Letting Someone Down Gently

Chinafoot

Ok the story is about the 3 years ago I ended up kissing a guy from near where I live. We didn't really know each other before that but knew of each other. This only lasted about 2 weeks and i didn't think it was anything major as I had just come out of a 2 year relationship with a very messy breakup, plus we had never said we were going out or anything.
So this guy, lets call him Tom, went away on a lads weekend in Wales and met a girl. He told me about it when he got back and i had had also been with somebody else that weekend so i said "its fine don't worry about it, its not like we were going out or anything." He got majorly pissed off but we decided to be friends. All grand.
anyway a few months later i went to Australia for a year and we kept in touch. During this time Tom had been going to Wales regularly to see this girl and she ended up pregnant.

While all this was going on Tom was, and still is, telling me that he has feelings for me and he wants to "give it a go".....i dont know what the situation is with the girl in Wales, his mates say they're not together anymore but he still goes over to see his son.

This comes up anytime he gets a few drinks on him.....he rings me at 3 am and wants me to meet him and I keep trying to tell him that nothings going to happen between us. he did it again on saturday and told me that he wants us to go away for the night "just as friends"......and that he cant help the way he feels about me. i dont get it! i mean we were with each other a few times years ago and we dont even see each other that often except for nights out!

my sister thinks im crazy to even have anything to do with him but i feel kind of sorry for him and i dont want to be cruel. But at the same time im getting sick of having the same conversation everytime i see him.

Should i just not talk to him for a while or should i just be blunt and tell him nothing is going to happen!?

CathyMoran

The old reliable of saying that you have a boyfriend in some subtle way...or start talking about your serious crush on somebody else... Though the truth may be kinder.

LegacyUser

peachypants wrote:

i feel kind of sorry for him and i dont want to be cruel. But at the same time im getting sick of having the same conversation everytime i see him.

You are answering your own questions here. You aren't interested in him, thats not being cruel (as long as you haven't been leading the guy on) .. its life.

peachypants wrote:

Should i just not talk to him for a while or should i just be blunt and tell him nothing is going to happen!?

Both I think, you have to explain to this guy that as much as you like him as a friend that is as far as it will go. I mean what else can you do, realistically?? Anything else and you're giving him a false hope. Be honest .. it might sting for a bit but its better that way .. for both of you.

Nevyn

tape the converstaions

get 3 or 4 of them and then play them to him , tell him that this is not acceptible and that he needs to stop it or get out of your life.

Chinafoot

Thaed wrote:

tape the converstaions

get 3 or 4 of them and then play them to him , tell him that this is not acceptible and that he needs to stop it or get out of your life.

i keep the text messages he sends and ask him about them....his excuse for saturdays lot was that he was "testing how drunk" i was! and that he didnt really mean that he wanted us to go away together for a few days.,.....unless thats what i want!!!!

i always say "i dont think that would be a good idea" or "i dont think of you like that" but then he starts saying that i must hate him and makes me feel sorry for him again.......probably gives him the wrong idea.

ugh i dont know.....think brutal honesty may have to be the best policy

The_Conductor

Unfortunately its past the point of letting him down gently- so the thread title is a bit of a misnomer.
Be blunt, be honest, and leave no room for confusion or chance of misunderstanding.
You seem to be dancing around the bush, without ever getting to the point. You've tried the "gently" approach, it hasn't worked, time to move on and be more adamant and firm in your response.

vorbis

i'd have to agree with smccarrick, you've given him all the signs that you're not interested in him. Uf he refuses to accept them, then you'll have to tell it to him bluntly.

Dooid

Personally I hate it when girls try to let you down gently, as though they're doing you a favor when you know full well they just want to make themselves feel better. I much prefer it and I think it's far more respectful to just be firm and honest. It's simpler too, just say you don't feel the same way about him that he does about you and that friendship isn't on the cards. My advice to the ladies out there, stop trying to save our feelings just tell it how it is, its much easier in the long run and anything's better than 'it's not you, it's me,' or 'I have personal issues,' or my personal favorite 'You're too nice for me!'

In this case it seems like he's in love with you or something very close to it. I don't think you can be friends with somebody who feels like that about you. It sounds like you've tried the nice approach and he ain't getting the message so you'll just have to tell him bluntly that you're not interested and that you don't want him to contact you anymore. In a way he's only got himself to blame because if you told him that nothing was going to happen he should have listened. Don't worry about his feelings, you'll never get the message through if you do.

Kell

Just come out with it to him- "Stop wasting my time you loser. I dont have the time or the patience for your drivel".

Practise makes perfect.

K-

misswex

Like everyone else has said, your just going to have to be really blunt with him!! The softly, sofltly approach isn't working.

So just tell him that you will never see him the way he wants you too and if he continues to text you those messages that you will have to break off all contact with him!!

Hope he gets the message!!

seamus

peachypants wrote:

i keep the text messages he sends and ask him about them....his excuse for saturdays lot was that he was "testing how drunk" i was!

Classy...

and that he didnt really mean that he wanted us to go away together for a few days.,.....unless thats what i want!!!!

Or said another way - "I would really like this, but don't want to sound any more like an obsessive psycho, so I'll pretend it was an off-the-cuff remark".

Stop answering his calls and returning his texts. If you're out on a Saturday night, don't answer him. If you're in bed, turn your phone off. Just allowing him access to your time gives him some indicator in his weird head, and he'll keep it up.

Cut him out for a month, and you'll never hear from him again.

WhiteWashMan

just tell him that you are not interested.

stop wasting your time and his.

dearg_doom

I'd have to agree with Dooid here, girls trying to let you down normally gets painfully awkward!!

Just be honest, we are men, we may act like cute boys to get into the sack with ye, but seriously we can take rejection!!

At the very least we're not babies, you don't need to walk on eggshells around anyone, especially someone you have had sex with FFS.


To the OP, it is clear from your post that you've moved on and you never want to score him again, but you are open to a platonic friendship,

Just tell him exactly how you feel. Even if it makes him cry, its better for him and you in the longterm.

Mr. Presentable

I have a friend who regularly has this problem with men.

My advice to you is the same as I gave her.

Tell him "NO". He either stops the pursuit or stops being your friend altogether. She never fully takes this advice and sends out mixed signals as a result, and so the problem persists with some of these guys for years!

If a bloke thinks he has any chance he will keep at you and at you and....

LegacyUser

Change your mobile number.
Delete his texts without reading
Don't answer the phone.
Lock all the windows
Pull down the blinds

finito .. put your foot down ..