Number of Drinks & Behavioural Differences

phaxx

Number of Drinks & Behavioural Differences

One - Relaxed

To most drinkers the first pint or whatever
disappears almost unnoticed and will have little or no effect on speech / co-ordination
etc. Conversation will be of the polite, perfunctory variety e.g. soaps, schooldays, sport
and the price of net curtains, etc...Some beer-mat flicking will be in evidence, as the
ice hasn’t quite melted yet. Potentially a good time for the politically incorrect
amongst you to tell a bad taste or sexist joke. Did you hear the one about the one-eyed
Latvian and the chicken?

Two - Merry

With the taste of that naughty little intoxicant
in your mouth, the second drink is invariably downed at a much faster rate than the first,
with everyone anticipating the revelry to come. Conversation will have picked up probably
now touching on sports, soaps, schooldays - what else is there? Oh yeah -and in non-specific detail, sex. It’s time to consider your first visit to the toilet, get a
round of drinks on your way back. This is a good time to go to buy drinks, the bar will be
easily accessible and if not everyone has shown up yet, you will get away with a smaller
round, enough said.

Three - Tipsy

Inhibitions start to break down as the alcohol
puts to bed the spoilsport part of the brain that controls reasonable behaviour. The urge
to consume copious amounts of salted bar-snacks will begin about now and last right up
until the first wave of nausea strikes. Conversation still on soaps and sports - however,
the sex talk becomes more specific and of a "I’d give that one" nature.
Still a weight off your mind, you will have forgotten all about the price of net curtains.
Could be a good time for the first belching contest of the evening, boys in particular go
a bundle on this type of competition.

Four - Half-cut

Voices are without doubt getting louder and the
same jokes are now much, much funnier than they seemed earlier. The incessant repetition
of some dodgy comedian’s redundant catch phrase will also never fail to get
laughs...very poor. Hands on top of your pint, as anything else is an open invitation to
get to have a bar snack thrown in it. The conversation now turns from the idle fantasy of
‘partners you wished you’d had’ to graphic detail of the ‘partners
you’ve had’. Hand/eye co-ordination is now on the difficult side, boys take care
not to catch your foreskin (or anyone else’s) in your zip fly. Some girls will be
working up to the first of the evening’s "nobody likes me - everybody hates
me" tears in the toilet crises.

Five - Drunk

Definitely the best part of the evening,
everything is funny and everybody loves each other, this is what social drinking is all
about. However, it’s all downhill from now on, is those deep dark primeval urges -
such as the need to eat the flesh of a dead animal or more commonly to procreate, take
over - and man is driven to satiate these ancient desires come what may.

Six to Seven - Rat-arsed

Anything you say from now on you will regret in
the morning, that’s if anybody else can remember what the hell you were talking
about, but mark my words, there’s always one who will. Conversation will now be on a
one-to-one basis, as nobody possesses the necessary social skills to interact with anybody
but the person nearest them. Thoughts return to the flesh of the opposite sex, will they
ever go away? Some people expound the theory that you always tell the truth when you’re drunk, but I am more the opinion you always say whatever is necessary to end
up in the pantyhose/y-fronts of the person you’ve got the most chance to do so with.
Vomiting is now a distinct possibility, a clandestine tactical chuck at this stage of the
evening is advisable as a public one later could ruin any chance of a meaningful sexual
encounter and will also leave room for a curry.

Eight to Ten - ****-faced (alternatively ****ered)

It is now that time of the evening when your fellow drinkers undergo massive
mood changes. Some people get aggressive when they’ve had one over the eight,
particularly those whose drink you’ve just hoovered. Others get maudlin, teary and
start to question the purpose of their existence of this planet. Hey, if only they’d
realise that there isn’t one and that having fun down the pub with friends is as
close as it gets. Me? I know it’s hard to imagine but I find I get even wittier, even
more charming and better looking at this stage in the proceedings. Unfortunately, nobody
else seems to notice - ****heads.

Ten to Fifteen - Esperanto

For some reason you will find yourself totally
fluent in Esperanto, however, nobody shares your bilingual talent. It is also quite
possible that you’ll fall over at any minute. What the hey, don’t worry about
it, if ever there was a time to fall **** over tit, this is it - it won’t hurt in the
slightest and if you’ve got any friends left in the morning you can proudly show off
your beer wounds. By now your carnal wants will be replaced by the overwhelming desire to
sleep in your own bed - if you don’t live nearby, the pavement will look ever so
tempting, particularly to back-sufferers as its orthopaedic qualities are well known.

Fifteen Plus - Clinically Dead

You’ll feel like you’ve been eaten by
a wolf and spewed out over a cliff - but don’t you worry about it, what better place
to sleep off your hangover and try desperately to remember what the **** you did the night
before, than at work. Never again till the next time (or even lunchtime), mine’s a
pint and get one in for yourself - cheers then.

[edit] Mordeth, I believe you can identify with this [/edit]

[This message has been edited by phaxx (edited 03-08-2001).]

WhiteWashMan

good stuff!
anyone have the seven stages of beer drinking by bill hicks....
stage 3 - you ARE astroturf...

Noddy

Arthur's Creed (the Guiness Prayer!)

We believe in one drink, Guinness the almighty
Makers of cans and bottles
Of all that is drunk and un-drunk
We believe in one brewer, Arthur
The only son of Guinness
Eternally begotten of the Hops
Hops from Hops, barley from barley
True drink from true drink
Begotten not made
Of one destillery of the father
Through it all things were made
Fur us men and our salvation
It comes down from St James Gate
By the power of the market he became incarnate
And was made a rich man
For our sake we are crucified under Pontious Prices
Bad pints, suffer hangovers and A.A. meetings
On the next day we rise again in accordance
With our scruples and ascend into oblivion
We come again to judge the living and the dead
We believe in one alcoholic beverage
Brewed and bottled under one licence
We acknowledge one Arthur, son of the almighty pint
Conceived in heaven and sold on earth
Blessed is the one drink through one father and many sons
Sold under one label and distributed throughout the world
And a cure for hangovers
AMEN


Beer Troubleshooting Guide

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle
Action: Rotate glass so that it's open end points towards the ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Symptom: Beer unuasally pale an tasteless.
Fault: Glass empty.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen backwards.
Action: Have yourself leashed to bar.

Symptom: Mouth contacin cigarette buts.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action See above.

Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Action: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Action: Get someone to uy you another beer.

Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom:Room seems unuasally dark.
Fault: Bar is closed.
Action: Confirm hame address with bar tender.

Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Action: Cover mouth.

Symptom: Everyone looks up at you and smiles.
Fault: You are dancing on the table.
Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking.

Symptom: Beer is crysta- clear.
fault: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
Action: Punch him.

Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault: You have been in a fight.
Action: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Symptom: Don't recognise anyone, or the room you're in.
Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
Action: See if they have free beer.

Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: The beer is too weak.
Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.

Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song.
Fault: Beer is just right.
Action: Play ari guitar.


The Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk (Iwill be drunk)
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter, the lager
BARMEN.