not being able to solve womens problems. they get defensive and a row ensues, all becuase men and women cant communicate, and so we go around on the big wheel of relationships

you should be able to talk. your partner should listen to you. why would you ever want to be with someone who wont even listen to you? after all, its how you fix yourself. do you need to be with someone so selfish, that they wont even listen to you, no matter what ol rubbish a person spouts?

unwanted wrote:

he was my friend at first and then he was my lover, just because he was both it doesn't mean he cannot go back to being the first...can it?

its often how a relationship starts.

but tell me, what do you think about going back to friends? what about when he starts dating other women? how important is his friendship?
and why? (and dont live in the past, i want an honest explaination abotu why you should remain friends at this stage)