What to do?

*adele*

what should i do?my mom went into hospital yesterday and I know im old enough to take care of myself but Im having all the responsiblilitys piled on me.
i have to make sure my SIXTEEN year old sister behave!
All my dad is doing is constantly saying "Youre mother is now goin under the knife and all you care about is yourself" Im really fed up

Zulu

how old are you?

...just behave as your mum would want you to behave.
Clean up after yourself and you'll be fine.

*adele*

Im 14.But its getting to me how hes using her as an excuse to guilt me into doing all the work

Zulu

It's a hard time alright, but try to be strong. Your dad is probably nervous - remember your mum is his wife, so he could be stressed. Best thing to do is just try and keep the peace for the time being.
Try not to worry about your 16 year old sister. Take care of yourself.

Hope your mum makes a speedy recovery.

*Page*

listen sweety its not up to you if your big sister cant look after herself(i've an older sister i still try to baby her it just wont work)
i'm sorry to hear that your mum's ill but remember that your dad is her partner and he loves her alot(they have probablyy been together along time) he's worried. reasure him that you are fine and that he's doing a great job.

everyone is going to on egde just remember that you can take care of yourself and do that! look after yourself.

*adele*

Yeah i suppose i forgot that its as hard for him as for me..maybe i should ease up..

Squirrel

I've been through this before, just my dad, not mam. The best thing to do is do what you have to and then just stay out of peoples way, everyone is nervous and could just flip at any time, so its best to leave them be, maybe offer your dad a cup of tea every once in a while, and most importantly, keep yourself busy, keep your mind off it. I hope she gets better soon

jezza

look you are only 14. Your 16 yr old sister should be looking after you not the other way around, as for your daddy, hes the adult, dont let him guilt trip you to take all the responsibility, remind him your stilla minor (parents use this the whole time when you wanna go out or drink or something) then keep your own space tidy so they cant complain. Sorted .
Hope your moms alright too.
Jessie

*adele*

Thanks,So far Ive had about 10 fights with him today and my sister just fúcks off and leaves a mess then he flips at me telling me to clean it up and i shout back at him thats its not my mess and why should i clean it when my sister just gets to go out and do nothing and then he just guilts me its ridiculous.

And in school my sister went home "sick" the pulled the whole "i came home to help out"then later in school i really did feel sick but wasnt allowed home because my sister had already been collected.Shes also skipping work pulling the whole tear jerker act with her boss and i feel like the adult in this situation:rolleyes:

AND i still have to worry about my mam

jezza

your mom is being taken care of, tell your dad your not a maid and he doesnt make your sis clean up after herself then hire her a maid. Thats not on though, did you not try the tears yourself?? tell him that you'll clean up after yourself but thats about it. and is your mom expected to clean up after everyone? if not then why should you be?
Jessie

*adele*

Youre so right but everytime i try aand tell him that im only 14 and i shouldnt have to do all the work he guilts me and then i end up doin it,its so stupid

jezza

Dont let him, tears always work with dads, trust me.
Put your foot down and say no, whats wrong with 'enter sisters name' did she lose power of her hand or something and if he says your moms under knife or what ever just ask how that is your fault or say exactly, thats why we should all pull our weight.
Jessie

*adele*

Thanks very much,I just lost it properly and told him that im fúcking fed up of doing everything and that my sister's being a lazy shít and then he tried the guilt card and i told him that i knew perfecty well what was happening to her and theres no need for him to make it harder for me than it already is..etc.He shut up

jezza

Good woman!
proud of ya!!

Ba_barbaraAnne

*adele* wrote:

Youre so right but everytime i try aand tell him that im only 14 and i shouldnt have to do all the work he guilts me and then i end up doin it,its so stupid

You're family is really going through a bad time, adele. I know it's difficult when everyone must be worried about your mum, and how to manage without her, but hopefully it won't be for long.

Have you tried to sit down with your dad and your sister and explain to them that you can't take over your mum's role by yourself and that the three of you should sort out the priorities and divide the chores between you? Everyone should be well able to tidy up after themselves, and as long as there is food on the table, clean clothes and a reasonably tidy house, nothing else really matters except that your mum gets better, you all get to work/school and to go to visit her in hospital.

If this isn't possible, just do whatever you feel your mum would want you to do, try not get into rows with your dad, and use homework or whatever as your excuse not to do any more work.

*adele*

:) im happy now thanks!I just hope he remembers that im not going to put up with all that

Squirrel

Just relax, your mum will hopefully be fine very quickly. If you can, talk to your friends, they will help you, and tell your sister to help out, don't take no for an answer, you are goin through the exact same as her

*adele*

Ba_barbaraAnne wrote:

You're family is really going through a bad time, adele. I know it's difficult when everyone must be worried about your mum, and how to manage without her, but hopefully it won't be for long.

Have you tried to sit down with your dad and your sister and explain to them that you can't take over your mum's role by yourself and that the three of you should sort out the priorities and divide the chores between you? Everyone should be well able to tidy up after themselves, and as long as there is food on the table, clean clothes and a reasonably tidy house, nothing else really matters except that your mum gets better, you all get to work/school and to go to visit her in hospital.

If this isn't possible, just do whatever you feel your mum would want you to do, try not get into rows with your dad, and use homework or whatever as your excuse not to do any more work.

yeah im gonna try not fight with him because it isnt helping the situation at all

*adele*

But shes handling it alot better than me and she seems to be not weighed down at all by it and i feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and everythings falling

I went to visit her but as soon as i walked into the ward i felt sick and i had to play happy families for her because she doesnt need any more problems and it would all be easier if we could all just do the same at home rather than having it all on me

tinkerbell

Well girly, you're just gonna have to stand up for yourself. You're only 14, your sister is 16 and she's acting like a spoiled selfish brat. Tell her to clean up her own mess. If your dad starts putting a guilt trip on you, tell him that it ain't your mess, you ain't anybody's slave, and just walk off. Not worth getting into a screaming match over.

It is totally unfair on you that you've to put up with this crap as well as having to go through the pain of knowing your mom's going for an operation. Your dad has got to stop acting like a muppet, he may be really worried about your mom, but that doesn't give him the right to turn you into Cinderella, while your sister swan's around.

Speak up for yourself, clean up after yourself, do your bit of tidying up the house (don't do it all), when your dad gives out about "why is this dirty dish left on the table", say it ain't your problem - you've done your part, so someone else should do theirs.

Best of luck girly, you've enough to deal with than having to put up with this annoyance as well.

*adele*

Thanks very much im gonna try standing up for myself from now on but i dunno,its hard coz my dads not takin it so well(my mam being in hospital)and i dont want to maake more problems for him

But school isnt easy either because i didnt get my homework done yesterday because i was visiting my mam for ages then my dad forgot to wake us in the morning and i woke up at half eight and i had to get my sister up 2 and then forgot about homework and got in trouble

tinkerbell

I'm sure if you got your dad to give the principal a call, then they'd understand. Considering your mom's in hospital, they'll surely be understanding on not getting homework done on time. Tell them that you'll do your best to catch up when you can, but at the moment coz you've got to visit your mom, etc., you haven't been able to get it done.

I know your dad probably isn't taking it well, but you still need to sit down and talk to him about it. You aren't causing more problems by talking about it. If you bottle it up, you're unhappy coz your mom's sick but you're also unhappy coz your sister ain't pulling her weight and you're getting all the stick for everything that goes wrong in the house.

You'll be a lot better off if you call a family meeting type thingy with your dad and sister. Write out the stuff you want to say and then when you have the meeting, at least you can refer to your piece of paper and won't forget stuff. Just ask your dad and sis to listen to what you have to say, and then they can have their say.

It's totally not fair that you're expected to be the adult in this situation. You're only a kid, you shouldn't have to deal with this! Your sis is two year's older, she should be taking care of you. You really need to talk to your dad about this. Hope you can sort it out. Do it tomorrow!!

*adele*

Thanks ill try but i told the teacher the story and she replied by saying that i was making not doing my h/w a habit and glared at me,like come on like i need that,like im not the best student anyway...but still!It seem that when one thing goes wrng everything else follows.But im not gonna let it get me down.My mam will be grand,Im gonna mkae my dad realize that im not his slave and as for school...i guess im just gonna have 2 try

b3t4

Hey *adele*,

Sorry to hear about your mum.

As far as school is concerned, have a talk with your principal. Your principal should then get in contact with your father and ask about the situation. The principal will then speak with your teacher. They should be more than understanding about your situation.

I remember when I was in school my sister was ill in hospital and my teacher was very understanding as to why I couldn't get my homework done. I think your teacher just needs a little more of a push into understanding your situation and who better to get them to do that than the principal.

Best of luck and I wish your mum all the best,
A.

*adele*

Thanks very much,I dont really wanna make a huge deal about it in school though...

The Sweeper

Actually, I think some perspective is needed here.

*adele*, what's wrong with your mum? Why's she in hospital? Is it a major issue, or a relatively straightforward procedure?

Because you know something? The house work won't kill you.

So your sister isn't cleaning up after herself - I'm sure the two of weren't self-sufficient little clean-bots from the first ten years of your lives and your mother probably did it all for you. So your mother did most of the housework for two of you, but if you have to do some now that she's sick, that makes you a slave? And like most slaves, almost everyone on this thread preaches revolt! "Throw off the chains! Only do what you need to do for yourself!" What a load of selfish crap!

And you didn't do your homework and then your dad forget to wake you up? What, do you not have an alarm clock? Do you know how cheaply you can buy an alarm clock?? Jesus would you give your dad a break!!

Your father is probably wound up to bits because he's waiting for word on your mother. In addition, your older sister, being further into her teenaged years, is more advanced in her hormone-related drama tactics, so she's probably got him run ragged.

Because of your age, he's probably viewing you as his only ally - you're old enough to help out, but not old enough to be going out getting drunk, taking drugs, ending up pregnant... not that your older sister's going to do any of those, but it may well be your dad's concern that she is.

And what's his only ally doing? Whinging like a brat because she has to do the housework. I appreciate that you're worried about your mum. Of course you are. But if you want to see why you shouldn't be revelling in that misery and looking for sympathy - look at your older sister. It's very easy in your teens to get great mileage out of the illness of a parent, because part of you is still young enough to stay in denial about how sick that parent is. That's probably what your sister's up to.

So it's like this - you want to beat her or join her?

If you want to get a fair deal in this, make an effort from the outset. Are you able to cook a meal for three people? If so, tell your dad you're going to do it. Then ask for his help while you do it. Then, when it's done and the three of you are fed, tell your sister she has to wash up because you and your dad did the cooking. Then, hopefully, if she has a drama queen moment, your dad will come down on her for it.

*adele*

My mam had cancer

Yes i know i should do work and yes i do but i dont think its fair for me to have to do it all

I know i should have set my alarm but he told me he'd wake us so i didnt.

Yeah my sister can be very trying on my parents.Im not whining about the housework i just think i shouldnt have to do it all and yes i know i should be doing alot wit my mam in hospital and i am Im doing loads,Im just saying my sister shoud help.
And NO im not looking for sympathy,I hate sympathy thats why im not pulling the tears like my sister.

Squirrel

Minesajackdaniels, lay off her, she's only 14, even though she doesn't want sympathy she's young enough to get it. If you were 14 and your mum had cancer I'm sure you would be

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

Whinging like a brat

. Adele, just ignore him and try and relax, and tell your sister how you feel

*adele*

thanks i will tell her to do some work to cause we're all dealing with the same thing

Ba_barbaraAnne

Adele, have you any other family nearby? An aunt or something? Maybe you could ask advice from them? As family, they would understand what you are going through and might be able to help.

Beruthiel

adele
majd has made some very valid points.
I'm very sorry to hear that your mam is sick and I cannot even begin to imagine the worry and stress your dad is under, you are all under in fact.
I know how it feels to be under that much stress and you are normally just about keeping yourself from cracking under the pressure.
this is the time the rest of you lot should be pulling together, not making it even more difficult by turning on each other. Your dad is probably very tense and is letting off steam. If your sister wishes to be selfish, leave her to it.
talk to your dad, tell him you will pull your weight how ever you can, help him out and just try to take care of yourself in the process too.
There is no need to kill yourself with work, just don't make it more difficult for him than it already is, he doesn't need it right now on top of everything else that's going through his head.
He is also probably upset at the fact that his daughters are not there for him in the way he thought they would be in his (and yours) time of need. Cut him some slack and perhaps ask him to cut you some too. If your dad is a reasonable man and you talk to him calmly, things should get better for the both of ye.
wish you the best of luck and I hope your mam recovers back to full health.
a

ps
hugs are fantastic at a time like this, give him one.

The Sweeper

Squirrel, I'm not giving the OP "no sympathy" - I'm just pointing out that this may not be the time for Kevin-The-Teenager antics.

*adele*

Yeah im grand my mams fine my dads gone to spain my sisters working it seems like stuffs working

tinkerbell

Your dad's gone to Spain??

Firetrap

This is the sort of problem that affects people no matter what the ages involved. I'm 31 and have a terminally ill mum. I've found to my cost that because I've done so much to help out at home, other family members have stepped back and let me bear more than my share of the burden. It's only in recent times that I've become more assertive and pointed out that I too have a life and a career. Don't make the mistake of taking too much on board and letting other people walk all over you. It's a fact of life - they will.

marshmallow

hey *adele* im realy sorry to hear about your mum, hope she gets better.
i know what you're going through my dad is ill and it's hard on all the family but my older bro's are doing exams so i have more 'free time' according to them to do the housework and stuff like that. we've come to an agreement on the housework being shared around a bit. discuss it with your sis and ya never know what might happen.

hope your mum gets better, marshmallow

drummer 666

heya, sorry to hear about your mother...I really do hope ya feel better and that your mum gets better too

Linoge

allie_e17 wrote:

This is the sort of problem that affects people no matter what the ages involved. I'm 31 and have a terminally ill mum. I've found to my cost that because I've done so much to help out at home, other family members have stepped back and let me bear more than my share of the burden. It's only in recent times that I've become more assertive and pointed out that I too have a life and a career. Don't make the mistake of taking too much on board and letting other people walk all over you. It's a fact of life - they will.

That is very true. I think that you're being "picked on" Adele because you are the most mature and helpful in the family.

My mother died X years ago, and even though there was X of us and I'm the second youngest everything was laid on me. It still is. I only wish I had the foresight and good advice to see what could/will happen.

Being more assertive and getting everyone to help depends on your family. They don't seem to be very helpful at all so I can only guess that thats out the window.

I think the best thing for you to do is simply refuse to clean up after them. Clean up after yourself of course, so you can see how much of a mess the others make, you'll have peace of mind and nobody can accuse you of creating the mess. The couple of days before your mother gets out, clean the house properly. Don't expect any help from the others, and just try to remember that you're not cleaning up after them, you are cleaning up for your mother.

As for your teachers. Explain to them (after class and on your own) that unfortunately there will be times when you won't have your homework done and ask them to be understandable for the next while. At the same time, don't take advantage. 1st year homework isn't that hard or long to do.

Don't mind MinesaJD. Its easy to see that he's never been in such a situation and forgets what its like to be 14.

And finally... No doubt you will be accused of being selfish several times a day. Anyone who acuses someone of being selfish really mean "why aren't you doing more for me?". They are the selfish ones.