Two Old Poems

hada

Looking through my pages of old material today I came across these two poems. They were probably the first poems I ever wrote that I actually "finished". Anyway, it's funny to look at them now, they remind me of a cross between Emily Dickinson and G.M. Hopkins, except, well not as good! Well here goes, any criticisim (as always) would be absolutely welcome.

Untitled

the tables have turned,
the sun in night, the moon in day -
and I am in day.

the once outwardly outward one has retreated,
has fallen deep down
to the Darkness.
there is no one
there is darkness,
Where he lies now -
- Alone -

Gazing upward, the light ascends
away from me,
away from my widening pupils
Ending all thought -
and so it is:

I begin to burn and turn
in the helishly crimson cauldron
that is my mind.
The demons of hate
Each with a hand on the stir
of my minds ill brew -
My creaking soul

Stop. I stop.
But what I do stop for,
are the simple things -
not the big things.
for these are the things
I digest most painfully,
for the are My goblins
- And They Will Not Go Away -

---

Looking To The Future


Ah! creative blunders; they are what I live
for -
the mistaking hate of

I know I write this in vain,
for the bridge has been all but too burned
been treaded and trounced too many a time.

- My mind ablunder with thoughts -
On to which I can throw no calming,
my eyes, scorching, with unsavoury images
Of the wrong people at the wrong? time

There isn't much I could do but
sit, openly silent against the backdrop of Provedance's
all but too familar face -
wait for its twice told tale to unravel,
untangle and let it's fate unwind my mind.

hada

Not meaning to be an annoyance, but I'm thinking of putting together (well I'm actually in the process of compiling) poetry for a local publication here, and I was kind of hoping to get any amount of feedback on these two particular poems. Even if you haven't the slightest clue as to what I'm writing about etc, anything will do as far as a critique..

humbleCounty

hmm,

think the first one is much better than the second, (dont really like that one)

personally i dont like the kind of "message" in the last stanza of the first one, but thats just a personal thing big time, so other people might

beyond that i wouldnt have a clue how to critique a poem

actually if it were me, id probably leave the first poem with just the 3 first stanzas, if you feel it needs more, maybe write another, i read it a few times though, and the first 3 are great, then it kinda loses me

good luck

MojoMaker

As I mention now and again, if you want to write earthy poetry read Kavanagh, if you wish to write indulgent poetry (like these two) read Shelley.

Cast your mind over Ozymandias if you get a moment this week. Every line is an image, every image a path, every path a way to a new destination for the reader. I agree with the previous poster, the first poem is better but the last stanza makes no sense to me. Leaving aside the dodgy grammatical construction, it sounds forced to me.

mrosamabinladen

o my dear. haven't cringed this much since tom cruise went on oprah. i'm sorry but u did say that criticism would be welcome. don't give up the day job

mrosamabinladen

I begin to burn and turn
in the helishly crimson cauldron
that is my mind.

get a girlfriend buddy seriously! you'll feel better

darkestlord

mrosamabinladen wrote: »

I begin to burn and turn
in the helishly crimson cauldron
that is my mind.

get a girlfriend buddy seriously! you'll feel better

Read this.

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/hellishly/

analyse this

A tad cringy but, seeing as they were some of your first poems, they were reasonably good attempts. As one of the posters has already stated, it seems a bit forced. You're trying too hard to create that image of depression and darkness. It should come naturally. I'd recommend having a look at 'Elm' by Plath, one of my personal favourites and quite similar to your first poem in what it is trying to portray.

mrosamabinladen

darkestlord wrote: »

Read this.

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/hellishly/

i read it, what am i looking out for?

darkestlord

mrosamabinladen wrote: »

i read it, what am i looking out for?

I thought this site was for constructive critism, not for people to laugh at others and take the pi@@.
If you wanted to help him you could have told him to watch the spelling and to keep at it.He did say it was OLD material.
Hellishly, its two "l" not one , you did'nt notice that. Too busy giving useless advice.

Sarky

mrosamabinladen banned for not listening to a word I've said in all the other threads this happens in.