I haven't seen this posted......

Ruadan

ALMANAC 2005

JANUARY:
In a bid to compensate for the catastrophic failure that was The Big
Bow Wow, RTÉ launch two new programmes: A sitcom called True Blue
which portrays the life of a garda living in Athlone who sometimes
finds it difficult to balance his life as protector of the peace with
being a single parent and a reality show based on MTV hit Pimp My
Ride, where car experts will fix up the cars of clueless D4 kids who
couldn't be arsed maintaining the cars their Daddies bought them. The
show is due to be called Fix My Cor Please and will be presented by
Amanda Byram.


FEBRUARY:
True Blue and Fix My Cor Please are cancelled, due to being "utterly
useless". With two Dáil by- elections taking place in Meath and
Kildare in March, nominations for candidates are released. Fianna Fáil
choose presenter and all-round nutcase Hector O'hEochagáin to run in
Meath, where he will run against John Bruton's son, Little Johnny
Bruton. In Kildare, due to a bizarre crossing of wires, Fianna Fáil
choose prize-winning horse Beef or Salmon to run as their candidate.
According to a statement released by the party, Charlie McCreevy was
asked to send his recommendation for his constituency successor to the
nominations committee, but instead accidentally sent them a tip he
recieved for the 3:45 at Chepstow. Not to be outdone, Labour nominate
another well known horse-The Clydesdale from the Budweiser Ad-in what
will be the first ever election contested by two horses. Bookies
predict a 5/2 chance of excitement. In other news, Jennifer Lopez
raises several eyebrows when she dumps whatever bloke she was seeing
and marries a vagrant named Harold. Dubbed "Harry the Hairy Hobo" by
the press, she claims that they are "very happy together".



MARCH:
Hector wins the by-election in Meath, 60% to 40%. In a clean sweep,
Fianna Fáil's Beef or Salmon also win in Kildare, beating the Labour
candidate 70% to 30%, further evidence that Labour are incapable of
backing a winning horse. Ireland win the six nations and the grand
slam, and Brian O'Driscoll wins a two-year contract with Pantene.
Jennifer Lopez and Harry the Hairy Hobo break up after Harry tries to
rob an off-license. St. Patrick's Day celebrations are a big success
worldwide. Or at least we think they were, as everyone was too pissed
to tell.



APRIL:
Limerick's crime problem is getting bigger after a series of violent
crimes, and is made no better by a controversial Prime Time Special
entitled Limerick: Ireland's Inner Groin. Justice Minister Michael
McDowell comes up with a unique idea: Getting a big knife and cutting
it off from the rest of Ireland. By an overwhleming majority the Dáil
agree to this and Limerick is set afloat on the 23rd.
Meanwhile in America, George Bush is embarrassed yet again when on way
to a meeting in Boston as, due to a 'clerical snaphoo', he ends up in
Bosnia. Despite being told he was actually in Sarajevo, he still
spends five hours looking for the bar from Cheers.



MAY:
The Republic of Limerick is proclaimed on the 2nd with Willie O'Dea as
President for Life, with Terry Wogan as his deputy. They write the
constitution a day later which consisits of only one article:
"Limerick is great". Jose Mourinho's Chelsea win the League and Cup
double, much to the chagrin of Man United fans, who felt annoyed that
all their filthy cheating throughout the year was all for nothing.
Mourinho promptly leaves Chelsea at the end of the season to take up
the job as manager of Equitorial Guinea. When asked if he could get
them to the World Cup, he said: "Course I bloody can, I am Jose
Mourinho!"



JUNE:
Prompted by angry students who feel that the Leaving Cert is not in
synch with contemporary society, the Dept. of Education make some
sweeping changes. Students of Higher Level Irish were shocked to find
this question on the essay section: "Gráinne or Síle; Who is the
better-looking Seoige?" while the English paper was just as bizarre:
"Compare the place of the Crazy Frog in today's society with the place
of Hamlet in Medieval Danish society". Everyone agrees the new papers
were worse and the old papers are due to return in 2006



JULY:
With an unprecedented heatwave, Ireland's tourism begins to boom, not
to mention many's a pasty-skinned fecker getting scolded. In an
unexpected career move, Brian McFadden tries his hand at acting,
ambitiously auditioning for Sidney Poitier's old part in the
big-budget remake of Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?. However, he's
turned down, as he is neither black nor a talented actor. He does land
a part in another remake, Darby O'Gill and the Little People, as
horsetender number two. Hector falls out with Fianna Fáil and forms
his own party, the Mad Craic Altogether Party (MCAP)



AUGUST:
Darby O' Gill and the Little People Premieres in Dublin, starring
Colin Farrell as that lovable alcoholic Darby, Colm Meaney as the
Leprechaun and Cillian Murphy as your man who goes out with Darby's
daughter. Brian McFadden wins critical acclaim as horsetender number
two, and in case you were wondering, Mick 'Miley Byrne from Glenroe'
Lally played horsetender number one. Derek Mooney takes over the Rose
of Trallee, and perhaps as a direct result of this the applicants are
much older than average. This year's winner was a Mrs. Murphy from
Dungarvan.



SEPTEMBER:
The Progressive Democrats are kicked out of government after Michael
Mc Dowell controversially introduces a plan to make it illegal to have
a first name beginning with the letter 'L'. As a result government
falls and an election is called for Halloween. President O'Dea of
Limerick fears for his life after a popular rebellion. The tracksuit
clad insurgents stormed the Presidential residence in Garryowen and a
two-month siege ensues. Ronan Keating is kidnapped by a group of
crazed English students after he releases a spoken word album based on
the poetry of John Donne. Donne and Dusted is a commercial flop and
costs him £2million in production costs and ransom money.



OCTOBER:
Coming up to the election, Labour reveal a new mascot, Pat the Rabbit,
a seven foot fuzzy red rabbit who tours the country explaining
Labour's policies, but he is cruelly gunned down by an unknown sniper
outside Harvey Norman's in Dundalk. Hector's MCAP turn on the style,
bringing out some of his celebrity friends to boost their profile,
some of whom run for seats. The results of the election were
suprising: Fianna Fáil are booted out of government, with a Fine
Gael/Labour/MCAP alliance. Hector is appointed Minister of Fisheries,
the Gaeltacht and Fun, with friend and comedian Tommy Tiernan Minister
for Transport and Fireworks



NOVEMBER:
After years of fighting in Northern Ireland, paramilitaries on both
sides agree to put their weapons down for good after months of secret
talks between the DUP and Sinn Fein. Reportedly, when their guns were
being destroyed, Martin McGuinness spontaneously burst into song and
was quickly joined by politicans and paramilitaries on both sides in a
rendition of "Get By with a Little Help from My Friends". But a downer
is soon put on the occassion when deputy DUP leader and professional
kiss-ass Peter Robinson claims Dr. Paisley's judgement was impaired
during the meetings, claiming he has witnesses who saw a mysterious
bearded man with glasses and a gold fainne drugging Paisley's lunch.
Police are baffled as to who it might be.



DECEMBER:
President O'Dea is finally deposed by the tracksuit clad insurgents in
what soon becomes known as "The Reebok Rebellion". All his statues are
torn down and moustaches are strictly forbidden. Santa announces
unprecedented profits and as a result 300 new jobs will be created for
unemployed eleves, and a promise that presents this year will be
"better than ever". Following his traumatic kidnapping, Ronan Keating
promises never to make another album again. The whole world
rejoices...