distraught girlfriend

x.x.x

ok this is hard to articulate - i'll be going abroad for what may be a long time.
my gf is absolutely devastated and heartbroken, cries more often then not, saying she doesn't know what she'll do without me.
she hasn't many friends in dublin and i'm really worried about her being alone - i've suggested shhe go to a councilor, any advice on ways she can make friends, or i don't know...ideas generaly so she won't be lonely
any help will be very gratefuly appreciated

stakey

can u not bring her with u?

uberwolf

deconstruct wrote:

can u not bring her with u?

thats probably besides the point, he either can't or doesn't want to but remains concerned about her well being.

She's taking this like you're breaking up - but with no reason. Time should help as she adjusts to the idea. Sounds like maybe she wasn't doing the healthiest thing by being utterly reliant on you for company.

If you're not breaking up with her you need to reassure her, find something for her to do in your absence(other than your neighbour) and see from there.

x.x.x

no, she's an educator, so she obviously can't pick up and leave.

x.x.x

thanks uberwolf - i've mentioned to her numerous times that i'm worried about her depenence.
it will be a break up,looks like i'll be gone a year, maybe more depending on money

uberwolf

x.x.x wrote:

thanks uberwolf - i've mentioned to her numerous times that i'm worried about her depenence.
it will be a break up,looks like i'll be gone a year, maybe more depending on money

I have friends who made it through an antipodean adventure apart. Course she then split up with him 6 months after she got back.

That is presuming you have any desire to stay with her. IMO this may not be the best idea though - sounds like you're doing the travelling for the year thing. If you're doing this having a tie like that at home kinda defeats the purpose.

If you are breaking up with her you need to be clear about it, explain yourself as she deserves an answer. Don't give her false hope.

Then it just becomes an 'ordinary' break up, you're travelling because that's where you need to be. She's not a part of that, or of your life at the moment. So even with no, cheating, constant arguments, etc you guys aren't keeping each other happy for some reason or I suspect you mightn't be as keen to travel.

Of course I could be misinterpreting the scant info you've given, but thats my reading of what you're doing.

G'Luck

stoopidkid

how long is a long time? i guess she'll just get used to eventually, but she feels that you're gonna move away and possibly find someone better and never come back

x.x.x

i guess she will get used to it, but she is just so sad, crying constantly, not eating or sleeping, i just want to do what i can to help her be happy when i'm gone

the_syco

Split with her.

There's been a few threads on this board about clingy women blackmailing their spouses who were going to leave (J1, see the world, etc) with suicde, and what not.

Also, it'll be better for her mental health, IMHO, cos if you stay together, she'll expect you to ring every 2 or 3 days, etc, and also she'll be worrying about you. Whereas if you split, you can just do the odd phonecall, etc.

stoopidkid

the_syco wrote:

Split with her.

There's been a few threads on this board about clingy women blackmailing their spouses who were going to leave (J1, see the world, etc) with suicde, and what not.

Also, it'll be better for her mental health, IMHO, cos if you stay together, she'll expect you to ring every 2 or 3 days, etc, and also she'll be worrying about you. Whereas if you split, you can just do the odd phonecall, etc.

:rolleyes:

it's just a self confidence thing, she's just scared she'll lose you.. when the time comes and you move away, just make sure to keep in contact and reassure her you still love her.. send letters, emails, phone calls.. everything.. as long as you still love her and want to be with her then none of this should be a problem.

you can also arrange for her to come over for a holiday etc(if this is convenient of course)

x.x.x

oh we are breaking up, i'll contact her every so often while i'm away to say hi - in as much a brotherly type of way as possible.
any suggestion about the later part of the post,how to hellp her...

stoopidkid

well why are you breaking up? if you're breakin up just because you're going away for a while then she's probably better off tbh

*edit* you may think you're being a good guy here... but think of it from her point of view.. all she knows is that you don't want to be with her anymore, now she's all alone feelin depressed, and to add insult to injury she knows that you're breaking up with her because you want to move away(i'm assuming to somewhere nice) to look for better times.. it seems a tad selfish

neuro-praxis

I don't think the original poster would be breaking up with her if he didn't want to. Which is fine.

What a weird way to end your relationship though. No wonder she's distressed, having gotten a heads up that you're ditching her. Most break ups don't really work that way.

If I was in her position I would feel patronised getting advice such as "See a counsellor" or "Join a club and make new friends". I know you mean well, x.x.x., but I don' think you're being very realistic.

Perhaps you could contact somebody that you know truly cares for her (a close sister, her mother, her best friend?) and ask them to keep an eye on her after you leave.

x.x.x

why on earth isn't going to a counseller realistic? i'm worried about her and want to know she'll be ok, a counseller would be a healthy step for her.
in regards to joining a club, she is living away from her home county and her proffestional is quite nomadic after college

bohsboy

You sound a bit arrogant to me to be honest. Bet you'll be gone a few weeks and it will dawn on you then what you did.

x.x.x

arrogant? i don't see how you canjustify calling me that, would you and stoopid kid think better of me i stayed, rejectedthe offer of travel, with i won't get again and resent her?

stoopidkid

but why break up??? re you going away for years and years or somethin? tbh it sounds like you're using traveling as a reason to break up with your gf.. would you break up if you weren't going anywhere?

x.x.x

i'll be away a year,maybe two and i can't rule out longer.
to be honest i didn't post here to explain myself, just want advice like i asked for in the original post...

neuro-praxis

Going to a counseller is perfectly realistic.

However, *you* suggesting *to the person you are dumping* that she see a counseller to get over you is what I think is unrealistic.

I think you should go on your travels, there is no reason not to. But why not break up now instead of leaving her hanging on til the day you leave? It sounds as though you want to have your cake and eat it, which would be fine, if she weren't going crackers over it. She obviously can't handle the situation.

MojoMaker

No, you wanted to make yourself feel better.

The_B_Man

if u plan on keeping her in ur life as a friend or watever then u could always introduce her to ur mates. at least then she'll have a base to build her own friends on.

stoopidkid

my advice is to look into why you really want to break up with your gf.. you only asked today on the travel forum where you could get the best prices for tickets to hong kong, that doesn't sound like it's been well thought out or planned? yet you say that you could be away up to 2 or more years? that sounds like an awful long time for someone who only asked about flights etc today?

i don't mean to be rude.. but i don't think you're showing us the bigger picture.. i don't see breakin up with your gf because you want to go travellin to be a good reason, i can't even comprehend it.. there must be another reason..

and if there truely isn't, then how exactly did you think she would react to you tellin her you're going to honk kong for two years?

x.x.x

listen,i've come to the conclusion that i've wasted my time here, no one has attempted to answer my question, just stick your oar in.
i suggested we break up now, she said she had thought about it but didn't want to. in response to my suggestion to seea counseller she said ' i wish i could say i'm not that bad but maybe'
if you don't want to answer the direct questions i posted don't give me your opinion on the situation in general

stoopidkid

x.x.x wrote:

listen,i've come to the conclusion that i've wasted my time here, no one has attempted to answer my question, just stick your oar in.
i suggested we break up now, she said she had thought about it but didn't want to. in response to my suggestion to seea counseller she said ' i wish i could say i'm not that bad but maybe'
if you don't want to answer the direct questions i posted don't give me your opinion on the situation in general

i see you've avoided all my questions completely

DapperGent

stoopidkid wrote:

i see you've avoided all my questions completely

Your questions are pointless. He's leaving and breaking up with her and wants advice on how to help her because she's really upset.

It isn't a general discussion of the rights and wrongs of his actions or an opportunity to question his motives, it's a request for help. If you have no advice for him then I suggest you keep quiet rather than attempt to bring some adolescent morality into play.

To the original poster: It's an impossible situation. You want to leave and she doesn't want you to. This is normally a bad and horrible scenario but it's compounded by the fact that you're leaving her on her own. You can't fix or ameliorate the situation, only she can do that for herself. I suggest you leave her to it.

stoopidkid

DapperGent wrote:

It isn't a general discussion of the rights and wrongs of his actions or an opportunity to question his motives, it's a request for help. If you have no advice for him then I suggest you keep quiet rather than attempt to bring some adolescent morality into play.

you don't just break up with someone to go travellin, i am only asking simple questions to the guy, instead of running away from a relationship(if that is in fact what he's doin) maybe his girlfriend deserves a better reason for his decision to break up with her.

MojoMaker

I get the distinct feeling from the language used in the lad's posts and the attitude subsequently shown therein (whch changed remarkably quickly btw), that regardless of whether he was travelling anywhere or not he would be here asking how he can break up with his girlfriend without feeling guilty.

He also doesn't like what he's hearing, because it doesn't suit the argument he's presented to himself thus far. So much for us sticking our oar in :rolleyes:

mad m

As the saying goes 'Your damned if you do and your damned if you dont'.Impossible situation like DapperGent said.What time frame are we talking about till you go on this excellent adventure?.She will survive and it will probably make her a stronger person.Only way is up once you're at bottom of ladder.

LegacyUser

neuro-praxis wrote:

Going to a counseller is perfectly realistic.

However, *you* suggesting *to the person you are dumping* that she see a counseller to get over you is what I think is unrealistic.

agreed!!

DapperGent wrote:

Your questions are pointless. He's leaving and breaking up with her and wants advice on how to help her because she's really upset.

Damn right she is! Sounds like she is heart broken, poor girl. She obviously thinks a lot of this guy.
You didn't say how long you were both going out .. but just remember that she won't forget you overnight.

I think the suggestion you made to see a counsellor, even though trying to help .. wouldn't go down very well.
When are you going, immediately??? A couple of weeks?? I know you're breaking up, but try to help her get over it.
People have different ways of dealing with situations.


To everyone else on the thread. The guy is obvously not going to bleed each and every moment of his relationship or
spell out why he wants to end it, or why or if he is going away as a diversion. It might not be a nice way to break up,
but I've heard of this happening in many instances. At least x.x.x is being honest with his "ex". Its over. I've heard of girls/ and guys waiting in Ireland .. and when the person eventuall returns .. they've done the rounds .. and probably found a new girl/boyfriend (or both :eek: ). x.x.x. knows what he wants longterm ... he is asking us for advice, not a psycological analysis of why he doesn't want to go out with her anymore, or even peeking through his history to check his profile .. to find out if hes booked his tickets. Man!!! :rolleyes:

At least he is trying to help her, so less of the harshness.

Maybe x.x.x should be more of a pillock about it!! Is that what your all saying?? Guilty maybe .. but at least he's giving it thought!

jimmycrackcorm

x.x.x wrote:

why on earth isn't going to a counseller realistic? i'm worried about her and want to know she'll be ok, a counseller would be a healthy step for her.

Counselling? did someone die?
Isn't it always the case after when two people split they wonder how they went out with the previous bollox for so long.

What age is your G/Fn- 16/ 17? I can empathize with you. I have a two year old who gets very upset crying and screaming when I go to work in the morning. Life goes on.

DapperGent

stoopidkid wrote:

you don't just break up with someone to go travellin,

Why not?

i am only asking simple questions to the guy, instead of running away from a relationship(if that is in fact what he's doin) maybe his girlfriend deserves a better reason for his decision to break up with her.

At what point does he need to justify his reasons for ending a relationship? Either he's unhappy or he thinks he could be happier elsewhere, seems fair enough to me.

I get the distinct feeling from the language used in the lad's posts and the attitude subsequently shown therein (whch changed remarkably quickly btw), that regardless of whether he was travelling anywhere or not he would be here asking how he can break up with his girlfriend without feeling guilty.

Where does he say he wants to avoid feeling guilty? He's just trying find a way to make her feel better. It's unlikely that such a way exists but everyone seems to be having a go at him for having the temerity to dump someone, which strikes me as a little unfair.

LegacyUser

jimmycrackcorm wrote:

I have a two year old who gets very upset crying and screaming when I go to work in the morning. Life goes on.

v. v. cynical

jimmycrackcorm

bubby wrote:

v. v. cynical

Nah - just older and wiser! been through the whole g/f felt suicidal etc. How nice it was afterwards for us to look back and think how silly things were.

i'd like to know just how young she is cos I couldn't imagein someone in their thirties feeling like that.

LegacyUser

jimmycrackcorm wrote:

Nah - just older and wiser!
.

Older than who?? Wizer than who?? Argonance!! Gawd!! :eek:

jimmycrackcorm wrote:

i'd like to know just how young she is cos I couldn't imagein someone in their thirties feeling like that.

:cool: v. v. uniformed and generalized. Are you a male of the opposite sex??? (as the nuns in our school used to call them). Well if so, then shuurrrrup with ye. Arrogant so and so!!

The_B_Man

jaysus, lets just assume they're gonna break up for watever reason. they're broken up. accept it. now we need to come up wit advice how he can help the girl out while he wont be there. that is a proper man. he cud easily hav just told her to go fuk herself and leave for 2 yrs but he cares. that is a mate. that stoopidkid one is bein ridiculous. look at her other posts and u'll just learn to ignore her. fact is, the OP is leavin but he wants to tie up the loose ends rather than leavin them a mess.

quick question, can ur ex move house/apartment so she moves in with other ppl and can make friends with them? humans need social interaction to avoid goin crazy. seems the obvious solution.

stoopidkid

bubby wrote:

he is asking us for advice, not a psycological analysis of why he doesn't want to go out with her anymore, or even peeking through his history to check his profile .. to find out if hes booked his tickets. Man!!! :rolleyes:

well considering i'm going away myself i tend to look in the travelling forum:rolleyes:

stoopidkid

stoopidkid wrote:

my advice is to look into why you really want to break up with your gf.. you only asked today on the travel forum where you could get the best prices for tickets to hong kong, that doesn't sound like it's been well thought out or planned? yet you say that you could be away up to 2 or more years? that sounds like an awful long time for someone who only asked about flights etc today?

Nonsense.
They are not married and he's a free agent to end the "relationship" if he wants to.She wants him more than the other way round and its as simple as that.He's clearly not selfish as he wants to see that she is cared for when he's away.
Staying in a relationship when you dont want to be in it and dont have those kind of feelings anymore is wrong.
Encouranging a random stranger to stay in a relationship when he's made it clear he doesnt want to , is silly advice.

x.x.x Do as you've decided - break up and ask some one you know to keep an eye on your ex, preferably someone that will encourage her to find someone else.
Dont allow emotional blackmail to interfere with your travel plans.

x.x.x

i'd just like to say a quick thanks to everyone (you know who you are) that've benn a little more rational maybe then others. i appreciate your time.

mad m

jimmycrackcorm wrote:

Counselling? did someone die?

You can go to counselling for anything thats been troubling in your present life that you cant talk to someone in family/friends about.Dont need someone to die. :rolleyes: