Thank you Animal Planet, thank you so very much.

Yo Mamma

Sunday, August 12, 2001 - 6:27 some station!
Occasonally, insomnia pays off. This time it paid off in spades. at 5 am I caught a special about a rougue squirrel that was holding at town hostage. Thats right a squirrel.

Over a six week period this squirrel attacked 11 people. These attacks were illustrated through a serries of truly crappy dramatic re-enactments in which a stuffed sqirrel was attached to the legs of the victims as they would swat at it, jumping and screaming. Robert Stack is spinning in his grave. Most of these attacks resulted in the drawing of blood, some even requiring stitches. One man was knocked down by the force of a sqirrel jumping onto his back. This man had been in the WWII and told police that he had never been that frightend before. The description of the squirrel was given to the police so that they could possibly aprehend the squirrel, I suppose. (I imagine the police have a book full of squirrel mug shots.)

Let me back up here for a moment. Let's say for instance that if I were out in my back yard, watering the plants and what not, and some vicious, rampaging, squirrel came flying across the yard and up my leg and began to bite me, the last thing I would do is call the cops. I mean ****, I would be embarrised as hell. For the first couple of calls, I imagine the police just bust out into laughter right after hanging up on these sqirrel attack victims... then they started taking descriptions.

I picture a cheesy tv cop show. The detective heads out to Squirrel-town, and roughs up the usual squirrels or slips them nuts under the table to get the low down on the new bad ass in town, attacking innocent people. So um lets move on.

One police officer was patroling the streets when he saw a sqirrel on a porch. For what ever reason he decided that this squirrel fit the description. He drove up into the drive way, when the one of the people living in this house came out and was attacked by this squirrel. The police officer bolted out of his car and the woman from the house escaped into her car, and the squirrel ran under the car. The police officer began to hit the tires of the car with his baton hoping to drive out the squirrel. When this didn't work he not only called animal control but he also radioed for back up, as if this sqirrel was too much for him to handle. I guess the word on the street about this squirrel traveled fast. Before either could make it to the scene of the attack the squirrel got away.

Squirrel: 1 Police: 0

Needless to say that the residents of this small Ohio town were prisoners in their own homes, and I suppose cars, and stores, and resturants. They just couldn't hang out in their yards. Action was needed, and it was needed quick. Luckly, one of the previous victims noticed a squirrel was on her porch and figured this was the squirrel in question. A police officer was dispatched with a bb rifle. (The police manual lists the Daisy pump action rifle as the appropriate fire arm for dealing with squirrels.) The squirrel was in the tree when the police officer shot him through the neck. The officer scooped up the sqirrel and placed the lifeless little squirrel body in a plastic wal-mart sack and took him away. At this point the officer who dispatched the sqirrel stopped recounting his thoughts about killing the sqirrel and turned to the camera and said these words, "...... He didn't even have rabies, no rabies at all." This was very ominous.

After the death of this sqirrel the attacks stoped. No one was really sure why this particular sqirrel was attacking people. I just assumed that he was testing the waters for a sqirrel uprising, but because he got dealt with the revolution never happend. I can only imagine the squirrel restiance meeting after this:

Larry the Squirrel: Did you hear they killed Cornelius? The uprisng as been canceld.

Fredrico the Squirrel: Well **** and I have been stock piling extra nuts for weeks prepairing for this. I guess I'll make them into party hats or something.

Thats all the dialogue I really have for the squirrel meeting it not like they are Mensa or anything. They are squirrels for God's sakes.

At anyrate, the rest of this show goes on to details other animal happenings such as how a man got his neck broken by a parakeet in a wal-mart and how a turkey poacher got shot in the leg by a turkey.

Thank you Animal Planet.

L O L

Dr. Loon

Squirrels are viscious fúckers though....but if one happened to lash onto my leg and start chomping into it, I'd simply grab the fúcker by the neck and snap it, I'd then proceed to remove it from my leg and whip it into me wheely bin. Sorted.

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Fink

BlitzKrieg

OMG!!!! tha is funny... only in USA