I'm at a loss as to what to do....

nachos

I've known this girl, I'll call her "Laura"(not real name) who lives in California and we've been writing to each other for the last 8/9 years. We're really good friends and tell each other everything. I've visited her in the US and she's travelled over here. We've always had a kind of affection for each other, even when we've been in different relationships and on more than one occasion she's said she's wondered what it would be like if we lived closer and that she'd always wanted to be in a relationship with me.

Last September she met this guy and last month she announced that they were getting engaged. Of course I was dissapointed, but whatever makes her happy etc. The thing is that the other day she wrote me a letter basically saying that if i have any feelings for her, i should tell her now "before she makes a huge mistake".

I do still have feelings for, i always will. What's tearing me up is if i should tell her and possibly break up two people who should be together. She says she loves her fiancé, but feels different about him than she does about me. On the other hand, it could be that she just has cold feet and is looking for me to get out of it. If I do, say we should get together, it would involve a major life change for one of us ie. I move there or she moves here. I think that I'd be prepared to move if it came to that.
I'm not sure if postponing the marriage is an option as the other guy is being shipped off to Iraq in April.

Anyone got any advice, suggestions? They'd be very much appreciated!

Thanks

Beruthiel

oh that's a toughie!
well, the fact that she said that to you makes it pretty clear that she would drop him like a hot potatoe if you told her she was in with a chance.
so the question you have to ask yourself is - do you care for her enough to have a relationship with her?
only you can answer that one I'm afraid.
remember though, that you do not have to have marriage in mind and you should tell her that if you decide to go that way, no point putting extra pressure on yourself.

WhiteWashMan

so shes engaged but doesnt really love the guy.

what makes you think you are the 'love' of her life?

if shes not honest with the man she is marrying, why should she be honest with you.

go out and get a good meath farmers lass.

Sleepy

Rock, Hard Place, welcome to the middle.

Odds on if you were to spend more time together IRL, what ye have would fizzle out somewhat as at present neither of ye has to put up with the other's bad habits, bad moods etc. However, whenever there's odds, there's a chance.

It seems she's only know this guy about 6 months and she's planning a wedding already. Sure, she's American and that's the done thing over there but personally I'd consider 6 months to be far too short a time to know you want to spend the rest of your life with that person. Particularly if they're in the military and you're hardly going to see them.

If it was me, I probably wouldn't tell her but in the long run I get the feeling you'd be doing her a favour if you got her to put off this marriage. Though, to be fair, I'm pretty cynical about marraige at the moment (parents are in the middle of a messy divorce) so all I can advise is to go with your gut.

WhiteWashMan

by the way, if you were only 'disappointed' instead of suicidally, unbearably depressed and upset over it, then id say theres a chance you love her. but 'disappointed'?

doesnt sound like its that big a deal to me. im guessing shes your first love, you have these feelings towards her, and thats it. ocassionally i recall my first love, and i smile, and im fond of her, but havent seen her in about 10 years.

DJB

Suggestion.... send her a link to this thread!

Seriously... I know what you mean... pain in the arse! You can carry on together with seperate lives but if you come to the Y in the road, like you have... you really either go for it or leave it forever. Think about it... if you say nothing... keep it like that... don't break up a marriage!!! However, if you feel you should be with her (remember, you're only on this planet for a relatively short period of time) then TELL HER!!! Do what makes you happy... you won't get a second chase mate! Or maybe you will but after 20 years probably or maybe not at all!

This reminds me of a film....... "My Best Friends Wedding" :cool:

My advice... tell her... you'll regret it if you don't!

Will you invite us to the wedding if you are marrying her?

Best o' luck dude...

Dave

Beruthiel

also
it's worth pointing out that you don't really know her, writing to each other and little holidays will only show you the best side of any person, it's when ye are in the same place, seeing each other regularly and eventually living with them, that's when you know if it was meant to be or not...

nachos

she's been through alot the last year, so I'm not sure if she's thinking straight about it all. also, we're both only 21 which i think very young to get married. i agree 6 months is too short a time to know each other.
she's always been straight-forward with me and vice-versa, so i think i can trust her.
it feels like this is one of the moments i'll look back on later in life and possibly regret if i don't take the chance. the "what if" game is not a nice game to play....

Beruthiel

nachos wrote:

she's been through alot the last year, so I'm not sure if she's thinking straight about it all. also, we're both only 21 which i think very young to get married

waaaaaaay too young!

i agree 6 months is too short a time to know each other.

indeed it is and you certainly should not be thinking about getting married after that length of time
my mother is a great one for the auld sayings - marry in haste, repent at leisure -

the "what if" game is not a nice game to play....

I've never regretted the stuff I have done, only the stuff I haven't

Peace

I would have to say, give it a lash. As B says, its the stuff you let slip by that you end up kicking yourself over.

Pinx

Hi, I think you're both really young to be thinking about such serious things, like marriage and engagements, etc. I was in a similar-ish situation a while back myself with this guy I'd known for years as long distance friends. We had great chats and we were very close. However, we started going out and it was definitely NOT as I expected. Not good at all. We got on each others nerves big time and we broke up and haven't really spoken since. Think long and carefully about this one!

WhiteWashMan

its a pen friend relationship in all fairness. no different that chatting up someone on irc.
youve got an emotional bond, but really, nothing substantial to hang your hat on.

why dont you ask her some difficult questions and see what her reaction is? i mean ,it is all lovely and romantic and all that good stuff, but seriously, why does she think you are the one for her, and if she has been thinking this all along, why is she with another man?

so, when she isnt pouring her heart out in letters, what is she doing? she is obviously sleeping with people, eating with people, and going to work etc. do you think she thinks about you ever day when she does these?
or, is it a case of her just getting out her feelings on paper or email, and you just happen to be the recipiant?

Lex_Diamonds

If you do decide to get with her, be careful, that marine fiancé could go skitzo on you.

Wolf

There is no real difficulty here. Be honest. For her sake for your sake maybe even for her partners sake. I know I wouldn't want to marry some that had feeling for someone else.

Talk to her if you can and explain that while you feel stongly for her that you want her to be happy even if its with someone else. Tell her she needs to ask herself the question of what she really wants.

Over all my point is that if you care for her and she cares for you you should at least be honest and let her make the decision. I find if I do something honestly and openly with thye right intentions at least I can live with it. The decision that I never made or weren't mine I find much harder to live with.

One way or another you should find out to live asking what if is Hell.

EDIT

Maybe the real thing here is that shes shouldn't marry anyone and sort out what she really wants. Don't forget meeting someone face to face makes a difference. Also, you don't really know someone untill you have seen them when the chips are down, at their weakest as well as their strongest.

Rossonero

The fact that she asked you to make your feelings clear makes it easy. Tell her your feelings.
If you don't she might marry the other guy, or even if they do break up eventually she'll doubt your feelings because you weren't prepared to tell her before she got married.

just do it!

The Rooster

Tell her, as a friend, that she's stupid to be getting married at 21. Pure ridiculous thing to do.

Then tell her, that yes, she might be the one. But you wont know for sure (and neither will she) until you spend a lot of time with each other. But either way, you wont be getting married for years.

skywalker

nachos wrote:

On the other hand, it could be that she just has cold feet and is looking for me to get out of it.

or it could be the flip side of that coin. that she has no intentions of going through with the wedding and is just using it as an excuse to flush your intentions out into the open and force your hand (if you have a hand (i mean metaphorically, as in cards not as in if you have no hands (unless you really have no hands in which case no offense was intended (i better wrap this up before i start to ramble)))).

pickarooney

She's hesitating between a man who lives 6000 miles away in Ireland and guy who'll be 10,000 miles away in a war-zone in a couple of months. And she's 21. Talk about pissing away your youth...

Pink Bunny

nachos wrote:

writing to each other for the last 8/9 years. We're really good friends and tell each other everything. I've visited her in the US and she's travelled over here. We've always had a kind of affection for each other, even when we've been in different relationships and on more than one occasion she's said she's wondered what it would be like if we lived closer and that she'd always wanted to be in a relationship with me.I do still have feelings for, i always will. . I think that I'd be prepared to move if it came to that.
I'm not sure if postponing the marriage is an option as the other guy is being shipped off to Iraq in April.


Thanks

8/9 years is a long time!! Like you said, you tell each other everything, why stop this time? Tell her how you feel and tell her your reasons for hesitation. Just be as honest as you can. Just because you tell her does not mean that you are now committed to something that you aren't ready for.
I agree that she's too young to get married, but I've seen it happen before, it almost happened to me when my old BF first joined the Marines. It's hard to explain, but once a guy joins the military and is so far away from home (especially during a war) they get really lonely and start putting the pressure on to get married. It's pretty common and so she might be feeling this pressure to do something she knows deep down she really doesn't want to do and she's reaching out for help.
I'd say tell her.