Raggot's Revenge

TheWolf

(Taken from an actual article in the 'LA Times')

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake.

But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil" Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors and the severe burns
unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner, Andrew 'Kiki' Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.

"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped 'Raggot' our pet gerbil in" he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted 'Armageddon', my indication that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking that the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of gas and a flame shot out of the tube, igniting mr Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which inturn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."

Tomaszewski suffered third degree burns to his face and a broken nose from the speeding gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

OK. So heres the top ten things that frightened me the most when reading this story.

10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum."

9) "So I peered into the tube..." I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.

8) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot outof this guys ass like Rocky the flying squirrel.

7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's ass. I seriously doubt that said gerbil was spring fresh after his little trip into Kiki's tunnel of love.

6) The thought that there are people walking around with these little pockets of gas in their intestines.

5) People who do this sort of thing and admit what they are doing when taken to the emergency room. I'm sorry, but I think I would make up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomising me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well Doc, it happened like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."

4) "First and second degree burns to the anus...". Wouldn't this make the burning and itch of haemorrhoids a welcome relief? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of the Earth.

3) People named 'Kiki' which is obviously Polynesian for "Idiotic men who insert rodents up their ass".

2) What kind of hospital holds a news conference on this sort of thing?

1) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons anyway? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.

---

"Some would say the refridgerator is half full, some would say half empty, I simply say WHO ATE MY PIZZA!!!"

Hobbes

Would be funny except for the fact it's all lies.

Shagus

I think its still funny

laf

WhiteWashMan

and very very old.
and still not funny