Cyber Sex/Internet Affair, Infidelity?

MizzKattt

Today, a friend and I were discussing the uses of the internet in our lives. Work, shopping, school, play, etc. Many of my friends even use the internet as a source of meeting potential partners. Unfortunately, not all of these friends are single. So… this discussion led me to the following questions.

When does a conversation on the internet cross the line to affair?
Does an online relationship constitute as an affair?
Should it be used in court during a divorce?

I am in the opinion friendships outside of a monogamous relationship are healthy. I am not in the favor of those friendships developing into something more intimate, even if only mentally, when still committed to someone else.

/eagerly awaiting your opinions

Mr. Presentable

I am of the opinion you can be emotionally unfaithful. I think a female would regard emotional infidelity as being as much a betrayal as a male would sexual infidelity.

The rule has to be, would you admit the content of the relationship to your partner.

Skud

wouldn't say an online relationship is an affair, I suppose when you show intent to carry out acts of sexual nature then it may be. Most ppl use the cyber world not to get hurt and have a bit of fun imo. Perhaps when it becomes more than an online one. Interesting debate the more you think about it.

MizzKattt

Skud, are you saying only a physical relationship constitutes as cheating?

If you're going out with a woman and you just check out women on the street, is that cheating? No, its not.

At the end of the day, cheating normally consists of a physical interaction. I for one, have no problem with any girlfriend flirting in a club/pub (within reason), but I'll drop her like a stone, if anything physical happens.

So as regards the internet relationship, it becomes cheating when your partner starts to view the other person in a sexual light. When they start cybering or start considering to meet for sex/dates etc.

/Shrugs. I think you'll find everyone will have a different and very personal opinion about this.

Zulu

Simple rule. If you feel guilty, you are.

Evil Phil

Whether or not its cheating, if you're cybaring with somebody else then you need to have a serious think about where your relationship is and where its going imho.

pwd

Zulu wrote:

Simple rule. If you feel guilty, you are.

Bull****. Some people feel guilty over irrelevent rubbish. Others say things like "It's different for men/women/me" and don't feel bad about anything.

An online relationship is being unfaithful yes.

Sleepy

tbh, I think it depends on the relationship, the boundaries regarding flirting in the relationship, the content and intimacy of the on-line conversation/activities, the couple's attitudes towards the activity and a whole heap of other factors to determine if an on-line relationship is an act of infidelity. But, yes, I do believe it can be a form of infidelity.

Hobbes

MizzKattt wrote:

When does a conversation on the internet cross the line to affair?

When it starts coming of a sexual nature, when you are hiding the conversations from your SO. When you are taking time/money away from your relationship with your SO.

Does an online relationship constitute as an affair?

Yes it can be. It can very much depend on the couple though. Some couples would have no problem with this.

Should it be used in court during a divorce?

It has been before.

Zulu

pwd wrote:

Bull****. Some people feel guilty over irrelevent rubbish. Others say things like "It's different for men/women/me" and don't feel bad about anything.

An online relationship is being unfaithful yes.

I suppose it was a little naive of me to think that if I posted it short people might think about it. My own fault. Suffice to say, it's not bull****. I could drag this thread off down 4 pages of "It's not bull**** - your opinion is bull****" but I won't.

A person in a relationship has the best understanding of the boundaries of that said relationship, thus, if they feel guilt, it is more than likely because they have committed a betrayal of sorts, whether imaginary or not. They more than likely experience this feeling because at some level they know they wouldn't like to have the same actions done to them. It basically comes down to their individual perception of fairness.

In very rare cases a person could have mental issues, and feel guilt for no reason. I don't believe this applies to this circumstance, as I don't believe such a person would look for definition here.

Zombrex

Sleepy wrote:

tbh, I think it depends on the relationship, the boundaries regarding flirting in the relationship

I remember once I was in an airport with my then girlfriend and this really hot girl, wearing not much at all, comes up an esculator. I knew my gf was near me but I just could not help myself and I watched this girl walk by, turning my head as she did. From behind me I got a wack in the side from my gf's back. I turned around to see her with a big frown on her face. She said that she didn't mind me looking at a gir as long as my head didn't follow her around the room.

Its funny the type of rules we put on things. I guess it is an acceptance that even in a relationship people do think and fantasies about other people, but at the end of the day we want to know that they are just that, fantasies and that our partner will be, and more importantly wants to be, coming home to us.

So i guess with responce to online chatting it depends on what the person is actually getting out of the experience. The problem with this is it is often very hard for their partner to know what that, or know when they should be worried, and as such hard to define what is or is not infidelity with relation to online chatting.

MiCr0

would you have any problem showing logs from your chatting to your SO?
if so then its a good chance you're cheating

Dades

Isn't the question: are you doing something that if your other half was doing it - you'd feel cheated on?

If you can answer that honestly, well then you have your answer.

pwd

Zulu wrote:

I suppose it was a little naive of me to think that if I posted it short people might think about it. My own fault. Suffice to say, it's not bull****. I could drag this thread off down 4 pages of "It's not bull**** - your opinion is bull****" but I won't.

A person in a relationship has the best understanding of the boundaries of that said relationship, thus, if they feel guilt, it is more than likely because they have committed a betrayal of sorts, whether imaginary or not. They more than likely experience this feeling because at some level they know they wouldn't like to have the same actions done to them. It basically comes down to their individual perception of fairness.

In very rare cases a person could have mental issues, and feel guilt for no reason. I don't believe this applies to this circumstance, as I don't believe such a person would look for definition here.

heh. Your view of things is dreadfully simplistic. Different people feel guilt to different degrees. Some people remain faithful to an ex after splitting up, and feel guilty about meeting other people even then, despite not having any mental issues. Others cheat on serious partners without a qualm, or drop devoted and misled partners as soon as things become tough or inconvenient. The philosophy of "just thinking about what's best for me."
Some people feel guilt acutely, but are easily influenced in their actions and thoughts, and may be convinced it is ok to betray someone, or even that they are obliged to do so, and break trust without guilt also.
Some people are just oblivious. They may swear they only have eyes for their partner, and mean it, then be unfaithful without even thinking about it. A state of such blindness is often accompanied by an asssumption of self-righteousness, and they may be shocked and angered if the hypocrisy of their actions is pointed out.
Feelings of guiult are as much about context and personality as actually misdeeds.

I stole a cookie but it was ok because I really really like cookies, and other people can't appreciate their deliciousness like I do so I deserve it more than them.
I stole a cookie and now my friends wont talk to me because I'm a filthy theif and I feel so guilty.
I stole a cookie and I feel bad because stealing is worng.
I felt guilty because all my friends had stolen cookies and now they had to share their cookies with me instead of being able to have whole ones for themselves, but then I stole one too so I don't feel bad any more.
I never ever steal. Yum! I love cookies! What? YOU CALL ME ATHIEF!? WHAT THE ****!? WHO DO YOU THINK I AM!? I ATE THE COOKIE BECAUSE I WAS SCARED OF THE COOKIE'S OWNER AND I NEEDED COMFORT!!!! I WAS SCARED!
IF YOU EVER MENTION THAT COOKIE AGAIN I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN!!!! WHAT THE HELL!? YOU STILL WANT YOUR COOKIE!? YOU ARE INSANE!!!!

People are mad.
Cookies are nice.

iguana

Obviously there are different feelings in each individual relationship. Some couples have affairs or enjoy swinging in the knowledge that this is acceptable to their partner. Use of porn is acceptable to some but not others. So there are different boundaries to different relationships.

But I would feel that the majority of us in a committed, monogamous relationship would feel cheated on by our partner if he/she continued an online relationship with someone in secret from us, particularilly if cybersex was involved. An ongoing friendship with someone of the opposite sex is fine as long as long as it's just that, and you don't keep it a secret from your partner. Once this becomes something outside your relationship, and if you are diverting your emotional needs and support from your partner to this person, the chances are your partner will be devestated to find out.

Scenario: A couple are together for a number of years. They live together, are planning to buy a house/get married. Yet all the planning and stress of this plus their jobs is causing them to be short with each other and they don't talk properly or make time for themselves to just be together. An old female friend/new work colleague contacts the guy by email and they start to chat back and forth. Initially the guy plans to tell his girlfriend but with all the other things going on doesn't get round to it.
The guy realises the email-girl is flirting with him, flattered (partly because his and his gf's sex life has become dull) he flirts back. He starts to tell her things he should be telling his gf. Problems about work, his fears about the house/marraige. His relationship is getting worse and he isn't working on it because he is getting his ego stroked by the online relationship. They start to phone each other and he never mentions her to his gf, he hides the emails in a secret folder. They haven't met up but then the gf feeling things aren't right looks at his emails and sees some particularilly flirty ones.

I think she would feel cheated on. She would feel hurt because even if they never had sex they did have an intimacy that belongs in a relationship and excluded her. The bf was getting something he could have gotten from the her from someone else and because of this was letting the relationship get worse. Instead of fixing something that needed fixing he was damaging it more.

But I don't think the guy would feel like he was being unfaithful. He never met the girl never mind had sex. He would probably have a feeling that what he was doing would not be ok and know deep down that he was damaging the trust in his relationship but I don't think his intention was to cheat. Though if he decided he wanted to fix his relationship and see it from his gf's point of view he would feel like he cheated, if he decided he wanted out I don't think he would.

It's cheating and it's not cheating. I think in any long term relationship we will always meet other people we are attracted to. It is probably ok to be friends with these people, to enjoy being around them, as long as both are clear that it is only a friendship and as long as you are not keeping your meetings a secret from your partner.

I don't think you should tell your partner you are attracted to this person though. I think it would just make them uncomfortable. (I'm basing this on the fact that if my partner is attracted to someone I don't want to know about the attraction, I do want to know about the new friendship and what they do together). As long as you is aware that it is just a pheromone thing, the earths way of telling you that you two would have good babies, and it will never become more than an open friendship then thats ok in my opinion.

CathyMoran

I do not think that it technically becomes an affair until something physical happens - it does not mean that it can not be damaging - if both sides are aware that it is purely flirting and nothing else will ever happen then it is almost OK, however if the other partner is not aware of the flirty friendship then it can be damaging...

ether

Online affairs or relationships do affect a relationship, you might not be doing anything physical but you're thinking about another person in the same way you would your partner. I've heard the term 'just because you're on a diet, doesn't mean you can't look at the menu', thats fine but just leave it at that, because eventually you're gonna start thinking less about your partner and more about this secret,maybe more exciting in the short term affair/relationship.

solo1

Simple rule. If you feel guilty, you are.

I have a better rule: if you're consciously hiding some relationship from your partner, maybe that's a sign that you're not supposed to be doing it.

I got married to a girl I met on the internet. How weird is that?

Dades

solo1 wrote:

I got married to a girl I met on the internet. How weird is that?

Pretty weird

solo -you really are doing your annual boards round!

Zulu

pwd wrote:

heh. Your view of things is dreadfully simplistic.

Genuinely: did you read what I wrote? Did you understand it?

Different people feel guilt to different degrees. Some people remain faithful to an ex after splitting up, and feel guilty about meeting other people even then, despite not having any mental issues.

Indeed. You don't just switch off feeling as soon as you split up.

...simplistic ehhh, are you sure it's not just your perception that's simplistic? Or is just your way to drag a discussion down the roads of an argument? The point you make doesn't contradict my point, and vice versa. You go off, trying to explain all circumstances of guilt - good for you, and then some rant about cookies - good man. Go have a cookie.

But you don't seem to have understood my point:
"A person in a relationship has the best understanding of the boundaries of that said relationship, thus, if they feel guilt, it is more than likely because they have committed a betrayal of sorts, whether imaginary or not."