and to be fair:Anti men jokes

stu_69

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.

Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the **** out of you.

Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
So oxygen can get into their brains

How do you get a man to do situps?
Put the remote control between his toes

Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will
ask for directions

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini

Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.

Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 31/2" floppy

Why is a man different from a PC?
You only have to tell the PC once

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites Attract.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and
forefinger) is 9 inches.

What's the difference between a pub and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a pub.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.

What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.

How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their
guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while
the other is just having a baby.

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a
single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the
40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating
hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.

Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.

What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make,
'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that
extra snow to make its testicles.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.

How do you know if a man is lying?
His lips are moving!

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell!

How are men like chocolates?
A.They never last long enough
B.They always leave stains whenever they get hot.

What's the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they get drunk!

What do you get when you cross a man with a pig?
Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.

What's a sure sign a man is planning to be unfaithful?
If he has a penis.

What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her.

Qualm

Men are like..... Snowstorms - You never know when he's coming,how
many inches you'll get or how long he will last.
Men are like..... Bananas - The older they get,the less firm they
are.
Men are like..... Vacations - They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like..... Bank Machines - Once they withdraw they lose interest.
Men are like..... Cement - After getting laid,they take a long
time to get hard.
Men are like..... Chocolate Bars - Sweet, smooth,and they usually
head right for your hips.
Men are like..... Coffee - The best ones are rich,warm, and can
keep you up all night long.
Men are like..... Department Stores - Their clothes should always
be half off.
Men are like..... Government bonds - They take so long to mature.
Men are like..... Horoscopes - They always tell you what to do and
are usually wrong.
Men are like..... Lawn Mowers - If you're not pushing one around,
then you're riding it.
Men are like..... Mascara - They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like..... Popcorn - They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

---

Qualms, I dont gots any

Noddy

Taxes

Charlie McCreevy (Irish Finance Minister) announced yesterday that VAT would definitely apply to the penis because it provides a service. The way the tax will apply was difficult to decide. This was due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it's hard up, 20% of the time it's ****ed of and 10% of the time it's in a hole. On top of that it has two dependants and they are both nuts. Effective from September 1st 2002 a penis will be taxed according to size:

4-5" NUISANCE TAX

5-8" PRIVILEGE TAX

8-10" LUXURY TAX

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.

Anyone under 4"is eligible for a refund. (PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION).

The tax payers association is still awaiting clarification on a number of questions raised in this new tax, including:

- Are there penalties for early withdrawls?

- What if one's penis is self employed?

- Do multiple partners count as a corporation?

- Are comdoms deductable as work clothes?