I seem intent on wrecking my marriage! Where can I get help?

LegacyUser

This has finally come to a head. I can't seem to stop myself from destroying my marriage. I love my wife dearly and could not bear to be without her. I have some vices but always considered myself to be a good guy and a loving husband.
She has found porn on the PC a few times and flipped out (nothing sick btw). The first time or two I promised never to look again but always ended up looking at more. More recently when she finds it I try to explain that while our opinions differ a great deal on the subject, in my opinion it is harmless fun and in no way is it a substitute for her or a longing for something different/better. It's just complete strangers with no clothes on having sex in front of a camera. All 100% true.
So now and again she asks me if I've been looking at porn and to avoid another why? what's wrong with me? when? and what? debate (and also out of embarassment if I'm to be honest), I say no. So now when she finds porn, or evidence of porn, the issue becomes: "Why did you say no? You lied to me, I can't trust you."
Through all this I still thought "white lies, I'm still a good guy".

I was away for a few weeks recently and flicking through a local what's on/gig guide type paper and came accross some ads for escorts. For some reason (loneliness, thrillseeking, being a complete prick, take your pick) I ended up emailing some of the escorts enquiring about rates and services and availability but chickened out before calling any of them, much less meeting one. Then I forgot all about it until tonight when my wife found some of the emails.

Needless to say this was given a lot more thought tonight than it had been given at the time. She now feels the whole marriage is a sham and possibly wants me out of the house as she can't trust me. As I said before I thought of myself as a decent skin with a few vices but now I realise what even thinking about this means to my marriage I have changed my mind. A bit of porn was defensible but to consider going and banging some whore! I think there is something wrong with me and regardless of the outcome for our marriage, I want to get professional help to try and find out why I keep eroding the trust in our marriage and trying to hide this deviant Walter Mitty side of my personality.

My reasons for posting are:
A - To get opinions
and
B - In the unlikely event of anyone else having gone through something like this, where did you get help? Accord is the first one that springs to mind but I have this notion of them being a bit preachy, having done their pre marriage course.

Beruthiel

First off your wife takes it as an affront that you need to look at porn for whatever your reasons are. She equates it with her not being good enough sexually, it probably is hitting her self esteem on some level, making her think that she’s inadequate in some way – you don’t see it like that and probably don’t understand why she’s in such a tizzy over it.
There’s nothing wrong with looking at porn btw, but it is obvious your wife doesn’t think that. In order for you to save your marriage you will have to give it up.
You’ve told her you’d give it up and then you start your e mails – now she sees you as a liar that can’t be trusted.
So you now have to give it up and show you can be trusted.
Not sure how that can be done, but if you are having problems giving it up, perhaps you could see a councillor for a few sessions, this might help you and it will also show her that you want to make the effort to save your marriage.
A long, tough, honest talk with her is on the cards, the sooner you do that the better because the longer you leave her thinking about this problem the worse it will get.
hope it works out for you
a

Imposter

Why is she looking through your emails? It's obvious she doesn't trust you.

And what Beruthiel said.

jay567

Personally i dont agree that u need counseling just because u like to look at porn, 95% of men do. Y are some women so against it, and not accepting and trying to have it part of a healthy life. Me and lots of my male friends share theres with their female partners.

About the hooker, well it was a moment of nuts, we all have them, and u proved ur fine by not going ahead with it. Just crap that u got cought when u did nothing wrong.

Keep ur head up, ur not a freak, most men can relate to exactly what ur saying and going though.
Are u content in ur sex life with ur wife? If not fully, this may be ur way of satisfying urself.

Time for a big big talk with the wife, counselors later if she still wants.

delly

With regarding the porn, i wouldn't think that there are many men who don't have the odd look now and again, especially with the internet and all. Most women have a very different view on porn compared to men tho'. One of my mates girlfriends goes absoutly crazy if she finds out he's been looking at any form of porn, yet i know other peoples partners who find it a bit of a laugh. In other words i wouldn't feel bad about it, unless your spending 3 to 4 hours a day searching the net for it, then it may be a problem.

The escort thing is a bit different. Lets remember that you haven't actually done anything wrong in that respect (yet). I think only you know yourself tho' if you were really serious about it. If there is something that your wife can't fulfill, then you have to look at that problem and ethier work it out, or worst case scenario, part ways imo. Going to an escort agency will only prolong it, but once you do go, your setting yourself up for a bit of a sham, cause it would be a lot harder at this point to try and mend the problem.

WhiteWashMan

Beruthiel wrote:

First off your wife takes it as an affront that you need to look at porn for whatever your reasons are. She equates it with her not being good enough sexually, it probably is hitting her self esteem on some level, making her think that she’s inadequate in some way – you don’t see it like that and probably don’t understand why she’s in such a tizzy over it.
There’s nothing wrong with looking at porn btw, but it is obvious your wife doesn’t think that. In order for you to save your marriage you will have to give it up.

while i agree that she probably feels as if she is not good enough, her self esteem has been hit, and she doesnt understand, i do not agree that he has to give it up.
i suspect the way the poster feels is that its not about substituting his wife with images, that there is no 'competition'. more that it is (god, dare i say it) complementing the relationship they already have.
however, there are two fundemental problems.

the first is that he has hidden it and lied about it. thats not good. i daresay few good relationships would have a problem with a little adult imagery in their life, but hidding it and lying about it is not good, because there is deeper problem there with trust, guilt, and possible frustration that the OP needs to deal with.
there appears to be a comfort level that they need to deal with if this is happening.

the second problem is with the actual images themesleves. by including them as part of their roleplay, or whatever it is people do, then im sure his wife would be happy to do things *with* the OP. but, when you see hidden images, i imagine all the OP's wife sees is images that she feels in competition to, and probably upon comaprison, lacking. after all, even i find it hard to compare against guys with cocks like rolling pins
so she needent be against, them, they need to be added to the mix (and not her added to you and your porn)

jay567 wrote:

Y are some women so against it

becuase thats their perogative. im sure not everyone is as open minded as you and your partner.

Beruthiel

WhiteWashMan wrote:

while i agree that she probably feels as if she is not good enough, her self esteem has been hit, and she doesnt understand, i do not agree that he has to give it up.

I hear what you are saying wwm, he shouldn't have to give it up, (well, in fairness, he should give up e mailing escorts part!)
however, if his wife is going to walk out on him because of it, surely he should do so for a while at least, till they talk it over and see if they can come to some sort of understanding
I suggested talking to someone in order for her to see he's making an effort, cos it sounds from his post above that she is just about to walk out on him.
imo they should both talk to someone, it would do her no harm either to know it's no big dea.

WhiteWashMan

Beruthiel wrote:

I hear what you are saying wwm, he shouldn't have to give it up, (well, in fairness, he should give up e mailing escorts part!)
however, if his wife is going to walk out on him because of it, surely he should do so for a while at least, till they talk it over and see if they can come to some sort of understanding

good grief! absolutely! im not saying that he should let her walk in on him having a 'peddle and crank' and tell her this how its going to be
not at all, im suggesting that a serious sit down is needed and the deeper issues than porn need to be discussed and fixed first. like i said, i think there are other issue, the solo act with porn is just a symptom, and while in itself, i know that the majority of blokes in a relationship probably do have some 'nudie' images they use as stimulant every now and then, i think constant lies and hidden agenda dont do a body any good. unlike milk.

Beruthiel wrote:

I suggested talking to someone in order for her to see he's making an effort, cos it sounds from his post above that she is just about to walk out on him.
imo they should both talk to someone, it would do her no harm either to know it's no big dea.

well, i agree with the talk, but you know ruthie, i dont agree with your last sentence. to her, maybe it is a big deal. maybe she has her own issues (in fact, im pretty positive about it. i think the only well balanced person around here is me ) and maybe she just fundamentally doesnt agree with this sort of thing? who knows. its not for us to tell her that is is no big deal. it is up to the OP to let her know that *to him*, it is no big deal. and hopefully she will see that she is not in competition with some images, and he loves her.
hey, it could be that they both work hard, are a little stressed out, and that effects peoples sex lives. for someone with a strong libido, instead of harrassing his missus for a shag, is having a quickie every day to keep the frustration away, so they dont start fighting.

he could be wánking to save his marriage!

but dude, the escort thing was not a good idea. unless you are going to tell her that you wanted to role play being with a hooker and just wanted the correct prices for the sake of realism? but i would suggest being honest from now on...

Sleepy

Your wife needs to be a bit more open-minded. Maybe you could pick up some couples porn that you could watch together? If she's the sort who reads Jilly Cooper type novels she's a complete hyocrite. If those novels were aimed at men, they'd be sold top-shelf. Don't make silly promises about never looking at porn again, you know you're not going to be able to keep them.

Secondly, your wife needs to learn to trust you. I'm assuming that you don't just leave your porn open on the desktop so what is she doing rooting around the computer looking for it?

I take it that the escort stuff was more an extension of your interest in porn and sexuality than a genuine interest in meeting up with these girls.

koneko

There is a greater issue here than just the porn. There is no trust in this marriage. That could be down to things that have happened in the past or general downhill trend in the marriage, but there is no trust. No trust means this isn't going to be a happy situation. I'd suggest counselling. Talk to her, ask her does she think it's a good idea. If you love her and want to be with her, you're (the both of you) going to have to do something to start repairing the cracks in this whole relationship.

WhiteWashMan

Sleepy wrote:

Your wife needs to be a bit more open-minded. Maybe you could pick up some couples porn that you could watch together? If she's the sort who reads Jilly Cooper type novels she's a complete hyocrite. If those novels were aimed at men, they'd be sold top-shelf. Don't make silly promises about never looking at porn again, you know you're not going to be able to keep them.

Secondly, your wife needs to learn to trust you. I'm assuming that you don't just leave your porn open on the desktop so what is she doing rooting around the computer looking for it?

I take it that the escort stuff was more an extension of your interest in porn and sexuality than a genuine interest in meeting up with these girls.

so, what you are saying is that its all the wifes fault?

seamus

Clearly trust has become a problem, as others have said. You're lying about what you do, and she's checking up on you. You're both as guilty as one another in terms of what's damaged the marraige (although the escorts is a bit weird - are you bored, just looking for brief thrills?). It sounds like she gets what she wants, and you do whatever you can for a quiet life. There are two key things to make a relationship work - trust and compromise. One person cannot get everything they want, and the other person shouldn't give them everything they want, if it conflicts with their wishes.

I'm sure a marriage counsellor is step 1. Accord or any of them. The actual incident which has occured is irrelevant. Tackle the causes of this incident (the mistrust, the cover-ups), and you'll save your marriage.

bbblueyes

The first problem I see here, and this is just my observation, is that YOU alone are dealing with this. Not to start something, but what is she doing to help understand your problem?
A close friend was just going thru this. She was furious about his "slipping" and looking at porn. Sadly, the more upset over it she got, the worse it got. We made her realize that this is something he needed HER help with and that if she approached it that way, then it would be easier for him to deal with. As long as it was her against him, they were going nowhere. The last thing he needed was to feel like a "bad boy" and alone. She didn't ease up on him the whole way, and that's something she needs to work on, but she did a little and it's helped a lot. It's easier for them to tackle this when it's THEIR problem as a team. We encouraged her to try and be a little more open in the bedroom. She got a little excited when she went shopping for sexy lingerie and we encouraged that. I think she had it trained into her brain that sexy stuff was wrong, so she really had a problem with porn. She seems happier now and they are doing pretty good. She still gets paranoid that he'll be back on, but she's working on it.
Me personally, I don't have a problem with my guys seeing porn as long as it's not a habit. Insecurity is also a major factor in this porn rejection, even though it's not meant to be. I don't mind if my guy drools over Jenna Jameson because I know that it's just fantasy.
If you really want to do something about it, check out http://www.xxxchurch.com. A lot of guys (and ladies too) struggle with porn. About 40% of ministers that the website deals with struggle with porn themselves. Those aren't study numbers, just their observation from dealing with it first hand. I hope the best for you. Ask her for her help, I think it will help the both of you. Just my opinion...

April

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the input folks.

The most pressing issue here is trust. After crying wolf over the porn so many times now she doesn't know whether to believe me when I say I never actually met any escorts. I know in my heart of hearts that nothing happened and the reasons why. The porn is anonymous but shagging a call girl is involving another human. I couldn't see it as me stepping out of the family circle for a bit of fun, I was inviting somebody else into the circle and dissolving it's sanctity. That is the crux of why it went no further.

I am the bad guy in this piece and she is the wronged party, we are both agreed on that. As a few people have mentioned, I am trying to sort this out on my own. So far the feeling I am getting from her is that it's up to me to fix, even to the point that she may not see why she should need to come to counselling.

AlanD

Sorry for your troubles, but people have made some excellent and well-thought out points about.

My only addition would be to say that escorts are a big no-no. It is cheating full-stop. The worst kind almost. If you have never cheated, then stay on that side of the fence. I'm sure you know that once you cross it you will never be able to go back. You will never be able to honestly tell your wife and friends that you have never cheated.

As for the porn, I don't think it's a major problem for you and I can understand why you don't get it why your wife hates it so much. However, if it's a 3/4 hour thing each day, it's a problem which you have to resolve. Buy yourself a net nanny or something to make it more awkward to find porn. But if you look at it the odd time, then fine. You need to work with your wife on this and try to help her understand you and your feelings a bit better. Oh and if you must send someone an email, which you shouldn't, cover your tracks and delete your email!! Cover your porn tracks too. Your wife is computer smart, so don't play in to her hands.

I have a feeling that your wife's lack of trust is coming from a major insecurity she has. Unfortunately, almost every woman on this planet can feel insecure. There's nothing wrong with it, but it means we need to help them feel more secure about things. Although she may not know she is insecure about something. She wants to feel wanted, loved and all the good things in life. She shouldn't be checking your emails, she shouldn't invade your private space at all wherever it may be. We all need a certain amount of privacy, but that privacy should never hide dark secrets. She goes searching for this stuff because of her insecurity.

My suggestion? Having a chat will cause more of a blazing row than anything else which won't resolve much. Fighting an insecure woman is too high a wall to climb. Counselling would be probably the best option. Perhaps go yourself first and talk about everything in your relationship. It may help you understand the things that are wrong. Then maybe bring your wife in to the mix and work through the problems. Insecurities are very destructive because to lead to lack of trust and if you don't have trust, you don't have anything.

The Corinthian

In fairness the porn is a side point really. I would be more concerned about contacting the escorts as, even if the OP had no conscious intention of doing anything, it would be indicative of a general lack of satisfaction in the marriage, most likely in the bedroom - hence the vicarious psudo-sexual thrill of chatting with a prostitute.

Is the original poster the bad guy? Yes and no. On one level he has indeed gone behind his wife; viewed porn and contacted escorts. On the other hand she appears to have demanded that he behaves solely on her terms, with little or no debate (or compromise - did she suggest an alternative?), and is quite willing to discount his privacy and check up on him, regardless of whether her suspicions are merited or not.

The OP is not in an equal relationship from what he has described. His wife clearly calls the shots and as such he is reacting in a classic passive aggressive manner. As such he will ultimately wreck his marriage, as it is the only way he can deal with his frustrations with it. The alternative to this is dialogue and negotiation, but if this is the case of one dominant and one passive partner, then it will be as difficult to get her to compromise as it will be for him to assert himself.

seamus

Ashamed wrote:

I am the bad guy in this piece and she is the wronged party, we are both agreed on that. As a few people have mentioned, I am trying to sort this out on my own. So far the feeling I am getting from her is that it's up to me to fix, even to the point that she may not see why she should need to come to counselling.

Here's part of the problem, as Corinth, myself and some others have said.
It was your actions which caused the incident, and certainly you are to blame in bringing this to a head, but if you go to a counsellor, the first thing he/she will try to get to the bottom of is *why* you did it. And the why will involve examining your relationship. One person cannot fix a relationship. It takes two.

masterK

It sounds to me that both of you are at fault. The fact that your wife checks you email and what you have been looking at on the internet suggests that she may be a little insecure, whether you have made or this way I don't know, some people are just like that. One partner not trusting another for no initial reason could be one of the root causes of you problems.

You really messed up with the whole escort thing, although if you were just curious and never had any intention of doing it then maybe things aren't as bad as the seem.

Btw, did you never think of clearing down your emails or internet history?

LegacyUser

You broke the first rule of being a man. You got caught. There's nothing wrong with you - it's natural to want to be with dirty whores - men can separate love and sex.

You have to stop being so stupid. Stop leaving clues. Just use your head. You can lead this walter mitty life you want, or masturbate yourself blind in front of porn.

Just don't get caught.

tinkerbell

In my opinion, looking at pr0n is harmless. But if your wife has serious issues with you looking at it, then you really need to re-think about looking at it. She's obviously getting hurt by you lying to her about it, so maybe you need to cool it off a bit for a while (with the dirty videos that is).

I'd be seriously worried about the escort thing though, that's just not on at all. I don't blame her for being devastated and thinking about leaving you coz you were considering getting with an escort / whatever they are. She won't know whether you were really considering getting an escort or not.

You really need to sit down and have an honest, open, heart-to-heart with your wife. She can (probably) get over the pr0n, but you'll need to win her trust back over the escort stuff. No relationship / marriage can work without trust.

Why don't you just spend your money buying your wife sexy lingerie from Victoria's Secret rather than buying dirty videos - maybe then you'd look at the pr0n less!

Sleepy

WhiteWashMan wrote:

so, what you are saying is that its all the wifes fault?

As far as the porn is concerned, yeah, it's been around for millenia, it's a normal, natural thing. The OP's wife's reaction to it is the unnatural thing. I'm guessing anyone that has such a problem with porn also has a serious low self-esteem (or other) problems that have impacted on her views on sexuality. Is she extremely religeous by any chance?

I think The Corinthian probably has the nail hit on the head with regards to the escort sites.

No relationship (marriage, business or personal) can be maintained and "fixed" by one party. OP, you need to tackle the problems in your relationship as a couple. I've heard that Relate are very good though i'm sure there are plenty of competent counsellors/ sex therapists out there. Though your wife's lack of trust, your breaking of promises and your acceptance of a submissive role in the marriage would suggest that far more than just sexual problems are at play here.

See a counsellor or see solicitors.

pickarooney

It sounds to me like you're seriously (excuse the term) pussy-whipped. It's really not her place to tell you what you can and cannot watch - be it porn, football or Pop Idol. She is of course entitled to have different tastes, but that's all it should be. You don't mention how things are sexually with your wife, and I think the fact you make no mention of it suggests that your contacting the escorts was more of an escape from the suffocation of your wife telling you what to do, invading your privacy and generally disapproving of you. While you recognise that contacting prostitutes, even if you had no intention of going all the way, is dodgy behaviour, you need to get beyond the mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa mantra and accept that you're not perfect, you made a mistake, you're sorry (for the escorts, you don't really need to apologise for watching the odd bit of porn IMHO) and work on putting it behind you both. There's nothing to gain from you flagellating yourself and putting her on a pedestal.

This is sounding like a backlash and a rant against your wife, but it's not intended as such. She has every right to be offended by things you do or say, even if your aim is not to hurt her in any way, but just because she gets offended doesn't necessarily mean you're a bad person. Again, this is more about the porn, the escort thing makes you a slightly bad person but by no means an archdemon.

WhiteWashMan

pickarooney wrote:

It's really not her place to tell you what you can and cannot watch - be it porn, football or Pop Idol.

pickarooney wrote:

She has every right to be offended by things you do or say,

well, which is it now. cause im confused. are you advising the OP to go for it, or to not go for it?

i think the ipmortant thing you are missing from your post, is that in a relationship, you have to have resepct for your partner. your post shows a complete disregard for any type of respect.

just because they have an issue over pornography (and believe it or not, not everyone digs porn, just because you whack off to it everyday) and thats their business. to criticis someone for not holding the same belief as you smacks ofd ignorance and intolerance, and i think its pretty obvious you dont have a long term partern, and it may be a while before you do have one.

Seraphina

well while everyone has attacked the wife and said she has no right blah blah blah, like pickarooney said he hasn't mentioned how things are sexually with his wife.
i mean are things alright in the bedroom or is it a once a month drunken quickie?
she could be insecure about the porn if she's noticed a waning interest in sex, or doesn't feel desireable/sexy whatever. it doesn't really excuse her telling you what to do, but if she feels so strongly about it, you've got to try and find out if there are other reasons than her just hating porn.
is this looking at porn thing a new thing? (well obviously it isn't for you, but is it something she has only become aware of recently?) is she feeling threatened? (the escorts thing will definately have made her feel inadequate)
it sounds to me that she's reacting badly to her insecurities. sit down and discuss the porn thing with her, ask her specifically why it bothers her so much? maybe she sees it as a kind of cheating? (yea its stupid, but its still how she feels)
i reckon the porn thing isn't so much about the porn, but about other things going on in your relationship right now. have you been married long, is the fizzle gone? all these things are relevant.
at the end of the day she could be just a whiney controlling pain in the ass. but then im trying to avoid the idea that all women are no fun.

Oryx

Im coming at this from a slightly different angle. OP, your original question was that you seemed helplessly intent on wrecking your marriage, and it seems to me almost like a deliberate act. Looking at porn when you promised you wouldnt, lying about it, contacting escorts, and THEN allowing your wife to easily find out about it all. Are you trying to provoke a change in a relationship thats not working, but rather than being direct, (maybe you cant make that confrontation?) you are creating a huge problem in order to force your wife/marriage to change one way or the other?

Or maybe Im looking to deeply

The Sweeper

Ah - porn, the marmite of the bedroom.

There's a lot of content here along the lines of "there's nothing wrong with porn" and "your wife's dislike of porn is unnatural" - and most of it misses the point.

Women don't have a problem with porn.

Women have a problem with men's reaction to porn.

When I was in University I did my thesis on Playboy. It had just gone on sale in Ireland about 18 months previously, so I used to buy it every month and buy other top shelf mags for content comparison. I liked my porn, I found it titillating, entertaining, harmless.

A couple of years later, I dated someone who was obsessed with porn. I ended up hating it. Had the porn changed? No. Had my view of it? Yes. Every woman wants to feel loved, cherished and wanted in her relationship. If she's remotely insecure, or unsure of herself with you, then she can begin to view porn as a "rival" - it's like another woman. The sort of feelings that come up?

"Why does he want to look at that? What's wrong with me? ...what sort of porn is he looking at? God, based on this, he's an ass and legs man??! I thought he was a breast man!! Oh sh1t, I mean, my tits aren't bad, but my ass sags and my legs are stumpy!! I'm totally not his type! ...Hmmm I'm quite uncomfortable looking at this. I mean, I never realised he liked [insert any sort of fetish preference you may have been looking at]. God I wonder if he wants me to do that for him? I don't want to do that!!" etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum ad infinitum.

Then what happens? You hide the porn. Badly. And she finds it. Which reinforces all of the above. At this stage, she's feeling low in herself, you're not reassuring her (because you keep saying you won't do something you know she hates and then you go back and do it again) and then she finds emails to escorts.

At this point, your wife probably feels like sh1t, her self-esteem is at an all-time low, she thinks you're a cheating sexual deviant w4nker, and she has the contents of your PC to prove it.

You're really not doing a great job here are you? You have a lot of work to do to reassure your wife. I don't care if everyone here thinks she's a high maintenance bitch, the point is you've really shaken her up now, and you don't seem to have the ability to make it better.

As for counselling - I think a wee spate of counselling on your own might not be a bad idea. I don't mean you need a counsellor because you look at porn - I mean I think you need to take a look at why it is you've kept doing something that greatly upsets your wife, even after you've been asked not to do it. There's definitely something wrong somewhere, and you won't be in a position to reassure your wife until you know what the matter is yourself.

Sleepy

I don't think that unilateral counselling here would be of any use. There are issues here on both sides that need to be addressed, preferably by a qualified marriage counsellor.

WhiteWashMan

Sleepy wrote:

I don't think that unilateral counselling here would be of any use. There are issues here on both sides that need to be addressed, preferably by a qualified marriage counsellor.

hey, why dont you post the exact same thing for a 4th time, but use different words again?

Seraphina

mmmhhh, Madj always seems to post what i tried to say, only better.
woohoo for people with the same ideas only better articulation skills.

Besprechen

use XP and create a profile each, that way noone will be able to check each others habits or emails, should you click on a dodgy link by accident

Nevyn

where ?

http://www.ncge.ie/service.asp?id=INOU511250304
http://www.welfare.ie/foi/marrchilcoun.html
All the health boards have listing of services of this type in your local area.

Marriage & Family
Relationships
All Hallows College,
Gracepark Rd., Drumcondra,
Dublin 9.
Tel: (01) 8371151
Accord is a predominantly lay
organisation of almost 1,000 trained
personnel who work in a voluntary
capacity within their communities in
55 Centres throughout Ireland.
Accord seeks to promote a better
understanding of marriage and to help
people sustain and enrich their
marriage and family relationships.
Services Currently Provided
• Marriage Guidance
• Confidential Services to individuals
and couples
• Marriage Counselling
• Marital Sex Therapy/Psychosexual
Counselling
• Fertility Counselling/Natural Family
Planning
• Marriage care
ACCORD
Group Educational Counselling in
• Marriage Preparation Courses
• School Programmes
• Personal Enrichment Courses
Accord is committed to working with
couples and individuals in supporting
Marriage and Family Life in Ireland.
It will continue to provide a
comprehensive service of professional
standard to its clients and it will
continue to renew and develop its
services.
Accord offers its counselling services
on a voluntary basis but it welcomes
donations.
Accord Centres in the Western Health
Board Region are at
Ballinasloe:
Family Centre, Brackernagh,
Ballinasloe. Tel: (0905) 43573
Castlebar:
Social Services Centre, Castle Street,
Castlebar. Tel: (094) 22214
(10 - 12 each day, Mon to Fri
2.00 - 5.00 pm, Tues & Thurs)
Charlestown:
Pastoral Centre, Charlestown,
Co. Mayo. Tel: (094) 54317

And failing there there is
http://www.oasis.gov.ie/relationships/separation_divorce/family_mediation_service.html

If going in cold to one of these agancies wont work to you go talk to your GP and they can make a recamendation and a referal letter.

Good luck.

Evil Phil

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

Ah - porn, the marmite of the bedroom.

rofl

pickarooney

WhiteWashMan wrote:

well, which is it now. cause im confused. are you advising the OP to go for it, or to not go for it?

To go for what? To me there's no conflict whatsoever in those statements, There's no universal truth, just two people's interpretations of something.

i think the ipmortant thing you are missing from your post, is that in a relationship, you have to have resepct for your partner. your post shows a complete disregard for any type of respect.

Respect is a two-way thing. Like I said, he has the right to be turned on by porn, she has the right to be disgusted by it.

to criticis someone for not holding the same belief as you smacks ofd ignorance and intolerance,

The only criticism in my post was of the perception that the man is inherently wrong to enjoy something that his wife abhors. To suggest that the OP should pretend not enjoy porn for the sake of his wife is insulting to both parties.
Give the woman some credit - she's hardly so naïve as to to think that because her husband hits delete on a couple of mucky pictures that his interest in all things pornographic has vanished along with the JPEGs. Just because he's not physically looking at random_tart_with_jugs_out.gif doesn't mean he's "cured" of his interest in pr0n. He's already half-way to convincing himself his instinctive urges make him a Bad Man (TM). It's not resolving anything, save for who wears the trousers, for him to pretend that he has no curiosity for scantily-clad strangers in compromising positions and that his wife is the only creature on planet Earth who makes him hard.

What do people think counselling is going to achieve exactly? To reinforce the belief that his dirty thoughts are evil? To brainwash him into not having them any more? To get a third party to convince his wife that he's not the spawn of satan and that his urges are not something he should artificially control to spare his wife's discomfort? They could talk until they were blue in the face, but how is it going to change the fact that he gets off on porn and she doesn't? If there's a pornographic elephant in their living-room, everyone just has to learn to deal with it.

and i think its pretty obvious you dont have a long term partern, and it may be a while before you do have one.

Let's leave the Mystic-Meggery to the snag-toothed crones qualified to make shots in the dark. You may have acquired crystal balls through auto-emasculation, but you won't see too far through them.

WhiteWashMan

who said anything about him not looking at porn?

i think the majority of people said theres a deeper issue that needs to be resolved, and i think the escort is a more serious issue than the porn, but if its causing his wife distress, then it needs to be adressed, hopefully by addressing the issues. i never said he shouldnt whack one out while watching an mpeg of dwarf fisting.

so please, haul yourself of yer soap box afore you slip...

youre entire post showed no regard or respect for the wishes of his wife, you even tell him he shouldnt have to apologise to his wife for doing something he said he a)wasnt doing, b)wouldnt do again, c)blatently lying to her face.

shows a distinct lack of respect to me. perhaps he should give her a slap while hes at it?

pickarooney

Sorry, I just don't get you. You say now there's nothing wrong with looking at porn and that you never said he shouldn't and at the same time you say doing it shows a lack of respect and that he should apologise for it?

So when she confronted him the first time about it should he have lied and said he wouldn't do it again or told the truth and said he'd do it because he felt like it?
What does his wife really want - that he stop looking at porn or that he stop wanting to look at porn?

WhiteWashMan

at what point did i say he cant look at porn?

i said he needed to discuss the issues.

i think youre intentionally trying to misinterpret what im saying. are you trolling me?

Beruthiel

WhiteWashMan wrote:

i think youre intentionally trying to misinterpret what im saying. are you trolling me?

I do hope not
trolling is a bannable offence in this forum
B

WhiteWashMan

good job. you want to keep your eye on this here fella....

pickarooney

WhiteWashMan wrote:

at what point did i say he cant look at porn?

i said he needed to discuss the issues.

i think youre intentionally trying to misinterpret what im saying. are you trolling me?

I'm not intentionally misinterpreting anything, it's just that you're side-stepping. Up to now, your replies to me have all been about respect for his wife, without going into details about what you mean by respect. I'll ask you one last time what he should be apologetic for if you don't think there's anything wrong with him looking at porn. If it's for lying to her, I've already asked you in my last post what you think his best course of actions should have been when she confronted him.

As for your "teacher, teacher, the bad man is trolling me" comments, that's just pathetic. Haven't you a gathering card named after you for just such a practice?

WhiteWashMan

pickarooney wrote:

Up to now, your replies to me have all been about respect for his wife, without going into details about what you mean by respect. I'll ask you one last time what he should be apologetic for if you don't think there's anything wrong with him looking at porn.

you appear to think that the two items are mutally exclusive.
see if you can follow it from there. i mean seriously, do you want me to do all your thinking for you?

the guy is married. surely if his wife tells him that she finds something upsetting, asks him not to do it again, and he just goes and does it again, and lets her find out, doesnt that somewhat smack of disrespect to you?

not once i did i say that i thought looking at porn was either good or bad, nor did i say he shouldnt do it. in fact i believe i said that perhaps it could be encouraged in the relationship to be something they could both 'develope' as part of their love making or whatever.

im sure his wife doesnt want to be hit either, does that mean he should be allowed to do it because someone somwhere feels that its ok to hit his wife, just like you feel its ok for him to look at porn after he had a dicsussion with his wife?

seriously? whats not to get? i

pickarooney wrote:

If it's for lying to her,

now why dont you go back and re-read my posts. i ve already said this. do you have anything further to add to the thread, or is it going to be further misunderstanding of what i am saying?

pickarooney

Forget about it. If you don't want to answer the two pertinent questions I asked in post 35, fine, I'm not going to try and force you. Why did he make the promise? Why did he feel he should when it went against his wishes (why not ask her to promise not to get offended any more?), what good does it do his wife's sense of security to know that her husband is interested in porn but won't act out on simply because he promised her not to?

To make a somewhat extreme comparison, if a man was caught fiddling with children and he promised not to do it again, would his wife be OK knowing that in his mind he was a paedophile but he wasn't acting on it for fear of upsetting her?
The difference is that him watching porn is doing no physical harm to anyone. The problem, as I interpret it (so sue me if you see it otherwise) is that his wife has issues with his liking for pornography, which is part of who he is. That part of him disgusts her and makes her uneasy and isn't going to go away because he switches the monitor off.

idontknowmyname

I dont blame her for flipping out....she might think that you dont find her attactive anymore and that you're substituting her for escort girls.
She's probably deeply hurt that you'd rather want to go out with these girls than spend time with her. Her self esteem has taken a huge knock. While there's nothing wrong with porn why did you hide the fact that you do? Why not incorporate in into your love life?

She feels you dont love her anymore, to her its like you're having an affair. Talk to her about everything before it ends your marraige

WhiteWashMan

pickarooney wrote:

So when she confronted him the first time about it should he have lied and said he wouldn't do it again or told the truth and said he'd do it because he felt like it?

maybe at the time he did mean that he wouldnt do it. who knows, only the poster knows why he lied. or why it became a lie.

pickarooney wrote:

What does his wife really want - that he stop looking at porn or that he stop wanting to look at porn?

who knows. ask his wife. and you dont know that she did say that. he may have just said, i promise i wont do it again, it was my first time, i was curious, im not interested, and then left it at that. it may have come as a complete surprise to his wife that she then found 'anal adventure 3 and 7' on his hard drive. who knows?

pickarooney wrote:

To make a somewhat extreme comparison, if a man was caught fiddling with children and he promised not to do it again, would his wife be OK knowing that in his mind he was a paedophile but he wasn't acting on it for fear of upsetting her?

well, since you think the porn is ok in your mind, why not ask a peadophile, since that owuld be their area of expertise. do you think the paedophile would find it ok. im sure they would. well, thats that theroy out the door.

pickarooney wrote:

The difference is that him watching porn is doing no physical harm to anyone.

so its a physical thing? but if he told her to her face she was a fat slag, thats ok, coz its not physical is it? it may or may not be doing her self esteem any good, it may be pushing her further down i her relationship, who knows, but thats ok, because at least its not physical.....

pickarooney wrote:

The problem, as I interpret it (so sue me if you see it otherwise) is that his wife has issues with his liking for pornography, which is part of who he is.

you cant say any of that is true. you dont know. this is the problem. you dont know any of this is true. when you get to talk to the husband and wife, and ask them these thigns, then you can say, but you cant argue points like that, because you simply dont know.

pickarooney

I'm not expecting you to answer the questions, you know - they're open-ended.
The OP is not expecting us to magically know the answers, just offer different perspectives.

well, since you think the porn is ok in your mind, why not ask a peadophile, since that owuld be their area of expertise. do you think the paedophile would find it ok. im sure they would. well, thats that theroy out the door.

I doubt it very much. I imagine a paedophile is fully aware that having sex with children is very wrong and also aware his wife would be disgusted not just by his actions but by his thoughts.