Some more religious jokes

TheWolf · 05-06-2001 11:50pm #1

God's invention

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention... the Assembly line for the automobile... changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want." Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself." So the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God.

Ford asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?"
God asks, "What do you mean?"
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
5. Every 28 days it leaks fluid and is rendered out of service.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.
"Hummmm," replies God, "hold on a minute."
God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time, the computer prints out a report and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

St. Peter's gate

Three men die and reach heaven´s door. There they meet St. Peter, and St. Peter says: "Allright, guys, if you want to enter here, you have to answer one question each to prove that you are real Christians." And so he asks the first one: "Who do you think, wrote the five books of Moses?"
The man replies: "Yeah, that´s an easy one. That was Moses!"
St. Peter says: "Well done, you may enter. Enjoy yourself!"
Then he asks the second one:"Who do you think, was the first man on earth?"
The man replies:"Gosh, that´s an easy one. That was Adam"
St Peter:"Yeah, you´re right, you may go in!"
Then he asks the third one:"What do you think, Mary thought, when the Holy Spirit came over her and made her pregnant?"
The third man replies: "Oh, oh! That´s a hard one..."
St. Peter: "Yeah, you´re right! You may enter!"

Healthy Food

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's neurotic interest in health food. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed", the old man asked Peter how much this was going to cost. It's free," Peter replied, Remember, this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is heaven. It's free!"
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.
"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your fu<king bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!"

2 Women at the Pearly Gates

Two Women waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
“How’d you die?” the first woman asks the second.
“I froze to death,” says the second.
“That’s awful,” says the first woman. “How does it feel to freeze to death?”
“It’s very uncomfortable at first,” says the second woman. “You get the shakes and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How about you, how did you die?”
“I had a heart attack,” says the first woman. “You see, I KNEW my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone, watching TV. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”
The second woman shakes her head. “That’s so ironic,” she says.
“What do you mean?” asks the first woman.
“If you had ONLY stopped to LOOK in the FREEZER, we’d BOTH STILL BE ALIVE!”

arrrrRRROOOOOOOOOOoooo...