Il post a few more before I go home...

TheWolf · 18-07-2001 4:38pm #1

Lottery winner
(not very woman friendly BTW...)

A man walks in and tells his wife, "Honey, pack your bags, I just hit the lottery!!"
She says, "Thats great! Should I pack for the beach, or the mountains"?
He says, "I dont care, just get the **** out!!"

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Chicken and the Egg

There was this Chicken and this Egg laying in Bed together. The Chicken had this look of satisfaction all over her face and was smoking a cigaret.
The Egg, not quite as satisfied, looked over and said: "Guess that answers that old question, doesn't it?"

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The Brickie's Balls

This bricklayer walks onto a building site in Dublin and applies for a job. The site foreman is impressed by his job references and past experiences. He looks fit and has a good personality. He is on the verge of offering the man a job when he notices a break of six months in his employment record. The foreman asks: "What were ye doing for six months? The bricklayer shuffles his feet a bit and replies: "Well, there was this accident on site and I was injured by a chainsaw."

"That's terrible," says the foremen, "was it a bad injury?"

The bricklayer shuffles his feet even more and replies: "It's not something I'd want passed around the site if you don't mind, but the chainsaw caught me in the groin and they had to amputate both my testicles in hospital later."

"Well not to worry, I can see why you wouldn't want that known," says the foreman. "You look fit enough now and your references are excellent, so start tomorrow morning."

"That's great," says the bricklayer, "what time do you start on this site?"

"Well," says the foreman, "we start at 8 a.m. here, but we normally stand around scratching our balls for the first couple of hours, so you can start at 10."

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(edit, lift home is delayed for a few minutes, so heres some more...

)

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year old. You always feel like you have to píss. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

Do you have trouble píssing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I píss every morning at 6:00. I shít like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old

"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You píss every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

I don't wake up until 7:00!"
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When I was younger I hated going to weddings...it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that crap after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals...
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Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hrs later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hrs to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hrs left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for a third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning.....you don't."

"Some would say the refridgerator is half full, some would say half empty, I simply say WHO ATE MY PIZZA!!!"

[This message has been edited by TheWolf (edited 18-07-2001).]