Spreadables

Que

So how come the marmalade never fluked any goals ?

he just wasn't jammy enough !

Shabadu

I wonder are there any good jokes about jam? All the ones I've ever seen are sh!t. For example:

How can you tell when a Vampire has been in a bakery?

All the jam has been sucked out of the doughnuts.


Since when do Vampires eat jam? How did marmalade start playing football all of a sudden? Why do we never here jokes about the normal daily activities of jam?

I want answers. And funny jam scenario-based jokes.

banquo

you all suck.

Shabadu

banquo wrote:

you all suck.

I think you meant to say:

You both suck.

All implys more than two. Also, it's actually hilarious that you decided to crticise me for posting a joke I freely admitted was sucky.

It's also quite funny that the best insult you could come up with was 'you all suck.'

Pull the finger out and try again. May I suggest:

banquo wrote:

Quiet, you crotch sniffing troglodites!


p.s. I am ghey

It's ironic that someone who chose a character from a Shakesperian play as their handle put so little effort into an insult. Shakespeare was renowned for his talent and creative flair for insulting people.

Shakespeare wrote:

He has everything that an honest man should not have; what an honest man should have, he has nothing- All's Well That Ends Well

He excels his brother for a coward, yet his brother is reputed one of the best that is- All's Well That Ends Well

His brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after a voyage- As You Like It

You are falser than vows made in wine- As You Like It

Breath of garlic-eaters! -Coriolanus

Take you me for a sponge? -Hamlet

You leather-jerkin, crystal-button, knot-pated, agate-ring, puke-stocking, caddis-garter, smooth-tongue, Spanish pouch! -Henry IV Part 1

You villainous abominable misleader of youth! -Henry IV Part 1

His face is Lucifer's privy-kitchen, where he doth nothing but roast malt-worms. -Henry IV Part 2

He be as good a gentleman as the devil is -Henry V

I will not answer thee with words, but blows -Henry VI Part 1

Unworthy though thou art, I will cope with thee -Henry VI Part 2

He begins a new hell in himself -Henry VIII

All goodness is poison to thy stomach -Henry VIII

He thinks too much; such men are dangerous -Julius Caesar

You have some sick offence within your mind -Julius Caesar

You are not worth the dust which the rude wind blows in your face -King Lear

Fit to govern? No, not fit to live -Macbeth

Your sole name blisters our tongue -Macbeth

Come, you are a tedious fool! To the purpose -Measure for Measure

I pray a thousand prayers for thy death; no words to save thee -Measure for Measure

You cowardly, giant-like ox-beef! -A Midsummer Night's Dream

Being no other but as she is, I do not like her -Much Ado About Nothing

You are duller than a great thaw -Much Ado About Nothing

You are an index and prologue to the history of lust and foul thoughts -Othello

God and good men hate so foul a liar -Richard II

Out of my sight! Thou dost infect my eyes. -Richard III

Thou art unfit for any place but hell -Richard III

A fan to hide her face, for her fan's the fairer face! -Romeo and Juliet

You three-inch fool! -The Taming of the Shrew

Does thy other mouth call me? -The Tempest

Thou disease of a friend! -Timon of Athens

He has not so much a brain as ear-wax -Troilus and Cressida

Female Bastard! -The Winter's Tale

I know you probably could have done better but you don't consider n00bs worthy to feel the sting of your rapier wit.

Squirrel

Classic Jr. Shabadu

Shabadu

Cheers Squirrel.

Balfa

Jr.Shabadu wrote:

All implys more than two.

Me hole it does.

Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary (1913) wrote:

All \All\, a. [OE. al, pl. alle, AS. eal, pl. ealle,
Northumbrian alle, akin to D. & OHG. al, Ger. all, Icel.
allr. Dan. al, Sw. all, Goth. alls; and perh. to Ir. and
Gael. uile, W. oll.]
1. The whole quantity, extent, duration, amount, quality, or
degree of; the whole; the whole number of; any whatever;
every; as, all the wheat; all the land; all the year; all
the strength; all happiness; all abundance; loss of all
power; beyond all doubt; you will see us all (or all of
us).

Nothing about more than two. Nice slaggin's though

pickarooney

Surely the Peter Kay classic has to be worth a giggle?

'Ow duz Bob Mahlay lahk iz donuts?
Wi' jam 'in!

Shabadu

Arr if we're getting into semantics I did say it implied more than two which I feel it does in colloquial speech. You are right though, all is gramatically correct.

I stand* corrected.


*sit

Tiersal

How do you like your toast Mr Jackson?

Jam-on!! ..ahem *cough*

Balfa

Tiersal wrote:

How do you like your toast Mr Jackson?

Jam-on!! ..ahem *cough*

?

I know the thin about bob marley. but what's this about jackson?

And shabadu, get up.

Shabadu

Ah but i'm wrecked...

Tiersal

Balfa wrote:

?

but what's this about jackson?

It's there if you want it.
SHAMON=Jam-on..!?!

Geddit, eh, geddit*nugde nudge* *wink wink* eh?

A thin thing to be sure, begorra......

Blub2k4

Shabadu that is possibly one of the best retorts I've seen on boards and all done with tongue firmly in cheek, nice one.

Gosh

A man asked his son what he would like for his forthcoming sixth birthday. The son said
he wanted a hamster so the man visited the local pet shop. There he found the perfect
hamster who was in the peak of health so he bought it. He also bought a cage with a wheel
and a water bottle. As he was leaving the store owner said "Any problems what-so-ever,
just come back here. I live right above the shop and I'll help you out any time you want."
The man put the hamster and cage in his car and drove home. He left them in there until
his son had gone to bed so that he wouldn't see them when he brought them in. Next morning
is the son's birthday so the man gets up early to wrap the other presents and to check on
the hamster. He is horrified to see that the hamster is lying dead in the bottom of the
cage with it's legs in the air! He realises that his son will be distraught as he's talked
about nothing else for weeks! Quickly he pulled on his coat and drove round to the pet shop
and knocked on the owner's door. He explains the problem and the owner is quite understanding
and gives the man a new hamster, refusing to take any payment for it.
The man then says "What can I do with the old one? I don't want to bury it as the cat may
dig it up and I don't want to throw it away in case my son sees it in the bin".
The pet-shop owner replies "What I do is mix up a strong sugar solution - about 1.5kg of
sugar and 2 litres of water, bring it to the boil and then add the hamster and simmer for
about two hours, stirring periodically. It makes quite a nice jam."
The man says thank you and that he will try the rather strange recipe and then dashes home
with the new hamster. He gives the new hamster to his son who is thrilled with it and promptly
goes off to play with it. The man then decides to try the pet-shop owner's recipe so goes to
the supermarket to get some sugar, then gets the largest saucepan he has and starts cooking.
After two hours, the mixture has become jam-like so the man decides to try it. He gets a
slice of bread and smears a layer on and takes a bite. And it is (not unsuprisingly)
absolutely revolting! In disgust he throws the rest of the mixture out of the window, all
over his garden, and does his best to forget about the whole thing.
But after a few days he notices that daffodils are springing up all over his lawn.
He is at a loss to explain it as he's never had any in his garden before! Next day,
his son asks him to take him to the pet-shop as he wants to get some more food for
the hamster so the man agrees. Whilst his son is looking around at the other animals, the
pet-shop owner, recognising the man, comes over to talk to him.
"So", he said, "did you try that recipe I gave you?"
"Yes, but it tasted disgusting so I threw it out the window. Odd thing is, where it landed
I've got daffodils growing!"
"Daffodils?" asked the store owner, "Are you sure? You usually get tulips from hamster-jam"

Kevin_rc_ie

hamster-jam.............that was some joke. some joke.