Stranded

Kraken

A man gets shipwrecked on a small island. After a few days wandering,he comes across a tribe of natives who have just lost their chieftan.The tribe's high priest tells the man that as he is the first outsider they have seen in twenty years, he must take three tests. If he passes al three tests, the tribe will accept him as their new chief. "fair enough," says the man. "Just let me know what the tests are and I'll get right on them." The piest takes him to a clearing with three straw huts in it, turns to the man and explains the tests. "In the first hut, you'll find 20 gallons of our native beer. You must drink all of this to complete this test. In the second hut is a gorilla with a sore tooth. You must pull his tooth and survive to pass this test. In the third hut is the ex-chieftan's daughter. You must make love to her until she can take nomore." The man agrees to the tests and begns the first test. Three hours later, he walks out of the hut and goes toward the second hut. The priest asks if he would like to have a rest, but the man says he wants to get all the tests done before he sleeps. He goes into th second hut. After two hours he comes out covered from head to toe in blood and sctratches. He turns to the priest and says "Now lead me to the girl with the sore tooth."!!!!!!!!

Kraken

Little Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps: 1. Unbutton pants 2. Pull pants down 3. Pull foreskin back 4. Pee 5. Push foreskin forward 6. Pull pants up and button She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did good. Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast
3-5,3-5,3-5...

Kraken

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?" "None.",replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher neverously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking. Another day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about." "Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high,but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish. Well, johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like the way your thinking!

Kraken

Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question and if you get it right you don't have to go to school on Monday.The fist friday the question was how many gallons of water is there in the whole world. No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday. Next Friday the question was how many grains of sand is there in the whole world. No one knew so they had to sgo to school on Monday. By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn't want to go to school on Monday, so he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the two black ping-pong balls up to her and she said,"Who is the comedian with two black balls?" Little Johnny said," Bill Cosby. See you on Tuesday."

Kraken

One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most
of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted
by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion,
to try to be as irritating as they were to me.
The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:
Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on. At this point I put the phone down for a solid
5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up
the phone. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver,
they were still waiting.
Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks
for calling. When you are not interested in something, I don't
think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm
really not interested", but this lady was persistent.
AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute,
24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Now, I am sure
she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she
at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was
time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest)
Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!

AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one
big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you
send an annual check, can I get a cash advance? AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day,
7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008
per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing
how you will be making payment. AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean
we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents
a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll
give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute?
Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read
about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your
alien brainwashing techniques on me. AT&T: No sir we are offering
10 cents a minute for..... Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak
to a supervisor please?
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold on. So now AT&T has me on hold
and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting
for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have
a mouth full of food:
Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeah? Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding
our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is. I had to swallow before I choked
on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and
I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to
me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: Ok, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person
who was helping you.
Me: Thank you. I was on hold once again and was getting really
hungry. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was
an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in
signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can
never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really
like to have a little brother...
AT&T: (click)