Body Bits Doctors Won't Tell You About

stu_69 · 09-06-2001 7:43am #1

Body Bits Doctors Won't Tell You About

We all have secret body organs that even medical science hasn't discovered yet. We all know about the Carrot Gland that creates diced carrot for inclusion in vomit, yet no doctor has been brave enough to document this.

Some of these organs are revolting. Some cause enormous pleasure. And others are downright useless.

This month, we borrowed a CAT scan machine, and bring you a comprehensive list of the body bits that doctors won't tell you about.

Super Saliva Gland - makes it impossible to talk to a person you're attracted to without giving them a shower.
Beer Barometer - located in the intestine, this polyp absorbs the bubbles in beer, then releases them as an enormous fart when there is a lull in the conversation.
Selective Deafness Follicle - in males only. Allows you to ignore your partner's requests to do some housework, but still hear every score in the football.
Nuclear Hair Follicle - located in the auditory canal and the nasal cavity of males, these follicles explode in huge mushroom clouds of hair as soon as you turn 60.
Bad Joke Node - part of the central nervous system that kicks in as soon as you become a father, it makes you laugh at your own bad jokes.
Post-Coital Hormone Release Valve - located near the hippocampus in the brain. Within 13.5 seconds of coitus, this valve opens, flooding the body with temazepam, inducing sleep. Male only.
Post-Coital Conversational Bull**** Valve - located in the back of the throat. Within 13.5 seconds of coitus, this valve opens, inducing you to say stuff like "You were great", "That was fantastic", and "No, no, I like lying in the wet spot". Female only.
Selective Memory Neurone - Allows you to remember that you left the car keys in a special place, but not where that place is.
Yellow Food Dye Gland - Located in the bladder. Activated by excessive Vitamin B intake.
"I won't get a hangover" Neuro-Centre - Kicks in with your fifth beer.
Baskin-Robbins Centre - part of the brain that gives you a head ache when you eat icecream too quickly.
Up-sell Axon - Part of the brain that is activated and causes a "Yes" response when someone asks if you'd like fries with that.
Recent Discoveries
Gen-e X- (discovered only in people born in the 60s and 70s)- allows body to enjoy crap TV shows and related fashions from bygone eras by raising the body's irony levels to previously unseen heights.
Grover Montage
****head lymph - When active, releases chemical signals to the brain ordering the bearer to inform how great they are to everyone they see.
Jason Nezbit
Local Anesthetic Gland - Makes various body parts go numb and feel little *****ly spiny things when you're relaxing
Nathan Randall
Urgency Shield Neurone - Part of the brain that stops you from getting any serious work done on a pressing task until the final 24 hours before it is due.
Matt Parker
Lazyboy Gland - Located in the lower buttocks, it causes one to sit in front of the tv and watch whatever seems to be on, including reruns of cheesy family shows like 'Full House', and 'The Brady Bunch', along with several other bad cancelled television shows... Beware, stimulation of this gland can later cause growth of the buttocks, giving one a new nickname of 'Lazy Fat Ass'.
Genevieve Perrault
Rectal Cranium- a small auxillary head found rammed deep into the **** of Channel Nine program executives, One Nation party members and John Howard.
Grover Montage
Last Word Prediction Neuron - a part of the brain that seems to sense exactly when a room full of people all chatting noisily will suddenly and simultanequsly stop talking just as you are loudly explaining the proceedure you recently underwent to have a scrotum boil lanced.
Jamie Forbes
"Why am I so fat?" Gland - located at the back of the eyes. Operates whenever you look in a mirror, to distort the lens and make your body appear huge. First appeared only in females, it has since spread to both sexes.
Ron Bingham
Penile Retention Valve (also known as "Save The Last Dance For Pee") - Tiny valve of flesh located just within the head of the penis, seemingly with a mind of its own (much like the penis itself seems to have a mind of its own, converesely without having a brain of its own). This valve closes upon cessastion of urine flow, cunningly waiting out all attempts to rid the organ of unwanted and unsightly droplets. The valve then opens immediately upon the penis being safely returned to the confines of the trouser, releasing a small resevoir of urine for no apparent reason other than the discomfort of said penis owner and the mocking delight of others (most often non-penis owners, or those who are only renting for the evening).
Jamie Forbes
"My hair will return this is just a phase". neuron - Automatic reflex caused
by seeing shiny bits on top of head.
David Galbraith
Gland of Hope and Glory - secretes irrational optimism in the face of overdue assignments, and loss of job/hair/erection
brian vo
Internal Alcohol Meter- allows the body to discern exactly when it's had enough to drink (note- incapacitated by presence of alcohol).
Grover Montage
Hypothalamus analus interruptus - that part of a guys brain that activates when he's intoxicated and makes him believe that the woman he's rooting won't even notice if he tries to bonk her up the bum.
C Funt
Anal Optic Nerve - runs down the length of the body and connects the eye ball with the anus. Responsible for giving people a ****ty outlook on life. To test for the presence, pluck a hair from your **** and see if it brings a tear to your eye.
Rod Wilkinson